Napalm and Silly Putty (9 page)

He can’t help it—he just doesn’t know what time it is.

Home Alone

It’s especially bad when you go out and leave him alone. He thinks you’re never coming back. Never. That must be what he thinks, or else why would he act the way he does when you finally get home? All hyper and excited and revved up like he just ate a pound and a half of methamphetamine:

“Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy!! IthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome! I was so scared. I was so lonely. Scared and lonely. I didn’t know what to do. I was all alone. I thought I would never eat again. I don’t know how to prepare food. I’m a dog. I can’t cook. I can’t do anything. I don’t even know how to operate a can opener. How do ya do that? What do you do, push down the little handle? Couldn’t figure it out. Gimme some food. Gimme a kiss. Shake hands. Here’s my paw. You want me to roll over? I’ll do it. Just don’t leave me! Don’t go! Don’t go! I swear, I’ll never pee in the house again! I’ll never pee anywhere again! Just don’t leave me alone!”

And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. They go into this speed-freak mode even if all you did was forget your hat and come back a few seconds later.

“Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy! Ithoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome! Et cetera, et cetera. Is that how ya say that? Et cetera? Anyway, I got hungry. Again. The minute you left. I was gonna eat the cat. I couldn’t find him. Where the fuck’s the cat? What did ya do, hide the cat?”

“Lester, will you stop it? Calm down! I was just here a few seconds ago!”

They really miss you. And they have no idea what time it is.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-29” ??SOME LIKE IT HOT ?

Think for a moment about flamethrowers. The fact that we have them at all. Well, actually we don’t have them, the army has them. You know, I hadn’t thought of that; the army has all the flamethrowers. I’d say we’re jolly well fucked if we have to go up against the army, wouldn’t you?

My point is that there are even such things as flamethrowers in the first place. What it indicates to me is that at some point, some person, Phil perhaps, said to himself, “Look at all those people across the road. What I wouldn’t give to set them on fire. But I’m much too far away. If only I had some device that would shoot flames on them.”

Well, the whole thing might’ve ended right there, but Phil happened to mention it to his friend, Dwyane, one of those people who’s good with tools. About a month later, Dwayne was back.

“Phil, that idea of yours? Quite a concept. Watch!”

WHOOOOOOSH! WHOOOOOOMPH! CRACKLE! BURN!

Before long, the army came around. “Hi boys. We want to buy 500,000 of those flamethrowers. We have a long list of people we’d like to set on fire. Give us 500,000 and have them camouflaged. We don’t want anyone seeing them until they’re fully consumed by flames.”

Phil and Dwayne made lots of money and died in a fireworks accident on the 4th of July.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-30” ??MAYBE THEY’LL ADOPT ?

Concerning news coverage at the National Zoo: Do you care if the pandas fuck? I don’t. Why don’t they stop telling us the pandas didn’t fuck again this year? I’m not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda-fucking. If they want to they will, if not, they’ll watch The Price Is Right.

Probably the only reason the pandas aren’t fucking on schedule is because some environmental jackoff has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some loser in a green T-shirt was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? Leave these creatures alone. And please God, save the planet from environmentalists.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-31” ??THE MISCELLANEOUS AILMENTS FOUNDATION ?

Not every human ailment has a telethon to help raise money. This space is donated to the Miscellaneous Ailments Foundation. If you or a loved one suffer from any of the following conditions, open your heart, dig deep, and give what you can. And please, no small donations. Try to give more than you can afford.

ITCH • TWITCH • WELTS • WARTS • PIMPLES • NITS • SCABS • SCARS • SORES • BOILS • RASH • GASH • HIVES • CYSTS • CRAMPS • POLYPS • BLISTERS • BLOTCHES • BUNIONS • BEDSORES • ROPE BURNS • PAPER CUTS • COCKEYE • BLACKHEADS • WHITEHEADS • GAG EASILY • SWOLLEN GLANDS • EYESTRAIN • NAUSEA • PILES • GAS • CRABS • PEG LEG • ABSCESSED TOOTH • PENICILLIN REACTION • PALENESS • NICKS & CUTS • BRITTLE NAILS • WOOZINESS • HOMESICKNESS • FALL DOWN A LOT • SICK & TIRED • JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD • CHILLS & FEVER • FEVER & CHILLS • CHILLS WITHOUT FEVER • FEVER WITHOUT CHILLS • SMALL POX • MEDIUM POX • LARGE POX • X-LARGE POX • CHICKEN POX • TUNA POX • ROAST BEEF POX • WHOOPING COUGH • WHOOPING SNEEZE • WHOOPING GIGGLE • WHEEZING • SNEEZING • FREEZING • MUMPS • BUMPS • LUMPS • BAD EYES • BAD FEET • BAD BLOOD • BAD BREATH • BAD BACK • BAD ATTITUDE • POOR POSTURE • COWARDICE • TRENCH MOUTH • PUFFY SKIN • COMPLETE PARALYSIS • ENLARGED PORES • OUT OF BREATH • ARM HURTS • BAD JUDGMENT • DUMB LOOK • OUT OF SORTS • BRUISE EASILY • WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU • SEEIN’ THINGS • THE BLAHS • THE HOTS • THE RUNS • THE CREEPS • THE WILLIES • THE SHITS • THE VAPORS • THE BENDS • THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES • SHOCK • TREMOR • RELAPSE • BOTULISM • LEPROSY • GANGOSA • CANCER OF THE FIST • JUNGLE ROT • THE CREEPIN’ CRUD • THE 48-YEAR CREEPIN’ JESUS • MANGE • GRUNGE • SORE TITS • JET LAG • ROOT CANAL • FACIAL TICS • POOR BALANCE • LOCKJAW • CHARLEY HORSE • EUPHORIA • PRICKLY HEAT • PEELING • MISCARRIAGE • CROW’S FEET • CROW’S LEGS • SLOPPY DICTION • OVERBITE • UNDERBITE • SIDE EFFECTS • DOUBLE LIMP • SCABBY KNEE • TONE DEAFNESS • LOUD HEART • POSTNASAL DRIP • PRENASAL DRIP • JAMMED THUMB • COMA • KNOCK KNEES • STRETCH MARKS • FAT LIP • BLACK EYE • BUM LEG • OVERSIZE BIRTHMARK • STRAWBERRY • SPRING FEVER • FORGETFULNESS • SQUINTING • SURGICAL BLUNDER • FACIAL HAIR • PLAGUE • ADHESIONS • SUNSTROKE • BAD GENES • SCRAWNINESS • CROSSED NOSTRILS • CALLUSES • PREMATURE EJACULATION • STARVATION • SEEING STARS • NERVOUS BREAKDOWN • CORNS • ORGAN REJECTION • SWELLING • BLOODY NOSE • CATATONIA • BAGS UNDER THE EYES • FRECKLE LOSS • NO URINE • BIG EARS • BAD COLD • FREDDIE’S DISEASE • NO TORSO • SUICIDE • HEN TOOTH • NATURAL CAUSES • CHRONIC PUSSY FARTS • ONDINE’S CURSE • PULLED GROIN MUSCLE • CHAFING • COLD SORES • SPLIT LIP • ACHES & PAINS • TRICK KNEE • TRICK NOSE • TRICK DICK • SLEEPING SICKNESS • LOBOTOMY • NIGHTMARES • PIGEON TOES • DOUBLE CHIN • SHYNESS • WINDBURN • CHRONIC LETHARGY • HOT FLASHES • DOUBLE VISION • CANCER OF THE JOWLS • CLUBFOOT • EXCESS EAR WAX • SUFFOCATION • REALLY GROSS SKIN • FALLING NOSE HAIRS • INFECTED TATTOOS • GUNSHOT WOUNDS • ELASTIC POISONING • UNPROVOKED WEEPING • DISLOCATED CROTCH • COMPLETE HAIRLESSNESS • NINE MILE FEVER • MIGRATING BEAUTY MARK • UNDESCENDED TESTICLE • CHICKEN BREASTEDNESS • BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION • GHOST LIMBS • INDUSTRIAL DEAFNESS • HAMMERTOE • DOUBLE RECTUM • FALLEN WOMB • INVERTED NIPPLES • OUT-OF-CONTROL MOLES • TRANSIENT SLURRED SPEECH • WATER ON THE PROFILE • SALINE DEPLETION • GENDER AGONY • NEGATIVE BUOYANCY • CURVATURE OF THE MIND • INFECTED DIMPLE • BURNED AT THE STAKE • BUBONIC PLAGUE • BLACK DEATH • MORNING SICKNESS • SUBDURAL HEMATOMA • GRAND MAL SEIZURE • SPASTIC BLADDER • BRAIN TUMOR • NIPPLE SEEP • DRY TEETH • SIX-FOOT NOSE HAIRS • PASSED BALLS • MIDNASAL DRIP • CHAPPED ASS • SPEAR WOUNDS • TONSILLITIS • CLAP • CRUCIFIXION • TOTAL BODY DIMPLING • FEAR OF CLOTHING • SINGLE NOSTRIL • HORSE SERUM SENSITIVITY • COKE BOTTLE IN THE ASS • HEN WORKERS LUNG • SEXTUPLE AMPUTEEISM • HEREDITY FRUCTOSE INTOLERANCE • MORTON’S FOOT • HUTCHINSON’S FRECKLE • ORIENTAL NIGHTMARE DEATH SYNDROME • RUM FITS • LIDOCAINE POISONING • IRREGULAR GAIT • GENITAL MEASLES • SPRAINED MIND • ICHTHYOSIS • LACK OF HUSTLE • HYPERDYDROSIS • FROTHING AT THE CROTCH • ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE • WET BRAIN • PRESENILITY DEMENTIA • LAETRILE OVERDOSE • MUNCHAUSEN’S SYNDROME • PAVEMENT BURN • NASAL HERPES • CLUSTER HEADACHES • HUNCHBACK • VAGINAL CLOSURE • CANCER OF THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE • CIRCUMCISION BLUNDER • SEVERE UNREMITTING PAIN • COMPLETE NERVOUS COLLAPSE • SIXTY-YEAR COMA • RIGOR MORTIS • DECAPITATION • SWIMMER’S ITCH • BEEF TAPEWORM • SHORT-LIMBED DWARFISM • TICK-BORNE RICKETS • KOPLIK’S SPOTS • IMPETIGO • GAS GANGRENE • TRANSVERSE MYELITIS • MALNUTRITION • IRRITABILITY • NONPRODUCTIVE COUGH • SIMPLE MALAISE • EPIDEMIC KERATOCONJUNCTIVITIS • FURIOUS RABIES • BLACK VOMIT • DANDY FEVER • EUROPEAN TYPHUS • BRILL-ZINSSER DISEASE • CAT SCRATCH DISEASE • STITCH ABSCESSES • STRAWBERRY TONGUE • PASTIA’S LINES • AFRICAN SLEEPING SICKNESS • WOOLSORTER’S DISEASE • CAULIFLOWER EAR • ZUCCHINI NOSE • PARACOCCIDIO IDOMYCOSIS • DESERT RHEUMATISM • LUMPY JAW • MADURA FOOT • HOOKWORM • ORIENTAL SORE • ALEPPO BOIL • FOREST YAWS • SWIMMING POOL GRANULOMA • CARDIAC DEATH • WHIPWORM INFECTION • GEOPHAGIA • RIVER BLINDNESS • TOTAL COLLAPSE • JEWELRY RASH • TERMINAL BROWSING • MAIDENLY HYSTERICS • MARROW FAILURE • PICA • RIBOFLAVIN DEFICIENCY • MEDITERRANEAN ANEMIA • AIR EMBOLISM • VASCULAR FRAGILITY • DRUG-INDUCED PLATELET DEFECTS • FELTY’S SYNDROME • BOWEL INFARCTION • TETRALOGY OF FALLOT • BUNDLE BRANCH BLOCK • SUDDEN MEGACOLON • RAYNAUD’S PHENOMENON • YOUNG ORIENTAL FEMALE DISEASE • INTESTINAL APOPLEXY • OCCLUSION AT THE BIFURCATION • MILK LEG • HOMAN’S SIGN • CONSTANT SCREAMING • TOTAL BODY HEMORRHAGING • MISSING LUNGS • EXTRA STOMACH • LARVAE IN THE STOOL • BEBOP LEGS • FOREHEAD TRANSPLANT • TUMOR ON THE BUNS • HUGE SPLEEN • CHRONIC FALLING • CYSTS ON THE WRISTS • SUDDEN TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS •

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-32” ??GOT ANY MORE LEAVES IN THAT STALL? ?

Recently I came across a statistic published by the Population Reference Bureau in Washington. It stated that as of 1995 the number of people who had lived on earth was 105,472,380,169. The figure was based on the assumption that “the first two people” had emerged in 50,000 B.C. So I did a little arithmetic of my own, and I’ve concluded that as of 1995 there had been over 987 trillion bowel movements. I was very conservative: I assumed a mere thirty-year life span and only six bowel movements per week. Still, it means that at this point there have been almost 1 quadrillion human bowel movements and most of them occurred before people had anything to read. These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me from moving quickly up the corporate ladder.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-33” ??DEATH ROW ?

The story is that if you’re condemned to death they have to give you one last meal of your choice. What is that all about? A group of people plans to kill you, so they want you to eat something you like? Is it a joke? Do they think the food part will take your mind off the dying part? Or do they just prefer to kill you when you’re coming off a peak experience and full of positive energy?

I’m not sure what kind of sick game is going on, but what the hell, you might as well play along. Have a little fun; order a Happy Meal. Tell ’em you want to go to Hooter’s and eat on the patio.

Inform them you’ve converted to a religion that embraces cannibalism, and you’d like to eat a baby. With a small salad. I just think there’s great potential here for fun and mischief. In fact, I’m thinking that if you worked it just right you might even squeeze a little extra time out of them. Time to file a couple of hundred more frivolous appeals.

Because, as I understand it, they have to give you any meal you ask for. Not including elephant, of course. You can’t expect them to start on a whole new elephant for just one meal. But short of that, they have to give you pretty much what you want. It’s part of the humanity involved: “Let’s kill this fuck, but let’s be civil.”

So I say have a little fun; buy some time. When they ask what you want, tell them you can’t decide. That’s all there is to it. You can’t decide.

“Gee, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want steak or lobster. I mean, I really love them both. I haven’t had lobster in quite a while, but on the other hand, I really love chicken. It’s my good luck food. And they’re both rich in protein. I just can’t figure it out.”

What can they do? Can they kill you under those circumstances? Can they go ahead and kill you if you honestly don’t know what you want for dinner? Tell them you’re willing to take a lie detector test and truth serum, but you honestly can’t decide. Can they kill you? Can they drag you down the last mile screaming, “Surf? Turf? I’m on the horns of a dilemma!” I think they’d have to give you a little more time.

Imagine if you kept it up for six months. Think of the headlines.

CONDEMNED MAN STILL ALIVE,?CAN’T DECIDE.?LEANS TOWARD LOBSTER.

Three years go by. Five. Seven. And then, finally, one morning you wake up, and it’s clear as a bell:

“All right, I’ve decided. And I don’t know why I didn’t think of this long ago. I’m going to have the lamb chops.”

“All right, lamb chops it is. And how did you want them cooked?”

“Geez, I hadn’t thought of that. Lemme see. How do I want them cooked? Listen, guys, can I get back to you?”

HUNGRY MAN EXECUTED.?DRAGGED DOWN LAST MILE?SCREAMING “MEDIUM!”

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-34” ??CURRENT EVENTS ?

Here’s a great idea. I think Texas should save up 500 condemned people and execute them all at once, in electric chairs. Five hundred electric chairs in a big gymnasium. Wouldn’t that be fun? I realize Texas prefers lethal injection, but maybe they could make an exception just this once. Or how about executing people five at a time on electric couches. That would be interesting. Put a coffee table in front of them with magazines and some chips and dip. It would be fun. Here’s another good idea. If a married couple kills their kid, they should be executed in an electric love seat. Force them to hug as you pull the switch.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-35” ??THE UNKINDEST CUT ?