Needs Improvement (3 page)

Is the gloomy posturing of signs worth holding vigil over?

Would you like to take a common holiday?

Are you parsimonious with signage?

liberate the object much?

Have you tasted operational gag orders?

Do you choke on wine?

Sometimes drunk Paris?

Whose brain?

Whose full stop?

Are you faithing the critic?

Have you covered all manner of coverings?

Whose nation?

Abhorrent lads abound in gaggles:

crashing Citroëns, phishing phenomenologies

eschewing exemplarity, neutralizing nutriment

melting margarine, slathering semiologies

politicizing predicates, imploring imperiality

buttonholing boundlessness

let this be, here, only a metaphor:

a motherly earphone

Heroine of pleasant thug

prick up your ears

sit, self-healing, parasitic wrongdoer

athlete of merit or whoredom

now – hot-blooded royalty

finest fetish, dirt-poor warmth

neat hothead ovations

one-sided defeated impression

crooning heavy-handed

high-flown

flaunted lepers do

tidy deaths

good reticence

I'm a hill

waltz it

the halo of me

that often loved alarming

evaluations of the dupe friendship

credulous evil jerk impales

scum thrive on a prankishly

good day

Weak

mode – chewable

vehement wino

an ugly, jeering baud

I'm thick and a wolf

brawny ace, nice sage

grow jauntier, analogue

poet

Make a collage of cheap Excel bites

lure a performative and expel it

build, hurt, jet, repeat

Coagulated, see

that's what's bound to happen

the greedier changes

not fear-based

it's perfect

heartburns thrill

not herd, scene

throned

Rocket brothers

they is no more

die, diode

do die do

Right Before the Exam

 

1  Get a good night's sleep. If necessary, take prescription-grade
painkillers and tranquilizers. You can generally obtain these
from a classmate. Do
NOT
exceed triple the recommended
dosage. you can generally find the recommended dosage on
the Internet. If not, use common sense.

 

2  Eat emotionally. Don't go hungry. Get angry! Give in to
dysmorphia. Everyone thinks they're better than you.

 

3  Gather your supplies the night before: pen, paper, calculator,
pocket defibrillator. Lay them out on your bedside table.
Whisper pseudo-aphorisms to them.

 

The Moment of Truth

 

1  Read the directions once and
ONLY
once. remember: first
thought, best thought.

 

2  Take relaxing breaths at regular intervals. Failure to take
regular breaths may result in death.

 

3  Count the number of pages in the exam. Find the square root.

 

4  If feeling stuck, daydream! Use the imaginative potential
of your mind! Open yourself up to adventurous and erotic
fantasy!

 

5  Reflect on the failures of your life so far. Divide these into
two categories: ‘surface' and ‘depth.' If your ‘depth' failures
are more numerous than your ‘surface' failures, ask to use the
washroom or ‘water closet.'

 

6  Remain.