(Never) Again (18 page)

“No, you don’t understand—this is an emergency.” Zach’s voice was the only thing breaking through my thoughts. He shouldn’t have been the one trying to reach my parents. I should have been calling them. Tracking them down.

They trusted me. This was my responsibility. If something happened to Josh, my family would crumble. Mom would never be the same. Dad would never be the same. I would never be the same.

I was never a religious person. I wasn’t raised going to church, but in that moment I needed something to hold on to. I needed hope. I needed a reason to believe miracles happened. I needed to believe my brother was not one of the seventeen injured, or worse, one of the six dead. Even if my gut told me otherwise.

“Yes, sir. Absolutely.” Zach’s voice entered my thoughts again. He sounded relieved. I could have gotten up. I could have walked into my bedroom to listen more closely to his conversation. Found out whom he was talking to. But I couldn’t move. My body was still numb. My legs felt like cinder blocks, holding me in place.

“She’s here. We’re at her place. No, she’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.” He continued to talk. “Yes, sir, absolutely. You’re welcome.” His voice faltered and I was left with nothing to hold on to.

I closed my eyes and tried to pull myself together. I owed it to my brother to be strong. He was always the strong one. I had always relied on him, but I needed to be a team player.

Zach knelt in front of me. “Liz.”

I tried to break through the numbness that consumed me. Tried to be strong, but I couldn’t speak.

“Lizzie.”

Hearing him say my name as only he said it gave me the strength I needed to fight the fear consuming me. Zach wasn’t going anywhere. He would be there to catch me if I fell.

“Yeah?” The word came out much softer than I intended but it came out.

“Your parents weren’t answering their phone, so I called the cruise line, but they were no help. I tried your parents’ cell phones again, and I finally got your dad. He was on the phone with the police.” Reflexively I grabbed Zach’s arm and waited for the words that had potential to break me.

All the pent up anger and regret I had towards Zach did not exist in that moment. He was all I had. I wanted him to say it fast. Get it over with. Like ripping off a Band-aid.

“Josh is alive, but he did get hit.” My grip tightened around Zach’s arm. If I was hurting him he didn’t show it.

Josh wasn’t dead, but he was one of the seventeen injured. How bad were his injuries? He’s alive, but was he going to be okay?

“Liz, listen to me.” Zach placed his hand on my shoulder. “He was shot in the leg and the bullet hit an artery, so they have to do emergency surgery. That’s all your dad could find out. He’s at Springfield Memorial Hospital. Your parents are trying to get a flight out of the Caribbean—that’s why your mom wasn’t answering. She’s on the phone with the airport. Liz, your parents aren’t here. You need to go and be there for him.”

Immediately, I got up from the couch, grabbed my keys and headed to the door. But as quickly as my hand gripped the doorknob, it was pulled away.

“Where are you going?” Zach walked in front of me, blocking my exit.

“To the hospital,” I said with no emotion in my tone. I was like a robot going through the motions.

“Liz, you can’t drive.”

“I have to. I need to get there. Josh has always been there for me.” I tried to push past him, but he was much stronger than me. He didn’t budge.

“I’m not arguing that, but we want you to get there in one piece. We don’t need you lying in a bed next to him.” Zach took my chin in his hand. “I’m driving.”

“What about Mimi? I don’t know when we’ll be back. You can’t leave her alone.”

“I already called the facility and spoke with Cheryl,” he said, releasing my chin. “It’s taken care of.”

“Are you sure? What if—?”

“Lizzie, we’re not playing the ‘what if’ game right now. Grab what you need and let’s go.”

Any other day I would have fought him, but I was emotionally drained and too exhausted to argue. So I did as he said. There was nothing in the house that I needed, though. What I needed was two and a half hours away.

I needed to see my brother.

Light turned to dark. My numbness was turning into panic. My brother had been shot. He could have been killed. The thought of Josh lying in a pool of his own blood sent my leg into spasms.

“Lizzie, he’s going to be okay.” Zach’s hand rested on my knee. The warmth from his skin and the tenderness in his touch brought the shaking to a halt.

“I know.” I didn’t, but I needed to believe it was the truth.

“Then relax. He’s in the best place he can be right now. They’ll take care of him.”

As true as it was, the people at that hospital were still total strangers. My brother was getting rushed into emergency surgery and there was not a familiar face with him.

“I could have lost him,” I said, struggling to get the words out.

“But you didn’t.”

“But what if I had? What if he was one of the six dead? What would I have done? He’s my brother, Zach. My only brother. It’s always been me and him.”

Streams of tears rushed down my cheeks. I thought I’d pulled myself together, I thought I was okay, but in the back of my mind the fear of losing him was still there. I didn’t know the extent of his injuries—for all I knew, he might not be alive by the time I got to the hospital.

The Jeep swerved. Up until that point I had been unaware of the passing cars, completely oblivious to the fact we were even in a vehicle, but the sound of horns sent my attention to Zach.

What the hell was he doing?

The left lane moved farther away as Zach maneuvered three lanes over, pulled onto the shoulder of the highway, and threw the Jeep in park.

I couldn’t form words. All I could do was stare. Had he completely lost his mind?

“Come here,” he said but I continued to stare. Tears spilled from my cheeks onto my jeans. His arm reached out to me and it was all the invitation I needed. I fell against him, needing to be comforted in a way only he could manage.

“He’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. You didn’t lose him. Look at me.” He rested his hand under my chin, guiding me until my eyes focused on his. “And you are not going to. Okay?” There was something deep within his eyes that made me believe him.

“Okay,” I whispered, too exhausted from tears to speak louder.

“You good?” He raised his eyes to me as he bent his head. And when he smiled my answer came quickly.

“I’m good.”

He wiped a stray tear away from my cheek. “Good, because the one thing I hate most in this world is seeing you cry.”

Zach pulled back onto the highway, but he didn’t remove his hand from my knee. I could have removed it for him but it was the only comfort I had, and I wasn’t about to do away with it. It’s funny. I spent so much time hating him, convinced he was out to make my life a living hell. In reality, he was the only one other than Josh and Sadie who was there for me.

Even when I didn’t think I needed him.

The rest of the drive was quiet. Mostly. Zach tried to get a karaoke session going at one point, but neither of us could get into it. I had too much on my mind, and even though Zach acted as if everything was okay, I could still sense the fear that lay deep within him. I could see it in the way he held the steering wheel. His fingers were tightly secured around the wheel and the determination in his grip told me that there was no room for error. He needed to get to the hospital just as badly as I did. He needed to see Josh for himself. And until he did, that tension wouldn’t lessen.

While his left hand had a death hold on the steering wheel, his right hand rested on my knee, tension-free. In a way, it was sweet how he was trying to hide his fear. No matter what the scenario was, he would always do what he thought was right in order to protect me.

“We’re here,” Zach said.

I glanced out the window to see a large white building that looked more like a five-star hotel than a hospital. The hospital was surrounded by police cars and news trucks. Reporters leaned against them, drinking coffee and waiting for more details on the big story. When Zach pulled the Jeep into the parking lot my heart raced, my stomach knotted, and it was all I could do to keep from throwing up.

Zach got a ticket at the gate before pulling into a space. Could you believe you had to pay to park at a hospital? What the hell was up with that? Normally it would have sent me into a ten-minute speech naming the top ten reasons why it was utter BS, but today my mind didn’t have time to focus on something so pointless.

It took me a minute or two to get myself together before I could get out of the car. Despite my best attempt at keeping them at bay, the tears started again. I dabbed my eyes with my sleeve before Zach reached over me and retrieved a napkin from the glove box.

“Thanks,” I said and took it in my hand.

“You’re welcome. Now, what did I tell you about crying?” He closed the glove box then turned his attention to me.

“Sorry.” I swiped the tissue under my eyes to absorb the tears.

“Don’t be,” he said with a slight smile. “You can do this, Liz. You are one of the bravest people I know.”

“That’s a crock of shit,” I said with a weak laugh.

“No, it’s not. You’re a tough chick. Always have been. When life knocks you down, you wipe your butt off and get right back up. Nothing can keep you down.”

Except for you, I wanted to say. Except for you.

He was right. I hated when he was right. But I couldn’t deny the truth. I was a pretty tough chick. My only true weakness was him.

“Let’s do this,” he said as he got out of the car. He came over to my side, opened the door and stuck out his hand. I took a deep breath, slid my hand into his and walked with him towards the building. Zach might be my only weakness, but at the same time, he gave me strength.

Talk about an oxymoron.

“Miss! Miss! Do you know any of the victims?”

A wall of reporters rushed towards us. Zach’s hand tightened on mine. The only thing separating me from the vultures were two uniformed police officers and easily removable yellow caution tape.

“Did you lose someone?”

My feet stopped moving and my body stiffened as the words hit me like a brick. I wanted to scream, to tell them all to shut up, but my mouth and brain were on two different planes.

Instead I stared at them, looking into their eyes. I heard more screams, but the reporters’ words blended into static. Zach’s arm wrapped around me like a shield and guided me through the door. When we walked into the hospital, though, not even Zach was able to give me the strength I needed to ignore what I saw.

I heard her before I saw her—the blood-curdling screams of a mother who had just found out her child would never come home again. The pain was nearly unbearable as it exploded in my gut. I almost turned around. I almost ran away and never looked back.

Then Josh’s face passed through my mind. His cocky grin, his dirty blond hair falling just above his light eyes. The image of him got me to make the turn that brought me face-to-face with the grieving mother.

I didn’t expect to catch her gaze. I didn’t think she was capable of concentrating on anything else other than her inconsolable pain. But there we were, staring at each other. Tears streamed down her dark skin. A man helped her from the floor and for whatever reason she stayed focused on me.

Maybe she sensed I was about to go through something similar. I hoped I wasn’t, but my doubts started to overtake my rational thoughts.

It was the longest ten seconds of my life.

As I continued to look at her grief-stricken face, a tear slipped down my cheek. My nose scrunched in the way it does when I’m about to lose control of my emotions and I bit my lip as I gave a slight understanding nod of acknowledgement.

Her expression mimicked mine and even though no words passed between us, I knew we were in this together, and I understood some semblance of what she was going through.

She was the first to look away as she turned back into the arms of the man who was with her. I looked on for a second more before Zach pulled me towards the main desk.

A petite woman with short brown hair and big brown eyes greeted us. I could tell by the crease in her brow and the bags under her eyes that this was probably the worst day of her career.

“Hi,” she said, the word a bit too anxious. As if she knew she was about to shatter my world.

I went to speak, but no words came. My throat became hot and dry as a lump formed. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get words around it.

I looked to Zach, needing him in that moment more than I ever had before. I might be a tough chick, but I couldn’t do this alone. I needed him. I needed him to be my voice. To give the lady the information she needed in order to find my brother. To let me know if he was alive or dead. She wouldn’t give me the information directly, but I’d be able to tell by the look on her face.

I waited for Zach to speak as the woman waited for one of us to say something. Anything.

If it was the other way around and Josh was the one coming for me, he would have blurted out all of the information. Heck, he would have been searching rooms to find me. But that was Josh. And as tough as Zach insisted I was, I was not my brother. I would never be as tough as him.

I tried to speak again. Another failed attempt. I squeezed Zach’s hand, hoping it would show how much I needed him.

“We’re looking for Josh Wagner. He was one of the shooting victims.” Zach’s voice cracked, and my heart skipped a beat.

I looked to the lady behind the desk, studying her features intently as she typed Josh’s name into the system so that I could recognize a bad reaction.