Read My Most Excellent Year Online
Authors: Steve Kluger
Now I know why Hucky believes in chalk pavements pictures. Right now, I’m ready to believe just about
any
thing.
Fondly,
Alejandra
AugieHwong:
“Mrs. Packer, I just can’t sing a song called ‘I Am Ashamed That Women Are So Simple.’” In front of my eyes you turned into Helen Lawson. “Get rid of the ballad!” “Fire Neely O’Hara!” “Set up a couple bottles of the grape!” Oh God, you were HEAVEN!
AlePerez:
What happened with you and Andy? And why haven’t you told us?
AugieHwong:
It’s over, that’s all. He doesn’t get me. Big deal. Slow curtain. The End.
AlePerez:
Are you okay?
AugieHwong:
I still love him, if that’s what you mean. But Dad says it fades after a while. The weird thing is that I’m not sure I want it to.
Don’t worry. “Good times and bum times, I’ve seen them all and, my dear, I’m still here.”
EMAIL FROM | LISA WEI HWONG |
Dear Alé,
You’re an angel. I’ve been trying to do something about “I Am Ashamed That Women Are So Simple” ever since I first heard it twenty-two years ago and assumed it was a practical joke.
If you’re keeping a list, the next horror to be eliminated is that ghastly monkey’s paw from
Fiorello!
“I’ll Marry the Very Next Man.” With lyrics like “Who cares how frequently he strikes me?” and “I’ll fetch his slippers with my arm in a sling,” even Jack the Ripper would have been embarrassed.
Wei
AlePerez:
Did you find anything out?
TCKeller:
He just says it’s over. I hate it when he puts on his game face with me. What does he think I’m
here
for??
AlePerez:
Who broke it off—Augie or Andy?
TCKeller:
Augie did. What’s up with
that
?? When my brother commits to something, he’s like a puppy who won’t let go of his favorite sock.
AlePerez:
I know. And it spills over. Remember his UPI bulletin the week after Thanksgiving, when they’d held hands for the third time? At 12:34 in the morning he e-mailed me a Barbra Streisand song called “If You Were the Only Boy in the World” and promised it would “lull me to sleep faster than five milligrams of Xanax on an empty stomach.”
TCKeller:
Why couldn’t you sleep?
AlePerez:
I was having trouble making up my mind about something.
TCKeller:
Did it help?
AlePerez:
No.
TCKeller:
Oh.
Alé, would it be okay with you if we could rewind to the first day and just be friends? Without all of my secret plans to make you fall for me? Because I figured out over Christmas that I need to know we can always count on each other no matter what. Okay?
AlePerez:
Did somebody actually talk you into
trying
that old routine??
TCKeller:
Uh, yeah. Pop did. He said I’d know when the moment was right.
AlePerez:
He was also born in 1952. Things have changed since then. And you both deserve a time-out.
Dear Jacqueline,
Another plot between father and son. “Would it be okay with you if we could rewind to the first day and just be friends?” Honestly. At least the “um” possessed a peculiar sort of subtlety. Even a blockhead like Helena wouldn’t have fallen for
this
one. Do men really think we’re all idiots?? But if we’re not, why did Anthony suddenly get cuter?
Dinner was supposed to have been about our baseball diamond, but that only took ten minutes. In fact, the hangaburs hadn’t even made it to the table yet.
MANZANAR BATTLE PLAN—PHASE 2
At his insistence, we met at the Brookline Café so we could sit in the Bobby Kennedy booth. Of course, the waiter had no idea which of the two seats the tantrum-throwing attorney general had actually occupied—but we figured it was probably the one by the window, so that’s where I made Anthony sit. He was welcome to any karma that still lingered, though personally I’d have gotten rid of it all with Lysol. Wouldn’t it be funny if everyone who sat there became whiny and self-centered?
It turns out that the Brookline Café—despite a menu that spells
“spinach” with a t—holds a place of honor in the Keller family, since it’s where Anthony’s father took his mother on their first unofficial date together. Anthony is always so hesitant when he speaks of her that when he awkwardly showed me the picture he’s begun carrying in his wallet, I was momentarily startled—though I could see instantly who gave him his blue eyes. She reminded me of a young Emma Thompson, only lovelier. Evidently, Ted and Nikki met at Fenway Park on an October afternoon in 1978 when an annual fluke put the Red Sox one game away from the American League playoffs, as though they actually deserved to be there.
“Pop’s scalper on Kenmore Square charged him $215 for Infield Grandstand Section 20, Seat 103,” confided Anthony, “and Mama’s scalper on Yawkey Way only charged her $125 for Infield Grandstand Section 20, Seat 104. She never let him forget it.” (I liked her already.)
They didn’t say much to each other for the first few innings—she brought him a beer and he brought her a hot dog on two separate trips to the concession stand, and that pretty much maxed out the conversation. But as soon as the Red Sox had gone up 2–0, they both began to panic at the same moment—and by the time Bucky F. Dent had come to bat in the seventh inning for the Yankees, with Chris Chambliss and Roy White on base, “Mama and Pop were squeezing each other’s hands like two
Titanic
survivors who were getting ready to jump off the stern together.”
After the Yankees had won it all by the predictable score of 5–4, Ted and Nikki remained in their seats for another stunned half hour without uttering a sound. (Come to think of it, if I’d just spent $340 on two tickets worth $13.80, I’d have taken my time too.) Then they introduced themselves to each other, and “Pop invited Mama to
have dinner with him in Bobby Kennedy’s booth. Mama was sitting where you are.” (I have no information on how she felt about your ratty brother-in-law.)
Ted was a college baseball player with a B.A. from Boston University who wanted to build houses, and Nikki was a Newburyport native with a master’s degree in American history from Brandeis. Boy, did she make him sweat. They didn’t agree on movies, wine, or books, she wouldn’t let him give her flowers, and she never seemed to be at home when he called. (According to Anthony, “She was actually sitting by the answering machine listening, but he didn’t find that out until their second anniversary.”) Finally he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Nikki, this is Ted. These are my terms. I’ll learn to like cabernet, I’ll give
To Kill a Mockingbird
one more shot, and I won’t send roses. But on Saturday night I’m taking you to see
The Buddy Holly Story
in Cambridge and after that we’re going out to dinner. You can pick where. So if you’ve already made other plans, break ’em. And meet me at the theatre at 7:15 because I’m not going to call you again.”
She got there at 7:10. And at 11:30, he kissed her for the first time on the corner of Church Street and Mass Ave.
AlePerez:
Oh, my God. It’s the most romantic story I ever heard.
AugieHwong:
Yeah, Pop knew what he was doing. Did Tick tell you about the star his mom named “Anthony”?
AlePerez:
The one over Plum Island or the one over Maine?
AugieHwong:
Hold it.
I
never knew there was a second one in Maine! Double-crossed again! First Andy, now this. Excuse me while I go shoot myself.
AlePerez:
What happened with Andy?
AugieHwong:
Gender confusion issues. He didn’t exactly appreciate my Yvonne DeCarlo. That’s all I’m saying. I wish I lived in a movie like
Meet Me in St. Louis.
He’d show up at the Christmas dance in his tux, tell me how sorry he was, and we’d get a duet that Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald would sing together at the Oscars.
Anthony was born on February 16, 1989, and even though his mother had been hoping it would happen two days earlier, she still called him “my Valentine baby” for the rest of her life. She helped him figure out Santa Claus’s secret identity (he was really Mr. Zentz at the drugstore), she taught him how to find lost purple balloons (“Watch the sky and remember how much you love it, and it’ll come back to you”), and he even got a letter in the mailbox from the Tooth Fairy, thanking him for the cookie he’d left with his molar.
Then, when he was four, his goldfish Cleo died, and he cried for two nights in a row—not because of Cleo, but because he was afraid that one day his mother was going to die too. So she sat up with him until he finally fell asleep, holding his hand and repeating over and
over, “I’m not going
any
where, and I’ll be here as long as you need me.” That was a month before she found the lump in her breast.
Anthony knew his mother was sick, but when you’re that young there’s no real difference between chicken pox and cancer. Just before she started chemotherapy, she was teaching him how to ride a bicycle by himself. First she’d walk along the sidewalk with him—holding the handlebars so he wouldn’t wobble—and once he’d gotten the hang of it, she’d let go. But somehow he always managed to topple over into the grass. So when he raced into her hospital room three weeks later and jumped onto her bed, the front-page headline was, “Mama! I made it to the end of the street without falling off once!” Nikki immediately broke into a huge smile and wrapped her arms around him tightly.
“Now,
that’s
good news,” she said, kissing the top of his head. “Do you know how proud I am?” And that was the last time he ever saw her. She died the following morning, and all Anthony could remember was “I’ll be here as long as you need me.”
“I was only six,” he mumbled quietly, finishing off his french fries, “so I thought that since I’d told her I could ride a bicycle by myself, maybe she didn’t think I needed her anymore. That’s why I always figured it was my fault. I should have kept my mouth shut.”
There was nothing for me to say. Even if I’d been able to.
AlePerez:
Augie, please tell me he didn’t put himself through all of that.
AugieHwong:
Yeah, he did. He never told anybody but me, and I couldn’t talk him out of it. I
so
should have tipped off Pop. And he wouldn’t ride a bike again until we were ten.
During the walk home, Anthony was back to making plans for our baseball diamond, but I didn’t hear very much of it.
No wonder he’s tracking down Mary Poppins for a six-year-old boy. I could
never
have survived losing my mother. How can there still be room in his heart for Buck Weaver and Manzanar and Hucky and Augie and me too??
Jacqueline, whether or not I ever give the American people majesty, I’m going to fall in love with Anthony Keller anyway. As soon as he learns that all I want him to be is Anthony. Without the ploys and gimmicks.
Why is it so hard to keep them real?
Fondly,
Alejandra