Necessary Risk (Bodyguard) (27 page)

“Oh, shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” His phone had likely been buzzing with his dad’s missed calls while he’d been in bed with Sierra.

“Zack filled me in. I knew you were alive, but I wanted to see for myself. He told me about what happened at Ms. Blake’s too.” He shook his head. “Sick sons of bitches.”

Sean nodded in agreement. “You said it.”

“And she’s here?”

“Yeah. Sleeping.” He tipped his head toward his bedroom. God, he felt like shit lying to his dad this way, but they’d be dealing with a second explosion tonight if Patrick found out Sean was sleeping with a client.

A tense silence hung between them, filling the space. Sean turned and headed for the fridge, and Patrick followed him into the kitchen.

“You want a beer?”

“Sure.”

Sean popped the caps off two bottles and extended one to Patrick, who accepted it and took a long pull.

“How’s she doing?”

“Better than you’d expect.” Sean took a sip of his beer. “She’s…” He paused, wanting to find exactly the right words to describe her. “She’s tough. Strong. She’ll be OK. And I’m not letting her out of my sight.” A swell of hot, possessive pride crashed through him.

Patrick nodded, leaning against the counter, his back to the sink. They sipped their beers in a silence that stretched on for a few long minutes before Sean decided he needed to ask the question weighing on him. “So you seriously drove all the way over here because I didn’t answer my phone? You were that worried about me?” He hadn’t meant to sound so cynical, but he was genuinely surprised.

“All the way over here? I live in Encino. It’s twenty-five minutes away.” Patrick waved his hand, batting away Sean’s question instead of answering it, which was answer enough itself.

“I know where you live.”

Patrick scowled, picking at the green label on his bottle, now softened with condensation. A jab of guilt poked Sean in the ribs.

Jesus. They couldn’t go five minutes without sniping at each other.

Patrick sighed heavily. “Yes, I wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“Sierra and I are both fine.”

Patrick nodded, worrying a strip of green between his thumb and forefinger. “Good.” He took a breath and looked up at the ceiling, visibly hesitating for several seconds before he spoke again. “You know that I don’t blame you, right?”

Sean froze, his beer bottle halfway to his mouth. He had no idea what he was supposed to say to that. He
didn’t
believe that his father didn’t blame him for the accident. How could he not? Sean sure as hell blamed himself. So he didn’t say anything, just sipped his beer.

“Sean. Say something.” Patrick set his beer bottle down on the counter and pushed his hands through his short hair.

“Why are you telling me this right now?”

“Because you need to hear it. I thought I might’ve lost you tonight, just like…”

Sean completed his father’s unspoken thought. “Just like you lost Mom. Which
was
my fault, and you
should
blame me.”

The scene came rushing back at him. The rainy night. The driver who’d run a red light, whom Sean hadn’t seen in time. The horrible, gut-wrenching sound of squealing tires, crunching metal, and shattering glass. His frantic efforts to stanch the blood flowing from his mom’s wounds. The way she’d told him she loved him just before the light went out of her eyes.

How his dad had refused to look at him in the days following her death. They’d each grieved alone, and a wall had gone up between them, Patrick blaming, and Sean accepting the blame.

In the weeks following his mother’s death, Sean had watched his father fall apart. Drinking. Gambling. Neglecting the company. So he’d quit playing semipro baseball and come home to help with the business. Giving up baseball had been his penance for what had happened.

So now a simple “You know that I don’t blame you” was hard to swallow. Maybe it was true right now, tonight, but Patrick had blamed him, and Sean had blamed himself all the more because of it.

“You resent me, and I don’t blame you for that either.” Patrick studied him, his arms crossed.

“You think I resent you?” Sean frowned, not entirely comfortable with this conversation. Deep down he probably did resent his father, but it was more complicated than that, because the resentment was tangled up with guilt, remorse, and grief.

“I resent the hell out of myself for the position I put you in after Mom died.”

“You didn’t force me to do anything.” Sean took a long, deep pull on his beer.

“Didn’t I? You’d just lost your mother, and I couldn’t keep it together. I didn’t leave you much choice. I let you down. I should’ve been there for you, and instead I fell apart and it was up to you to keep everything together. I should’ve done better by you.”

Patrick’s words settled over him, the truth in them seeping into the cracks Sean hid, buried deep inside.

“I’m the one who let her die, Dad. I’m the one who was driving, and I’m the one who couldn’t save her.”

“So, what? You came home because you felt guilty?”

Sean shrugged, sipping his beer. “Partly, yes.”

For some reason that seemed to make Patrick angry, and he stalked into the living room, his hands on his hips as the newly closed emotional distance gaped once again between them. He froze, his eyes glued to something on the floor.

He bent down and picked up Sierra’s bra from where it lay on top of their discarded shirts. “Interesting spot for this.”

Shit.

He tossed the bra onto the couch, shaking his head in anger. “Are you sleeping with a client?”

There was no point lying about it, so he nodded, and Patrick exploded. Just as Sean had known he would.

“I can’t fucking believe you! Do you have any idea how unprofessional this is? How dangerous?”

Sean exploded right back, the anger, the anxiety, the fear that maybe his father was right ripping through him. “Yes, I know! OK? I know! What do you want me to say?”

“For starters, that she’s not going to be your client anymore. And second, that you won’t continue sleeping with her. Jesus, Sean.”

He licked his lips, fighting back his anger. “I can’t do that. I won’t remove myself from this assignment.”

“How are you supposed to protect her if you’re only focused on getting her into bed? You’re putting her, yourself, and the other guards in danger.”

“I can handle it.” And although he knew he could, he also knew Patrick would never believe him.

“I thought you knew better. Apparently I was wrong. You’re off the case!” Patrick sliced his hand through the air, his shout echoing off the walls.

Something snapped in Sean, and he was suddenly inches away from his father. “You don’t get to make that decision. You’re supposed to be retired, for fuck’s sake! This isn’t even any of your goddamn business.”

“She’s a client, and it’s
my company
, so it is
absolutely
my fucking business!”

“I’m
not
stepping aside.”

Patrick’s lip curled, his face red with anger. “You’re jeopardizing the company’s reputation, your reputation, and her safety just so you can get your dick wet. I didn’t raise you to be so selfish.”

“Oh, so now I’m selfish? When a second ago I was too much of a martyr for your liking? How is it that nothing I do is ever fucking good enough? I can’t ever win with you, and you know what? I’m sick of it.”

“And how are you going to martyr yourself when this all goes sideways, huh? What kind of fucked-up punishment are you going to saddle yourself with then? When she ends up hurt, or worse, what are you going to do? You want to fuck her, or protect her? Because you can’t do both, Sean.” His father jabbed a finger into Sean’s chest, challenging him.

“Get the fuck out.
Now.
”

Patrick stood still, barely breathing. Abruptly he spun and exited, slamming the door behind him. Sean stood with his hands on his hips, breathing and staring at the ceiling, trying to sort through and compartmentalize everything, trying to push a little bit more of the anger and the hurt away with each breath out.

He knew it was wrong to sleep with a client. He also knew he was falling in love with Sierra. He knew he needed to stop blaming himself for what had happened to his mom, but he also knew that as much as he pretended not to, his dad did blame him for what had happened, regardless of what he said. It colored every single interaction between them, on both sides.

He knew that he resented having had to give up his dream of playing professional baseball, but he also knew it had been the right thing to do. Given the option, he’d make the same choice again. Yes, he’d come home partly out of guilt, but also because he wanted to help his dad. Now they’d both spent so long living with all of it—the guilt, the blame, the resentment, the loss—that they didn’t know how to communicate without it. Anytime they made baby steps forward, something happened to send them spiraling back.

It had become clear that Patrick felt just as guilty about how everything had gone down as Sean did, and nothing would ever change until they forgave both themselves, and each other. And Sean wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself for letting his mother die, leaving them at an impasse.

“Oh my God, Sean. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause a problem between you and your dad. Are you OK?” Sierra stood a few feet behind him in the hallway, wearing his favorite Dodgers T-shirt, her fingers pressed to her mouth.

Need vibrated through him, and he closed the distance between them. Cupping her face, he crushed his mouth to hers. After several long seconds, he broke the kiss. “I am now.”

“What do you want to do?” she asked as he traced his thumbs over her cheekbones.

“About us?”

She nodded, biting her lip. “Do you want to stop—”

He kissed her again, soothing the bite with his tongue. “I want to go back to bed.”

*  *  *

Guilt ripped at Sierra even as Sean led her back to his bedroom. She’d heard every single word of that fight, and each word had sliced into her like a knife.

I’m the one who let her die, Dad. I’m the one who was driving, and I’m the one who couldn’t save her.

Her heart ached for Sean over what he’d gone through losing his mother. She couldn’t imagine the pain he’d been through. Couldn’t fathom the pain he still carried every single day.

“Wait.” She tugged on his hand and stopped just before they entered his bedroom. She bit her lip and shifted her weight from foot to foot. “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

Sean’s face fell, and he dropped her hand. “If you don’t want to, then we won’t.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to, Sean. Trust me. I want to. But I don’t want to do anything to put you or the guys in danger, or to threaten your job. I don’t want to do that to you. It’s selfish.”

He sighed and led her gently into the bedroom and pulled her onto the bed with him. Sitting up against the headboard, he tucked her against him. Several moments passed before he spoke.

“I’m going to be completely honest with you. Yes, we’re taking a risk by getting involved right now. Part of the reason bodyguards shouldn’t get involved with clients is because of the distraction. If I’m thinking about how I can’t wait to get my face between your thighs, I might not be paying attention to important details. It’s a legitimate risk.”

His voice was a low rumble in his chest, vibrating gently against her cheek. She closed her eyes, instantly soothed by the warmth of his body, the rhythm of his breathing, the steady beat of his heart, the security of his arms around her.

“But then there’s the other side of it, the potentially good side. I’m personally invested in your safety in a unique way, and I’m damn well not going to let anything happen to you. I have additional motivation now beyond doing a good job and getting a paycheck.

“And in terms of jeopardizing my job, it’s a moot point. Whether he likes it or not, Dad officially handed control of the company to me over a year ago. Virtus is
my
company. No one can fire me. I get why he’s upset, but we fight. It’s just what we do. If it wasn’t about this, it’d be about something else.

“I’m confident that I can keep you safe and we can keep seeing each other, because I’m aware of the risks. Now that you’re mine, there’s no way in hell I can let you go.”

He was the one who’d just had a huge argument with his father, and he was comforting and reassuring her. She wasn’t sure what she’d done to deserve this man, but it must’ve been something pretty amazing.

She lifted her head from his chest and kissed him, slowly and tenderly, wanting to give him some of the comfort and reassurance that he’d just given her.

“I don’t want to make you choose between me and your father.”

“You’re not. He’s angry now. He’ll get over it and find something else to be angry about. Trust me.”

“I do.” She kissed him again. “And I don’t want to stop being yours.”