My Skylar (22 page)

He ran his hand through his hair. “You…don’t tell me you were a virgin?”

My voice trembled. “Yes.”

He seemed angry, like I had tricked him somehow. “Shit. I wouldn’t have done this if I knew

that. How the fuck am I supposed to go out there covered in blood?”

My own blood was boiling at the insensitive audacity of his question. “I don’t know…I—”

He left the room abruptly then came back with a small white towel from the bar, and I used it

to wipe my leg down.

He grabbed my hand. “Come on. Let’s sneak out the side door.” He practically dragged me

downstairs and out the side entrance into an abandoned alley. Through the night fog, we walked

in silence on gravel to the street where he hailed a cab.

Chad said nothing to me on the ride back to Charisma’s apartment. I stared vacantly out the

window, still shell-shocked at his Jekyll and Hyde behavior.

When the vehicle stopped, he walked me to the front door and hugged me awkwardly before

getting back in the cab, which sped off.

I was speechless, feeling empty. Used.

The doorman let me in, and I took the elevator up in a daze, still feeling like a fire had been

put out in my vagina. Once upstairs, I realized Charisma was still at the club. All of my stuff was locked inside her apartment because I was spending the night.

I banged the back of my head against her locked door and slid my body down to rest on the

floor of the hallway. I took out my phone and sifted through to the pictures of Mitch and me from

Lake George. This was the first time I had allowed myself to look at one single photo of him since

I wrote that dreaded email. Seeing his face and the eyes that always reflected a love for me within them made me yearn for him. I clutched the phone to my heart and cried. What happened with

Chad did nothing to help me move past my feelings. If anything, it reiterated how indestructible

my love for Mitch was. Being with another man had only made me long for him more.

An hour later, the elevator doors slid open, and Charisma came from around the corner. “Hey,

girl. What happened? I thought you were with Chad.”

I was still on the ground. “Yeah…about that. Your cousin’s an asshole.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She opened the apartment door. “You want a drink?”

“No…please. That’s how I got into trouble tonight in the first place. I’m done with the

drinking. And as for your cousin—if you really want to know—he took off in a cab with my

virginity after kicking me to the curb. Apparently, you don’t need a soul to get into Harvard.”

That summer with Charisma was a learning experience. Between losing my virginity and

discovering that alcohol was not my friend, I also realized that it was impossible to move on

without your heart. Mitch
was
my heart. My feelings would all come to a head at Jake and Nina’s engagement party.

***

They had gotten engaged after A.J. was born, but finances were tight, so they waited a couple of

years to make wedding plans.

As Nina’s maid of honor, I had to travel to Boston to be there for the celebration held at a

fancy Italian restaurant in the city’s North End. Jake’s sister, Allison and her husband, Cedric

paid for the party held in a private room with a small dance floor.

The spread included a buffet of things like antipasto, penne with pesto and rack of lamb. For

dessert there were cannoli and Italian rum cake brought in from a pastry shop down the street.

The DJ played lots of Big band and mellow songs from artists like Tony Bennett and Michael

Buble. The ceilings were adorned with shrimp-colored paper lanterns, and the long table was

decorated with white hydrangeas surrounded by tea light candles floating in water.

Jake was wearing a black dress shirt rolled up at the sleeves that showcased his tattoos while

Nina donned a simple black and white dress. Jake fed Nina an Italian cookie as A.J. sat in

between them.

Even though I was so happy for them, the mood here made my heart feel heavy. It had been

over a year now since I’d broken up with Mitch, and every day was harder than the last. I would

always wonder what he was doing, whether he was happy or if today were the day he would meet

someone he’d fall in love with. Tonight was especially hard because I was in his city, so close yet so far away.

The DJ called Jake and Nina up to dance to Frank Sinatra’s
The Way You Look Tonight.

Something about that song always gave me the chills. It was so beautiful. I focused on the way

Jake was looking at Nina when they were dancing, how they would whisper things to one another.

In that moment, they were essentially all that existed to each other despite the room full of

people. The look in Jake’s eyes was a familiar one; it was the same look Mitch used to give me.

As the song played, my entire relationship with Mitch flashed before my eyes: our basketball

games as kids, the kiss at the carnival, his kissing my bald head, our night in Lake George. An

intolerable ache built inside my chest. Just as the music changed to something fast-paced, I ran

out of the reception room before anyone noticed me bawling.

I ended up in the crowded restaurant dining room and climbed a set of stairs that led up to an

empty rooftop patio. A blast of wind blew my dress Marilyn Monroe-style as I opened the door.

Even though it was a chilly night, the starry-sky was breathtaking. It felt like I could feel a hole in my chest as I began to cry harder.

Then, the door burst open. “Skylar? What the hell are you doing up here?”

A plane flew overhead as he walked toward me.

“Jake….” I tried to compose myself. “I just needed some air.”

“Bullshit. I saw you leaving in tears.”

“You should go back to your party.”

“The chicken dance can wait.” Jake pulled two chairs off a stack that were lined up on top of

each other. “Sit.” When I sat down, he said, “Now talk.”

“You know I broke up with Mitch…”

“How could I forget? He came by my house after you dumped him, you know.”

“He did?”

“Yup…wanted to know if Nina knew anything, wanted my advice. Neither of us knew what to

say. I just gave him beer, let him get drunk and drove him home.”

“When you and Nina were dancing to that song…it just reminded me of him.”

“Hold up. If you’re so sad about him, why did you end it? No one seems to know.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Before A.J. was born, if you found out Nina couldn’t have babies, would you have been able to

stay with her for the long haul?”

Jake paused, blinking his eyes repeatedly as he put two and two together.

“Without a doubt…yes.
Nina’s
my baby. She means more to me than anything in the world.

We happened to get lucky practically on the first shot, but if she weren’t able to give me a child, yes, it would have been a disappointment but only because I couldn’t have a part of her and a part

of me. I wouldn’t want that with any other woman. Any guy that truly loves you would feel the

same.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “You never told Nina, did you?”

“No.”

“This is all starting to make sense now. You thought you were doing him a favor by letting him

go before he had a chance to leave you later.”

I wiped my eyes. “Yeah.”

“If he truly loves you the way he says he does, you’re wrong, Skylar. When I was going through

a rough time, a wise girl once told me that life was short and that I would regret it if I let Nina go so easily. This was the same chick who nearly knocked my teeth out. Have you seen this girl? She

was badass. She needs to take her own advice right about now.”

I started to laugh a little through my tears, remembering that day. “I’m just scared.”

“That’s how you really know you love the dude. Love can’t exist without fear. If the thought of

losing someone doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then it’s not love.”

My heart beat faster as I realized what I was about to do. “Can you tell Nina, I’m so sorry, but I

have to leave?”

CHAPTER 18

MITCH

“Good night, princess.” I kissed Summer on the forehead as I tucked her into bed. I had been

babysitting my sister while my father and his wife were out.

This was the second weekend trip I’d made to Pennsylvania recently. She deserved to have a

brother who wasn’t completely absent from her life, and for once, I was making an effort to put

aside my differences with my father. Something in my life needed to go right when everything else

had gone to shit.

We had spent the night playing Monopoly, and I let her show me how to make her favorite

Rice Krispy treats. I would have let her stay up way past her bedtime, but she finally got tuckered out and asked to go to sleep.

My father’s living room was dark except for the light from the television. The smell of cigarette

smoke ingrained in the dated, tweed couch was pungent. I sat, flipping mindlessly through the

channels, wishing I could talk to Skylar and tell her all about Summer. I wished a lot of things

when it came to Skylar, namely that the past year never happened. I had made a lot of stupid

mistakes in my efforts to forget the pain that she inflicted on me. Yet, the longing for her had

managed to only intensify.

She hadn’t contacted me in months. So, about an hour later, when my phone rang and her

name popped up on the screen, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“Skylar?”

“Hi.”

My eyelids closed tight, cherishing the sound of her voice. “Are you okay?”

“I’m at the lobby of your dorm. Are you here to let me up?”

“My dorm? You’re in Boston?”

“Yes. Nina and Jake had their engagement party, and I left the restaurant to come here.”

I threw one of the pillows in frustration. “Shit. I’m in Pennsylvania visiting my sister.”

She sniffled. “You are?” Her voice sounded hoarse. “Wow…that’s great. I—”

“Skylar, are you crying?”

She hesitated. “Yes. I came here to tell you something.”

It was noisy where she was, and I had trouble hearing her. “Listen, can you go somewhere

quiet?”

“Where?”

“There’s a piano room down the hall of the lobby, the first door on the left before you get to the

guard booth. No one’s ever in it.”

“Okay. I’m walking.” The phone shuffled as she moved. “I’m here. It’s empty.”

“Close the door.” I heard it shut, drowning out the earlier noise. “Now, tell me what you came

there to say.”

“This is hard for me,” she said.

“I’ll stay on the phone with you as long as you need. You could recite the fucking phone book,

and that would okay right about now. It’s just so good to hear your voice. Take your time.”

“There’s stuff I need to tell you. I don’t know where to begin. I should really do this in person.”

“No. No! I’m not gonna waste another second of my life wondering what you’re thinking. I

need to know everything, and I need to hear it now.”

“I love you, Mitch.”

My heartbeat accelerated.

“I love you, too. I never stopped. You know that, right?”

“I have to tell you why I really broke up with you. I thought I was doing the right thing for

you.”

“You’ve said that, but I don’t understand.”

She paused.

“There’s a very good chance I can’t have babies, Mitch. The treatments…they destroyed my

eggs.”

I stared at the
Family Guy
episode playing on the television as my mind absorbed what she’s said.
What?
I couldn’t believe she kept that from me. At the same time, I was devastated for her. It all made sense now.

“Mitch…are you still there?”

“You thought I would leave you if you couldn’t have kids?”

“It was more that I was afraid you wouldn’t, but that over time, as you got older and wanted a

child of your own…you would resent me.”

My emotions were all over the place. I needed her to understand, so my voice was louder than I

intended. “You got it wrong. I don’t want a child if it’s not with you. I will never want one with

someone else. Do you understand me? Nothing matters to me but you. I’m just a fucking walking

shell without you.”

She was quiet and sighed into the phone. “There’s something else I have to tell you.”

“Okay…”

The long breath that escaped her was loud in my ear. “I spent the summer in New York and

met this girl who lived in the city. She introduced me to her cousin. His name was Chad.”

My stomach suddenly felt sick. I knew where this was going.

“Okay…”

“I was trying hard to get over you…and I ended up letting him have sex with me.”

I let out the breath I had been harboring and could taste the bile forming in my throat. My

eyes getting stabbed out would have felt better than hearing that. I tried to act calm, but my

labored breathing was a dead giveaway to my true feelings. My hands formed into fists as I

resisted punching the wall. “Okay…okay. Is that it? You were protected, right?”

She was talking at warp speed. “Yes, of course. It happened so fast, and it was horrible. I never

even saw him again. My first time should have been yours, and I felt so sick about it after. I did it because I thought it would help me move on, and it did just the opposite. I—”

“Okay. Don’t tell me anymore, alright? I can’t handle it. I just want to move past this.”

She directed the conversation toward me. “Have you dated anyone?”

I was silent, unsure of how to explain it to her. Since we were being honest…“I slept with two