To make matters worse, the director for the shoot was the bonehead Oda, back for his second round.
“Takagi, don’t be stupid,” he told me. “The program is not called
My Mexican Wife!,
you know....” I had given up trying to sell him on the idea.
But then the oddest thing happened. We had been filming in Oklahoma, the “Sooner State,” just across the border in a town at the tip of the Panhandle. Oda had this great idea that the entire meal should be cooked in frying pans with handles, and our wife, a Mrs. Klinck, agreed. She made German Fried Potatoes and Succotash and Griddle Biscuits, and her meat was a delicate Sooner Schnitzel, made with thin cutlets of veal, dredged in crushed Kellogg’s Krispies and paprika, then pan-fried in drippings with sautéed onions and sour cream. Mrs. Klinck insisted we try a cutlet or two, and to my surprise, Oda dug in with gusto. He had a fondness for German food, it seemed, but after the first few bites, he dropped his fork and clutched his neck as though he were choking.
“Oda-san! Dame da yo!
Stop it immediately!” I hissed at him, furious that he should make such cruel fun of Mrs. Klinck’s cooking. I mean, she was sitting at the table, facing us and watching to see how we liked her Schnitzel.
But he didn’t stop. Instead, the strangling noises he was making intensified, and as Mrs. Klinck watched him, her eyes grew wide and round. She stood up, knocking her chair over, and ran from the room.
“Call nine-one-one!” I heard her cry, and that’s when I realized something else was happening.
Oda’s entire body had suddenly grown rigid and was starting to swell. Within minutes his windpipe had closed, and by the time the local paramedics arrived he could barely breathe. They gave him a shot of adrenaline and we airlifted him in a crop duster to the nearest hospital.
“Anaphylactic shock,” the emergency room doctor said. “What was he eating when it started?”
I described the menu in detail.
The doctor shrugged. “Sounds a bit heavy,” he said, “but basically okay.”
After the seizure had passed and I was helping Oda fill out the medical history forms, he answered yes to the question about antibiotic allergies. When the doctor saw this, he nodded.
“That’s it,” he said grimly. He was a young man just out of medical school and had come to Oklahoma from San Francisco. He was cute and really tall, so we’d been flirting a little.
“What’s it?” I asked.
“Antibiotics,” he said. He looked at me. “You’re a city girl. You’ve probably never been to a feedlot, have you.”
“What, you mean for cows?”
He rolled his eyes. “No, cattle. Meat.”
“No, but it’s funny you should bring it up. What do feedlots have to do with anaphylactic shock?”
“Well, if you’d been to one, you’d know what I was talking about. They’re filthy and overcrowded—breeding grounds for all sorts of disease—so cattle are given antibiotics as a preventive measure, which builds up and collects in the meat.”
“But this was veal....”
He looked at me. “Are you kidding? Especially in veal. Whew! Those calves live in boxes and never learn to walk, even—and the farmers keep them alive with these massive doses of drugs just long enough to kill them. What sent your director into shock was the residue of the antibiotics in the Sooner Schnitzel.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope. What’s his name ... Oda? He must be the sensitive type.”
“Oh, please ...” If he only knew.
The young doctor’s smile faded. “You know, it scares me. I mean, allergies are one thing. But all these surplus antibiotics are raising people’s tolerances, and it won’t be long before the stuff just doesn’t work anymore. There’s all sorts of virulent bacteria that are already resistant.... It’s like back to the future—we’re headed backward in time, toward a pre-antibiotic age.”
I remembered this conversation much later on, but at the moment all I could think was damage control. I phoned Kato in Tokyo to let him know what had happened, and to my immense surprise, he turned the shoot over to me. To direct.
This was it. Without bothering to ask for anyone’s permission, I rerouted us south into Texas and straight into the Martinezes’ kitchen.
Bert wore a mean-looking hook in place of his missing hand, and during lunch he had taught me how to two-step, resting its point in the middle of my spine, while Cathy took a turn around the kitchen table with Suzuki. They were excellent dancers. Bert used to play the guitar beautifully, Cathy told me, when they were still in Mexico, before the accident.
“So now”—she shrugged—“in America we have not so much music. But we can still dance.”
We filmed them stepping out on Saturday night, and on Sunday afternoon after church, Cathy prepared Texas-style Beefy Burritos, made with lean, tender slices of Texas-bred sirloin tips. The burritos were the symbol of their hard-earned American lifestyle, something to remind them of their roots but also of their new fortune. Afterward, Bobby wanted to show us his 4-H project piglet. So there we were, in the chigger-filled field, filming little Bobby in a sea of golden grass that rippled in the wind. Bert and Cathy stood arm in arm, watching. The piglet, whose name was Supper, was so big and heavy that Bobby could barely hold it up in front of him. Bobby was wearing his Sunday suit, a hand-me-down from a neighbor, which was still a bit big for him and the trousers flapped against his bony shins. His head was dwarfed by an old felt hat of his father’s. He had given the piglet a bath and the animal was still wet, sending glistening droplets into the sunlight as it squirmed in his arms. Bobby smiled at the camera, a little Mexican boy shyly offering his American Supper to the nation of Japan. Everything was in slow motion. It was a surreal and exquisite moment.
AKIKO
The alarm clock rang at seven-fifteen on Saturday morning. Akiko woke in panic, which subsided into gentle dread when she realized she was alone. She lay in her futon, staring up at the acoustic ceiling tiles and fluorescent light fixture. Out on the balcony, she could hear the dull rhythmic thump of someone’s wife beating the bedding hung over the balcony rail. Children were awake too. Their voices drifted up from the playground. When Akiko went to market, she always took great care to avoid the playground and the young mothers who congregated around its periphery, just inside the gate. Akiko found it difficult to walk by them along the path outside.
Akiko found it difficult to do many things: to go to bed at a reasonable hour, for example, when “John” stayed overnight in the city or was out of town on business. The air in the small apartment smelled damp and sweet. Sweet poofy exhalations all the night through. She turned over on her side and spotted the squat little whiskey bottle that she’d emptied last night in her exaltation. It had felt so good to be alone. Unmolested. She felt the hard lump of Shōnagon under her pillow. Then she spotted her pillow book diary, its pages scrawled with her own pickled lists.
Things That Make One’s Heart Beat Faster
Rain clouds massing before thunder. To stand on one’s balcony looking toward the city. To see the dull green-ocher ring forming around the point of impact, that bruised sky,
my Tokyo heart.
To contemplate his key in the latch, the scraping of his shoe, his sock-clad heel hitting the hollow floor. To feel the sweet, humid steam from the meat bathe one’s face as one carries it in on the platter. To retreat, to purge—not a soul sees, yet these produce inner pleasure.
It is night and one is feigning sleep. One becomes aware of his critical mind grazing one’s sparrow ribs, considering the cavity of one’s pelvis, fingering the knob of one’s spine, disdaining one’s breasts. Suddenly one is startled by the sound of his deep snoring.
Soused, she’d had this dumb idea that lists could become poetry. She ripped out the pages from the diary and crumpled them in her fist, then made up another.
Things That Give a Hot Feeling
The shame of drinking.
Disobedience.
Drunken poetry, full of imperfections.
She got up slowly, head pounding, and carefully folded the top quilt and the sheets. Then she folded the bottom futon and the thin foam mattress into accordion sections of three. She piled the covers on top of the mattress, laid the buckwheat pillows on top, picked up the entire heap of bedding, and staggered to the closet. She shoved it all inside, onto the shelf, and slid the door shut quickly to keep it from tumbling out. Then she boiled water for tea. By eight o’clock she was dressed and sitting at the low
kotatsu
table in front of the television. Toes tucked neatly beneath her, she watched the screen, where a young Mexican child stood in the middle of a waving field of wheat, smiling shyly up at her and offering her an enormous pig. It was squirming in his arms, so heavy he could barely hold it. He teetered back and forth on the tips of his toes. Then, in slow motion, the wind caught his big felt hat and blew it up into the air, the pig gave a wriggle and flew from his arms, and the little boy broke into peals of laughter as he chased them both in circles. Akiko felt the tears well up in her eyes as, pen in hand, she smoothed out the sheet of paper, ready to take down the day’s recipe, for Texas-style Beefy Burritos, on the back side of her crumpled poem. The haunting a cappella strains of “Amazing Grace” drowned out the noise of the Tokyo suburb.
JANE
FAX
TO: S. Kato
FROM: Jane Takagi-Little
DATE: April 12, 1991
Dear Kato-san,
Thank you for your fax. I was very happy to hear about the high ratings for the Martinez show, and I want to thank you for your vote of confidence in allowing me to direct another episode of
My American Wife!
I will do my best to increase the Authenticity and GeneraL Interest of the program while maintaining the high standards of Helpfulness, Knowledge Enhancement, Wholesomeness, and of course Deliciousness of Meat.
Please assure Mr. Ueno that I understand his concern that an American director might not be able to satisfy the unique sensibilities of the Japanese audience. I will do my best, and I will be sure to send you proposals in advance for your approval.
Up until now we have chosen our American Wives based on characteristics that market studies indicate will be attractive to Japanese married women. I think the reason the Martinez family show received such high ratings is because it was different. It widened the audience’s understanding of what it is to be American. I would like to continue to introduce the quirky, rich diversity and the strong sense of individualism that make the people of this country unique.
Here is my proposal for the next show.
BEAUDROUX FAMILY
Askew, Louisiana
OPENING: Imagine
Gone With the Wind.
The frame is locked and neatly circumscribes a classical Southern perspective. The long drive cuts straight down the center toward the house, lined on either side by ancient oaks whose branches are laden with beards of Spanish moss. The brick plantation house defines the end of the drive and plugs up its vanishing point. We hear a slow Zydeco “Valse Bébé” or a sliding Cajun blues riff like “Ma Petite Fille Est Gone” by Rockin’ Dopsie.
An attractive middle-aged woman with faded blond hair and a glimmer of quiet humor in her eye enters from the Left of the frame. She turns to face the camera. “Hi, y’all,” she says, with a slow smile. “I’m Grace Beaudroux. I’m your American Wife today. Now, let’s meet the family.”
Her words motivate a slow camera dolly forward to reveal a lanky, balding man, deeply tanned.
“I’m Vern,” he drawls. “Gracie’s loving husband.”
Again the camera pushes forward, this time to discover a fair-haired daughter, whose pregnancy burgeons at the bottom of the frame.
“I’m Alison,” she says. “I’m the oldest.” The camera continues to move.
“I’m Vernon,” says a tall, sandy-haired young man. “Junior. I’m the second.” The camera booms down to a considerably Lower angle, and suddenly an Asian teenager with raven-black hair and bangs cut low across her forehead confronts the camera.
“I’m Joy,” she says aggressively. “I’m the third.” She has a pierced eyebrow.
“I’m Newton,” says the Asian boy who follows. “The fourth.”
“I’m Cici,” says the next girl. “I’m fifth.” And then one after another, Asian children in varying shades, descending in size and age, take their turns.
“I’m Elvis. I’m sixth.”
“I’m Page. I’m seventh.”
“I’m Jake. I’m the eighth.”
“I’m Emily May. I’m ninth.”
“I’m Duncan. I’m tenfth.” The little ones have accents still.
“I’m Joey. I’m elevenst.”
“I’m Chelsea,” says the tiniest girl, dark and suddenly quite different. Her black eyes glisten with confusion. She looks around for help. Various whispers can be heard off-camera, which seem to hearten her. Bravely she faces the camera. “I’m the last one.”
CUT TO:
Wide Shot of Family, lined up in front of the plantation house. Gracie is in the center, flanked by her husband and the smiling ranks of her family.
Just think of the meat this gang can eat at a single sitting!
CUT TO REGIONAL CORNER:
With a burst of raucous Southern Funk—Bobby Joe Creely singing his cover rendition of “Poke Salad Annie”—the small town of Askew, Louisiana, comes to life with the annual Pig Festival. In the center of town, whole pigs are splayed and roasted over open pits, and people are spitting watermelon seeds, calling hogs, and chasing greased piglets for prizes. The festival concludes with the crowning of the Pig Queen.
CUT TO MEAT:
Vern is a professional chef and on his day off from his restaurant, as a special treat, he gives Grace a late-afternoon nap; while she dozes, he cooks dinner. In keeping with the Pig Festival theme, he makes his specialty: Cajun-style Baby Back Ribs. His recipe is quite original and well suited to Japanese tastes. The kids all pitch in and help him, and the Cooking Corner becomes quite a rough ‘n’ tumble affair.
CUT TO CHERRY STREET:
Cruisin’ Cherry on a Saturday night. Cherry Street flows like a slow molten river of metal and chrome as the teenage population of Askew gathers in a ritual that hasn’t changed since Grace and Vern were young—only now the vehicles are Nissans and Mazdas, and the music is House of Pain. The cars cruise slowly up Cherry to the Civil War memorial at the edge of town, swing around the monument, then drive back down to the parking lot of the Dairy Queen, where they pull a U-turn and do it again. At seven o’clock, the unofficial start, the occupants of the vehicles are rigidly segregated by gender. As the cars pass each other, subtle agreements are struck, and then, as if by chance, two vehicles will pull to a stop side by side and swap some of their occupants.
Grace Peabody and Vernon Beaudroux met cruisin’ Cherry. Gracie was new in town. So was Vern. Neither had a car, but as both were attractive teens, they got lucky and were invited to join the crowd, Grace in the back seat of a gun-blue Barracuda, and Vern in a cherry-red Chevy Impala. But by the end of the evening, when they’d both been required to vacate the back seats for more expansive couples, they found themselves perched on the memorial at the end of Cherry, discussing their dreams for the future. Vern straddled the rump of the great bronze horse, sharing the saddle, back to back, with a proud Rebel cavalryman. Gracie sat demurely at the horse’s feet, leaning up against the hip of the Rebel’s Negro manservant.
In the next thirty minutes Vern and Gracie knew everything about each other that mattered: that they’d both been to the city but preferred country living; that they both liked
Zydeco, funk, and especially Bobby Joe Creely, but they also liked singing in the church choir; that they both loved kids and wanted a big family, but neither felt it was right to have more than two children of one’s own.
“The way I figure it,” said Vern, “two’s enough. And then if we wanted a big family we could just adopt some....” He looked at Grace, wondering if she’d noticed that he’d practically proposed to her.
“That’s perfect!” exclaimed Gracie, clapping her hands as though what he’d suggested was nothing more than a neat decorating theme for the school prom. “Like all the little Oriental babies from Korea and Vietnam who don’t have anyone to care for them or buy them toys or educations ...”
Then suddenly she got real serious. “I’ve always thought folks should just replace themselves in the world, you know, one kid for each parent, so you’re not really adding anything. If everyone does that, we won’t have the population explosion....”