My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me (25 page)

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Authors: KATE BERNHEIMER

BOOK: My Mother She Killed Me, My Father He Ate Me
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When I was a kid in the suburbs of Chicago my family had a copy of the stories of Hans Christian Andersen, with beautiful, rather grotesque illustrations by Arthur Rackham, which I found so terrifying that I could not only not open the book but could not, on some of my more delicate days, enter the living room in which the book was shelved. This terror metamorphosed eventually, naturally, into fascination, and one day when I was six I forced myself to take down the book, open it, and gaze unflinchingly, unaccompanied, at its pictures. I believed that that day, I became a man.
I was particularly enamored of “The Wild Swans.” I’ll spare us all any meditations on the alluring power, to a rather odd suburban child, of a story that involved one of twelve princes who emerged at story’s end redeemed and restored up to a point, but destined to bear a swan’s wing instead of his right arm, because his beloved sister hadn’t had quite enough time to make all twelve of the required magic cloaks. What more could possibly be said about that?
—MC
KAREN JOY FOWLER
Halfway People
THUNDER, WIND, AND WAVES. YOU IN YOUR CRADLE. YOU’VE NEVER heard these noises before and they are making you cry.
Here, child. Let me wrap you in a blanket and my arms, take you to the big chair by the fire, and tell you a story. My father’s too old and deaf to hear and you too young to understand. If you were older or he younger, I couldn’t tell it, this story so dangerous that tomorrow I must forget it entirely and make up another.
But a story never told is also a danger, particularly to the people in it. So here, tonight, while I remember.
It starts with a girl named Maura, which is my name, too.
 
In the winter, Maura lives by the sea. In the summer, she doesn’t. In the summer, she and her father rent two shabby rooms inland and she walks every morning to the coast, where she spends the day washing and changing bedding, sweeping the sand off the floors, scouring, and dusting. She does this for many summer visitors, including the ones who live in her house. Her father works at a big hotel on the point. He wears a blue uniform, opens the heavy front door for guests and closes it behind them. At night, Maura and her father walk on tired feet back to their rooms. Sometimes it’s hard for Maura to remember that this was ever different.
But when she was little, she lived by the sea in all seasons. It was a lonely coast then, a place of rocky cliffs, forests, wild winds, and beaches of coarse sand. Maura could play from morning to night and never see another person, only gulls and dolphins and seals. Her father was a fisherman.
Then a doctor who lived in the capital began to recommend the sea air to his wealthy patients. A businessman built the hotel and shipped in finer sand. Pleasure boats with colored sails filled the fishing berths. The coast became fashionable, though nothing could be done about the winds.
One day the landlord came to tell Maura’s father that he’d rented out their home to a wealthy friend. It was just for two weeks and for so much money, he could only say yes. The landlord said it would happen this once, and they could move right back when the two weeks were over.
But the next year he took it for the entire summer and then for every summer after that. The winter rent was also raised.
Maura’s mother was still alive then. Maura’s mother loved their house by the ocean. The inland summers made her pale and thin. She sat for hours at the window watching the sky for the southward migrations, the turn of the season. Sometimes she cried and couldn’t say why.
Even when winter came, she was unhappy. She felt the lingering presence of the summer guests, their sorrows and troubles as chilled spaces she passed through in the halls and doorways. When she sat in her chair, the back of her neck was always cold; her fingers fretted and she couldn’t stay still.
But Maura liked the bits of clues the summer people left behind—a strange spoon in a drawer, a half-eaten jar of jam on a shelf, the ashes of papers in the fireplace. She made up stories from them of different lives in different places. Lives worthy of stories.
The summer people brought gossip from the court and tales from even farther away. A woman had grown a pumpkin as big as a carriage in her garden, hollowed it out, and slept there, which for some reason couldn’t be allowed, so now there was a law against sleeping in pumpkins. A new country had been found where the people had hair all over their bodies and ran about on their hands and feet like dogs, but were very musical. A child had been born in the east who could look at anyone and know how they would die, which frightened his neighbors so much, they’d killed him, as he’d always known they would. A new island had risen in the south, made of something too solid to be water and too liquid to be earth. The king had a son.
 
The summer Maura turned nine years old, her mother was all bone and eyes and bloody coughing. One night, her mother came to her bed and kissed her. “Keep warm,” she whispered, in a voice so soft Maura was never certain she hadn’t dreamed it. Then Maura’s mother walked from the boardinghouse in her nightgown and was never seen again. Now it was Maura’s father who grew thin and pale.
One year later, he returned from the beach in great excitement. He’d heard her mother’s voice in the surf. She’d said she was happy now, repeated it in every wave. He began to tell Maura bedtime stories in which her mother lived in underwater palaces and ate off golden clamshells. Sometimes in these stories her mother was a fish. Sometimes a seal. Sometimes a woman. He watched Maura closely for signs of her mother’s afflictions. But Maura was her father’s daughter, able to travel in her mind and stay put in her body.
Years passed. One summer day, a group of young men arrived while Maura was still cleaning the seaside house. They stepped into the kitchen, threw their bags onto the floor, and raced one another down to the water. Maura didn’t know that one had stayed behind until he spoke. “Which is your room?” he asked her. He had hair the color of sand.
She took him to her bedroom with its whitewashed walls, feather-filled pillows, window of buckled glass. He put his arms around her, breath in her ear. “I’ll be in your bed tonight,” he said. And then he released her and she left, her blood passing through her veins so quickly, she was never sure which she had wanted more, to be held or let go.
More years. The capital became a place where books and heretics were burned. The king died and his son became king, but he was a young king and it was really the archbishop who ruled. The pleasure-loving summer people said little about this or anything else. Even on the coast, they feared the archbishop’s spies.
A man Maura might have married wed a summer girl instead. Maura’s father grew old and hard of hearing, though if you looked him straight in the face when you spoke, he understood you well enough. If Maura minded seeing her former suitor walking along the cliffs with his wife and children, if her father minded no longer being able to hear her mother’s voice in the waves, they never said so to each other.
The hotel had let her father go at the end of the last summer. They were very sorry, they told Maura, since he’d worked there so long. But guests had been complaining that they had to shout to make him hear, and he seemed with age to have sunk into a general confusion. Addled, they said.
Without his earnings, Maura and her father wouldn’t make the winter rent. They had this one more winter and then would never live by the sea again. It was another thing they didn’t say to each other. Possibly her father didn’t know.
One morning, Maura realized that she was older than her mother had been on the night she’d disappeared. She realized that it had been many years since anyone had wondered aloud in her presence why such a pretty young girl wasn’t married.
To shake off the sadness of these thoughts, she went for a walk along the cliffs. The wind was bitter and whipped the ends of her hair against her cheeks so hard they stung. She was about to go back when she saw a man wrapped in a great black cape. He stood without moving, staring down at the water and the rocks. He was so close to the cliff edge, Maura was afraid he meant to jump.
There now, child. This is the wrong time to go to sleep. Maura is about to fall in love.
 
Maura walked toward the man, carefully so as not to startle him. She reached out to touch him, then took hold of his arm through the thick cape. He didn’t respond. When she turned him from the cliff, his eyes were empty, his face like glass. He was younger than she’d thought. He was many years younger than she.
“Come away from the edge,” she told him, and still he gave no sign of hearing, but allowed himself to be led, step by slow step, back to the house.
“Where did he come from?” her father asked. “How long will he stay? What is his name?” And then he turned to address those same questions to the man himself. There was no answer.
Maura took the man’s cape from him. One of his arms was an arm. The other was a wing of white feathers.
 
Someday, little one, you’ll come to me with a wounded bird. It can’t fly, you’ll say, because it’s too little or someone threw a stone or a cat mauled it. We’ll bring it inside and put it in a warm corner, make a nest of old towels. We’ll feed it with our hands and protect it, if we can, if it lives, until it’s strong enough to leave us. As we do this, you’ll be thinking of the bird, but I’ll be thinking of how Maura once did all those things for a wounded man with a single wing.
Her father went to his room. Soon Maura heard him snoring. She made the young man tea and a bed by the fire. That first night, he couldn’t stop shaking. He shook so hard Maura could hear his upper teeth banging against his lower teeth. He shivered and sweated until she lay down beside him, put her arms about him, and calmed him with stories, some of them true, about her mother, her life, the people who’d stayed in this house and drowsed through summer mornings in this room.
She felt the tension leave his body. As he slept, he turned onto his side, curled against her. His wing spread across her shoulder, her breasts. She listened all night, sometimes awake and sometimes in dreams, to his breathing. No woman in the world could sleep a night under that wing and not wake up in love.
He recovered slowly from his fevers and sweats. When he was strong enough, he found ways to make himself useful, though he seemed to know nothing about those tasks that keep a house running. One of the panes in the kitchen window had slipped its channel. If the wind blew east off the ocean, the kitchen smelled of salt and sang like a bell. Maura’s father couldn’t hear it, so he hadn’t fixed it. Maura showed the young man how to true it up, his one hand soft between her two.
Soon her father had forgotten how recently he’d arrived and began to call him
my son
and
your brother
. His name, he told Maura, was Sewell. “I wanted to call him Dillon,” her father said. “But your mother insisted on Sewell.”
Sewell remembered nothing of his life before, believing himself to be, as he’d been told, the old man’s son. He had such beautiful manners. He made Maura feel cared for, attended to in a way she’d never been before. He treated her with all the tenderness a boy could give his sister. Maura told herself it was enough.
She worried about the summer that was coming. Sewell fit into their winter life. She saw no place for him in summer. She was outside, putting laundry on the line, when a shadow passed over her, a great flock of white birds headed toward the sea. She heard them calling, the low-pitched, sonorous sound of horns. Sewell ran from the house, his face turned up, his wing open and beating like a heart. He remained there until the birds had vanished over the water. Then he turned to Maura. She saw his eyes and knew that he’d come back into himself. She could see it was a sorrowful place to be.
But he said nothing and neither did she, until that night, after her father had gone to bed. “What’s your name?” she asked.
He was silent awhile. “You’ve both been so kind to me,” he said finally. “I never imagined such kindness at the hands of strangers. I’d like to keep the name you gave me.”
“Can the spell be broken?” Maura asked then, and he looked at her in confusion. She gestured to his wing.
“This?” he said, raising it. “This
is
the spell broken.”

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