My Soldier: A Miliatary Romance (25 page)

Levi had been the best thing to ever show up in my dark world. And I was going to make sure our child grew up knowing that.

Slowly, I pressed the icy cold handle down. The door swung open, my ears hijacked by the intense beeping of machines. My eyes instantly teared, the salty liquid flowing without any barrier to stop it.

Levi was covered snugly under a white bed sheet, his arms resting by his sides. My chest tightened, the muscles contracting in a feverish chill that hurt my ribs. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, I couldn't blink.

Small tubes ran all around his body, a large cloudy plastic tube filled his throat. The machine by his side was reverberating in a quick air-filled rush, the small yellow plunger raising and lowering with his chest.

Skirting closer to him, I placed my hand on his ankle. I was afraid to touch him, afraid to cause any more damage to the man I loved.

He gave me a second chance at happiness, he gave me a life to hold onto...

And now, he was losing his. His nerveless end was coming to a close.

Was it worth it? Was it worth you trading your life for mine?

For ours?

Holding the bottom of my belly, I tried to get as close to the other life he gave me. The piece of him that would go on living in the world he was about to leave.

“Hi,” I said awkwardly. Looking over my shoulder, I eyed the closed door. How should I begin? How could I even begin to tell him what I was feeling?

Pausing, I ran my hand up his leg. He was so still, so...
Cold.

“Levi, it's Avni. Your mom called me, she told me I should come see you.” Taking a labored breath, I pushed back the tears.

If he could hear me, I didn't want him to leave hearing me sobbing uncontrollably into his ear. I wanted him to hear every word I said, I wanted him to feel every emotion that I couldn't say to him before.

Because of fear.

Fear of this. How stupid! I'm so stupid!

I spent the last year building a wall to protect me from this, but not this way.

My world had been turned upside down when my brother died in war, and when Levi strolled into the picture, I pushed him away because of the same reason.

He was a soldier.

I let the fear overtake me, I let the fear ride my spine like a freight train when it really didn't protect me from anything.

Gripping his lifeless hand, I slipped into the chair by his side. “I'm so sorry, Levi. I'm so stupid for trying to push you away. I can see that now.”

Resting my head on his chest, I gazed up at his closed lids. “I'm sorry it took this for me to realize that it didn't matter. It never mattered if you were a soldier, I was afraid of getting hurt.” A fresh tear crested my lashes, falling quietly onto his hand. The tears began to fall rapidly, wetting the motionless man beside me.

“I'm so sorry, I should have told you before and I didn't. This wasn't supposed to happen, not like this. Why didn't I realize that pain can't be controlled? This happened here, not in war, not by the hand of some horrible person thousands of miles away. This happened because of me.”

Closing my eyes, I let everything spill from my lips. Everything that I should have said and didn't. If I didn't say it then, right there in that moment, then I would spend the rest of my life wishing I had.

“Levi, I didn't want you to leave because I needed to tell you...” Licking my lips, the saline tears moistened my tongue. “I'm pregnant, I'm having your baby. I hope you can hear me, God I hope you can hear me.”

Squeezing his hand, I wished for him to squeeze back. My heart was begging for him to lift his head, smile and tell me he was going to be fine.

But he didn't. I searched his face for a twitch, a muscle spasm, anything to let me know he was still in there; listening, hearing, glowing.

“Please, don't go like this, I need you. I need you now more than ever. Our baby needs you, you can't go. Not like this. Damn it, Levi, I love you. I LOVE YOU. I'm not ready for this, you can't go.”

Standing, I pulled his hand to my stomach, placing his palm on my lower belly. “Feel our baby, feel the life we have together. You need to be here for us, we need you.”

My body began to crumble, all the muscles breaking into a torrent of earthquakes slicing through my soul.

Collapsing onto him, I hugged his chest. The machine pushed fresh air into his lungs, then the machine pulled it out.

But he remained still.

Are you in there? Can you hear me?

I was ready to give anything to have his arms wrap me tight, to hear his voice against my eardrum.
Be strong, there's nothing you can do.

“Avni?” Diane's head popped in the doorway.

Jolting off Levi's machine-ran body, I swiped the tears from my cheeks. “I'm sorry, Mrs. Hite. This is my fault, this is all my fault.” I needed to tell her, she had to know it was because of me her son was here this way.

This was my confessional, my sacred heart opening to pour out all its sins to this poor woman. It was my fault he had been hurt, it was my burden he tried to save me from.

“Avni—”

“No! I should be the one laying here like this. Not him! Not him.” My words softened as my legs gave way, dropping to the floor. Holding my knees against my chest, I cried. The hardest cry that my body ever wept.

I was crying for Levi, I was crying for his life, crying for his mom, for the second world I had destroyed.

My tears streamed for my brother, tears I had locked away with every other feeling I had forbidden myself to have.

My body shook and rocked, lungs aching to reach for fresh air. Scooping me in her arms, Diane coddled me like a small child. Her tender voice whispered comforting notes that soothed my ears.

“Shh, Avni, it's alright. This is not your fault. I know about what was happening to you, Levi told me. This is not your fault.” Cradling my head, she let the soft hum of her tone fill my mind. “This was not your fault, Levi knew the risks. And he would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant you'd be safe.”

“He told you?”

Nodding her head, she buried her face into my back. “Levi made his own choices, even if you tried to stop him, it wouldn't have worked. He' strong, Avni. All we can do is pray he knows how strong he is.”

Coiling around the woman I had only met minutes before, she felt warm and welcoming. We needed each other in that moment, needed each other to lean on.

The two of us latched onto each other like we were mother and daughter. It didn't matter that I didn't know her, she knew what I meant to Levi, and I hoped she could see what he meant to me.

I loved him like you need air to live.

I loved him like my life wasn't just mine anymore...

It was our life.

Avni

Two Months Later

––––––––

T
he hospital was the quietest I had ever heard it. There were no sounds crossing the long corridors, no nurses floating around on swift feet.

There was nothing but silence. No one wanted this, not a single soul wanted today to come. I tried my hardest to push it further away, for more time.

It was too soon! I wasn't ready for the task ahead of us.

The elevator doors had opened for me way too fast. I wanted them to seal shut, keep the outside world from clawing in and tainting my world.

And I didn't expect the sight that met my eyes as the heavy metal slid open.

The long hall was eerily silent, with men dressed in full Army gear lined as far as I could see.

They created a man made tunnel, covering each wall, blocking every station. There was nothing but green and tan, and muscle. Their heads were held straight forward, hats tipped slightly forward over their foreheads.

I froze, standing in awe.

All this? Levi really made an impression in his career. He must have meant a lot to many people.

Crossing the floor, the hard snap of my feet against the shiny tiles echoed in the gaping silence. None of the men moved, only their eyes. They followed me one by one as I made my way to Levi's room.

I'm not ready. I'll never be ready.

What was worse—Knowing death was at your door, or having it smack you blind when you least saw it coming?

The answer was neither.

It all hurt the same.

Nothing was easy when it came death. Knowing beforehand, or not knowing at all until the moment it happened.

The pain stayed, boring a hole into your heart and stealing a piece of your soul.

Squeezing the long green stem of my flower, I stepped into Levi's room. The eerie silence was even more deafening inside those four walls than in the hall.

Diane was cowered in the corner chair, hands crumpled beneath wads of tissue. My family had come too, the support from them was incredible.

My mom held out her hand, squeezing my arm. I was trying to be strong, but the small bundle growing inside me only made me cringe at the thought of Levi being gone forever.

I was carrying someone who would never know the man I did, they would never grow up with their father, never get to live side by side in an endless love with the man who provided them life.

I had spent every waking moment I could at the hospital after Levi's accident. Well, not really an accident. It was a final stance, he hadn't thrown the white flag, he ran in full force.

An American flag was hanging proudly over his bed, cards riddled any open space around him. I had already cried so much, I didn't think there were any tears left to spill.

But in one blink, they shed from my zombie gaze, and trailed quietly down my cheeks.

The doctors had convinced Levi's mother that she had to make a tough decision. They told her it was unlikely that he'd ever come out of the coma, and that the machines were all that were even keeping him alive.

Diane had to decide to let him go, or let him stay. The woman who had breathed life into this man was the one who had to decide to take it away.

It wasn't fair.

It was a weight that must have felt like carrying a two ton truck. She didn't want him to be living if he really wasn't
living.
I cried trying to convince her to give him more time, he needed time to heal.

But the doctors told her it had been long enough, and they didn't want to hide anything from her. They didn't want to fill her with a false sense that things would get better. They didn't think he'd survive once the machines were turned off.

That day was one I never wanted to relive, and I would never forget.

Levi's mother, my mother, sister, father, and myself all crowded around his bed. The corridor outside his room was filled with unknown soldiers there to pay respects to a fallen brother.

The sight was one of beauty and sadness. His life had made a mark, his worlds had collided into one giant mass.

And everyone came to send him off onto his next journey.

“It's time, Diane. Are you ready?” Dr. Gough lifted his head from the clipboard, ruffling his hair anxiously.

Placing a long stemmed blue flower across his chest, I let my eyes weep the words I could never say out loud.

Levi, I don't want to say this, I can't say this... But I have to.

Goodbye.

I love you.

And you will forever live in my heart, in our child, in the lives of the many people you saved.

You broke into my world, you gave me strength and power. You helped me feel again, Levi.

Without you, without the imprint you made in my life... I wouldn't have the joy of being a mother to our child. Without you...

Without you I'm nothing. But I won't give up.

I will live everyday like it's my last, I won't take advantage of what I've been given.

And I will love our child, endlessly and unconditionally I will love our baby.

A piece of my heart will always be yours.

And a piece of you will always be mine.

I love you.

Closing my eyes, a final tear splashed from my chin onto his chest. The small droplet absorbed into the cloth over his heart.

And in a way, I felt like he had grabbed that tear, stole it from the outside world to keep with him forever.

“It's time,” the doctor said quietly, placing a strong hand on Diane's shoulder.

Her body was shaking, convulsing uncontrollably as she stood beside her son. Kissing his forehead gently, she brushed his hair back, whispering into his ear.

The last words she would ever speak to her son, the last words she would ever give to the man; child, boy, baby she had raised by her own hand. Her tender touch against his hair sent chills over my spine.

Looking up at my mother, her eyes had welled with tears. She knew exactly what Levi's mother was feeling, what emotions were teeming inside her core.

The anger, the pain, the sadness, it was a giant ball of sorrow that could never be cast away. It would remain there, impenetrable to all other feelings that might try to come to life.

My parents were holding each other tight, Livie squished firmly between them. My father stood, eyes wide, face motionless.

Then it happened, a single tear fell from his eye, followed by another, then another. A soundless cry for Levi, for the man who gave him a grandchild.

A soundless cry for Kevin, for the son he had lost.

And for the one he never had the chance to embrace.

Dr. Gough reached his arm out, turning off the ventilator. A quick flip of his wrist silenced the machine, followed by another click.

The hard metal around us went dead, a life being snuffed out by the denial of electrical charge. The long hum and an endless flat line flickered across the screen.

“Time?” The doctor called out.

“Three—”

'Beep.'

'Beep.'

'Beep.'

Avni

Four months in the coma

––––––––

“H
i, Dr. Gough, how is he today?” Placing a fresh bouquet of blue flowers into the vase on the small table, I moved them around, rearranging them to look like an exploding firework.

“The same as he has been, Avni. No changes, which is good and bad.”

My head fell to my shoulder, brow twisting up high. “Good and bad?”