Nate (A Texas Jacks Novel) (34 page)

I haven’t spoken too much to Charlie in the last week or so. It’s a jerk move, I know, but I need space to dig deep into what we were truly doing. Or more like, what
I
was doing. I was breaking all of my self-imposed rules for one tempting, chocolate-brown haired, blue-eyed, beauty. We had an instant connection, and I let my heart run away with this little woman. It’s not what I would normally do, but I couldn’t resist the pull toward her.

The guys are at their own breaking point when it comes to this situation. They’re trying to stay out of it, but I can see it in their faces. They really want to lay into me good, or get me in a boxing ring and pound it out of my head. That might be a real possibility at the moment, as I’m definitely going out of my mind.

I know I’m not broken. I’m just reserved in taking the plunge with a relationship. Though—I came really close to it with Charlie. That’s preciously the reason I’ve been keeping a distance from her after the night she came to my drunken aid.
Am I ready to settle down?
I don’t see why I couldn’t be—as long as it came with a set of certain expectations. Can I go through the motions of growing old, and losing my love?
No
. Can I stand by and watch when she’s in pain while she’s sick, or having our child?
Absolutely not
.

After all we went through in losing the glue that held the family together, and seeing how it tore my father apart, it makes me reluctant to put myself completely out there for her. But then again, I honestly don’t know if I could handle losing the woman I hold so close to my heart. I also could never dream of putting my children through that torture, either.

I know that I’m probably way too young to think along these lines, but you never know when fate wants to deal you a nasty hand. One minute, it’s beautiful and all is well, but then in a moment, it all becomes darkness, and your life blurs from one day to the next, just going through the motions.

There is a part, deep down in my soul that wants to say yes, I can handle life lessons like that. But then, there’s a bigger, louder part of me that can’t dwell on the
what ifs
, so I try not to go down that road. At the moment, though—I just feel so lost and torn up over Charlie. I want to stop being a jerk to her,
and
my friends. The question is—
can I do it, without giving in to the feelings that haunt me?

Every time I see Charlie, she gets to me, working my insides over until I’m turned into knots. I know I’m on a collision course now, one where putting on the brakes at this point will completely wreck me.

I know I need to let go of the pain from losing my mother and finally let the grieving process run its course through my heart. The guys are right; Charlie can see me through this, if I choose to let her. But if I can’t even deal with it, going on eight years now, then why would I want to put her through the motions with me? She deserves to be happy with a man who can give her everything she wants when it comes to a future life and family. Heaven knows I want to be that man. I just can’t make myself do it, and I would do anything for Charlie.
Anything.
This is the one and only challenge blocking me.
So why hold her back?

The images of her at her parents’ house are seared into my mind. The love, laughter, and the closeness this tightknit family has hurts my heart in a bittersweet way. I want what she has. I used to have what she has. I took that for granted, and now it no longer exists. My father works like a well-oiled machine, leaving no time for my sister and I. We rarely talk anymore. We certainly never have a family night for food, togetherness, and laughter over silly games. He managed to lose himself in his work, once he lost the star that brightened his world. I know he will never recover from my mother’s loss, and I certainly can’t blame him for that.

As for Carianna, she didn’t make good life choices for a while. I had to bail her out of many troubling issues, and show up for court-appointed hearings as my father’s replacement. She lost her way, without a female role model to show her the ropes. I was her mother and father figure, and at the same time, trying to be her big brother, watching her back. Thankfully, she’s better now, and she has Brett, her boyfriend, to fall back on.

We each seem to have our own mechanisms for coping with the loss of our loved one. Carianna got into trouble, my dad gave up and became more or less robotic, and then there’s me—afraid of having a deeper relationship with anyone, but especially with the one who can crush me the most.
Charlie
.

I’m stretched out on the couch, playing these thoughts over in my head, remembering how much Charlie scared me the night she had car trouble, when my phone dings with a text. I snatch it up off my chest to find a message from Charlie, checking in for the day. I send her a reply, keeping it short, but semi-sweet.

My mind takes me back to the night Charlie saw me at my worst. Worst for now, at least, though nothing compares to the night I lost my mom. It took some time, but the longer I sit here, the memories slowly trickle in of the events that played out that evening in my room. It’s the reason I’ve suddenly distance myself from Charlie. Thinking about everything that my loose tongue told her just drives me mad. I’m mad that I unloaded my burdens on her. I’m equally just as mad that she hasn’t tried to talk to me about them, either. She now has knowledge of what happened, and not once has she even made an attempt to bring it up. It’s not like I really want to dive into this topic, again.
But,
what gives
? Why isn’t she trying to save me for my own good, like everyone else? It’s not what I want from her, but how do you not say anything? Especially when it’s something as big as this?

I can’t fathom it. She’s my heart, my world, and I wanted that comfort from her. I’m hurt that she hasn’t tried, in her own way, to break the barriers I set up. Instead, she just sat back and allowed the space to separate us. She was somehow able to let me be the kind of man I never thought I would be able to be again with a woman—which only shows how upset I am now that she hasn’t tried to save me from myself. But most of all, I’m mad at myself for ruining what we had. I should have taken better care of it, and not gotten so stupid that night. I usually keep my faculties about me the week of that anniversary, though I’m not so easy to be around. But I
never
get obliterated like that. This year, I blew it with not only Charlie, but with myself and my closest friends. They lost her, too, and I became selfish, not bothering to accommodate for their pain, as well.

At this point, my friends aren’t thrilled with me, or how I’m handling things. And then there’s Charlie.
What to do about this sweet, young lady? Can I truly find that happy balance we once had?
I know I haven’t lost her.
Yet
. It’s just a matter of time before I truly push her away for good. Now, I just have to decide if that’s really what I want. My heart and gut scream at me, telling me
no
. It’s my head that says it’s the right move. It’s hard to keep up in this fight of what’s right for her and what I selfishly want and how I want it.

I guess time will only tell which side will fall in the battle.

A few more weeks pass when I decide that I really need to find solace. And there’s only one place for that to happen, so I take my bike out to the track. Thankfully, everyone else is too busy to pay me much attention, though I can see Shelley conspiring with Lisa over by the old snack shack. If she knows what’s good for her, she will stay clear of my warpath. I have no patience for her or her antics today.

I’m relieved that I don’t see Charlie’s friends here this afternoon. They’re not high on the list of people I want to run in to at the moment. I can only imagine what they think, as I’m sure between Charlie and the guys, they’ve been fully briefed on my idiocy.

I’m about to push my bike out to the dirt course when I feel a hand on my arm. I look to its owner, only to find Shelley, who happens to be accompanied by Lisa. I look down at Shelley’s hand then back up into her eyes with what I know is not a friendly look.

“I’m not in the mood for your games today, Shelley. Find a new bag of tricks, then try them out on someone else, for once.” I brush her hand off my arm and start walking again.

“Well,” she coldly states, “there’s no reason for you to be nasty about it.” She sniffs, while wiping her hand on her pant leg.

“If you’re here to say something stupid about Charlie, or try to throw yourself at me, then you can move along. This fish isn’t biting.”

“I only came over to see why you were in a foul mood.”

“And what do you know about that?” I eye her suspiciously.

“It’s easy to tell. You’re walking around with a scowl on your face, acting broody, and won’t talk to anyone.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve been watching.”

“I bet you have. I’m sure you were wishing Charlie would stop by so you can kick up more havoc in my life, right?”

“What’s gotten into you? What happened to the one guy everyone thought was a gentleman?”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but even nice guys have terrible days.”

“I did notice that your girlfriend hasn’t been around much.” She’s pushing for more information, but I’m not willing to give her any new ammunition.

“Don’t worry, we didn’t break up,” I deadpan.

“Who says I was worried?”

“Are we done now? Or did you want something else out of me? More dirt on Charlie, or something else altogether?”

“Geez, Nate! I just wanted to see why you were upset. Honestly. I guess that was too much to ask for—one guy to be nice to loser Shelley.” She turns on her heel and starts to walk away.

“Shelley,” I call. “For the record, if you lost the attitude, dressed with more rather than less, and if you weren’t so catty or all over all of the men, you would probably be able to find a decent guy.” I turn back to the track.

I shrug Shelley off and spend the rest of the day riding, finding peace within myself. It’s an exhilarating feeling—being on my dirt bike and back at the track. I’m regaining my balance here. Now, if I can just find a way to do that with Charlie, my life would be in such a better place.