Nancy’s Theory of Style (31 page)

She hoped Derek was in the mood. He was.
She felt so completely uninhibited with him she did things to him that she’d
never even thought of doing to Todd. She wasn’t coloring within the lines
anymore and when Derek was slick with sweat and gasping,
Nancy
laughed and said, “You’ve gotten one
hundred percent on the oral portion of our test. Now we’ll move on to in-depth
section of the exam.”

Milagro arrived just before five, a
large canvas bag slung over her shoulder, looking very sexy in that ethnic way
of hers in a magenta cotton dress and lots of silver bangles, her glossy black
hair falling in loose curls over her shoulders.

“Milagro, this is my assistant, Derek. Derek,
Milagro and I were college roommates.”

“Hey, Derek,” Milagro said, her voice
automatically going all low and flirty. “Are you keeping
Nancy
from following her silliest whims?”

“I find Mrs. Carrington-Chambers’ whims
to be inspired,” he said, a smile edging his lips upward.

“In other words, you’re aiding and
abetting her. Excellent. Do you know that she wants to establish a federal
agency that could fine people for fashion crimes?”

Derek glanced at
Nancy
and said, “What a remarkable notion. It
would not only generate revenue, but discourage the American tendency toward
sloth as well.”

Nancy
said, “It’s all because of Casual Fridays.
They’ve spread like a plague upon the populace. What is wrong with adults
dressing like adults? There is no reason for anyone over the age of five to
wear any item with an elastic waist.”

“You’re so strict about these things,”
Milagro said. “Did you tell Derek your idea that everyone should have his or
her own runway music?”

Eugenia was hopping from one foot to the
next and staring at red and yellow feathers peeking out of Milagro’s bag.

Milagro looked down at her and said,
“Who is this jumpy little peanut?”

“Mil, this is my cousin’s daughter,
Eugenia. Eugenia, this is my friend, Milagro. You can call her Miss Demeanor.”

“Hi, Eugenia. I have something for you.”

“What?”

“Say hello back,”
Nancy
said. “Honestly, I feel like the
etiquette police, and that’s another agency I’d be thrillified to establish.”

“Very nice meeting you,” Derek said to
Milagro. “Good night, ladies.”

Milagro put her bag down on the desk and
began rummaging through it. As soon as the women heard the front door close
behind Derek, Milagro said, “Oh, my god, he’s scorching hot.”

“So it’s not just me. I’ll tell you more
when the Lilliputian is elsewhere.”

“What do you have?” Eugenia asked,
pulling at Milagro’s skirt.

“I have a big box of crayons, coloring
books, and your…” She looked at
Nancy
expectantly.

Nancy
sighed and said, “Auntie Nanny.”

Milagro grinned wildly. “Your Auntie
Nanny told me you liked pirates so I got this for you.” She pulled a colorful
stuffed parrot made of felt from her bag. “If you pull the string it talks
pirate talk.”

Eugenia clapped her hands and reached
for the toy.

“Say thank you, Miss Demeanor.”

“Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.”

Eugenia sat on the floor playing with
her gifts, and
Nancy
said, “Come on. Let’s get dinner together.”

“I brought provisions. Cheeses, crackers,
sliced meats.”

They went to the kitchen and
Nancy
said, “I told you
I’d have food. Your hair looks fab. I’m glad you’re finally taking my advice
about hot rollers.”

“You were right about the hair rollers. You
didn’t tell me the kid was so cute.”

“Eugenia? She’s not as ghastly as the
majority of children. Her vocabulary is sadly limited, and you saw her cape. She
chose that pop-art pattern despite my passion fruit arguments against the pop
art movement.”

“Do you hate pop art, too?”

“Not in large pieces on vast white
walls, but the body is a much smaller canvas and print should be proportional.”
Nancy
took a
bottle of Bandol rosé out of the refrigerator and opened it, while Milagro took
packages out of her tote.

“Is that in your Theory of Style?”

“Not yet, but I’ll be sure to add it.”

Milagro arranged the food on a platter
and said, “You always make me think of The Spoils of Poynton.”

“Because I’m spoiled?”
Nancy
poured the wine into two of the etched
pink tumblers.

“It’s a novella by Henry James and there’s
a character who can’t sleep all night because she’s in a room with terrible
wallpaper.”

“She sounds like someone I’d like.”
Nancy
filled a pot with
water and took a box of macaroni and cheese from the cupboard. “Derek calls
this macaroni cheese, no and,” she said as she put the water on the stove to
boil and picked up a wineglass. “A tes amours.”

“Salud. Are you doing the horizontal
hokey-pokey with him?”

Nancy
choked on her wine, and Milagro said,
“I thought so. He’s eminently hokey-pokeyable.”

When
Nancy
finally stopped coughing she said,
“He’s gay.”

“Yeah, and I’m very frequently ecstatic,
too.”

“By which I mean he’s a homosexual.”

“My gaydar swung decidedly to the hetero
side of the gauge.”

“Your gaydar is proven to be unreliable,
since your very presence is like a magnet near a compass.”

“Oooh, who took Science for Nitwits?”

“We both did and I was the one who got
the A.”

“Then you understand the need for
empirical proof. How do you know he’s gay?” Milagro asked.

“I ran into him shopping for organic
vegetables with his hunky boyfriend one Sunday. They were going to a rockers
and rent boys tea-dance.”

Milagro sipped her wine. “That’s very
damning evidence. So why are you having sex with him?”
“I never said---”

“You have a hickey on your neck.”

Nancy
slapped her hand to her neck and
Milagro said, “Psych! I was just guessing because you look so happy and gay. And
he gave you a look before he left. A ‘Your hoo-ha is as exquisite as an exotic
orchid’ look. All Georgia O’Keefeish.”

“A lady doesn’t discuss her hoo-ha or
its appearance except with her discreet aesthetician. Okay, so what if I was
affectionate with him?”

“One girl’s affectionate is another
girl’s, ooh, baby, baby. Dish!”

“It just happened and he was like, it
was incredible,”
Nancy
said, flustered and excited. “It was the most amazing thing ever
 
It was to sex as truffles are to toadstools,
so superior that it is not recognizable as being in the same genus.”

“You were sleeping with Toad for all
those years. Ugh. I read a novel by Leon Edel and he described a character as
having hands like hams in his gloves and that’s what I always think of when I
think of Toad. I never understood how you could let him touch you.”

“And I never understood how you could
sex up every cute waiter who remembered to refill your water glass.”

“Consideration like that is appreciated
in the bedroom as well as in a nightclub bathroom, wherever one may be at the
time,” Milagro said. “Derek’s really gay? Not bisexual, confused, or
polymorphically amorous, which is the new skankoholic.”

“He’s really gay. I met his boyfriend
while they were shopping for suggestive vegetables, and my graphic designer
recognized Derek from seeing him with his boyfriend at the gym.”

“Hmmm.” Milagro popped an olive in her
mouth. “We should make a salad. Do you have greens?”

“There’s oak leaf lettuce in the fridge.
What was that hmmm for?”

Her friend considered before saying, “
Nancy
, Derek’s gorgeous,
agrees with your fashion edicts, and he’s clever. If he’s really gay, you
shouldn’t become attached. Because you can boink them on occasion, but you
can’t rewire them, no matter what anyone says.”

“I’m not attached. I’m just very, very
fond of him. I feel like I’m catching up on all those orgasms I didn’t have as
well as the ones I didn’t especially enjoy over the last several years.”

Milagro nodded. “It’s all contextual and
your context was Toad,” Milagro said. “But what if you fall for Derek,
Nancy-pants? Will your heart break when he realizes that no matter how
assiduously he tends the garden, a penis will not sprout from your nether
regions.”

“But I won’t fall for him, will I? He’s
gay and he’s staff and I understand the limitations perfectly. Besides I went
out with Bailey Whiteside, and we’re going out again next week.”

“Why,
Nancy
, why, why are you going out with
another self-important prick?”

“Bailey’s not a prick. He’s ambitious,
smart, and fun. While you’ve been partying hither and thither for years, I’ve
been stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Bailey’s a good escort, and Todd knows
we’re going out as friends.”

“That’s even weirder,” Milagro said. “And
what if someone finds out about you and Derek? Doesn’t your pre-nup have a
fidelity clause?”

“You’re assuming that A, I’m getting a
divorce, and B, someone would find out. I haven’t decided a thing, yet. Although
now that I know what sex can be like, I realize that Todd and I can improve
things,”
Nancy
said.

“My brain is now frying with the image
of naked Todd and a sex manual. Ewh and ewh. I’m scarred for life.”

“As to the second part of the problem,
Derek won’t tell. It would ruin his relationship with his boyfriend.”

“So basically I need to tell people
you’re having an affair, i.e. Lizette, that you’re not, and pretend you’re not
having the one you are?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. You’re a fascinating woman, Nancy
Edith.”

“Thank you and thanks for bringing the
presents for Eugenia.”

“No problem. How long do you get to keep
her, Auntie Nanny?”

“Don’t call me that. I have her until my
cousin decides to come home to shake down her parents.”

“If Birdie’s as bad as my mother
Regina
, you should keep
Eugenia. I’m dead serious. I would have loved if some wacky and glamorous aunt
had taken me from my mother
Regina
.”

“Your mother
Regina
is a sociopath. Birdie’s a free
spirit.”

“Why isn’t Sissy watching her?”

“Sissy has issues about Birdie. It’s
complicated.”

“How interesting to learn that there are
branches of your family have actual problems. Yours is like one of those
perfect TV families, pearls on your mom, your dad with a pipe in the study, and
everyone is always so nice and saying lovely, lovely all the time.”

“I’m very lucky,”
Nancy
said. “How would you like to do some
forgery for me?”

Chapter 17: Fit that Flatters

Nancy
’s mornings with Derek were like a
holiday; she knew they couldn’t last, so she savored every moment. She was
lying in his arms, running her finger across a scar on his leg and she said, “I
was afraid you were too perfect. What is this from?”

“My brother, Petey, dared me to ride my
bicycle down a flight of stairs.”

“So you were the kind of boy who did
things on dares?”

“I admit nothing,” Derek said.

“I’m going out to dinner with Bailey
next week. I’ll ask Sloane to watch Eugenia. You don’t mind, do you?”

“It’s not my place to object.”

“I’m not talking about you as an
assistant, but as my friend.”

“As your friend, I’d like you to be with
someone who makes you happy.”

She’s had more joy in the six weeks
after leaving Hell House than she’d had in all her years with Todd. “Bailey’s
entertaining and he’s got a good future. We’re just friends for now, but you’ve
shown me that things can be better with someone besides Todd. Maybe Bailey is
that someone.”

“How will you know?”

“Do we have to talk about other men
now?” She nestled closer to Derek. “You’re the only man who likes me just for
me.”

“May I ask you something, Madame?”

“Anything.”

“What would you do if you found out a
man you cared for wasn’t what he seemed?”