My Naughty Little Secret (17 page)

Catherine said she needed to go to the shops to get some supplies and asked James to drive her. Judging by James’ questioning face, she was well able to drive herself and was trying to leave Michael and me on our own to give us time to talk. That was absolutely the last thing I wanted, but I was trapped. I could see he wasn’t really much more comfortable with the whole situation than I was. For starters, we were in his father’s home. Hardly the place for us to have a frank and open discussion. And I had made it pretty obvious that I didn’t really want that discussion, not yet, anyway. I was still hurting too much. I think he was too, but he seemed a bit more willing to talk.

I know I was wrong to jump to conclusions about Vivienne. But it transpired that the fates were against us. Even if Vivienne hadn’t turned up that day, we would have ended up in the same mess as I had been due to meet his family, which in fact had been his biggest lie of them all. No wonder he had been so uptight before I left for Ireland. He knew me better than I thought. True, for many a couple, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal, and maybe he could have told someone else sooner, but I could be a proud, stubborn woman and he knew that. I really didn’t want the world to think I was been granted special favours, and indeed I didn’t want to fear that I would be given them. That’s why I had loved London from day one. You got where you got on merit, not because of whom you knew or whom you were related to. I could have made a career in Ireland, but England had offered anonymity and freedom from the nepotism that was rife in the Irish workplace and I loved that.

Once Catherine and James had left, we were sitting at the table across from each other, each lost in our own worlds. There was so much to say, but neither of us seemed capable of starting the conversation. It was looking like it was going to be a long afternoon. I hoped the shopping wouldn’t take too long. This was akin to torture. My head was throbbing and I really could have done with some fresh air. I was looking out the window wistfully at the garden when Michael suddenly got up and grabbed a loaf of bread. I was looking at him as if he had two heads; he never ate sliced bread, at least not as far as I knew.

“Get your coat, we’re going out,” he ordered. Jesus, he was still giving me orders. If I had been wondering about whether going to Lynham’s was the right decision, it was made for me there and then.

“Don’t you ever say please, or ask my opinion? How the hell could I work for you? You’d be constantly issuing edicts without considering my views on the subject,” I snapped. The floodgates of recriminations were opened now.

“Jesus, I just wanted to bring you out for some fresh air. We’re sitting looking at one another and not saying a word. I thought we might as well go for a walk. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m bullying you.” He humphed in disgust and sat down again.

“And what’s wrong with, ‘Would you like to go out for a while, Siobhan?’ instead of assuming I’ll dance to your jig every time? I have a brain, you know. I can make decisions for myself. You always do that—make demands, not requests.”

“Do I?” he asked with some surprise.

“Always.”

“I’m sorry. We are unhappy being cooped up here uncomfortable with each other. It’s a beautiful day and Verulamium Park isn’t far from here. Would you like to go and get some fresh air and clear your head?”

“That’s better,” I smiled. “Yes, that sounds lovely. See, that didn’t hurt did it?”

“Come on, before I change my mind,” he grinned, grabbing the bread.

“Are you hungry?” I asked in surprise.

“No, but the ducks will be. They’d mug you for less. I’ll just leave a note for the folks.”

Once we got to the park, he headed straight for the manmade lake. He was right; as soon as the ducks saw us approaching they were out of the water swarming us, and a couple of swans with their almost fully grown cygnets came right over to the water’s edge. The male swan hissed if we got too near his babies, but he was happy to take the scraps from our hands himself. We had to throw good and hard to make sure the others got their share.

“Sometimes they divorce,” I commented for want of something to say.

“What?”

“Swans, they don’t always mate for life; sometimes they leave their partners and find a new one. I heard it on the radio, there was a study being done; the swans were tagged and two tagged swans came back the next year with a new partner each. Birds in their little nests don’t always agree, it seems.”

Michael was looking at me as I spoke and breaking up some bread. Just then, a swan snatched it from his hand, biting him. He swore and I laughed; a proper heartfelt laugh for the first time in three days.

“That’s better,” he said, rubbing his pinched finger. “I prefer to see you laughing than crying.” There were kids running around the park playing and shrieking and I had to admit that it was better than sitting around James’ house feeling sorry for myself.

We went for a walk among the ash trees; I was listening to the sounds of our feet rustling the fallen autumn leaves. There were hundreds of wild saplings and absently Michael fingered them. Sighing heavily, he pulled one up and snapped it through the air with anger and frustration. He pulled more and more, each with increasing force.

“Will you leave the poor trees alone, what have they done to you?” I said reasonably. That’s about twelve future trees you’ve destroyed. I hope there’s no park-keeper around.”

“You know what I’d like to do with these? I’d like to make a birch and spank you into listening to me. But I know that’s not going to solve anything. I need to earn your trust, not your fear.” He swished the bunch of saplings through the air for effect. It set me shivering.

“Maybe I should spank you for your lies and bullshit,” I countered crossly. The look on his face told it all. It had obviously never occurred to him that maybe he could be on the receiving end for a change.

“I’d prefer to keep the spanking the other way round, Shiv, but if I thought it would help fix this, I’d try it. The last three days have been hell. I know it’s my own fault, but I miss you so much. Nothing’s the same. I’d give anything to start over, with a clean slate.”

He had set me thinking. Maybe it would help if I got to take it out on his backside. Also it could help bring it closure. And he might just realise how bloody much he had hurt me. I was brooding inwardly and Michael seemed oppressed. He suggested it was time to return to the house for dinner. He quickly bundled the ash saplings in the car, hoping he wouldn’t be caught destroying public property, although he said the saplings grew wild and plentiful and usually had to be thinned out each year to ensure they all got enough light.

“You’re on,” I said out of the blue.

“Pardon?”

“You’re on—I’ll give you a spanking and see does it help put this behind us. After dinner, we’ll go to your place. “

I could see he didn’t know whether to be relieved at getting another chance or horrified at the thought of being spanked. I could see he was getting no kick from it, not like I did. Before every spanking, no matter how nervous or chastised I felt, there was always a thrill of butterflies and excitement.

“Fuck it, ok. How bad can it be? If you think you might be able to forgive me…”

“No promises, but it’s worth a try.” I have to admit, I was getting a bit of a thrill at the thought of the Dominatrix role. It was totally new for us. And I really wanted to make him feel my pain. It was a new characteristic in me; I didn’t normally have a sadistic streak. I didn’t know if it was purely a desire for revenge, or the start of yet another new sexual awakening.

It was obvious that Catherine and James were relieved to see a new peace pact had been reached. Dinner passed pleasantly. They were both wonderful company and Michael and I were more at ease with one another. I don’t think I had ever seen Michael so relaxed, in fact. The secrets were gone, so the barriers were down. Even the bickering that was often present between him and James at work was glaringly absent in their personal relationship. It was obvious they had a high mutual regard and an easy friendship. Michael was embarrassed by the stories that James and Catherine told of his first teenage crush for a young girl in the lawn tennis club who ran rings around him, and he absolutely cringed when Catherine dragged out the old photo albums.

It was hard not to like this version of Michael. He was an affectionate son and stepson, he could hold an intelligent conversation, and he could take the familial raillery with ease and good spirits. Now I was becoming curious to observe him in the company of his peers, his friends. I wondered how many other facades I had missed because of all the secrets. And indeed because of how much of myself I had closed off to him. In truth I had been afraid to trust him from the start, just because he was a man. The fact that he was so closed only served for me to keep even more reserved. In all honesty, had it not been for the passion of the spanking relationship, it would be hard to see how we had come so far. The spark and intensity of the sexual side had kept us united by a thin thread. Now we had to explore what there was beyond that thread. That we both wanted to try for more was a good start. I didn’t really believe Michael loved me, as we had kept ourselves too aloof in many ways, but I did believe there was something deeper than the physical passion, with both of us, if we were prepared to give it free rein. We both fancied each other, a lot. But much more important, deep down we had a mutual regard and admiration. We liked each other, I guess. Those were the true building blocks of a relationship; sex was simply the mortar that held the blocks together, but without the bricks, it was useless on its own. But now we had to test the strength of the foundations with our full weight and make sure it didn’t crumble. I realised that I wanted to try. I didn’t want a life without him. The job could go. In fact it would have to go under the circumstances, but I wanted Michael, warts and all. Now I needed to know he felt the same—now that it was just us and the naked truth.

I was still feeling very insecure, our background differences really bothered me—he was born with a silver spoon where I had a sod of turf. His education and upbringing meant he was easy and confident in “refined” company, whereas I was still somewhat intimidated by people I considered “better” than me. I could see their faults too, but I always assumed my faults were worse. I was brought up to be mannerly, etc., but the nuances of “society” were sometimes beyond me and I didn’t want to be an embarrassment to him. I was afraid these issues would be divisive in the end and therefore was afraid to give myself totally. I was going to have to learn to trust him, myself, and our love. And after such a bad start, that wasn’t going to be easy.

At about eight-thirty, James offered to call me a cab, but Michael said he would drop me home as we still had a lot to talk about. James reminded me to consider the offer seriously, that he really wanted me to take the position, regardless of what agreement Michael and I came to as a couple. The offer was independent of our relationship. I thanked him again and assured him that I would give it serious consideration.

* * *

In the car on the way to Knightsbridge, Michael mentioned the offer for the first time. He made no secret of his anxiety when he first heard about Myra looking to move on. He told me he knew it would complicate things as he would have to tell me what his planned future role was. And James had just pressured him into making his decision that same day as he wanted to announce his retirement at the party. Apparently he was suffering from high blood pressure and high cholesterol and his doctor had warned him he had to take things easier.

“So am I to take it that you’re definitely staying in England then?” I asked. He hadn’t even officially told me that much yet.

“Of course I am. Or at least I was. I’m not so sure now.”

“Oh, no, you’re not laying that one at my door; that’s a decision you have to make for yourself, it’s your life.”

“Well, as I said earlier, I was kind of hoping it might be
our
life, Shiv,” he said softly.

“Can we just get through the next few days without complicating them more? I’ve a lot to think about; please?” I beseeched. He reluctantly nodded his assent.

When we got to Knightsbridge, he gathered the saplings and the bread wrapper from the car, reminding me of my threat.

“So what’s a birch?” I asked when we got through the door.

“What?” Then his face registered the question. “Oh, yeah, I said I wanted to birch you. It’s just a bunch of twigs tied together, like an old-fashioned flogger.”

“Show me how to make it,” I demanded. He got some electrical tape from the drawer, cut the saplings to the same size, pared the twigs and leaves from them, and bound them together at one end with the tape.

“Bend over, see what it feels like,” he said seductively. I could feel my body shiver in anticipation.

“Nope, you first. I am going to teach you a lesson in honesty and trust,” I said firmly.

His face was a picture. I wished that I could have captured it on camera. The blood drained from it and he was ashen under his tan. He was bricking it. Well, hell, rub it into him, how many times did he have me in that position? And he never showed me any mercy. Well, he did once, with the anal plug, but never in a spanking. I decided to start at his preferred level, twenty strokes. His face blanched still further when I passed sentence.

“You know the drill, you’ve made me do it often enough,” I added cruelly.

He didn’t dare refuse. He knew that if I was to take his atonement seriously, he was going to have to step up to the plate. I swiped the birch along my thigh a couple of times to get the feel of it. It was an impressive implement, all right. It didn’t need a lot of power to pack a punch. The numerous twigs meant that its might was in its range—each stroke covered a large area, both like switches and then the tips were like beestings. He was getting a rough introduction, no doubt about it, but I was kind of looking forward to experiencing the sensation myself one day and soon, preferably. Already I was back to thinking of us as if we were a couple, I noticed.