My Most Excellent Year (4 page)
Read My Most Excellent Year Online
Authors: Steve Kluger
RFK | JFK |
Stuck it to Mississippi and integrated the colleges there. | Hid under the desk so nobody would snap at his ass by mistake. |
Told his brother not to fall for a war in Vietnam. | Told his wife to decorate the White House. |
Figured out a navy blockade of Cuba instead of an invasion so that we wouldn’t give Russia an excuse to toast us with missiles. | Played with Marilyn Monroe’s underwear. |
Yeah. That was like a really good idea. Alé called me an empty-headed buffalo and walked to science class with Andy Wexler.
Mama, I wish you could have stayed with us long enough to teach me about girls. Pop is clueless.
I love you,
T.C.
NAME:
T.C. Keller
CLASS:
Mrs. Fitzpatrick
ALGEBRA QUIZ
QUESTION: Factor x
2
-y
2
ANSWER:
x
2
-y
2
= (x+y) (x-y)
However, I have some questions too. What do I need this in my life for? Am I going to get a job in an XY factory? Am I going to go to work at Ben & Jerry’s selling XY ice cream cones? No. My dad and I are going to build houses and offices buildings, but out of bricks and glass, not out of X and Y. Right?
T.C.: Please see me after 6th period about this.—Lori
Dear Mama,
Up until this year, I could always turn a B− into a B or a C into a C+ just by throwing the enemy off the scent.
(QUESTION: What is the significance of December 1? ANSWER:
1955. Rosa Parks said no when they told her to stand up in the bus. Then civil rights happened. In 1949 the Sox got Al Papai from the Browns. He once tripped over the chalk line on his way off the field. We’d have
been better off with Rosa Parks.) And they’d always fall for it. At the bottom it would say things like “T.C., a little more history and a little less Red Sox, please” or “T.C., thanks for the travelogue,” and the grade at the top was usually five points higher than it should have been. But not this time. “
T.C.: Please see me after 6th period about this.
” Not even from my teacher, but from my adviser. Notice how she couldn’t have said “See me at lunch” or given me a hint about how deep a hole I was in. No. That isn’t the way it works. You have to suffer first. Like I don’t have enough things on my mind.
English notes
: Puck blew a few sparks in his hard drive and zapped the wrong guy by mistake. Alé’s hair is long and black and falls down across her back like it doesn’t even care.
History notes
: We fought the British again in the War of 1812. Nobody knows why. Maybe a battle during the Revolution got rained out and this was their makeup game. I need Alé to wear the light yellow dress with the red and pink flowers on it again. It makes her skin look like an oil painting.
Science notes
: The telegraph got invented. Alé sneezed. So I sneezed back. She didn’t even look over her shoulder, even though she
had
to know it was me. Alexander Graham Bell discovered the telephone. His first words to Mr. Watson on the other end were “
T.C.: Please see me after 6th period about this.
” Then it was the end of 6
th
period.
The way to Lori’s office is down a green hall with lockers on both sides. Not even posters of Halloween Week or anything else that has color in it. No. Just green.
Dark
green. It’s a long hall anyway, but it was even longer today.
TCKeller:
If I don’t come back alive, cut me out in little stars and I will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will fall in love with night and pay no attention to the garish sun.
AugieHwong:
Olivia DeHavilland said it better in
Gone With the Wind
. “Take care of my Ashley, Scarlett.” Less is more, Tick.
Lori was already standing in the doorway with that kind of a smile on her face that people always have when they’re going to ruin a kid’s life.
“T.C.?” she began.
Translation:
Any last words?
If she was anybody else, I might have noticed her light brown hair and the way the bottom half of her dress swishes just the right way when she walks. But I didn’t. Instead, I came up with a sudden-death play before it was too late.
“Um—boys’ room,” I said while I was bending over so it’d look real. “Be right back.” Then I ran for it.
I didn’t really have to go, but it was the only chance I had. Once the lav door closed all the way behind me, I hid in a stall and flipped open my cell phone. When Pop’s at work, the only calls he takes are mine.
“Tony C?”
“Why do I need algebra in my life?”
“It teaches you how to solve problems and weigh variables and factor out the crap. But you didn’t hear that from
me
.”
“Got it in the back pocket. Peace out, dude.”
After that I put my cell phone away and peed for good luck. I was untouchable.
S
TUDENT
/A
DVISER
C
ONFERENCE
Lori Mahoney/Anthony C. Keller
LORI: | How much is (x+y) |
T.C.: | x |
LORI: | You got that one wrong on the algebra quiz. |
T.C. | It was October 2. The anniversary of the day my parents met each other and Bucky F. Dent hit the home run. My mind was thinking about that instead. |
LORI: | Je suis, tu es, vous |
T.C.: | Êtes |
LORI: | You got that wrong on the French quiz. |
T.C.: | Probably a brain fart. |
LORI: | T.C., you’re an A student with a B+ average. Why? |
T.C.: | I’m a B+ kind of kid? |
LORI: | I need a better answer than that. |
T.C.: | Everybody knows that only posers get A’s. And I’m not a poser. I’m a chip off the old block. |
LORI: | Maybe. But you still don’t understand why you need algebra. |
T.C.: | Sure I do. It teaches me how to solve problems. And weigh variables. And factor out the crap. |
LORI: | How do you know that?! |
T.C.: | Doesn’t everybody? |
A long time ago I never thought I was going to like school the way you said I would. Because after you left, I didn’t even know how to get kids to talk to me anymore. I remember being in first grade and doing weird things like wearing my shirts backwards or drawing Saturn on my arms just to see if anybody would ask me how come. But nobody ever did. Some of the guys instead wore their shirts backwards too like they were making fun of me, so I pretended I didn’t notice and waited to cry until I got home. I told Pop it was because I was still sad.
When we were seven and pretending we were knights, Augie killed a dragon to save my life. But if you were still here he wouldn’t have had to.
I love you,
T.C.
L
AURENTS
S
CHOOL
B
ROOKLINE
, M
ASSACHUSETTS
VIA E-MAIL
Dear Ted:
Please. You’ve got to stop bailing Anthony out of a leaky skiff. “It teaches me how to weigh variables.” Did he call you on his cell or are you hot-wired directly into his head?
While we’re here, I need to warn you that their first out-of-class projects are going to be assigned in three weeks. They’re studying the history of the nation’s capital and they’ll be asked to build models of their favorite landmarks. Let’s not have a replay of fourth grade. A 200-foot Washington Monument that lights up in eighteen different colors won’t be greeted with a sense of humor.
Know what? I’m in charge of 91 kids, and you’re the biggest discipline problem I’ve got.
Lori
K
ELLER
C
ONSTRUCTION
BOSTON • GLOUCESTER • WALTHAM
ELECTRONIC TRANSMISSION
Dear Lori:
First of all, how do you know he doesn’t have a crush on you? Maybe the B+ thing is a way to guarantee that you’ll call him into your office at least once a month for a one-on-one. When you think about it, it’s a pretty provocative ruse for a kid.
Second of all, Tony C did all of the work on the planetarium and the map. I just helped out with the odd jobs like hammering, nailing, building motors, and painting. Period.
Third of all, if you’d finally agree to go out with me, I wouldn’t have to subvert the entire school system just to get you to send me notes. Like father, like son. And I’m only half kidding. This is the first time since Nikki died that I’ve found someone who might actually be able to coax me back onto the field of play. So you’d better think about it unless you want a life-sized replica of the Iwo Jima statue (in bronze).
Ted
P.S. Besides, we’ve had one date already. So it’s out there.
L
AURENTS
S
CHOOL
B
ROOKLINE
, M
ASSACHUSETTS
VIA E-MAIL
Dear Ted:
What’s
out there?? That wasn’t a date, it was a chance encounter at Starbucks. And I paid for both Fraps.
Anthony doesn’t have a crush on me and you know it. He idolizes his father, who—improbably—earned a B.A. from B.U. with a B+. But that was 1974. It’s 2003. “A” is the new “B+.”
I’m not going out with you because I’m your son’s adviser. But if I weren’t, I might. Unless you were serious about the statue. Then you’d be out of luck.
—The Field of Play
K
ELLER
C
ONSTRUCTION
BOSTON • GLOUCESTER • WALTHAM
ELECTRONIC TRANSMISSION
Dear F.O.P.:
Don’t worry about Tony C. He knows how to go for the gold when it’s time. So does his dad.
TK
www.augiehwong.com
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