My Secret Life (18 page)

We both also grew more lascivious, having frigged before each other, we took to frigging each other. I went to my home; on going back, I found he had taken other young men to see the legs. One night five of us had dinner, we smoked and drank, our talk grew baudier and baudier; we had mostly been schoolfellows, and dare say we had all seen each other’s doodles, but I cannot assert that positively. We finished by showing them to each other now, betting on their length and size, and finished up by a frigging sweepstakes for him who spent first.

At a signal, five young men (none I am sure nineteen years old) seated on chairs in the middle of the room began frigging themselves, amidst noise and laughter The noise soon subsided, the voices grew quiet, then ceased, and were succeeded by convulsive breathing, sighs and long-drawn breaths, the legs of some writhed and stretched out, their backsides wriggled on the chairs, one suddenly stood up. Five hands were frigging as fast as they could, the prick-knobs standing out of a bright vermillion tint looking as if they must burst away from the hands which held them. Suddenly one cried “f — fi — fir — first,” as some drops of gruelly fluid flew across the room, and the frigger sank back in the chair. At the same instant almost the other jets spurted, and all five men were directly sitting down, some with eyes closed, others with eyes wide open, all quiet and palpitating, gently frigging, squeezing, and titillating their pricks until pleasure had ceased.

Afterwards we were quiet, then came more grog, more allusion to the legs of women, their cunts and pleasures, more baudiness, more showing of pricks and ballocks, another sweepstakes, another frigging match, and then we separated.

I do not think that, excepting to Henry, that baudy evening ever was referred to by me.

I got up I recollect next day ashamed of myself, and felt worse, when he remarked, “What beasts we made ourselves last night.” What changes since then. Two of the five found graves in the Crimea, the third is dead also; Henry and I alone alive. He with a big family, with sons nearly as old as he was at the time of the frigging matches I wonder if he ever thinks of them, wonder if he ever has told his wife.

Of age:
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Camille my first French woman. — Lascivious delights.
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Harlots by the dozen.
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Baudy books.
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Tribades.

 

I came into my property, and, to the great horror of my mother and family, soon gave up my post at the
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and my intended career, and determined to live and enjoy myself. I had been all but posted to a regiment; that commission I resigned, though all my youth desiring it. I lost much money by doing so. What I did between the time that I had the two sisters until I went regularly on the town is not worth telling of more than already done. Frig myself I did not; gay women since my last clap I was shy of, but I used to shag a servant of a family close by, and rather think one of our own servants; but if so, all circumstances made small impression on me, and nearly escaped my mind, excepting those of a comely woman of about thirty, with black curls, of a wall not far from a church and of fucking her up against it, of her being so anxious to get indoors by nine o’clock, and scuffling off with her wetted cunt directly she had finished with me. Her name, or who she was, I quite forget.

This I know, that I had no other woman at home and had no liking for gay women, nor is it to be wondered at, since my experience with them was confined to one I had with my cousin Fred, women by the road-side who would take a shilling, and others of a queer class in the confines of the Waterloo Road (two debauches there told of) then filled me with horror, and three claps; yet I was to leave off giving my passion to quiet women and bestow all my attention for a time on gay women.

Walking up Waterloo Place one evening, with plenty of money in my purse and lust in my body, I met a fine, clearcomplexioned woman, full twenty-five years of age, who addressed me in French, and then in broken English. She had an eye and manner which fascinated me, her dress was quiet yet elegant, as unlike the French woman of Regent Street of the present day as a duchess is to a milkmaid; but she was the ordinary French whore of the day, of whom there were then but few in London (there was no railway to Paris), and who were exclusively supported by gentlemen at the West End. I went home with her to a house at the comer of G
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n Square, after fearing and hesitating

As I got to the door my fear returned, and, but for shame, I would not have gone in. “I have but little money,” said I, “have you not a Victoria?” said she. “No,” “You will find one, I am sure.” By that time the door was opened, and in I went. “You will find one Victoria,” said she in broken English as she closed the room-door, “but if not, shall you not give me what you shall find.” The room was nicely furnished, out of it was a nice large bed-room and a smaller one (she paid twenty shillings a week for all, as you will soon hear). Four wax candles were lighted, down she sat, so did I, and we looked at each other. I could say nothing.

“Shall I undress?” said she at length. “Yes,” I replied, and she began. Never had I seen a woman take off such fine linen before, never such legs in handsome silk stockings and beautiful boots. I had had the cleanest, nicest women, but they were servants, with the dress and manners of servants. This woman seemed elegance itself compared to them. A fine pair of arms were disclosed, a big pair of breasts flashed out, a glimpse of a fine thigh was shown, and as her things dropped off, and she stooped to pick them up, with her face towards me, her laced chemise dropped, opened, and I saw darkness at the end of the vista between her two breasts.

A pull up of the stockings and garters disclosed other glimpses of the thighs and surroundings. Then she sat on the pot, pissed and looked at me, whilst I sat in fear, saying nothing, doing nothing, my cock shrivelled to the size of a gooseberry, and longing to go away. The whole affair was unlike anything I had seen or dreamed of; a quiet, business-like, yet voluptuous air was about it, which confused me; it affected my senses deliciously in one way, but all the horrors about gay women were conjured up in my imagination at the same time. I was intensely nervous.

She, seeing me so quiet, sat herself on my knee and began unbuttoning my trowsers. I declined it. “Are you ill?” said she. I told her no, scarcely knowing what she meant. Then she unbuttoned me in spite of my objection, laid hold of my little doodle, and satisfied herself that it was all right I suppose; for she hurt me; I could not tell why she squeezed it, for I did not know then the ways of gay women. The squeeze gave me a voluptuous sensation, although fear had still hold of me; then she kissed and fondled me, but it was useless. Then she said, “You have never had a woman before, I see.” My pride was wounded, and I told her I had had many. “Are always you like this with them?” she asked. “No, but I really did not want it.” “Oh! yes you shall. Come to the bed.” She got off my knee, went to the bed, laid down on one side, one leg on, one dropping down to the floor, drew up her chemise above her navel, and lay with beautiful, large limbs clad in stainless stockings and boots, her thighs of the slightly brown color seen in Southern women, between them a wide thicket of jet-black hair, through which a carmine streak just showed. She raised one of her naked arms above her head, and under a laced chemise showed the jet-black hair in the armpit. I had never seen such a luscious sight, nor any woman put herself unasked into such a seductive attitude.

“Come,” she said. I obeyed and went to the side of the bed, my prick not yet standing. She took my hand and put the finger on to her clitoris, pulled my prick towards her and kissed it, and at the double touch up it rose like a horn. “Ah!” said she, moving on to the middle of the bed, “take off your clothes.” I was on to her without uttering a word and had plugged her almost before I had said “no,” which I had meant to say.

What a cunt! what movement! what manner! I had till then never known what a high-class, well practised professional fucker could do. How well they understand the nature and wants of the man who is up them; hers was the manner of a quiet woman, who had been some time without a prick, it was so like baudy nature in a lady that I was in the seventh Heaven. My crisis came whilst she kept murmuring, “Don’t hurry”; but the wriggle and heave, and the tightening of the cunt, kept hurrying me, as well she knew.

I had scarcely finished my spend when curiosity took possession of me. She yielded in the way a French woman does to all a man wishes, almost anticipating them. The black hair under her arm-pits first came in for my admiration, then her eyes, her bubbies came in for their share, as raising myself on an elbow, my prick still up her, I looked and felt all over her, I even opened her mouth and felt her teeth, which were splendid. Then, rising on my knees, I looked between her legs, at the splendid thicket of black hair. Far from attempting to get up, or prevent me, she opened her thighs wider, I pulled aside the cunt-lips, there rolling out from a dark carmine orifice was my essence. At the sight of it, up came my prick, still dripping, and up it went into the sperm-lined passage.

My second fuck over, she washed. No sooner was that done than I wanted to see it all over again. “You are very fond of women,” she said, “I thought you had never had a woman before.” Then I explained, gave her the Victoria, and, scarcely daring, said (for she was dressed again), “How I should like to do it again.” “You take up much time of me, but you may, if you like, at side of de bed.” Out came my prick, up it went, her duff and belly in sight now, till I spent in her, and, promising to see her again, I left. One does not get silk stockings, laced chemise, four wax lights, and three fucks for a pound now, if rooms be well furnished or not.

I saw her the next day, then saw her almost daily. Little by little I took to calling at all times, and sleeping with her. The more I had her, the more I liked her. She was a very nice woman in most ways, I scarcely ever found her untidy, dirty, or slammerkin. If not dressed, she had a clean wrapper on, had nearly always silk stockings on, and a clean chemise; and therefore, call when I might, she was ready to be fucked at a minute’s notice. She was a good cook, and would cook omelettes and nice things in her room. I used to fuck, get out of the bed, eat, and fuck again with the food almost in my mouth. I used to have little dinners in her room, sent in by a French cook, which were excellent, and then, with stomach full and with nice wine, would spend the evening in baudy joys.

What astonished and delighted me at the same time was the freedom and the way she lent herself to all my voluptuous inclinations. The gay women I had had I had fucked as fast and got away from them as soon as I could; my spend even scarcely finished at times. With my mother’s servants (my first love Charlotte excepted, and for a time with Susan), my enjoyments were mostly hurried, a fingerstink, a frig on their cunt, and a hurried look were all my amatory preliminaries for the most part; because I was too impatient for the spend, was mostly obliged to seize opportunities in a hurry, or because the girls were impatient at being pulled about. When I had tried with them some of the little amatory amusements which were beginning to suggest themselves to my voluptuous imagination, they resisted, or only half lent themselves to my will. With Susan I had tried the most, because I knew she had had a bumbasting before, and she had been more willing; she liked pulling my prick about, but even she made a fuss one night when I wanted to fuck her with her bum towards my belly, and never let me look at her belly. Thus my baudy longings had never been satisfied. With Charlotte I did a little variety, from curiosity; now I began to want it from voluptuousness. The natural impatience of my age, and my few opportunities, had led me to bring my women to the bed, throw up their clothes, pull open their legs, give a rapid glance at their thighs, belly and cuntfringe, by which time my prick was nodding and throbbing. Then followed a grope, and the next minute I was fucking as hard as I could.

With Camille all came like new to me. She even anticipated me. If I pushed her to the side of the bed, she fell on her back and opened her legs gently, disclosing her slit in the most voluptuous manner, without speaking. If I strove to pen her thighs, open they went as wide as she could make them, leaving me to open, shut, pinch, frig, or probe her cunt, as I listed. At a hint, she with two fingers would spread open the lips to enable the fullest inspection. If I turned her round, she would fall on the bed arse upwards, like a tumbler. If I cocked up a leg, there she kept it till I pulled it down. I scarcely ever said what I wanted, she guessed my desires from the way I turned her about. It was only at a later time, when my baudiness grew whimsical and invented strange attitudes, or singular caprices of love, that I had to tell her what I wanted; but at first I was too timid for that. She once said to me, laughing, “I am a born whore, for I like it, and like to see a man amuse himself with me.”

Her every movement, even when I was tranquil, was exciting. If she sat down, her limbs were in some position which by contemplation stirred my lust and made me rush to stroke her, and was gratified in any form and manner I liked. With her, all forms of copulation were wholesome and natural, so that I had enough variety.

I was constantly with her until pretty well fucked out, then I stayed away a while. When I recommenced she, I expect, thought I was weary of her and set to work to keep me, by putting into my head things I had not heard or thought of, asking if I would like to sate my lust in such and such ways; and then procuring for me what she had suggested.

I was indeed worth treating so, for though I only gave her a sovereign at first, my money quickly began to go into her pocket from mine. The more variety I had, the more I paid, which was but natural and fair.

She had a book full of the baudiest French pictures; there was not an attitude depicted in it that I did not fuck her in. That done, she asked me one day if I would like another woman to feel whilst I had her. She came, and I fucked Camille feeling the other’s cunt, longing to fuck it, but fearing to propose it. Camille guessed what I wanted and proposed it herself. With what joy my prick entered the stranger’s split, Camille looking on, holding her cunt open for inspection at the same time and going through the motions of frigging herself whilst I was shoving. Then came endless variety. I had two other French ladies and fingered their cunts whilst I fucked a third, then two more, laying cunt upwards, legs in the air, and arses meeting over Camille’s head. At last I had six altogether at once, and spent the evening with them naked, fucking, frigging, spending up or over them, making them feel each other’s cunts, shove up dildoes, and play the devil’s delight with their organs of generation, as they are modestly called.