Necessary Endings (23 page)

The hoarder mentality thrives not only in garages, but in business and people’s lives, as well.

I was talking to an executive recently who had to fight with his management team to close down a division of the company that he said was only breaking even. His team had always managed to find enough revenue to make the division pay for itself, he said, but it was clear that the unit was

“real y not a business that was going anywhere. And it was certainly not core to what we do. But it was taking focus away for some key people, and we needed them to focus on what was truly core and had a future.”

“Why didn’t they want to give it up?” I asked.

“Because they kept saying to themselves,
But it might make money
,
and since we aren’t losing money on it
,
let’s keep it to see if it turns
around
,” he said.

“Classic hoarding behavior in the business sense,” I said. “Hoarders always say, ‘I might need that’ in one form or another. This is the business example of hoarding. ‘We might need that business next year if it gets good.’ It is like saying, ‘If we had some ham, we could make some ham and eggs, if we had some eggs.’ The only thing holding it together is a
might
or an
if
, with no reason to support it.”

“Exactly,” he said. “Get rid of it and get focused on what is real, I told them. No room for
it might
.”

He had created bil ions in revenues, and I’ve seen his clean garage. The same quality probably created both.

The idea here is that when it is time to execute an ending, people resist by tel ing themselves a whole host of soothing sentiments that calm them down and do away with the urgency. The urgency they feel from seeing reality gets them close to pul ing the trigger, and that makes them anxious.

So to rid themselves of the anxiety, they talk themselves out of action. “I might need that, or him, or it.”

Likewise, getting to a point of fol ow-through requires that you observe yourself when you make such statements and become aware of the ways that you are lying to yourself. Here are some common ones:

“I’ll Do It Later”

Later
is one of the most abused drugs we have available to us. Very few medicating thoughts can rid us of the anxiety associated with a difficult action better than to tel ourselves that we wil do it “later.” It kind of makes it al go away. Why? Because when we say it, we think we are actual y
going
to do it “later,” so we feel the momentary relief of the problem being solved without having to go through the work to do the ending. The person bingeing on the buffet at holiday parties comforts himself with the thought that
after New Year’s
,
I am going to go on a diet. See
,
there is
really no problem eating all of this stuff now
,
because I am going to lose it
,
come January.
“Later” is as good as done, in his mind. But “January”

never comes.

Leaders often do the same thing when they come face-to-face with a difficult business decision. They convince themselves of the need to fol ow through with that decision, know that it is necessary, and tel themselves that they wil do it “after we get done with the new release. That is the first priority now.” So they feel good about taking action
in their heads
as they plan to do it and feel relieved. But the reality is that it is not done, and the next time it comes up on the radar, they wil engage in the same trick of resistance, and the ending wil not occur. It is only a trick.

People in difficult relationships find many ways to play the “later” card. When they know that something has to change, they calm their internal dissonance with the thought that they
certainly
are going to address it, “just not today. I wil do it when the timing is right.”

When you come face-to-face with reality and realize you need to execute an ending, take note of whenever you tel yourself some version of

“later.” Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• If you are going to do it “later,” then when wil that be? Set a date.

• What real reason do you have for waiting? What specific information are you waiting on that is absolutely necessary to have before you make a move? Or what event must happen first before you can make the move? If there is not a real contingency, then why are you waiting?

If you are going to wait, set the deadline and bring someone into that decision to hold you accountable to it on that date. If possible, establish some consequences. Create a calendar about the costs of waiting. Make yourself look directly into exactly what that extra time is going to cost you, in money, energy, missed opportunities, or more misery. Then sign a contract with yourself every day that says “in exchange for not having to do this today, I wil pay the fol owing amount.” Then list al of those costs. You are going to pay them anyway if you wait, so you might as wel have it in writing. This is also a great team exercise. When people are throwing up resistances to a certain decision, have everyone sign off on the consequences as a group.

Selective Memory

“So why don’t you tel him that you want to break up with him?” I asked Monica about her boyfriend, Stan. “You keep tel ing me over and over about this issue that just doesn’t go away.”

“Because he has so many wonderful qualities,” she said. “There are so many things I love about him.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Wel , like his sense of humor, and his charm. I stil get excited whenever he is around. I am so drawn to him,” she said.

“Yeah, I know.” I empathized. “And then when you get together, what happens?”

“We have a great time,” she said. “That is why it is so hard.”

“You have a great time for how long?” I pushed.

“Wel , when he is there. And then when we get together again,” she said.

“And . . . when is that?” I asked.

“Too long . . .” she said, reflecting the truth that Stan would dip into her life with fly-by romance and investment and then be total y unavailable in any kind of sustained way that would build a true relationship.

“And then what happens?” I asked further, knowing the answer.

“I’ve told you. I cal him and tel him how I am feeling ignored, and he gets mad and defensive and says that I am smothering him,” she said.

“And,” I reminded her, “he has the same reaction any other time you want to discuss an issue also. He gets defensive if you cal him on anything.”

“Yeah, I know,” she nodded.

“So the reality is that al of these wonderful qualities that you wil miss
are just one part of him
. They coexist with a lot of other qualities that make it impossible to have a relationship with him. You realize that, over and over, get depressed about it, and then know that you cannot continue that way. So you decide to end it. And then, you play a trick,” I explained.

“What trick?” she asked.

“It is cal ed the ‘I wil only think of the good parts of him’ trick, so you won’t have to do the breakup. Every time you think about breaking up, you begin to miss someone that does not exist, the Stan with only those good parts. If that were who he real y was, you wouldn’t be so dissatisfied.

“But the one you are missing, the one with only the wonderful qualities,
doesn’t exist in real life.
The real Stan, the one with al of those good qualities, is the same one who continual y frustrates you with his lack of commitment and other problems and qualities. He has other qualities besides the ones you like. That is the whole person, the whole picture that you must agree to like or not. But you keep focusing on only the good parts,” I said. “You have selective memory when you think of breaking up with him. Then you miss someone who doesn’t exist, and you think,
I can’t
break up with him. He is so wonderful.
But, the wonder is not the whole picture.”

This is a wel -known psychological defense that happens when people can’t let go of a person or thing they are invested in. They idealize the lost or soon-to-be lost love object, instead of seeing it as a whole. They focus just on the part that they like and fail to take into account the negatives that make the good parts unusable. So they are never able to let go, because they feel that al they are letting go of is something wonderful. “He is so wonderful,” should real y be stated as, “He is so wonderful, but he is also unfaithful and a crook. I can’t live with al of that.”

Businesses do this sometimes with employees and with business units. They just look at the potential or the great aspects that they love and are excited about, and they find a way to negate the reality of al the downsides, especial y the costs. The closer they get to making the decision, the more they focus on the good side of the ledger, and forget the whole picture. And resistance emerges as they go through lots of internal negotiations, trying to find a way to make it work so they don’t lose al of what they love. They are bargaining with themselves to avoid the loss.

The truth may be that you have already negotiated those realities a thousand times and if you could have fixed it by now, it would be fixed. To get over the resistance, you have to continual y keep the whole picture right in front of your eyes. Stay focused on the entirety. “Yes, he is talented, and to have his talent, we have to also have an awful culture. Do we want
both of those
?”

Questions:

• As you get closer to the decision, do you find yourself focusing on the positives and already anticipate missing those aspects?

• Do you forget or lose sight of al of the negatives?

• Do you minimize the negatives?

If this mechanism is where your resistance is coming from, get back into a mind-set of seeing the
whole
picture. Focus on al of the person or the business or the situation. Keep the negatives front and center; do not let them disappear, and you wil retain your urgency and move more quickly.

The Paradox of “Whole Vision”

My emphasis on seeing the whole picture may sound as though I’m saying you should have no tolerance for a relationship, employee, business, or anything that makes the picture less than perfect. In other words, “If he/she/it has negative qualities, we need to execute an ending and find a better he/she/it.”

In fact, I am saying the opposite. The longest-lasting and best relationships, as wel as the best businesses, are the ones in which everyone involved sees and loves the whole picture, positive and negative. In marriage, for example, you must love the whole person just as they are, warts and al , and maintain positive attachment. But that only happens with people who have the capacity to see the whole picture at once and stil keep the love alive. It does not mean that we do not work on the warts, but it does mean that they are OK in the bigger scheme of things.

Seeing the whole picture is also the same quality that al ows people to let go of the ones that should be let go of. The maturity to discern when to remain invested in a relationship or situation and when to let go of one is the same. You have to be able to see the whole reality in both situations, the one that you keep and the one that you don’t. Otherwise, lasting relationships cannot happen, and bad ones cannot end. If we look at it al and love it, that is great. It means we are wil ing to deal with the negatives to have the positives. That is commitment. Conversely, if we look at it al and don’t love it, there is an ending needed, because something about the negatives is a deal breaker. Same ability, different outcomes.

Businesses, for example, only thrive when leadership can see the good aspects, the potential, and at the same time embrace the obstacles and the problems that have to be solved to bring those potentials to fruition. That is mature leadership, the ability to see and work with the whole picture.

It is only when a person can see the whole picture and work with it as it is that lasting success happens. For example, take the Hol ywood romance: The tabloids recount how a particular pair of celebrities discovered they are “soul mates” on the movie set, and the story is al about how wonderful their love is and how it wil last forever. Six months later, the same tabloid chronicles the breakup of their perfect relationship. Why? Often because there is a romantic idealization happening in the beginning of the relationships. Each fal s in love with an idealized fantasy of each other; each sees only the good and none of the bad. Then, when less-than-perfect qualities come into view, what happens? They lose touch with the good things they fel in love with and cannot handle the letdown. Instead of metabolizing the fact that their relationship has some faults, instead of working through those issues, they create an unnecessary ending.

Many personal and business failures come from just this dynamic: each party overidealizes the other, blocking out the negative, then later sees only the negative and blocks out the positive; one or both parties becoming motivated to toss it al . This is not maturity. Maturity is always about seeing both, the positive and the negative, and dealing with al of it. Sometimes that sum total is “good enough,” but sometimes it is not, and an ending must occur. But you real y won’t know which situation applies—and you wil suffer from both false positives and false negatives—unless you can see the whole picture in reality.

External Resistances

Most of what we have discussed so far concerns internal resistances, the ones that occur within our own heads. But remember, just because you aren’t paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you. Most times when you exercise an ending of some sort, there wil be people in your circle who wil try to fight it or slow it down. You have to be ready for that to occur, recognize it as inevitable, and deal with it. Otherwise, other people wil be in control of your life and decisions.

External resistances are those that come from other people. Their chal enges and questions are not the helpful kind that a good confidante might provide. Sometimes the people in our business and personal lives who care about us actual y stop or hinder us from making decisions they believe are not good for us. Right or wrong, they are acting out of what they believe are our best interests. That is not the kind of resistance I am referring to here. I am referring to resistance from people who have ulterior, self-protective, or self-interested motives. Let’s look at some of these resisters.