My Reality (19 page)

Umm . . . you mean the three months we were engaged?? You suddenly learned something about yourself? Please continue . . .

“I’ve grown as a person. There’s obviously no way I’m perfect. I mean, look at me.”

“Yea, I’ll second that . . . I’m sorry,” I scoffed.

Jason looked at me. “I don’t regret anything that’s happened between us. I know you do.”

“I do,” I snapped back at him.
My turn.
It was finally my chance to speak, and I let it rip.

“I trusted you with everything. To me, getting engaged and finding that person is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. And you took that from me.” I tried to continue to fight my tears, but they were coming at this point. “You took it. I wish more than anything that last day, you would have just let me go, instead of doing this to me. I’m so mad at you!”

“I would do anything if I could give that to you,” he said.

I held out the ring, and he took it from me. I didn’t believe anything he had to say to me anymore. The fact that he couldn’t give me some sort of a warning as to what I was walking into had infuriated me. To me, it was unforgivable. Even if he felt he loved Molly, why didn’t he just
tell
me that? Excuse me: tell me that
privately
. At least he could have given me a chance to react privately, and get my emotions in check before dealing with it on camera.

“I don’t get it at all,” I said. “Because none of it makes sense.” And in reality, it all did make sense. I was just his second choice.

Just to add salt to my open, bleeding wound, Chris Harrison gave us all a recap of what just happened.

“Just to clarify, you’re breaking it off with Melissa, and you’re going to pursue a chance—a shot—with Molly.”
Thanks, Chris. We needed that clarification.

“I’m sorry for everything,” Jason said.

“You know, I’ve been through a ton of heartbreak,” I said. “You’ve been through a ton of heartbreak. That’s why I’m baffled by all this. I mean, it doesn’t make sense. You should know better than to do something like that. So, good luck in the future. Good luck with Molly. There you go. Don’t call me. Don’t text me anymore. Leave me alone, please. Thank you.”

I stood up and stormed off stage. As I walked to the limo waiting for me outside, I went over and over everything in my mind. Every boyfriend I’d ever had, except for Tye, had been unfaithful to me so that was probably my greatest fear when I got into a new relationship. I had actually opened up to Jason enough to tell him this. And he had still gone and done exactly the same thing to me—only he’d done it on national TV. I immediately went back to that place of wondering what was wrong with me that made this always happen to me, and how I could ever trust anyone.

I had not necessarily thought that my relationship with Jason would have worked out anyhow. I was happy with what had developed between Tye and I since Jason and I had fallen apart. But the fact that Jason had given up on us, and gone back to a relationship with another woman immediately after we got engaged, brought back the same old feeling that I’d never
been
enough, and that I would never
be
enough. I was very emotionally fragile right then. And learning that Jason had given in to his feelings for Molly—while I had been putting Tye off out of respect for Jason, and our relationship—broke me.

There was definitely no more Bubble now. And I hated the reality I was facing. All of America—my family, my friends, and Tye—were going to see me be this stupid girl who fell in love in two weeks and then just got absolutely humiliated on national television. My biggest fear, from that day my dad called and told me how nervous he was about what would happen if I went on the show, had come true. And now I was going to have to go home, and everyone was going to laugh at me. Again, I felt like there was no one I could trust. I felt utterly alone, and I was mad that I had gotten myself there.

I’m smarter than this. And I know better. And now I look like that girl. And I don’t want to be that girl.

I finally reached the safety of my hotel room and reached out for the best source of comfort I could imagine: I called Tye. He could tell I’d been crying.

“Why are you crying?” he asked. I could hear how upset he was from his tone of voice. I think it was his worst fear that I was going to see Jason again, and our old feelings would rekindle. Little did he know, he had
nothing
to worry about.

I didn’t even know how to begin explaining what I had just gone through. I began stuttering and stammering, and I’m sure I wasn’t making any sense.

“Wait, wait, wait. Now
why
are you upset?” he asked, sounding slightly upset himself.

“Tye, I’m not even going to tell you what happened on that stage,” I said. “I’m just, emotionally, going through a lot.”

“Was it because of what he said?” Tye asked. “Do you still care about him?”

“It’s not what it sounds like,” I said. “You can’t even begin to understand why I’m crying. I’m just so mad. I feel so set up. And I don’t need you to do this to me right now.”

It bothered him to see me upset over someone else who had broken my heart and made me cry like that. He hadn’t wanted me to go and see Jason again. And I’m sure he wondered if I was still in love with Jason, and if I was still emotionally invested in the relationship.

Of course, none of his fears was true. It wasn’t Jason. It was the whole process. I had just been totally lured into a trap and lied to. And I knew that people were going to be watching this show, thinking that they knew how it ended, and then there was going to be this huge bombshell. And I didn’t know how that bombshell would be received, especially because viewers weren’t going to know what had really happened, and they were going to think I got dumped. I had no idea what I was going to look like, or how I was going to come across. I was mad. I was hurt. I was embarrassed. I was confused. And I couldn’t explain all of this to Tye. I knew that, even if I tried to explain, nobody would ever be able to know what I was feeling up on that stage except for me. It was such a strange, unique experience to go through.

I laid on the bed, replaying the whole night over and over again. Feelings of anger and humiliation consumed me.
How could I let this happen?
I could only imagine what was going to happen when all my friends and family watched me get engaged, and then watched me get dumped. How was I going to able to face them?

And I couldn’t help but be furious with Jason. To not even have the decency to tell me about things before I walked out on that stage, to tell me in front of the world that he was still in love with Molly . . . it was mortifying. And to think this was someone who said he loved me and wanted to spend forever with me.

I guess he meant forever in reality TV years.

W
hen I flew home to Dallas the next day, I felt such a mix of emotions. I wasn’t sad or heartbroken over Jason, because I had come to see that, in reality, I was never actually in love with him. In the Bachelor Bubble, I had absolutely thought I was in love with him. But that world was far away now. I was actually very relieved that the whole fiasco was finally behind me. Well, I take that back. It still had to
air on national television
. But I was done having to live through it. I figured I could finally move on with my
regular
life and pretend that little hiccup had never happened. The problem was that my real life felt like a total mess again, which is exactly why I had gone on
The Bachelor
in the first place. It seemed like I was caught in a terrible pattern that I couldn’t escape. Things would be so great in my life, and then they would always fall apart.

When I got home, it was the strangest feeling, because nobody back home knew what had happened. Not only was I not allowed to tell them what happened, but everyone in America, including many people in my life, were watching the early episodes of
The Bachelor
at that time. This meant that they were right in the middle of seeing me fall in love with Jason. I’m sure my friends could tell what was going on. Their biggest clue was the fact that I didn’t want to talk about
The Bachelor
at all. I would either change the topic or avoid it altogether. Even though I knew it would all come out eventually, I decided to prolong the inevitable humiliation for as long as possible.

I went about my normal routine, working at the liquor distribution company and trying to trust Tye enough to build a new relationship with him. I also began to make sense of what had just happened to me. The longer I was outside of the Bachelor Bubble, the easier it was for me to get some perspective. I really think that all of the qualities that had made my girlfriend decide to sign me up for
The Bachelor—
my vulnerability, my low self-esteem, my desperation to be in a serious relationship—were exactly what made me so susceptible to the Bachelor Bubble.

I had even talked about it on my audition tape. Not about Tye specifically, but about how I didn’t understand why guys didn’t want to be with me, and I didn’t know what made them not want to settle down with me. And how all I wanted was to be with somebody who showed me that they wanted to be with me, and yet, simple as that was, I had never found it. I’m sure I had a big bull’s-eye on my back during the whole audition process. I’m sure the production people took one look at me and thought they had found their golden girl.

Because I had been so heartbroken over a relationship in which I couldn’t freely express my feelings, while I was filming the show, I had said everything I was feeling to Jason
as
I was feeling it. I had no filter. I also came in wanting a relationship so badly that I took any little bit of attention Jason gave me and made it bigger than it was. I let myself get wrapped up in my feelings more than I logically should have. But, of course, I wasn’t thinking. I was acting out of
pure emotion. And I, honest to goodness, thought I was falling in love with Jason. I really believed that it had become my destiny and that I was meant to leave Tye and go on
The Bachelor
to meet Jason.

Without any prompting, I was just naturally spilling out everything that they wanted from me. It wasn’t until the end, when I started to get angry and shut down, that they had to step in and try to make me do things their way. Even though I felt taken advantage of, once I got some distance from the situation, I wasn’t as angry as I had initially been. I understood that the show’s producers had a job to do. It was just that the way the show was set up, it was inevitable that someone would get hurt. Take a few lonely girls looking for love, mix them up with a little competition under one roof, and put them in the bubble of reality TV, and what do you get: a recipe for disaster! Or, actually, a recipe for complete success, as far as the ratings were concerned.

What I learned throughout the whole process is that you
can
force love, never mind what the song lyrics say! It certainly happened to me!

All it took was a few key elements:

1.
The right frame of mind:
In my case, I was just so broken, and all I wanted was to be loved.

2.
The right chemistry:
Jason and I were certainly attracted to each other enough that we would have had a few good dates in the real world, even if we didn’t have the deeper connection for the long haul.

3.
The romance factor:
Don’t underestimate the powerful combination of a charming guy and some over-the-top, super-romantic dates.

4.
Friendly producers:
Their encouragement gave all of us girls just enough of a shove toward Jason to seal the deal.

Under these circumstances, it was possible to believe in instant true love and pretty much anything else. The only problem was that reality did finally conquer fantasy after a while.

Once I made peace with all of this, I could even start to be grateful for some of the things
The Bachelor
had given me. Not only had I been able to move to Los Angeles for two months and meet amazing women, some of whom have become close friends, but I also grew up in so many ways.

Before the show, I hadn’t traveled at all. During
The Bachelor
, I took more plane trips in two months than I had ever taken in my entire life. I saw cities I had never seen before. I saw a
country
I had never seen before! I underwent some once-in-a-lifetime experiences and collected some great stories to tell my grandkids someday.

I also got a major dose of self-confidence, even if it was sometimes a little wobbly in the immediate aftermath of
The Bachelor.
When I was younger, I had developed a very unhealthy approach to relationships, which I needed to break before I could have a successful adult relationship.

Ever since my first breakup from Josh at twenty-two, who I had dated for an epic seven years, I had always tried to hide my pain in something bigger and better, rather than learning to build myself up on my own. After that breakup, the bigger and better thing had been my stint as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. After Tye, I was so damaged and hurt all over again that I had tried to lose myself in
The Bachelor.
I could never get over my breakups because, during the relationships that preceded them, I had given up so much of myself and my independence that it actually felt impossible to just
be Melissa on my own. It took me so long to heal from the end of these relationships because, while I was in them, I’d completely forgotten that I had my own wants and needs.

After I got back from
The Bachelor
, I was forced to take a long, hard look at what made a good relationship that was worth a real commitment. I realized that the first requirement of such a relationship was that it shouldn’t cause me to lose myself in somebody else. Instead I should find somebody that was my equal, and who I
wanted
but didn’t
need.
I once heard a great quote that really speaks to the heart of that sentiment:
Young love: I want you because I need you. Mature love: I need you because I want you.
Before, I had
needed
every relationship I was in. But now I was trying to trust myself enough to believe I could want someone but also feel happy and fulfilled on my own if I didn’t have him.