My Map of You (26 page)

He looked so earnest and full of affection, so hopeful that she would say yes and let him look after her. And didn't she deserve to be looked after a bit? She'd spent years looking after herself – ever since she was about ten years old and her mum gave up on her. She tried to picture it: leaving her job at Flash to start a business making clothes from the comfort of Rupert's spacious flat while he was out at work all day; preparing dinner for when he came home each night and ironing his shirts. Wasn't it the thing she'd wanted all along, that sort of stability? Hadn't he just offered her exactly what she'd been secretly hoping he would since they met? It was a bit of a shock, sure, but what was the alternative?

Holly turned away from Rupert and stared across the bay, to where the mountains rose up like majestic warriors
from the ocean. The sun was slowly making its way down the sky and they were edged in a warm golden light.

She allowed herself once again to picture herself and Aidan, side by side on the stony beach where Jenny and Sandra had hidden away in their own private little world. In her head it all looked so tantalising, but the reality was that Aidan wasn't the man she'd thought he was. Hadn't her mum made the same mistake? Picked the wrong man – or the wrong men – over and over again? Hadn't Jenny Wright always picked adventure and excitement over stability and security?

Simon had been the closest thing to a stepdad that Holly ever had, but her mum had torn apart the patchwork squares of love and commitment that he had so painstakingly tried to stitch together in their lives. Jenny had made a lot of mistakes with men, and Holly didn't want to do the same thing. If being here in Zakynthos had taught her anything, it was that there was such a thing as having too much of a good thing. She'd allowed herself to believe in the bubble she had floated around in over the past week, but it wasn't real. Rupert was real. He was sitting here next to her now, holding her hand and asking her to live with him, to be there when he went to sleep every night and when he woke up every morning. What was Aidan offering her? Nothing.

As the first spots of coloured light started to glow from the harbour bars and the pale moon crept up from its resting place down behind the navy curtain of ocean, Holly let herself take Rupert's hand in her own.

‘Okay then, you crazy, sweet man – let's do it.'

The
sun rose the next morning as it always did, wide and bright and unapologetically strong, but Holly felt as if she was looking at it through different eyes. She had woken early and slipped out from under the covers, leaving Rupert looking crumpled but content on the pillow. They'd had dinner on the beach in Laganas the night before, still in their casual clothes from the daytime, the warm evening breeze blowing tendrils of salt-mangled hair off their necks.

She stood now with her back to the house, staring out across the ocean below, and thought about her mother. Jenny Wright had been such a black spot in her mind for so many years, but this morning she was full of colour and ferocious vitality, refusing to stay hidden in the deep recesses of Holly's mind. Now that she'd been to so many of the places her mum had loved, gazed at the same stunning views, eaten off the same tables and scrunched her toes through the sand on the same beaches where Jenny had once been so happy, she felt as if she understood her better. But there was still a gaping hole there, a chasm of emptiness inside her, where the last few years' worth of memories festered. What had happened to turn her bright, beautiful mother into a bitter and sick individual?

I should have let someone else take you in.

Even knowing that her mother's addiction was a sickness didn't stop the recollection of those words stinging
Holly like the lash of a whip. Just thinking about it made her wince, all these years later. She had a real chance now to put her past behind her and embark on a future with Rupert, but yet here she was, lurking out here all alone having sneaked away from him.

She heard the sound of Aidan's back door opening too late to move, so instead she remained rooted to the spot, stubbornly refusing to turn her head. Phelan, presumably let out to have a morning wee, seemed to sense that even he wasn't welcome, and shuffled to an uneasy standstill just a few feet behind her. There was a palpable silence, and she knew that Aidan must be standing there. She could feel the force of his glare burning a smouldering hole into her back, but still she didn't move. Aidan was just one complication too much for her at the moment.

Eventually, as the sun rose higher in the sky and the surface of the water started to sparkle like discarded Christmas tinsel, Holly heard the sound of his door closing gently behind him.

‘I can't believe I have to fly home today.'

Rupert was gazing up at her, his blue eyes ringed with sleep and a mosquito bite rising on his cheek. She'd managed to slip back under the covers next to him undetected, and now she reached across and stroked his hair.

‘I know. I wish you could stay too,' she told him, meaning it. ‘But I'll be back myself in a few days. I have to stay and deal with this estate agent that's coming round later.'

‘Are you sure you want to sell?' Rupert asked. It was the first time he'd questioned the decision since reading the original letter.

‘Yes.' She nodded at him. ‘It's beautiful here, but I want to put the past in the past, like you said. And anyway, I'll need some money to start this business of mine, won't I?'

‘You're an amazing person, you know that?' He had started to kiss her neck, and Holly felt a stab of guilt amidst the familiar flutterings of lust.

‘I'm really not,' she argued, but he silenced her with a kiss.

Sex with Rupert, she realised afterwards, was rather like eating a huge custard doughnut: it felt amazing at the time, but didn't really provide you with any lasting goodness. Still, she scolded herself, being able to do something that felt amazing whenever you wanted could never be called a bad thing. In fact, after the intensity of Aidan, being with Rupert was like slipping into her comfiest clothes. She knew how to be and how to make him happy and, as she watched him skip off for a shower, she didn't see why she wouldn't just be able to keep doing it for the rest of her life.

In the end, Rupert rode to the airport on the back of Holly's moped with his gym bag strapped across his back. Popping into Kostas' shop first to pick up some snacks for his flight, Holly bumped into Annie at the till and promised to stop in for a drink later that evening. She felt a bit guilty for neglecting her new friend, but she hadn't wanted her to meet Rupert and have to do all the introductions. Annie knew that she'd spent a few days driving around the island with Aidan, even if she had no idea what had happened after that, and Holly didn't relish the idea of having to talk about it to Annie in front of her boyfriend.

‘Promise to call me later,' Rupert said, hugging her extra tight as they waited for the check-in desk to open.

‘I promise.' Holly smiled.

‘I can't believe I've only been here a few days and so much has happened,' he added. He looked so relaxed and happy in his unbuttoned white shirt, his hair uncharacteristically free of any product and the beginnings of a tan across his cheeks. Holly hugged him again, but inside she was agreeing wholeheartedly with what he'd just said. Thank God he didn't realise just how on the money he was.

Rupert collected his boarding card and then proceeded to tell her over and over that he was going to miss her, that he'd call her the minute he got back to London, and that he couldn't wait for her to move in with him. It felt like a scene from a cheesy movie, but she couldn't feel anything close to the unbridled joy that he was radiating. The huge, dark secret of her betrayal was sitting up on her shoulders like a giant squid – sticky and clinging and dangerous.

She drove back to the house slowly, taking in the scenery as she went. She couldn't believe that in just a matter of days she'd be back in London, and all these brilliant blues and greens would be replaced with greys, and the scent of pine and lemons tingling her nose would instead be petrol fumes and commuters' stale sweat. The agent was coming round at 4 p.m. to view and value the house, which meant she had around an hour to get the place looking respectable. She'd put all the bedding into the rickety old washing machine before they left, so this was where she headed first.

‘What the—?'

Holly gasped in horror as she pulled out the once-white sheets and covers. They were soaking wet and streaked with – she leaned forward and sniffed – mud. Thank goodness it was only mud. There must have been some already in the machine. She hadn't checked it, but then why would she?

‘Bloody hell!' she swore, dumping the sodden bedding on the kitchen floor and switching the machine on to a short rinse to clear out the drum. There was no way she'd have these done in time now, and the uncovered mattresses upstairs were dotted with age-old stains from God only knew what.

Standing up in a temper, Holly smacked the top of her head on the bottom of a cupboard door and swore again, this time with feeling. What the hell was it doing open? The door creaked resentfully, earning itself a violent slamming shut from Holly. Her feeling of satisfaction was short-lived, however, because a split second later there was a cracking sound and the door actually fell off its hinges and clattered on to the floor by her feet.

What the hell was going on? Was the house fighting back?

She forced herself to take a few deep breaths and calm down. What was it Joy the counsellor had told her about negativity? It attracts more negativity. Let yourself become enraged by a broken cupboard door and you're more likely to stub your toe. Or something.

As she stood there, doing her best to quell the rage, her phone beeped.

When are you coming back?
the message read.
This place is even worse without you here :( xx.
Aliana was clearly missing her. Holly realised with yet another stab of guilt that she hadn't even bothered to text her friend once since she arrived. She was going to have a fit when she found out about Holly moving in with Rupert.

I miss you too
, she typed back, before adding,
Have LOTS to tell! C U soon xx.
If she really was going to make a go of this new life with Rupert, then she would have to make more effort with her female friends too. Aliana was probably the closest thing she had to a best one, even if they did have a way to go, and perhaps she should ask Penelope and Clemmie if they wanted to go shopping or out to lunch. The thought made her pull a face.

Her phone beeped again. This time Aliana had just written the word ‘tease' followed by about fifty exclamation marks. Holly giggled at that and headed upstairs, only to find that two of the pictures she'd hung up along the landing had fallen off the wall, taking a heap of dust and plaster with them.

‘Great. Thanks,' she told them, heading back the way she'd come to fetch a dustpan and brush. She'd only just shoved the last of the cleaning fluids back under the sink when there was a knock at the door.

‘Co-ming!' she yelled, pausing to straighten the tablecloth and release her hair from its messy ponytail. Grabbing the handle, she swung the door open and tried her best to arrange her face into a welcoming expression. It wasn't the estate agent.

Aidan looked dreadful. His hair was sticking up at all angles and his face was pinched and drawn. There was an untidy mess of days-old stubble across his jaw that was
speckled with grey and ginger hairs and a large smear of mud on his faded blue T-shirt.

‘You look awful,' she blurted without thinking.

He had the grace to smile slightly at this, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

‘Can I come in?'

He had a bloody nerve.

‘I'm expecting someone,' she told him.

‘Oh?' He raised a quizzical eyebrow. It irritated Holly that he felt able to ask, as if he had any right to know her business after what had happened over the past few days. He'd reeled her in and then spat her out, rubbing Clara in her face without so much as a word of explanation. She could feel her hands starting to shake and clenched her fists.

‘I'm having the place valued.' She looked at the floor. ‘I need to sell it.'

‘You know that's not what Sandy wanted,' Aidan said stiffly. She could feel his glare but refused to look up.

‘Sandy's not here to make that decision,' she told him, deliberately making her tone cold and stern. ‘She left me this house, therefore it's up to me what I do with it.'

‘What's happened to you?' Aidan reached across to take her hand, but she snatched it away.

‘I got my head out of the clouds,' she sighed. ‘I realised that I'd been living in a fantasy world and that I needed to wise up.'

‘You mean, your boyfriend told you to wise up?' He added an unpleasant emphasis to the word ‘boyfriend', and Holly felt her hackles rise.

‘No,' she finally looked at him. ‘My
boyfriend
didn't tell
me to do anything – but if he had, then he has a lot more right to than you, and more than some aunt I never knew, either.'

‘Did what happened between us not mean anything to you?' he asked now. His eyes were shining, but Holly couldn't tell if he was upset or just very angry.

‘What does it matter?' she said. She suddenly felt very weary with it all: the house, him, Rupert, this whole place. ‘I have Rupert and you clearly have Clara back in your life again. What?'

He had actually started to laugh at her. The bastard was
laughing
at her.

‘I'm glad you find it so funny,' she snarled. Aidan opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment the estate agent walked along the path, holding his hand up in greeting. Pushing Aidan firmly to one side, Holly beckoned the Greek man inside and slammed the front door shut behind her.

She was still seething with anger and frustration an hour later, despite being told by the agent that the house was ‘very nice, yes' and that he couldn't foresee any problems selling it, although, given the current ‘crisis', it may well take some time. The stained mattresses, broken cupboard door and holes in the upstairs walls had elicited nothing more than a sniff from him, so the house's plan to fight back hadn't paid off. When the man joked that maybe a ‘ghost' was to blame, Holly felt a tickle of discomfort creep all the way along her spine.

She didn't want to risk Aidan coming over again or give in to the annoying need she had to go to him, so she left at the same time as the agent, locking the doors
behind her and clambering quickly on to her moped. She had no idea where she was heading, instead just feeling the need to drive until the bubbles of unease subsided. She headed towards Kalamaki, but instead of turning left at the crossroads and driving into town, Holly aimed right and followed the coastal road around past the beaches of Porto Zoro and Porto Roma and down into Vasilikos. She'd never been to this part of the island before and felt safe that nobody would think to look for her here. Nobody being Aidan.

The beach here was much wider than those in Laganas and Kalamaki, and every sun lounger was occupied. Couples played bat and ball along the seafront and kids filled their plastic buckets with soggy sand. Holly was happy to stroll anonymously among them, stopping only to pick up the occasional pebble and turn it over in her hand. She knew that selling the house was the right decision – it was the only decision that made any sense – but if that was really the case, then why did it feel so wrong? Aidan had stung her with his comment about Sandra, but that just made her all the more determined to go through with it. She wanted to hurt his feelings so that he understood what it felt like. When she thought about him with Clara it still caused her so much pain that she felt almost winded by it.