My Name Is River Blue (18 page)

As I ran away
from Tolley House, I knew that I might be making things worse for me, but in my
state of mind, I thought my best move was to leave the house. I wasn't sure if
Hal would send me back to Stockwell for disobeying him, but I was confident
that he would have me locked away if I assaulted him.

***

When I reached the
park, I hit the trail and then the track. As usual, running calmed me and
helped clear my head. After a few laps, I began to worry about what Hal would
do. I knew that I shouldn't have disobeyed, yelled, or used profanity, and I
especially shouldn't have threatened him. Why did Hal have to be so stupid? Why
couldn't he have discussed it with me last night? He was smart enough to know
how I would react. Was that it? Did Hal try to anger me? Did he want me back in
Stockwell?

I wondered what
Miss Martin and Jenny thought. Would they support Hal if he wanted to call my parole
officer? Should I run before my PO sends the cops to pick me up? The more I
thought about it, the more I believed that Hal didn't have the nerve to call,
and I thought that there was a good chance that once I was gone, Jenny and Miss
Martin spoke to him and pointed out his mistake that led to our fight. The
women were probably discussing a way to make things right between Hal and me
because they were peacemakers. That was their thing.

I pictured Ant,
his eyes as big as manhole covers, as he listened to the confrontation. I wondered
how he felt about being my roommate since he looked scared enough to piss his
pants. I hated sharing my room, and provided I still had a home there, I
thought that at least Ant would be too afraid to bother me.

By the time I
began my last two laps at a cool down pace, I noticed that Papa was watching
from the bleachers. I figured that my house parents or Miss Martin had called
him about my unapproved trip to the park and asked him to find me. I jogged over
to Papa and discovered that I was correct.

Papa and I calmly
discussed my earlier scene with Hal Mackey. He asked me to tell him what
happened, including everything that I said to Hal. When I was done, Papa agreed
that Hal should have asked for my cooperation the previous night. Even so, he
said that Hal's mistake didn't warrant my display of disrespectful behavior and
disobedience. He said that I should have obeyed Hal and set up a time to
discuss my concerns with him in private.

Papa never raised
his voice, but he was obviously upset and disappointed in me. In confidence, he
told me about Hal's background as a victim of bullying during his school years.
He wanted me to understand how I could hurt someone more than I intended when I
lost control. He told me that I should be very grateful that Hal was going to give
me another chance rather than calling my parole officer, but he stressed that I
might not be so lucky next time. Papa's clear message was that I had to control
my temper, and he ordered me to think about our discussion while I ran some
more laps.

"You're
gonna to punish me now?" I asked.

"Yes,
River. I don't believe in putting it off." Papa pointed at the track.
"Get to running and don't stop until I tell you. While you're running, think
about what you did and what other punishment you deserve. I'll think about the
same, and we can see what Hal thinks about it after you have apologized to
everyone."

"Yes,
sir."

My emotions were
all over the place as I ran the track. At first, I didn't think that I deserved
any more punishment than running laps because Hal started the whole thing.
Right after that thought, I realized that I was rationalizing my poor behavior.
As Papa said, I was lucky that I was not on my way back to Stockwell, and I
knew that I had to accept whatever punishment the adults decided to give me. I
just hoped that they didn't confine me to the house.

I don't know how
many miles I ran that day, but I'm sure that it set a record for me. Papa never
did tell me to stop, so I ran until my legs turned to rubber, and I couldn't
run anymore. The morning was long gone when I stretched out on the bleacher to
recover while Papa left to retrieve a light lunch for us.

When I calmed
down enough that my stomach could handle food, Papa and I ate sandwiches in the
park. We acted as if it were a normal day and talked for a long time on a
variety of subjects. He would discuss anything I wanted, and I enjoyed our
talks because I always came away feeling that I had learned something new and
valuable.

Papa reminded me
of my Stockwell English teacher, Mr. Klein, who helped me so much with my
grammar. Papa was determined to continue Mr. Klein's work, and he always
corrected my grammar when we chatted. We made a game of it, and I was dumb
enough to agree that starting the following day, I would do pushups for each
error I made if he had already corrected me on it. If my grammar had been as
bad as it was before Mr. Klein helped me, I would have pushed my way to China.

It was easy to
forget about Hal and Tolley House when I was enjoying my time with Papa, but it
was soon time to return to the group home where I would have to apologize, listen
to another lecture, and find out what my additional punishment was.

Some of my
foster brothers were playing baseball, and others were probably selling weed
somewhere in the woods along the jogging trail. I was glad that we were leaving
the park early enough that they would not be home in time to hear me groveling
to Hal.

***

Miss Martin had
to leave because of a medical emergency with her mother, so there was only Hal,
Jenny, Ant, and Papa with me in the family room where I apologized for my
behavior and promised to do better. I was surprised that Hal accepted
responsibility for making a poor decision, which he admitted initiated the
argument. He told me that we both needed to work together to reconcile our
differences and to forgive each other for things we may have done or said that
were out of line. I thought he was primarily directing that statement at me for
threatening him.

Jenny made a
point that there was too much tension between me and everyone else and that it
would be much easier on all of us if I were more approachable. I disagreed but
kept my opinion to myself. It wasn't my fault that my adult housefather was too
spineless to
approach
me about helping out the new kid. What Hal did
would have made anyone angry, and I couldn't change the fact that I got pissed
off when people screwed with my life and disrespected me.

My problem
wasn't that Hal's stupidity made me angry. My problem was that I had trouble
controlling
that anger, and
that
is what I needed to change. Instead of losing my
temper, I had to think, choose my words carefully, and act more mature. I
didn't want to let an incident like the one with Hal cost me another four years
of my life.

I planned to do
my chores, obey the rules, and control my temper but that didn't mean that I
would be the house puppy, eager to please everyone for a pat on the head. I
wasn't going to volunteer to do anything extra for anyone unless I got
something out of it. As far as the others feeling uncomfortable around me, if
they were tense, they made themselves that way. All they had to do was ignore
me the way I ignored them. If they didn't want anything from me, then my
approachability wouldn't matter. I wasn't going to act all warm and fuzzy so
that everyone in the house would be asking me for favors and trying to make their
problems my problems.

The adults
continued to show off their wisdom to each other, and I appeared to soak up
their words and nod my head at the appropriate times. When the discussion
ended, they looked pleased after rattling off crap they believed made them look
smart and in control. In their minds, it was a difficult situation, but they
handled it and taught the poor misguided kid a valuable lesson. After really "connecting"
with me, they were sure that our talk would improve the harmony in the
house. I was waiting for them to wrap their arms around each other and sing
some catchy folk song about the brotherhood of man.

I didn't
understand how Hal and Jenny could talk so much, say so little that mattered,
and think they had solved everything. One sentence would have been more
effective. They should have said, "River, no matter what some dumb-assed
adult says or does that unfairly messes with your life, keep your mouth shut,
or it will be your own fault when you go back to juvie prison."

After the adults
finished preaching, Papa asked me if I had anything to say to Ant. I knew that
was my hint to apologize to the new boy and welcome him to Tolley House. Knowing
what Papa expected, I sounded as sincere as possible when I spoke to Ant.

"I'm sorry
for acting like a jerk on your first day," I said. "I can see how I
made you feel bad, and I hope you'll give me a chance to make it up to you."

I glanced at
Papa, who sternly nodded his head as a signal that I had to say all I had agreed
to say when we discussed it on the way home. I managed to squeeze the words out
of my mouth without choking or gagging. "Ant, it would be really cool if
you spent tomorrow with me at the park if I'm allowed to go."

I checked Papa
again to see if that was good enough. Papa mouthed, "Shake," and I
held out my hand to Ant, who took it with the same wary expression he had worn
since I began my apology. Ant wasn't buying any part of what I was selling, and
we both knew we were acting for the adults. At least my new roommate wasn't
stupid.

It was time to
discuss consequences. Papa told Hal about the laps I had already run and asked
his opinion on further punishment. Hal said that since he was partially
responsible for my outburst that he thought a month of extra chores would be
appropriate. Papa asked if I agreed that Hal was fair, and I admitted that he
was more than fair. I was happy that I wasn't grounded, and I could hardly
believe that Hal would let me disrespect him that way and not punish me more.
He probably should have paddled my butt, given me the extra chores, and
grounded me for a month.

"Okay,"
said Papa. "River, anything else you want to say?"

At the same time
that Papa and I had discussed what I would say to Ant, he told me that I should
end things with a specific apology to Hal. I did my best to remember the
suggestions Papa had given me.

"Hal, I
want to say again how sorry I am. No matter how upset I was, there's no good
excuse for how I acted, and it won't ever happen again. Thanks for giving me
another chance."

Hal and I shook
hands, and we agreed that we were ready to put the incident behind us. I was
happy to end the discussion.

Papa accepted
the Mackeys' invitation to stay for dinner and a movie. Hal and Jenny always
planned for everyone in the house to be together on a new boy's first night, so
he would begin to feel part of the family. I usually avoided group activities
unless I had no choice, but that night with Papa watching me, I thought it was
a good idea to show that I was trying to get along with everyone.

There was little
point in paying attention to the movie because the boys' loud voices made it
impossible to follow the plot. Jenny made bags of popcorn, which I hated
smelling because she always left them in the microwave long enough to scorch
the bags. Since there were so many boys wolfing down the popcorn, she had to
repeat the popping process until the air was thick with the burned buttery
popcorn odor that was nauseating to me.

When Papa
announced that he had to leave, I jumped for the opportunity to walk with him out
the front door and into the warm summer night. It was ten o'clock, but the full
moon gave plenty of light. We stopped at his truck, and I awkwardly waited for
Papa to speak first while I pretended to clean a dirty spot on his truck with
my shirttail. I had not been alone with him since he brought me home from the
park, and I wasn't sure if things were okay between us.

"River, I'm
proud that you made your apologies," said Papa.

I shrugged my
shoulders and stared at my bare feet. A lightening bug glowed between Papa and
me before easing away from us. When I lived in Minnows, Ricky and I caught a
jarful of the bugs and hid them under his bed. We planned to use the jar as a
nightlight, but since we had no holes in the jar lid, they were dead by the
next day.

"Look at
me." Papa used his hand to raise my chin until he could see my eyes. "You
become a better man when you know you were wrong and apologize because it's the
right thing to do."

I didn't say
anything and Papa continued.

"River, I
can't pretend to know how many times you've been hurt, and what that was like
for you, but don't let old hurts rule the rest of your life. I would really
like to see you drop your guard a little and show more of the good kid that I
know you are. If people see the good in you, you're going to make some great
friends and change your life for the better."

I heard
everything that Papa said, but I was tired of lectures. "Are you still
meeting me at the park in the morning?"

Papa sighed. "Yes,
River. I'm meeting you there just like I promised you, and you're bringing Ant,
just like you promised
him
."

I audibly
groaned and fought to control my frustration over the idea of sharing my time with
Papa. I had watched him chatting with Ant earlier that night. They got along
well, and they were even laughing together. After disappointing Papa that day,
I was paranoid, and I didn't want Papa to decide that Ant was less trouble than
I was. "Why are you making me bring him? You're supposed to be
my
mentor,
not
his
."