Needing Him (4 page)

Kai didn’t say a word.  He was unusually quiet.  I didn’t like it and it set me on edge.  He was staring out my living room window, but once Lee and I stopped talking his eyes moved to mine.  Every second that went by and nothing was said made me more and more nervous.  I had to break the silence.

“Kai, what’s going on?”  His head turned to Lee.

Lee became uncomfortable all of the sudden and started fidgeting.  “Okay, I’m going to take this massive dog of yours outside for a bit so you two can talk.”

Lee stood and Ace followed.  Once he said the word 'outside,' Ace bounded around whining, wanting to go have some fun.  I heard the door click shut followed by a deep breath from Kai.

“Kasi, I know you’re in love with Radek, but I have to tell you something.  I need you to know this before moving further into your relationship with him.  I should have said something a long time ago, but I was scared.  Plus you’ve never had a serious relationship before so I thought I still had time.”

“Kai, just say whatever it is.  You’re worrying me.”  He was.  The hair on my arms stood up like there was a crackle of electricity in the room.

“I love you, Kasi.”

“And I love you, Kai.”

He shook his head.  “No, I mean I’m in love with you.  I have been for years.  I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”

He was in love with me?  When the hell did my life become a fucking soap opera?  This stuff was supposed to stay on television and in the movies, not make its way into my living room.  “So you wait until now, when I have a serious boyfriend who has a crazy ex starting shit, to tell me?”

He rubbed the back of his neck.  Signature move for Kai when he was stressed, worried, or embarrassed.  “I admit the timing is bad, but with all that’s going on I wanted you to know you have another option.  A safer option.  I don’t bring any baggage with me.  I’ve never even had a serious girlfriend, only flings here or there.  Groupies that meant nothing to me.”

I couldn’t process everything.  It was too much.  Plus, my stomach started to growl from not eating since the day before.  I walked to the kitchen and ordered a couple of pizzas.  Kai didn’t move.  He stayed glued to the couch.

~ 4 ~

Pacing, I kept pacing.  If I was pacing I wasn’t talking to Kai who sat in the living room looking like a lost puppy.  Lovely.  Lee came in a few minutes ago, took one look at Kai and I and decided to fix himself a drink in the kitchen.  I guessed he already knew what had been said.

Ace took my pacing as wanting to play and when he saw me, jumped onto my chest with his front paws.  “Dammit, Lee!  Ace is covered in mud.  Where did you have him?”

He looked at me and busted out laughing at the paw prints on my shirt, right on my breasts.  “I just, I can’t.”  More laughing.  I was going to kick his ass.  He composed himself for long enough to say, “He found a stick and I kept throwing it for him.  I didn’t know he was muddy, I swear.”  Still laughing.

Groaning I yelled at him to dry off the dog’s feet and went upstairs to change my shirt.  I heard the buzzer for the gate and yelled down for Lee to let the pizza guy in.  I slipped on a tank top, but grabbed a sweatshirt to throw over it just in case more dog paws met my chest.

When my feet hit the top step I heard Lee yell for me.  I didn’t know why, it was just pizza.  I saw Kai walk to the door and the second he saw who was on the other side he froze.  Not able to see due to the way the door was only partially open and how my staircase curved, I continued down the stairs.  Pulling my sweatshirt down, I pushed in between the guys.

I was surprised to see who was on the other side.  Radek was standing in my doorway holding the pizzas and the pizza delivery guy was driving down the driveway.  He had a hard look on his face, the muscle in his jaw moving as he took in my appearance.

Stepping forward, I grabbed the pizza boxes and handed them to Lee.  I embraced Radek in a hug which wasn’t returned and tried to kiss him, but he turned his head to dodge it.  Shit.  “What are you doing here?  I thought you were working today.”

“Uh huh, I guess you did,” he said, eyeing Kai and Lee up and down.  “The flight got cancelled late last night, because the person I was flying had a family emergency.  I thought I would surprise you today, but I’m the one who’s surprised and confused as to what the hell is going on here.”

Radek’s eyes didn’t meet mine, they fixated on Kai’s whose in turn were eyeing him back.  Fuck, this was not what I needed.  I turned and grabbed both Kai and Lee by the arm, hauling them further inside so Radek could come in.  He didn’t.  Walking to him, I took his hand in mine, lacing our fingers, and pulled him inside.  I was met with a little resistance, but he let me drag him in.

Kai looked down and saw my hand laced with Radek’s.  His eyes moved to look into mine and my heart broke a little.  His eyes gave away his emotions.  He was hurt and I saw it, because he was my friend and I had known him for so long.  Someone who didn’t know him might not have picked up on it.

Kai’s eyes went back to Radek’s in a silent challenge.  They became hard and I could feel the tension building.  Oh no, they were not going to have a standoff in my house.  Lee placed the pizzas on a small hutch that I had in my entranceway and moved to stand between Radek and Kai.

“Are you two going to throw down?  If so, I think our girl would appreciate you taking that shit outside.”

If I didn’t know better I thought I heard Radek growl.  His voice was deep and angry when he asked, “Our girl?”  He turned to me and holy shit was he pissed.  Seething might have been a more accurate term.  He let go of my hand and I immediately missed its warmth.

“Dude, you need to calm down,” Lee said to him, assuming the role as protector and mediator.

Radek’s words came out in a rush.  “You know what?  I’m going to go.”

He was leaving?  No, he couldn’t.  Radek turned and stalked out of the front door, slamming it behind him, causing me to jump.  I knew he was mad that Kai and Lee met him at the door, but he couldn’t just rush out.

I took a step, but Kai’s hand gripped my elbow.  “Kasi, don’t go out there.  Let him leave.  He’s pissed and I don’t think it’s a smart move.”

Moving my arm from his grasp, I said, “He would never hurt me.”

I rushed out of the front door, closing it behind me.  My pilot was pacing in the driveway alongside his truck, raking his hand through his dark brown hair.  I ran to his side to stop him.

“What are you doing?  Come back inside.”

His eyes were hard when they met mine.  “You want me to stay?  Why, so you can fuck all three of us?”

My head went back as if I’d been slapped.  “What makes you believe I want to sleep with all of you?”

“Well, let’s look at things from my perspective.  I pull up to surprise my girlfriend at the exact time the pizza delivery guy is going through the gate, which I thought worked out well.  I didn’t have to use the intercom to get in, just slipped in behind him quickly.  Then I pay him, half wondering why you would order two pizzas for yourself, but shrugged it off.  That should have been clue number one.

“Then, I knock on the door only to have two members of a hugely popular rock band, and your ex-lovers mind you, answer the door.  Yet, there are no other cars in the driveway.  I look between them and see luggage in your entryway.  If that wasn’t a kick in the balls enough, you come forward pulling on a fucking shirt like you had to dress quickly to answer the door.  Now, you tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to react to that?”

He had valid points on everything, but took it all wrong.  I stepped forward which only made him back away from me.  Shit.  “Radek, I can see how this must look to you, but I can explain.  You knew I was going to call them.”

His fingers raked through his hair again.   “Can you, Kasi?  Call them, yes, not invite them to stay at your house while I was out of town.”

“No!  That’s not it at all.  I had called Kai to fill him in on everything that happened with Erin and how she was threatening me.  That’s it.  Today I woke to a buzzing at the front gate and I find out Kai and Lee are in the car.  They came in and told me they are staying for a week.  I had no idea they were going to visit, let alone stay with me.  They never told me.  I swear.”

“So instead of asking them to stay at hotel you order them pizza?” Yes, that’s right, but the thought did cross my mind.  My hole was getting dug faster and faster.  Radek continued, “I’m sorry, I’m not buying any of this.  This doesn’t add up to me.”

No, he had to believe me.  I was telling the truth.  Couldn’t he see it by looking at my face?  I calmed down and tried to remain level-headed.  We wouldn’t get anywhere if I kept yelling back at him.  “I’m telling you the truth.  I have no reason to lie to you.  If you think for one second I am, then go inside and ask the guys.”

“What about the other times I was out of town?  Did you invite others over when I was away then?”

He’d lost his fucking mind.  “Don’t you think if I was inviting people over while you were gone you would know?  Fuck, the paparazzi sat outside of the gate for months!  They surely would have gotten pictures of that.”

“They haven’t been outside recently.  Who knows what you’ve been doing.”

“Oh my God.  I’m not cheating on you, you dick!  Holy shit, I told you I was in this with you and completely committed.  That’s where I still stand, but you need to be able to trust me, which I thought you did.”

“Yeah, well, right now I don’t know what to believe.  I need to go.”  He turned and opened the door to his truck.  I held onto his arm like it was a lifeline.  My lifeline.

“No, you’re not leaving.  You can’t leave.”

He looked at me, gently removed my hand from his arm and said, “Bye, Kasi.”

I started to cry.  No, this couldn’t be happening.  I needed him.  "No! Please, don’t leave.”

The anger had left him and he looked defeated.  “I have to.  I can’t do this.”

Sobbing, I was full on sobbing.  “You can’t do what?”

“Maybe it’s for the best this way.  Your secret won’t go public and everything will work itself out.”

He hopped up into his truck and shut the door.  I gripped the bottom of the window, refusing to let him leave even if I was no match for his truck.  “If my secret coming out means I can keep you in my life then the whole world can know for all I care.  You are all that matters to me.  Please, stay.”  I was telling the truth.  As much as I didn’t want anyone to know about my secret, I needed Radek like I needed food and water.

“I’m sorry.  Seeing you with Kai and Lee, maybe that’s who you’re meant to be with.  They live in your world Kasi, and are used to all that comes with it.  I don’t.”  His voice dropped to a whisper, “I saw the way he looked at you.  It’s evident how he feels.  Maybe you should be with him.”

I couldn’t talk.  Sobs wracked my body.  The only thing holding me up were my fingers on his truck door.  He picked up each hand and kissed them tenderly, releasing my grip.  “Goodbye, Kasi.”

I yelled the word no a few more times, but he didn’t respond.  He backed his truck out of the spot it was in and put it in drive.  Slowly it wound down my driveway and out of my life.  I stood there, watching it go long after I knew it had left.  Everything that happened in the short amount of time kept playing over and over in my head.  He was really gone.  He left me over a misunderstanding, one that I tried to clear up, but he wouldn’t listen.

Tears cascaded down my face as questions bounced around in my head.  What could I have done differently?  I explained everything.  It was all a coincidence.  Could I have made him stay?  Did he ever really love me?  Was it always his intent to leave me and this gave him an out?

My heart felt like it was shattering into pieces.  I couldn’t drag enough air into my lungs.  Please, please, he needed to come back.  That wasn’t how things were supposed to go.  He was supposed to be a pillar of strength in my life, always having my back.  He told me we were in it together yet he left me.  I needed him to stand by my side.  To love me like only he knew how.

I don’t know how long I stood outside crying after his truck had left.  Seconds, minutes, hours, it didn’t matter.  I heard a door open and close in the background, but didn’t bother to turn to see who it was.  Kai appeared in my line of sight and his eyes swept over my face.

“What happened?”

I shook my head.  “He…left…me.”  All between sobs.

Nothing else was said after that.  He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.  No, this couldn’t be real.  I didn’t want to be in Kai’s arms.  I wanted my pilot back.  This couldn’t be happening to me.

I had nothing left.  My legs became weak and I started to fall to the ground.  Luckily, Kai held on tight and didn’t let me go.  He gently scooped me up into his arms and carried me into the house.  I heard rustling and then Lee was speaking to me.

“Kasi, did he hurt you?”  I nodded.  “That son of a bitch,” he spat out.

“Not in the way you think,” Kai said.  “He left her.”

Lee growled, “He’s got to be the stupidest man on the planet.  I knew I should have gone out there.  I was trying to give you your space with your boyfriend.”

“No, that wouldn’t have done any good.  He didn’t want to hear the truth.  Seeing you would have only made it worse,” I said.

Kai shifted me in his arms before taking me up to my bedroom.  He laid me down on the bed, pulling the blankets up and over me.  I curled into a ball, trying to bury myself deeper into the mattress.  He went to turn away, but I reached out to grab his hand.

I didn’t want to be alone.  If I was left by myself I knew what would happen.  I would go back down that dark spiral only depression could drag me into.  I needed to know I had friends who still cared about me.

He nodded and sat on the bed, pushing himself so his back rested against the headboard.  I moved up and laid my head on him.  “Make the pain stop, Kai.”

“I wish I could.  Try and get some sleep.  I’ll be right here.”

He rubbed my back while I cried.  My world was shattered.  The only man I’d ever had a relationship and been in love with was gone.  Over.  We were done.  I still couldn’t wrap my head around it.  Eventually sleep took over and I drifted off into a black nothingness of space.