Needles and Pearls (12 page)

I try a smile, which she ignores, and now I’m panicking that she saw me looking at the scan picture; I’m trying to remember if I’d put it back into my diary before she knocked on the window, and I’m fairly sure I did, but still.

‘Well, I must get on, PTA business calls. Mr O’Brien has asked me to look into more sports equipment, so I’ve got brochures arriving I need to check on. So important, proper equipment. We take Harry to a marvellous gym, private, of course, but well worth it; he’s doing so well in his martial arts class, they want to move him up a group. You should take your boys, although the classes are mainly on Saturday, so I suppose that might be a problem for you, being in the shop. Anyway, must dash.’

Bloody hell, so now I’ve got to feel guilty we don’t belong to a gym, on top of everything else. Although I’m not sure I’d really want them learning martial arts in any case; bedtime is tricky enough already without finding myself overpowered by two small people in baggy white pyjamas.

*   *   *

After sausages and chips for tea, which I’ve chosen in the hopes of building up some goodwill, even though the oven chips always weld themselves to the baking tray, they’re both sitting watching cartoons relatively peacefully when Gran arrives to show me her latest batch of cruise brochures. Actually, maybe now would be a good time to show her my scan picture – it’d certainly take her mind off cabin sizes. And if bloody Annabel Morgan did catch a glimpse in the car there’ll probably be an emergency PTA communiqué circulating tomorrow, so it might be handy if she already knew.

‘You’re looking peaky. Are you sure you’re not coming down with anything, pet?’

‘No, I’m fine, Gran.’

‘Good.’

Here goes.

‘There was something I wanted to tell you, though.’

‘I knew it.’

‘Knew what?’

‘There’s something wrong, isn’t there? I knew it – Mrs Marwell saw you at the doctor’s a couple of weeks ago, and again last week. She told Betty, and she said you looked ever so pale. What is it?’

Bloody hell, they’re like the secret service. Thank God none of them have really got the hang of mobile phones or they’d be group-texting video snippets backwards and forwards.

‘I’m fine, Gran, honestly.’

‘But?’

‘There’s no but.’

‘Josephine, this is your gran you’re talking to. I can see it on your face.’

Bugger, I’m really mucking this up.

‘I’m not ill, Gran. It’s just, well, I’m pregnant.’

There’s a pause, and then she smiles.

‘Well, thank heavens for that. I’ve been that worried. But are you sure, pet? It could be the change, you know. We start very early in our family.’

I reach for my diary and hand her the scan picture.

‘Well, bless my soul. And how did that happen then? You don’t have to say if you don’t want to. He’s not anyone local, is he?’

‘No, Gran.’

‘Well, that’ll make things easier. You know what people are like round here, putting two and two together and coming up with six. So will he be moving down here then?’

‘I don’t think so, Gran. He’s just someone I met, nothing long term… God, this is embarrassing. I’m not in the habit of doing this sort of thing, you know. In fact never.’

‘I know you’re not, pet. Now don’t you go upsetting yourself. What’s done is done, and we’ll manage. Let me see the picture again. Isn’t that lovely. Look at those tiny fingers, like little pearls. Actually, I think he looks a bit like our Archie.’

‘So you think it’s a boy then?’

‘Oh yes, you’re carrying like you did with the boys, but it’s what you think that matters, pet.’

‘Well, it was a bit of a shock at first, but now I’ve got used to the idea I’m pleased. I really am. And I feel very lucky. I never thought I’d have another baby, but now, well, I’m very pleased.’

I haven’t realised how true this is until I’ve actually said it out loud. Nick and I never talked about having another baby. I knew he wouldn’t be keen so we never discussed it, and I sort of shelved the idea, without ever realising that I’d wanted one.

‘Well, isn’t that grand? And how are the boys taking it?’

‘I haven’t told them yet. I wanted you to be here.’

She smiles.

‘Well, there’s no time like the present.’

‘Yes, but what if they’re upset? They’ve had so much to cope with, Gran, and I don’t want them worrying. Maybe I should wait a bit.’

‘You don’t want secrets, pet. They’re terrible things, secrets are.’

‘I know, and it probably won’t seem real to them, not until there’s actually a baby. OK, let’s tell them. I’ve got strawberry ice cream in the fridge – I thought it might help.’

‘Good idea, pet.’

The strawberry ice cream goes down very well, and they’re both remarkably calm about the idea. In fact they’re both much more interested in getting back to their cartoons, although they are unanimous that under no circumstances am I to have a girl. Apart from that, they seem fine about it. But I’m still bracing myself for Questions later.

Gran shows me her cruise brochures and goes off to tell Reg the good news, and it’s nearly half-past eight by the time I’m getting them into bed.

‘Night, Archie.’

‘Night, Mum. And Mum?’

‘Yes?’

‘If you have a baby, will we get presents? When Seth Johnson’s mum had their baby he got a present. He got a bike.’

‘Did he? Well, we’ll have to see about that.’

He claps his hands.

‘And I won’t be the baby so Jack can’t call me a baby any more, can he? Ever. And I already know what I want for my present.’

‘Oh yes, what’s that?’

‘A dog. Just like Trevor.’

‘Night, Archie.’

‘Night, Mum. And will I get my fish for my birthday, do you think?’

‘I don’t know, Archie. We’ll have to wait and see.’

I’ve already got him two goldfish in a small tank, which Gran’s keeping in her kitchen. I’ve been telling him one of the reasons we can’t have a dog is because we need to practise on smaller pets first, so he’s added goldfish to his birthday-wish list after I vetoed a snake or anything with fur. I’ve bought him a starter tank, and a little pirate’s chest that bubbles air through the water, so I’m hoping the fish will survive at least a few weeks.

‘I really want them, more than anything, I do, and then you can see how sensible I am and we can have a dog.’

‘Night, Archie.’

Jack’s fussing with the knitted blanket I made for him when we first moved here as I’m tucking him in. He likes it folded over his duvet, but only a couple of inches.

‘Put it on again properly, how you do it, please, Mum.’

‘Better?’

‘Yes.’

‘Night, love.’

‘Mum?’

Here we go again.

‘Yes, Jack.’

‘You know the new baby?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, is it leftover, from when Dad was alive?’

Christ, I wasn’t expecting that one.

‘No, darling.’

‘So it’ll have a different dad then?’

‘Yes.’

‘But not living with us. Not like Dad?’

‘No.’

He’s very quiet.

‘I’m sorry, love. Does it all feel a bit confusing?’

He starts to cry, silently like he does, as I kneel down by his pillow and put my arms round him.

‘What’s the matter, sweetheart?’

‘It’s just I thought he might be coming back. Not really. You know. Just. Well, a bit.’

I hold him, and stroke his back.

‘But he’s not, is he?’

‘No, love. If I could fix it, I would. You know that. But some things can’t get fixed.’

‘I know. It’s a bloody bugger.’

‘Jack!’

‘That’s very rude, isn’t it?’

‘Yes. But you can say it one more time if you like. Just once though, and then never again.’

‘Bloody bugger.’ He giggles. ‘If Archie knew it, he’d probably say it at school. But I never say it at school because I’m your best boy, aren’t I, Mum?’

‘My best big boy.’

‘And I always will be. For ever and ever?’

‘Yes.’

‘Will you stay here, until I’m asleep, and do my arm, in circles? Please. Very please.’ He snuggles into his pillow and drapes his arm over his blanket so I can stroke the back of his arm, in circles.

‘OK, but not for hours or my knees will go numb.’

‘I’ll be as quick as I can, but promise to stay until I’m proper asleep.’

‘I promise.’

*   *   *

I tidy up the bathroom and go downstairs, but I can’t settle; I keep thinking about Daniel, and how it feels wrong that I’ve got a scan picture and he doesn’t know anything about it. Maybe I should call him, but then again perhaps I should wait, I don’t really need him to know, not for me. And I could definitely do without any more stress right now. I’m going through my Filofax writing in all my hospital appointments, but I keep looking at his number. Right. I’ll have a cup of tea and make a decision. Perhaps biscuits might help. I’ll write myself a script, and see how it feels; that always helps when you’ve got a tricky call to make. And then I’ll decide.

Christ.

The biscuits haven’t really helped, but if I want to call him I’ll have to get on with it, before it gets much later. I dial the number, feeling sick. But that might be the biscuits.

‘Hello, Daniel, it’s Jo.’

There’s a pause.

‘Jo? Oh, Jo, great. How’s it going, angel?’

‘Fine, thanks.’

‘Boys all right?’

‘They’re great.’

‘I was thinking about you the other day. Liv was knitting and it reminded me of your shop. How’s business?’

‘Pretty good, thanks.’

Oh God, this is much harder than I thought it would be. And we’ve already gone off my script. I glance down at my piece of paper.

‘Daniel, is this a good time to talk?’

‘Sure.’

‘There’s something I need to tell you.’

There’s a silence.

‘It’s, well, it’s … I’m going to have a baby.’

‘Are you? Well, congratulations, angel – that’s great, if you’re pleased. Which I guess you are or you wouldn’t be telling … oh fuck.’

‘Yes, but I really don’t want you to feel –’

‘You mean?’

‘Yes.’

‘Fucking hell.’

‘I know, and I’m sorry, well, not sorry exactly, I’m really pleased, of course, but –’ Now I’m sounding like a nutter. I look down at my paper again. ‘Even though this wasn’t planned and I’m perfectly happy to go it alone. I want you to understand that, perfectly happy. But I thought you should know, so you can be as involved as you want to be, or not at all. Either way, the baby has to be the important one in all this, but I wanted you to know.’

‘When’s it due?’

‘October.’

‘So is it too late not to go through with it?’

Christ.

‘Yes. And anyway, I’m sure I’ve made the right choice.’

‘For you, maybe.’

‘Look, I know this is a shock, Daniel, but once you’ve had a chance to think about it, I’m sure we can sort something out that works for everyone.’

‘There’s no we.’

‘Sorry?’

He’s sounding much more hostile now.

‘The only we in this is me and Liv. We’re talking about getting married. So the last thing I need is something like this fucking dumped on me. You’re a hundred per cent sure, right, that it’s mine?’

‘Of course I’m sure.’

‘Well, I don’t want Liv to know, OK? Not until I’ve had a chance to think about this.’

‘That’s up to you, Daniel.’

‘What do you mean by that? Is that some sort of threat?’

Damn, I don’t think I’m handling this very well.

‘No, of course not, for heaven’s sake. I only meant that it’s your business. I’m only telling you because I thought you had a right to know. I don’t want anything from you, Daniel – we’ll be fine, all of us. The boys are quite excited. I just wanted you to know, that’s all. I thought you should have a choice.’

‘Well, it doesn’t feel like much of a fucking choice.’

‘I meant a choice about how you want to handle it.’

‘I don’t. Christ, if Liv finds out she’ll throw me out, for sure. Jesus fucking Christ. Look, I’ll have to call you back.’

‘Of course.’

The line goes dead, and I feel strangely calm.

Christ, what a relief. I’m not keeping anything secret any more. And talking to him again has reassured me that somewhere deep down I’m not secretly hoping for a hearts and flowers moment. I was worried that when I spoke to him I’d mind if he wasn’t pleased. But I don’t, not really. Hopefully he’ll call back and want to visit when the baby’s here or something, but if he doesn’t then that’ll be fine too. Actually, I feel a bit sorry for him; I think I’ve got a good idea of how his relationship with Liv is working out, and it’s just like it used to be with me and Nick, where everything is filtered through them and what they’ll think. But I’ve told Daniel now, so I can get on with it, and not feel like I’m somehow cheating not telling him.

Great. I call Ellen.

‘How did it go?’

‘You were right – Gran’s thrilled, and the boys are fine about it.’

‘Told you.’

‘I’m not sure Daniel’s going to be rushing to Mothercare, though.’

‘Christ. You called him.’

‘Yes.’

‘And?’

‘He wasn’t pleased. Pretty hostile, actually. I think it’s all about Liv, and what she’ll think. Which I can understand.’

‘Tough. He’ll just have to get over it. It’s not like you planned this.’

‘I know, I said that.’

‘You never know, he might discover some hidden paternal instinct, give him time.’

‘I doubt it. But that’s fine. I can do this on my own. I always knew I would really. I’m sure I can make it work, if I’m careful.’

‘You’re not still worrying about money, are you?’

‘Ellen, I’m pregnant with two chocoholics to support. It’s a tad worrying, yes.’

‘I know, but Daniel can cover some of it and at least you haven’t got a mortgage to support as well.’

‘They’d probably have repossessed the house by now if I did. I barely make enough to keep us going as it is, without adding a baby into the mix. And I don’t want Daniel’s money.’

‘But –’

‘We’ve had this conversation, Ellen. Either he’s around, or he’s not, but it can’t be about money. I’ll manage.’