Near & Far (28 page)

“Why’s that?” Having been raised with a menagerie of them, Jesse loved animals. However, he also loved to talk and, other than Mister Ed, I had yet to meet a talking horse.

“Because a Wyoming boy is cowboy on the outside . . . but a Montana boy bleeds cowboy.”

I rolled my eyes. “I can tell someone’s been spending a lot of time with Garth Black.”

“So much time, I think I’ve earned my sainthood by now.”

By my standards, he’d earned that a long time ago. “So how did you get from Wenatchee to here?”

“Uh . . . well . . .” Jesse searched the ceiling for an answer. Never a good sign. “A team bus picked me up.” Jesse had a tough time lying, and he had a harder time buffering the truth. The poor guy was squirming.

“What kind of team?”

“A
dance
team.”

“And was this dance team male or female?”

I would have thought the world’s fate was riding on his shoulders from his anxious expression. “It was a female dance team.”

Of course a bus full of girls would pull over when they saw Jesse hitching. That was more fact than the theory of relativity. A woman, especially a band of them, didn’t just drive by Jesse Walker without staring, stopping, or offering him a ride if he needed one.

“What kind of dancers were they?” Knowing they were girls and dancers had been enough information for me, but from the way Jesse was chewing at his lip, I knew there was more.

“The
dancing
kind of dancers.” I lifted an eyebrow and waited. He exhaled. “The kind that use a pole.”

Opportunistic, pole-humping bitches.
After I got that out of my system, I laughed. Laughed hard and loud and like I wouldn’t be able to stop. Jesse’s overwhelming hesitancy to admit that he’d been picked up by a bus full of pole dancers endeared him even more to me. The fact that he was embarrassed by it was the cherry on top.

Jesse chuckled with me, and the two of us made such a laughing raucous that Sid emerged from his office. Alex wasn’t working, so I guessed he was actually able to do some paperwork.

“Hey, Jesse! What’s up, my country brother?” His face lit up when he saw us. Sid had a soft spot for Jesse. Along with every single person who’d ever met him. As Sid came closer, his eyes widened. “What the hell happened to you?”

“My truck threw up on me. Then it died.”

“That sucks, man. You really need to consider picking up one of those little hybrids. Better for the environment, and let me tell you, my Prius is a fricking machine.”

I wanted to, but I didn’t roll my eyes. Sid didn’t drive a Prius because he was all environmentally conscious. He drove one because he liked the way it “labeled” him one of those hippy, earthy types.

“How does it do pulling a horse trailer?” Jesse asked, keeping a straight face.

“I’d wager a little better than that gas-guzzling truck that’s about to become scrap metal.”

Jesse pumped his fist over his heart. “Ouch, Sid. The pain is still fresh.”

“Sorry, I forget the gritty cowboy is sensitive. Especially when you’re all coated in grease.” Sid looked like he was about to shake Jesse’s hand, then saw how filthy it was and decided against it. “I’ve got a pile of paperwork I’ve got to get back to, but it’s good seeing you again. Don’t stay away so long next time, okay? I think our Rowen here was about to take a plunge into the Sound, if you know what I mean.”

“Staying away isn’t something I’m very good at. Obviously.” Jesse’s arm tightened around me as he waved at Sid.

“Get that boy a doughnut and some coffee, Rowen. And a washcloth,” Sid added, disappearing into his office.

“Bacon maple bar?” I didn’t know why I bothered asking; Jesse inhaled a few of them every time he visited.

“I need my protein. I’m a growing boy.” Jesse grinned as I pulled a couple of bacon maple bars from the case.

“So these pole dancers . . .” I said. Jesse’s face dropped while I poured a cup of coffee. “Do they normally travel in a team bus? Because, from what I know about pole dancing, it’s more of an individual event. At least that’s the way it was when I was doing it.”

Jesse smiled at me humorlessly. “Ha. Ha. I don’t know. I guess they were going to some kind of competition or something here.”

“So if you go missing, I know where to look?” I was being an insufferable smart-ass, but in all fairness, Jesse knew what he was getting into with me. Something about the way his eyes always lit up when I gave him a hard time told me he didn’t mind much.

“Yeah. Look in your bed.”

“Looking forward to that.” I set the coffee and doughnuts in front of him, along with a damp washcloth, then went to grab my lunch from the fridge. It was a little early for my break, but if Sid didn’t like it . . . too bad. I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in a month, and I’d never missed a shift at Mojo. He’d have to deal. When I returned to the table, Jesse hadn’t touched the coffee or doughnuts. His face was drawn together in seriousness. I rested my hand on his shoulder and scooted close. “Jesse?”

“What’s the matter, Rowen? Why were you so upset this morning?” His eyes stayed locked on the table, but his hand found mine.

“Not now. I don’t want to talk about that here. We’ll talk after work.” I’d been so caught up in our reunion, I’d forgotten why I’d been so upset earlier. There was nothing about that confession I was looking forward to. Not even the relief I assumed I’d feel because I knew my relief meant he’d feel like he’d been blindsided by a semi.

“Why not? I’ve been driving myself crazy all day wondering what’s the matter.” His words were needless. I could tell from his expression alone that the day had been torture.

“Because I want to give you my undivided attention. Because I don’t want to be interrupted every two minutes to ring up a maple bar. Because I want privacy, and I want to be able to go to bed with you right after and make love until the sun rises.” There were dozens of
becauses
, but really, I was scared. I wanted a little more time with him, another hour or two of him looking at me with love, not betrayal.

“All right, when you put it that way . . .” Jesse nudged me, the seriousness dimming from his face. “Could you just promise me something? It will make me feel ten times better while waiting.”

I’d seldom been able to deny Jesse anything. I nodded once.

“Promise me that when you’re done telling me what you need to, that we’ll be okay. Promise me nothing’s going to change between us. Promise me that, and I know I can deal with anything.” That strong, certain voice of his wavered a bit. Just barely, but it caught my attention.

I wanted to promise him that, God knew I’d never wanted to make a promise to anyone the way I wanted to promise Jesse that. But how could I promise when I didn’t know? Nothing would change the way I felt about him, the way I felt about
us,
but I couldn’t promise when I didn’t know how he’d feel once I told him about the internship. I was figuring out a way to answer him when the door opened and a couple headed for the display case. I couldn’t imagine being as relieved as I was to be interrupted when I was with Jesse.

Lifting my index finger to Jesse, I rushed to the counter to help the couple. I’d be lying if I said I hurried with their order. I took my time wrapping up their Nirvana By Chocolate and Afternoon Delight doughnuts. I felt Jesse’s eyes on me the entire time. Once I’d rung them up and I really couldn’t stall any longer, I inhaled and headed back to Jesse. He was still watching me, but his forehead was lined and there was something in his eyes. Something I used to see when I looked in the mirror, but I’d rarely, if ever, seen in Jesse’s eyes: uncertainty. Anxiety. And maybe, just maybe, a hint of fear.

I’d been picking up on those things on the phone with him lately, but I had yet to see them play out in front of me. It shook me to see the man I loved—who’d always seemed like a rock, as close to invincible as a mortal could be—that undone. Seeing him unsettled did the same to me.

“Jesse, I’ll tell you what’s been going on with me, but I need you to tell me what’s been going on with you too. I know something’s been bothering you, but I don’t know what.” I scooted beside him and grabbed his hand. I wasn’t sure if it was more for his support or mine. “But I
want
to know. I want to be able to help you. I want to be strong for you the way you’ve been strong for me. I want to help you with whatever this is.”

“I’m fine—”

“Don’t. Just don’t,” I practically snapped. “Give me a little more credit than that. I know when the person I love most in the world is struggling with something. I mean, shit, I used to be the reigning queen of struggling through life. Don’t treat me like I can be appeased with a
I’m fine
or that I’m happy to play ignorant and accept what you want me to believe. I’m not that person, Jesse. I’m the person who’s willing to walk through hell with you because I know the way. I’m the person who will be with you the whole way until you come out on the other side. Got it?” I hadn’t been expecting that impassioned speech to just pour from me, but apparently I’d been bottling it up. It actually felt like a relief to get it out.

Jesse sighed. “Rowen, I can’t—”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Both,” he admitted with another sigh.

I shook my head. “And who does that sound like? Who does that remind you of? Because it sure as hell reminds me of a certain someone sitting beside you who didn’t want to open up to anybody last summer. Who did everything she could to push people away.” I nudged Jesse and squeezed his hand. “Until another certain someone said too bad, got her to open up, and wouldn’t let her push him away.”

“What are you saying, Rowen? I got a little confused with all of the
certain someones
.” Jesse managed a small smile.

“I’m saying it’s time for me to repay the favor, buddy. So be prepared.”

Jesse’s arm went around my neck, and he pulled me close. Pressing his lips to my forehead, he kept them there for a few breaths. “I just fell a little more in love with you.”

“That was the whole point.”

We sat like that for a few minutes. Silent and still, content just to be near one another. Then I heard Jesse’s stomach grumble. Actually, I felt it, too.

“Holy . . . Either you swallowed an angry gnome or your stomach is staging a revolt.” I patted his stomach. “When did you eat last?”

“Um . . . six this morning. Maybe seven?”

“Jesse Walker! You need to take better care of yourself. You’re a growing boy, you know.” Grabbing my lunch bag, I upended its contents onto the table. “Here. Eat.” I pulled out my peanut butter sandwich and handed it to him, ready to hold him down and force feed him if necessary.

Then, because life was too short and those kinds of moments were too few, I smashed the sandwich into his mouth like we’d just cut into our wedding cake and I was
that
bride.

Jesse’s eyes went wide with surprise, but it didn’t take him long to catch up. He was used to those random moments of crazy from me. Grabbing my wrist, Jesse moved it away from his face toward mine.

“No, Jesse. Don’t you dare!” I laughed, trying to dodge the smashed peanut butter sandwich. Just as I was certain I was going to take it in the face, he let go of my wrist. Instead of peanut butter, his lips covered my mouth. Because Jesse Walker was
that
kind of groom.

Although, since his mouth was covered with peanut butter, I suppose he still got a bit of payback. When Jesse’s mouth left mine, I held out the mangled sandwich. “Eat your dinner, Casanova.”

Jesse laughed, took the sandwich half, and devoured it in two bites. “I guess I was hungrier than I thought.”

“I better save the Cheetos for Mar, just in case she shows up tonight.”

Jesse stopped chewing the carrot he’d just popped in his mouth. His face froze up again.

“What’s up?” I asked, dropping my hand on his forearm. “Bad carrot?”

He gave his head a swift shake, clearing his face a bit. “Something like that.”

“Don’t eat any more of those little bastard carrots then,” I teased, exchanging the baggie of carrots for an apple.

Jesse forced out a laugh, but it was strained. “So . . . Mar? That’s her name?” He paused, looking like he’d just bitten into something sour. “This is the homeless lady who’s been giving you so much self, life, and relationship advice?”

“Hey, she might not have a fancy degree, but you can’t frame a real-life experience certificate. I don’t agree with everything she says, but she makes some valid points.” I’d mentioned Mar to Jesse a few times over the past month. He hadn’t been thrilled that I was hanging with a homeless lady and, even though he’d never outright said it, I knew he was concerned that I was taking her advice to heart. Especially when it came to the relationship advice she was always so eager to shell out.

“Valid points about what? Settling down too young? Not being tied down to anything or anyone? Moving to Tahiti and selling coconut juice from a beachside trailer?” Jesse’s mouth curved up on one side before biting into the apple.

“Okay, every point but that last one was totally whack. Because, really, everyone knows you haven’t lived until you’ve sold overpriced, water-downed coconut juice to wealthy tourists from a sweltering tin-can of a trailer.”

“Everyone knows that,” Jesse said around a bite of apple.

“Mar is mad smart.”

“Have you talked to Mar about us?”

“A little, not too much.” Mar knew I had a boyfriend, but I kept the specifics to myself—I hadn’t even told her his name. But that didn’t keep her from making assumptions about us and doling out words of wisdom based on those assumptions. Jesse nodded, working something out in his head. “What? Tell me.”

Jesse set down the apple and twisted toward me. “I don’t know. It just seems weird that you’re talking about us with a woman you know next to nothing about.”

My eyebrows came together. “Why?”

“Some things you need to keep protected, you know? Some things you don’t share with just anybody. You choose the people in your life you open up to about the sacred things because those are the people truly invested and concerned about your life. Anyone you run into will be eager to give you advice, but are they really taking your best interests into consideration? Or are they simply letting their own experiences and biases mold the advice they give you?”