Needing Her (19 page)

Maci

M
Y HAIR WAS
naturally straight, I usually just messed with it enough that it had that just-fucked look. But even so, I used Amber’s flat iron to make sure it was perfect, before pulling it back in a low bun and stepping back to look at myself in the full-length mirror. Even with still having red hair, I hardly recognized the person staring back at me. My makeup was a little lighter, the nose ring was still out, my hair was smooth, and I looked like I probably belonged on Bryce’s arm with the black peacoat I had on over my cream long-sleeved shirt. But it wasn’t those changes that made me unrecognizable.

I usually smiled. I usually looked happy. Right now there was nothing, no emotion, no life in my eyes. I looked like I should be going to a funeral instead of a late Christmas Eve dinner with my family.

Forcing a smile, I immediately let it fall when it came across looking pained.

I shouldn’t be this upset about Connor, but I was. I shouldn’t have let myself fall in love with him, but I had. And at the moment, I didn’t know how I was going to make it through another family meal acting like everything was fine when it wasn’t.

Amber walked into our room and stopped quickly, a fake smile immediately pulling at her lips. “Don’t you look . . . different.”

“Why thank you, why don’t you just tell me I look like shit?”

Rolling her eyes, she crossed over to my bed and sat down. “Because you don’t. You’re really pretty, Maci. Like, you have no idea how much it pisses me off how gorgeous you are. You just don’t look a thing like my friend.”

“I don’t say anything when you endlessly go back and forth from blonde to brunette other than the fact that you’re killing your hair. You change the way you look, I’m changing—”

“You. You’re changing
you
, not the way you look.”

I blinked slowly at her and turned toward the door. “We talked about this—it’s time for me to grow up. Come on, let’s go upstairs.”

“It’s Bryce’s version of you growing up. You don’t need to change anything about the way you look, and it’s killing me to watch you do this to yourself. You’re trying to kill off my best friend. You’re shutting her up. You’re hiding her, however you want to see it, but you and I both know you won’t be happy like this.”

I stopped at the door and turned on her, whispering in case anyone was in the hall. “You only think that because I’m not happy right now. I’m going to be fine, I’m growing up, and I’m moving on. If you have a problem with it, then get the fuck over it. I don’t need my best friend telling me that I shouldn’t be a certain way!”

Amber’s head jerked back, and her eyes got massive.

“Look, I know I’m being mean right now, but you have no idea how tired I am of everyone constantly telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. You always told me not to see Bryce, and now you’re telling me not to change the way I look. My brothers won’t let me date anyone and are incessantly bugging me about that. Bryce always told me to stop cussing and told me I had to change the way I look because I looked like a mistress instead of a wife. And for some goddamn reason, every man in my life except for my dad is telling me to grow up. Obviously, whatever I’ve been doing is wrong, so I’m changing that. The only person who is just telling me to be who I want to be is my mom, and I can’t even tell her about being in love with someone because it will get back to my brothers. Do you understand how fucking tired I am?”

She blinked quickly and looked away for a second. “Yeah, I’m sor—”

“I’m always hiding a part of me, there is only one person who has ever gotten all of me. My family gets a certain Maci, my friends get a certain Maci, and Bryce had a certain Maci. Connor had all of me . . . the good and the bad. For the first time I didn’t have to hide a part of my life or my personality, and it was so freeing. But he didn’t want me; I didn’t mean anything to him. And like everyone else, he told me to grow up. So I am. Can you please just be okay with that?” I wiped at my eyes and blinked back the wetness in them.

“Maci, I called—”

The door swung open and my mom popped her head in. “Dinner is about done, you ready? You both look beautiful.”

“Thanks, Mom, we’re coming up.”

She focused on my eyes for a few seconds, but smiled and shut the door behind her as she left.

“What were you going to say?”

Amber chewed on her bottom lip and shifted her weight. “I’m sorry for what I’ve said to you. I just didn’t want you to change because of what Bryce said, and—and I’m just sorry,” she said as she walked past me and opened the door again. “Be whoever you want, and date whomever you want; I’ll love you the same.”

My shoulders sagged when she walked out of my room, and I felt like such a bitch. Again. I really shouldn’t have said that to her, I was just so tired of everyone telling me how to live. Turning around, I walked into the hall and up the stairs. Everyone was already at the table when I got up there, and I was positive that if their wives hadn’t been there, Craig and Sam would be glaring at me just the same as Dakota and Dylan were.

Good to know we’re still not past the whole Bryce thing.

Dakota kept pulling my chair away from me every time I went to sit in it, and after a smack on the back of the head from my dad, he finally shoved it toward me hard enough that I fell into my sister-in-law Sarah’s lap.

“Dakota, that’s enough,” Dad chastised him, and I had the urge to put Dad between Kota and me.

No one said anything about Bryce, or my hidden relationship, throughout the rest of dinner. But just as I started to stand to help my mom and sisters-in-law clear the table, Dakota grabbed my arm and yanked me back down.

“Is there anyone else? Because you went a damn long time not telling us about Bryce; and that got serious enough that he’s still thinking he’s marrying you.”

“I’m not going to marry Bry—”

“I know you’re not. You think we would let you?” he hissed in my ear. “I know you think we’ve been keeping you from having a relationship to be mean, but I promise you we’re just looking out for you. All we want to do is protect you from assholes like us, okay? We can’t do that if you’re keeping them from us.”

I yanked my arm from him and grabbed my plate, but lowered my head toward him before I stood. “Well you really haven’t given me another option, have you?”

“Maci, who else.” It wasn’t a question. It was a demand. But there was no point in telling them about Connor.

After grabbing his plate as well, I took a few steps past him, turned back around, and shook my head sadly. “You know the funny thing about what you just said, Dakota? You say that you all want is to protect me, and that you’re looking out for me; but I don’t feel like I can even come to you guys if I need protecting. You’re my brothers, I’m supposed to feel safe because of all of you; instead I just feel like I need to hide everything about myself from you because you won’t approve or won’t allow it. You four are the last people I would think to call if I was in trouble.”

I ignored the shocked looks everyone was giving me and rushed into the kitchen to put the dishes on the counter. I turned to leave, but my mom grabbed me in a hug from where she was standing at the sink.

“I’m sorry, my sweet girl. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.” Cupping my cheeks, she pulled back to look in my eyes, and smiled sadly. “There’s something else, Maci, I can see it. Maybe someday you’ll talk to me about what’s going on with you? It hurts me that you feel like you can’t.”

My chest started burning and my throat closed up as tears pricked the backs of my eyes. Tonight was definitely not one of my finest. Yelling at my best friend, telling my brothers that they pretty much suck at being brothers. My heart breaking for my mom because I’d kept myself so closed off and had kept everything from her. I needed to get out of there. I just needed to go.

I squeezed my mom’s hands and removed them from my face before running out of the kitchen and through the house toward the front door. Just as my hand reached it, I was turned around, and my body sagged in defeat against the door when I saw Sam.

“Where are you going?”

“I just need to go, I need to get out of here and get away from everything for a minute and just think.”

“We’re your family, don’t run away from us. Dakota and Dylan are being dicks. What’s new? They’ll get over it.”

I shook my head quickly and grabbed the knob behind me. “You don’t understand, Sam. There’s so much going on right now that you just don’t understand. I need to be alone for a while, okay?”

His mouth pulled up on one side as he thought, and then turned to look behind him where the sounds of our family could be heard. “If you’re going outside, then I’m going with you.” He grabbed the first jacket he touched on the coat rack and shrugged it on as he stepped up right next to me. Not giving me the option to go alone.

“Despite everything we’ve said and done, you can’t let us stop you from having relationships,” he said after we’d been walking for a handful of minutes. “And I don’t mean hiding them, I mean actually having them. Bringing the guy around to meet the family, that sort of thing.”

“You’re not,” I said automatically.

He laughed humorlessly and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I need to tell you something,” he mumbled and stared off at the dark sky as we continued to walk.

“Are you going to tell me, or are you just going to make me wonder what it is?”

“I know about Connor,” he said suddenly, and stopped walking, turning his body so he was facing me.

My heart skipped painful beats hearing someone else say his name, and it took a couple seconds for me to understand what he was saying. My eyes widened as I slowly turned to look up at him.

“We . . . shit. He came and talked to us the day before we left for Mammoth, he wanted us to know that you were together. Dylan and Dakota forced him to leave you. I’d sided with Connor, but when I saw you the next day, I knew he’d listened to them.”

The way Connor had been acting that night played through my mind, and I felt sick. Sick over losing him, and over the fact that he
had
tried to stand up to my family, and my brothers had convinced him to leave me. I would expect that from Bryce, but not Connor.

“Wait! You sided with Connor? Why?”

Sam shrugged and a huff left him. “Because he’s a good guy, and he . . . well, after all he said. I knew he wanted to be with you forever, not just to screw around with.”

“We fucked, Maci, that’s all we did.”
I sniffed and rubbed at my frozen nose before crossing my arms under my chest. “Well you were wrong about that, and it doesn’t matter. If he’s going to let them keep us apart, then he’s not worth it.”

“I’m not buying that, and I can tell you don’t even believe the shit you’re saying.”

“I will one day,” I countered, and his face morphed into a sympathetic smile.

“Maci, I had no clue you were with him; but from what he said, and what I’m seeing these last couple of days from you, I don’t think you will. He is worth it: What guy has ever had the balls to talk to you after we’ve told them to back off for just
looking
at you, let alone actually confront three of us at once and
tell
us he’s with you and not leaving you? Dakota and Dylan . . . they said some pretty fucked-up shit. They hit him low, and they hit him hard. I’m still pissed off at them for what they did, but they really left Connor with no choice.”

Little puffs of clouds filled the space between us from our breath for silent minutes as tears filled my eyes, and eventually spilled over.

“There’s always a choice, Sam,” I choked out as I remembered Connor’s words the night my brothers had shown up at his apartment, and turned to head back to the cabin. “I just wasn’t enough for him, apparently.”

Sam grabbed me and pulled me back. “Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not enough. And if that’s what this is”—he gestured toward me—“Maci, you look beautiful, but this isn’t you. This isn’t my little sister.”

“God, not you too. It’s just time for a change,” I repeated mechanically. “Why is that so difficult for everyone to comprehend?”

“If you wanna change, then change. But do it because it’s what you want for you and your life, not because other people have made you feel like you need to. After what I heard from the prick that’s high on his daddy’s money last night, you’re not doing this for you.”

“I’m not doing it for Bryce either.”

“And thank Christ for that. Deep down though, I think you’re letting everything he’s said to you—and what happened to you and Connor—get to you, and you think this is what you have to do. You don’t: all you have to do is be the Maci everyone loves, and let the rest fall into place, okay?”

Tears continued to fall down my face, but I didn’t try to brush them away anymore. The corners of my mouth lifted in a shaky smile and I cocked my head to the side as I looked at my brother.

“Who are you and what did you do with Sam?”

He laughed loudly and pulled me in for a hug. “Come on, let’s go back in. It’s freezing, and whichever twin’s jacket this is, it smells like he had prostitutes hanging all over him. Jessica is going to freak when she smells me.”

I didn’t have to ask what he was talking about. You could smell the jacket from a mile away. “I’ll back you up that it isn’t your jacket as long as you do me a favor. Don’t hold me back when I go ape-shit on Dakota and Dylan’s asses when we get back.”

“Deal.”

But when we got back, Sam didn’t have to worry about holding me back. Craig and Dad were trying to moderate a yelling match that was getting closer and closer to a brawl between Dakota, Dylan, and Connor.

Connor

P
ARKING BEHIND THE
multiple cars at the cabin, I started cursing at the icy walkway as I tried to run up to the door. Without knocking, I walked in and walked toward the living room, where I could hear voices.

“Connor!” Dakota said loudly, his voice deceivingly happy. His eyes looked dark when he noticed my mood.

“Where is she?” I huffed as I looked around the room. I heard a bunch of women talking in the kitchen and turned that way.