Neighbours (11 page)

Blood spurting out of the dead person's nose is an unavoidable side-effect. Some people think this is a bonus.

The dead person's pyjamas nearly always catch fire. (Bloody good thing too.)

How to get blood out of a white sheet

Pour lukewarm water through the stain into a china cup. Makes an excellent bedtime drink. Don't use boiling water as that will cook the blood, which is just disgusting.

How to get blood out of a sleeping human

Place your fangs on the jugular vein, press slowly and suck very quietly. Goes well with barbecued rat.

How to get blood out of a sleeping bank manager

Don't be ridiculous!

How to get blood into a sleeping bank manager

Why would you want to waste perfectly good blood?

How to make ‘I Can't Believe It's Not Blood'

This recipe has been in Granny Flood's family for three hundred years and is a firm favourite at Christmas, when it is used instead of custard.

 

You will need:

• Two large bottles of tomato ketchup.

• 500 grams of black slugs.

• 3 tablespoons of black enamel paint.

• The end of your right thumb.

 

Put all the ingredients in a blender, cover your face and blend on high speed until smooth. Add chilli powder and saliva to taste.

Pour over Christmas pudding, small dogs or your own head, depending on the time of day.

Garnish with nose-hair clippings.

(Also goes well with lavatory lobsters.
^*
)

FLOODS 2: PLAYSCHOOL

 

In
The Floods
book 2 –
Playschool
– is everything you ever wanted to know about wizard school, and lots of stuff you never even though of. This is not the cissy place that Potter boy goes to, but Quicklime College, a proper wizard and witch school far away in the deepest mountains of Patagonia. They don't waste their time playing baby games on broomsticks here. They learn useful, important things, like how to turn people into slugs and how to steal valuable jewels and gold from impenetrable castles.
^*

• Smiling.
  
• How to make tea.
  
• How to kick a ball around in a field of mud with 21 other people.
  
• How to juggle three tennis balls.
  
• Welsh.
  
• Beige.
  

• Scowling.
  
• How to make warts.
  
• How to kick a massive lump of dinosaur gristle around in a field of mud with 13 other people.
  
• How to juggle three tennis players. Seriously powerful magic.
  ^*
  
• Time travel.
  
• Time travel.
  

 

THE FLOODS

HOW TO LIVE FOREVER

Random House