My Sister's a Yo Yo (3 page)

She may have looked all cute and funny but Epppie was in a really bad mood. Zeke tried to pick her up veeeeeeeeeeery carefully, but she bit him hard on the finger and Zeke got such a huge surprise that he dropped Eppie down the toilet. PLOP!

‘Glet mle blout,' Eppie gargled.

‘Not till you say sorry for biting my finger!' Zeke yelled down into the toilet bowl.

‘Get me out,' yelled Eppie, ‘or I'll scream and scream and scream and scream until you go deaf and blind with shock and vultures come and nibble your eyeballs.'

‘Oh all
right,
be quiet,' said Zeke.

So then Zeke got two strong sticks from the playground and used them like chopsticks to lift his sopping wet sister from inside the loo.

After she came up gasping and spluttering, Zeke turned the basin tap on ever so gently and stuck Eppie and the yoyo under the cold running water. They were nearly clean when he applied the soap for added shine and Eppie became as slippery as a slug, slipped through his fingers, whirled round the basin and nearly went down the plug hole.

But Zeke grabbed her as quick as a flash and actually saved her life. (He'll never forget this of course, and will mention it once a
day for the rest of his life, and twice a day at Easter when he'll want some of Eppie's chocolate eggs.) Then he dried Eppie under the hot air drier and put her in his pocket, blew his nose on some toilet paper, stuck that in his pocket too, and went to class.

On the way to his classroom Zeke got bored again (unbelievable I know, but some people do bore very easily). So he pulled the bandaid off his elbow and put it in his pocket, on top of the toilet paper and on top of Eppie too. Then he pulled the scab from his sore elbow and put that in his pocket as well.

When Zeke got to the classroom he sat down at his desk, found the chewing gum he'd stuck under his chair yesterday, and started to give it a chew. But before he'd even had a chance to make the chewing gum all soft again, his teacher, super-skinny Miss Snailheadface, called out from behind her desk, ‘What are you chewing, Zeke?'

‘Oh nothing,' he replied.

‘Well get that “nothing” out of my sight, and put it away in your pocket.'

So Zeke took the chewing gum out of his mouth and stuck that in his pocket too, right on Eppie's nose, and then the school morning began.

For most of the subjects Eppie sat quietly in the bottom of Zeke's pocket. Then during maths she fell asleep, and during spelling she snored. And then during music class she danced and sang and no matter what Zeke did to shut her up she just would not stop. He tried to plonk her on the head with his pencil rubber. He tried squeezing her still with his fingers. He tried offering his sister a magic castle in the clouds. But Eppie just would not stop.

(It would have been all right if she'd been a gentle dancer and a quiet singer but Eppie danced like
a milkshake maker and sang like a half dead cat.)

Miss Snailheadface asked, ‘Who is making that noise?'

And some loud-mouthed kid bellowed, ‘It's Zeke who's making all the noise, and check out his pocket. It's dancing!'

Zeke could feel the eyes on him. He had to do something quick smart, so he rose from his chair and started to dance and sing like an opera singer with excited fleas in his navel.

Well Miss Snailheadface took one long look at Zeke dancing like a madboy in the middle of the class and singing like a fighter jet plummeting to earth, and she sent him off to see Nurse Chunkus, who worked in the school sick bay.

(
Excellent,
thought Zeke.
Now I'll have the time and space to undo Eppie, stretch her back to shape, send her back to her class, and then play with my yoyo.
)

Zeke stood up to go to sick bay, pretending that he was disappointed and ill, and walked across the room like the dribble from a spilt milk shake. Then, as soon as he'd stepped out the door, he skipped all the way up to sick bay. He was happy and free and full of joy, until the bell went for recess.

Boring.

So every other kid in the whole universe ran out to play and Zeke had to sit there, waiting for Nurse Chunkus, having absolutely no fun whatsoever — and all because of Eppie.

‘Well then,' said Nurse Chunkus, when she finally entered the room with a moustache of cream and icing sugar. ‘What seems to be the problem? I understand you have a
jiggling lump in your side and there's something wrong with your voice. Well, first things first: the lump.'

Nurse Chunkus made Zeke stand up and turn around and she said, ‘Oh yes, my goodness, look at that! You'd better take your shorts off, Zeke, and let me get a closer look.'

Take my shorts off!
thought Zeke.
I would rather be eaten alive
by a golden cockroach than show this woman my bum.
And then, like a miracle, the telephone rang, and the nurse left the room to answer it.

With Eppie in his pocket Zeke stood wondering whether or not he should take his shorts off, or just run as fast as he could to the hills of Transylvania where he could grow a horrible wiry beard, wear a silly hat, live like a hermit for the rest of his life and never ever get caught.

Escape sounded like the best option but Nurse Chunkus was talking on the phone by the front doorway and there was obviously no easy way out, so Zeke looked like he'd have, like he'd have to, like he'd have … to … of course, take Eppie out of his left hand pocket and put her in the right one instead. And so he did exactly that and then the nurse came back.

‘Well, Zeke, I told you to show
me the lump,' she said.

‘There's no need to now,' Zeke replied, ‘because as you can see, the lump's completely gone. So can I go out and play?'

And Nurse said, ‘This is very odd. I'm sure it was there before,' and she put on her glasses, the really thick ones, and made Zeke turn in a circle slowly.

He felt like a ballerina inside a music box (he felt like an absolute goose).

‘Ahah!' shrieked the nurse. ‘I was completely right. There it is, on that side
there!' In fact she
was just about to poke and prod with her fat sausage fingers, and fingernails like waterslides … when suddenly the phone rang again.

She left the room to answer it and as soon as she'd waddled out the door Zeke took Eppie from his right-hand pocket and tucked her down his shirt. Then, with a noise like rumbling thunder, the nurse rolled back into the room.

‘Now, where were we?' she said as she wobbled in closer. ‘Show me your right-hand side.'

She looked for the lump on the right-hand side but it had miraculously disappeared. So finally Zeke said, ‘See there's nothing there. Please can I go out and play?'

‘No you may not!' the nurse roared, ‘I know it's here somewhere. I've seen it twice, and it's obviously dangerous because it's wandering all over your body.'

She checked Zeke's legs and his arms and his ears and his head and his back, and finally checked under his shirt in case the lump was on his tummy.