Naturals (15 page)

Chapter 18

My limbs were stiff, my chest hurt from days of coughing, and the bedsheets stuck to me in a mixture of sweat and God knows what else. But I was alive.

“I hope you’re feeling better than you look,” a voice said from above.

I lifted my head to find Lockwood smiling down at me. While it was difficult, I was happy to find that I could match his smile. “I guess that cold was worse than I thought,” I joked.

Lockwood sat down next to me, the cot groaning as if it would break any second. “Not very funny, Tess. I should kick your ass for letting it get so bad.”

I heaved my body up so that I was sitting on my elbows. “I think the fever pretty much took care of all the ass-kicking I’ll deserve for a lifetime.”

Lockwood rolled his eyes. “Knowing you, somehow I think you’ll be due for a few more.”

“May I come in?”

Henry. My smile got bigger. I didn’t try to hide how elated I was to see him. I could have left him without ever fixing what was broken between us. If there was one thing I should have learned from losing so many people, it was that time stopped for no one. Good-byes were messy. There were so many things I would regret not saying to the people I lost, but that didn’t have to be the theme of my whole life.

Henry didn’t wait for an invitation. He busted into the room and threw his arms around me, nearly knocking Lockwood off the bed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed him in.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered in his ear.

“I’m sorry, too,” he whispered back, giving me a squeeze for good measure.

Henry pulled away and sat next to me, opposite of Lockwood. “You scared the hell out of us.”

I took Henry’s hand in mine. “How bad was it?”

“We were picking straws to see who would have to bury you,” Lockwood replied dryly.

“And who was the lucky one?” I asked with a laugh.

“Not funny,” Henry said, suddenly serious.

I gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m here. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

It was only then that I really looked at him. He appeared haggard. “How long was I out of it?”

“A week,” said Lockwood.

“Longest week of my life,” added Henry, who was staring past me, seeing some possible future that was much more dismal than the one we were currently living in.

“A week?” I asked in disbelief. “The last thing I remember was…my mother.”

“Do you remember pushing me? Pretty rude, I must say,” said Lockwood.

“I guess she wasn’t really there, was she?” I replied, choosing to ignore Lockwood’s smart remark.

“No, Tess. She wasn’t,” Henry replied.

That meant that none of it was real. Emma. My father. Louisa. My mother. James. I hadn’t seen any of them. It was difficult to say how I felt about that realization. Part of me was glad that none of those nightmares were real, that they were just fever-induced images. But the other part of me wished they were, because no matter how distorted they had been, it meant I could have my family back. Even if only for a little while.

It also meant that my dreams of James were just that—dreams. I swallowed down the mixture of emptiness and anger that wanted to rise up from me and furiously blinked away the tears that burned my eyes. My damn treasonous body. It was like I was back in those woods where McNair and the others had forced me to say good-bye to James because they wouldn’t let him come with us.

“I think it’s time you boys let Tess get some rest,” said Sharon, who stood in the doorway.

I sighed. “I think I’ve gotten enough rest. Apparently, I’ve been resting all week.”

“I would hardly call what you’ve been through resting,” she replied, moving into the room.

I didn’t want Henry or Lockwood to leave, because I didn’t want to close my eyes. I couldn’t bear going back to that dream world, only to wake and find that none of it was real.

“She’s right. Let’s go, Lock,” Henry said, pulling his hand from mine as he stood up.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Lock? We’re using nicknames now?”

“What can we say? Something about watching a friend almost die can bring people together,” Lockwood said with a lazy shrug.

“Where’s Robert?” I asked, hoping he was waiting outside of the room. I could use another distraction.

“Busy. He’ll stop by when he can,” Henry replied quickly. Too quickly.

My smile disappeared.

Lockwood wouldn’t meet my gaze, and I knew something was wrong. There was only one other instance when Lockwood couldn’t look at me and that was when he was hiding something. It reminded me of the time I had asked him about Sharon’s role in the community, and he had shut right up.

“Is everything all right?”

“Of course it is,” Henry replied casually. “Now that you’re better, everything is perfect.”

“Lockwood?” I asked.

He nodded but said nothing.

“All right, you two can see her in the morning,” Sharon said, ushering the boys out of the room.

…

Someone was in my room. Despite the pitch-blackness, I could just sense it. I froze, hoping that if I could slow my breathing, I might be able to locate the intruder.

A light flared up near the door, illuminating Henry’s face. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Did I scare you?” he asked.

“No, I’m used to boys sneaking up on me while I sleep,” I said.

Henry laughed and walked over to me. “Sorry, I just had to make sure you were still breathing.”

“Well, I can’t exactly be mad at you for that. Can I?”

“You’ve been mad at me for less.”

“And yet here you are?” I said with a grin.

“Here I am,” he replied quietly. “Is it all right that I’m here?”

I hesitated before answering, then cleared my throat. “I want you here. It’s just that I’m not entirely sure I won’t hurt you. I’m not whole yet, Henry.”

I braced myself for his departure, but instead he shrugged, a lazy, sheepish smile on his lips. “I don’t think I’m entirely whole yet, either. The council broke us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be fixed. I truly believe we can fix each other.”

“Can we?” I asked, noting how hopeful my voice sounded.

“Yes. I know we can. I know I’m an ass almost every moment of every day, but I can be different. I want to be different. There are moments that I’m with you and everything just stops. I mean it. The whole world and every terrible thing in it just disappears. And I look at you, and I think, this is why we were put here. To feel this.”

Henry’s cheeks were bright red, and he nervously scratched the back of his head. A weighty silence separated us, and I couldn’t stand it for a second longer. I scooted over to the far side of the cot and pulled down the blanket. Henry didn’t need to be told twice. He lay down next to me. Without wasting a moment, he pulled me into his arms. I didn’t fight it.

“I saw them all,” I said to him through the darkness.

“Who?”

“Emma, my father, mother, Louisa…James.”

Henry’s arms tightened around me.

“Should I not talk about it?” I asked.

“You can talk about anything to me.”

I didn’t fight the tears then. “God, I miss them. And just for a moment, no matter how messed up it all was, I was glad they were back. Even her. I thought I saw my
mother
, Henry. And when I did, I didn’t care about what she put us through. I was so desperate to get to her.”

Henry reached up and wiped away my tears with his thumb. “I understand.”

I nodded, the tears still falling. “I know you do. And I know you think I’m crazy, but the moment I’m feeling better, I need to go back for Louisa. I have to save her. God, if anyone understands, it’s you. Sometimes, it just feels so unfair, and I get so angry. I know I haven’t been myself—”

“That’s just it. When you were sick, I started to understand. You came here and for the first time, you felt like you could be you. I get that. I was just afraid that you wouldn’t—”

“I’ll always need you,” I interrupted.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” I took a shaky breath.

“Damn it, Tess, I want to kiss you. Is that bad?” he asked.

Was it? I remembered my dream about Henry and James. I knew that none of it was real, but it still came to me as I felt him lean closer. I found myself shaking my head.

“I’m sorry,” Henry said, pulling away.

I reached forward and grabbed him by the shirt. He stopped moving. “Will you just let me answer the question?” I took a deep breath. “When I say I’m going to save Louisa, I know there is a possibility I won’t make it back. But I have to try. I can’t keep losing everyone I love. So it’s worth the risk. Before, when we kissed, I thought maybe it was bad to have feelings for you. I was confused…I still am. But it’s not wrong to live life. Because if it is, then what’s the point of all this?”

And then there were the words I didn’t tell him. I had almost died from what Sharon had later told me was influenza, a disease most didn’t die from out here in the woods. But being a compound child, my body’s immune system wasn’t as strong.

Death was a real thing, and we had danced together one too many times.

Henry’s mouth crushed down against mine suddenly. I reached my arms forward and wrapped them around his neck, pulling his body to me. He shifted us so I was on my back, then reached down and hiked one of my legs around his waist. I opened my mouth and his tongue met mine.

There was nothing gentle about the way he kissed me. It was urgent and possessive. And I felt right then how easy it would be to lose myself in it.

Henry abruptly pulled away. His face was flushed and his breath ragged. “Tess,” he panted. “I think I need to tell you something.”

I nodded for him to continue, struggling to catch my own breath. I reached up and ran a hand through his hair. Henry stared down at me, shadows from the candles dancing across his face. He wasn’t a chosen one, but he was beautiful, too.

He placed a hand against my cheek. “God damn me,” he muttered before bringing his lips back down on mine.

We must have kissed for hours. He never pushed for it to go further than that, even though I was pretty sure it wouldn’t have been a new experience for him. As we curled up with each other to go to sleep, I pressed his hand against my swollen lips.

For the first time in a long while, I looked forward to what morning brought me.

Chapter 19

“You’re nervous?” Henry asked me, an amused grin plastered on his face.

I brought my hands to my hips and raised an eyebrow. “Why should I be?” I desperately wished that my voice hadn’t hitched at the end of my sentence.

Henry laughed and leaned against the wall, watching me as I moved around the room. He was right, of course. I must have made and remade the bed about ten times before he commented on it. I tucked the sheet in once more before turning around to face him. He stared at me like it was his new favorite hobby. I turned away quickly, trying to smooth down my hair and unwrinkle my dress as much as I could. It was all in vain. I should have known after living so long in the community that cleanliness would never be an option.

“Everything looks fine,” Henry said, coming over to me and taking my hand in his.

“I just don’t want to leave this place a mess,” I replied, pulling my hand from his.

“It’s a converted medical room located in a rodent-infested dining hall. I doubt anyone cares if you know how to properly make a bed.”

“I care,” I said, tugging the sheet out again to remake the bed.

Henry grabbed my hand. “Will you just stop? Why don’t you want to go back out there? And don’t think I’m letting this hand go until you tell me,” he said, bringing my hand to his lips.

I sighed. “It’s just…why hasn’t Robert been here to see me?” I asked, changing the subject.

Henry sat down on the cot, pulling me with him. He scooted back so he was leaning against the wall, and I followed his lead. “He’s been really busy. He stopped by when you were sick, but once he knew you were better, he had to get back to work. Don’t worry, he’s updated on your condition all the time.”

“I wasn’t worried. If there’s one person who can take care of himself, it’s Robert. I just thought that maybe he would want to see me. I know I wasn’t the nicest person to him back in the woods, but I thought we’d made progress.”

“You did. And he does care about you. I’m sure we’ll see him later tonight,” Henry said, bringing my hand back to his mouth. He kissed the inside of my wrist.

I shivered. “Good. I’m glad he’ll be there. Next time I see him, we’re going to have a serious talk about this mystery job of his. I never see him anymore. He is family, and family should spend time together.”

Henry shook his head and grinned. “That’s it, isn’t it? You’re worried about us. You think we need a chaperone.”

I felt my face heat up. “Don’t we?” I asked softly.

“No. We don’t,” he said, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Time to return to the world,” he added, jumping up from the bed and pulling me with him.

I yanked on his arm to stop him from dragging me from the room. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“Now’s the perfect time. We can get you back into the room and won’t have to worry about anyone staring at you or asking ridiculous questions.”

She’s not what they expected. She’s not like Sharon.

I’m not sure why the words came to my mind at that moment, but they did. I wasn’t even sure they were real, or if they were just a part of another fever-induced delusion. Most people seemed to have respect and even admiration for Sharon. Was that because of who she was, or was it because of the many ways she helped the community?

“Can we just stay here a little while longer?” I asked, biting my bottom lip.

Henry let out a playful growl and picked me up, spinning me around. Once he sat my feet back on the ground, his lips met mine. Always hungry. Always so intense. He pulled away and laughed joyfully. “You’re a hard girl to say no to, always have been. But now’s the time. We can lock ourselves in the room. Work has been suspended for the rest of the week.”

I pulled away slightly so I could look up at him. “Suspended? What for?”

“I don’t know. Some sort of big meeting of the leaders,” Henry said, but he wasn’t looking at me. “I think everyone gets together and debates how long they can actually go without bathing before it becomes inhumane.”

“And we weren’t invited?” I asked.

“Somehow, I don’t think they want to know what two council brats have to say on hygiene. So, let’s go and we can finish that book or something…”

“Or something?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Or something,” Henry said with a wink.

I nodded. “Good, I’ve been dying to have some free time to mend a few shirts.”

“Exactly. Mending.” With a devilish grin, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

I was glad that Henry had been right. The streets were entirely empty, which was a good thing because I was sure even the freethinking members of the community would have found Henry carrying me while I laughed hysterically to be a bit much.

I was surprised to find our room nice and neat. I’d imagined that with just Robert and Henry sharing the room, I would have come home to a serious mess. But there were even fresh flowers on the dresser.

“Where did you manage to find those?” I asked.

“While walking home,” Henry said.

“And none of the other boys made fun of you as you stopped to pick flowers?” I said, unable to stop from chuckling.

“I don’t give a damn what they think,” he said. “Also, I managed to get us enough food to last us the next three days. It’s not exactly a feast, but—”

“What?” I asked in shock. No one was ever allowed to take anything out of the dining hall.

“I’m pretty good at being sneaky when I want to be,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“And why would we want to stay in here for days?” I asked, tearing off a piece of the bread Henry had handed me.

“I’ll be a perfect gentleman if that’s what you’re worried about,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“No you won’t,” I scoffed. “But that’s not what I meant. Why do you want to hide from them so much?”

“Because I just got you back, and I’m not willing to share you yet. Besides, the more food I save, the sooner we can go after Louisa. Is that so devious?” he asked.

I could have loved him forever in that moment.

I set my piece of bread down on the bed and placed my hand against his cheek. “No, it’s not devious at all.”

Henry leaned closer. “I’m going to kiss you now.” He reached forward and pulled my hair to the side, slowly walking behind me. He kissed me lightly on the back of my neck, his lips grazing my two slash marks.

I bit down on my bottom lip.

“I’m going to kiss you again,” Henry said.

I nodded. His lips were inches from meeting mine when a knock on the door interrupted us. “I thought you said everyone was in some big meeting,” I whispered.

“They’re supposed to be,” he said, suddenly serious. “Let’s just ignore it, and whoever it is will go away.”

The knock turned into pounding. I sighed and pulled away from Henry. “I don’t think he or she’s going away.”

Before I could make it to the door, it slammed open. Lockwood stood before us, out of breath, his face red. “What’s wrong?” I asked. Considering Lockwood’s easy-going nature, something terrible must have happened.

“Don’t,” Henry growled.

“I have to. It isn’t right,” Lockwood said sternly.

“We talked about this. We made a deal,” he countered, putting himself between Lockwood and me.

There was something I didn’t know, and clearly it involved me. I walked over to the two boys who stood there staring at each other, fuming. “Mind telling me what exactly is going on here?”

“Please,” Henry begged. Gone was the anger. Henry was pleading with Lockwood as if his very life depended on it.

“I’m sorry, man. I agreed with you that she didn’t have to know, that things would be better for all of us if she didn’t, but that was when I thought they would just let him go. The leaders decided, Henry. They’re going to kill him.”

“Kill who?” I asked.

Henry shook his head. Defeated, he walked away. Lockwood took a deep breath. “James. They’re going to kill James.”