My Madder Fatter Diary (31 page)

I am TOTALLY knackered. Everyone is really nice though.

Sunday 28.7.91

11.55 p.m.

Œ
widnica School Camp, Poland. I am in a room with 3 manic Poles – actually one is a wild child, one is a smoker and one keeps laughing at just air. They are all TOTALLY gorgeous. They seem to have mainly lived on raw onion. This is not a surprise.

The salt mine today was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Going down I very nearly had a panic attack but Mort sensed it and grabbed my arm. I was OK. Once we were down there it was incredible – cathedrals, altars, chandeliers all made from salt and a tennis court! The only downer was apparently the Nazis made people work down there and some people died. Probably loads. Nobody Polish seems to like anyone German.

Anyway lessons start tomorrow. I’m a bit nervous but Angela knows exactly what she is doing and I am just going to follow her.

CLASSIC group of people – Steve the leader, Mark, Ian, Chris – sound as a pound Vix, Mary, Julie – it’s like I’ve known them years.

Monday 29.7.91

10.12 p.m.

We had a brilliant lesson today. Angela is a great teacher. We did ‘introducing ourselves’ and where we came from. Some of the people there already speak brilliant English and this one girl told us she was from a farm and after Chernobyl happened loads of strange animals got born. It was genuinely one of the best stories I have ever heard.

I had a full on panic attack tonight. It was partly the Chernobyl story I think. It’s the sort of thing I love but also the sort of thing that reminds me of accidents, disasters and death. I think I scared Vix a bit but Mort told her I had the occasional funny do and she’s lovely. She’s not treating me any differently. Perhaps people who aren’t from small-town-small-mind Stamford are a little more accepting of weirdoes.

Apparently there is a staffroom that is full of drink. We are allowed in it tomorrow.

Tuesday 30.7.91

6.45 p.m.

The Poles had to explain to us today that the sausages that we are eating every morning are covered in plastic and we are meant to remove the plastic before we eat the sausages!

HA HA HA! None of us realised.

It’s weird – normally the thought of having a tummy full of Eastern European plastic would make me feel completely insane. But everyone else is OK and so am I. Plus I feel I’m sort of representing Britain. I know it’s not the Olympics or anything but I need to look positive.

The communal showers are not good. There’s one right at the end that is private. I’m waiting for that one. We all are though!

11.12 p.m.

Just been in the staffroom.

Polish vodka has a piece of long grass in it and is not like in the Vaults.

What a night. I think I just sang ‘Waterloo’ all the way through on a table.

Wednesday 31.7.91

4.57 p.m.

I did sing ‘Waterloo’ all
the way through on a table but the Poles loved it. Mort confirmed over breakfast. The Poles do not take Abba for granted like everyone else. I didn’t think they even had Abba!!

I did my pop lecture today. It went down a storm. The students had loads of questions – How many people were punks? Did punks go to school? Did I still know any punks? Basically I am in Poland teaching Punk. I think I could do this for a living but I don’t think there’s a big call for it in Lincolnshire.

10.55 p.m.

The Poles don’t have gravy. They appear to have melted butter. I’m a bit worried I am putting on weight. There is a nurse on camp so I will find her tomorrow and ask her if she can weigh me.

Thursday 1.8.91

4.32 p.m.

I found the nurse. She
is the scariest woman I have ever met. She was hard as nails with a moustache. I took Agniezska to translate for me. Eventually she put me on these ancient scales and said I was 70 kilos. That’s about 11 stone I think so I THINK I have lost more weight. I thanked her very much but she just grunted. I bet she was Polish KGB or something.

11.11 p.m.

A manic Pole wants the light on to do something so I’m just doing a quick update. Tonight we had a bit of a disco and this one gorgeous Polish girl started doing this well pervy dance to ‘Rush Rush’ by Paula Abdul. All the boys, in fact ALL the girls were staring – she is now called ‘Rush Rush’. She has lost her Polish name. Which was probably Agnieszska, Magda or Paulina! There don’t seem to be many different Polish first names AND all the boys are called Bogdan or Tomek!

Friday 2.8.91

11.16 p.m.

Freddy is on the pull with Agsomething. SHARKING!!

This camp is brilliant. Mort and me are having such a laugh and I’m not homesick at all. You meet different men too and you think . . . Well there is an international world of men.

I’m not marrying a Pole though. They all get to 40 and look like Benny Hill. Mind you so do the women – HA HA HA!

That’s not fair. I’m just being silly. Everyone is lovely.

I’ve got to get up at 6 o’clock in the morning to go to Wroclaw. We are trying to explain the word ‘sharking’ – they don’t understand it.

Saturday 3.8.91

11.45 p.m.

On the bus to Wroclaw today Tomek taught us this Polish song about beer. Basically it’s called ‘Peeva’ and it’s saying ‘Barman please I would like more beer’. It’s brilliant. I also now know the Polish for ‘You stupid spectacled snake – I hate you.’ They have a word for a person that acts like a snake and wears glasses. What a language!

I’m having some bad moments but there is so much distraction I – well I hate to say it but Mum is partly right. I need to be doing stuff and to be with people. It doesn’t stop the mess but it hoovers it up for a while.

I’ve made a decision. I’m not going to go to ring Mum whilst I’m here. I will send her a postcard.

Reasons why –

1) You have to book international phone calls at a place that looks like it is still run by the KGB.

2) I don’t want to spend the wages I am getting here on trying to call her and then just get Adnan. I’d have to talk to him out of politeness but it would be weird.

3) Since the Berlin Wall came down you can get pirate cassette tapes in
Œ
widnica for the equivalent of 40p!! Me and Mort went mad!! I got
The Sisters of Mercy
,
The Best of the Stranglers
and loads of other stuff. We’ve been told not to show them off though because to the Poles that is still quite a luxury.

Sunday 4.8.91

10.15 p.m.

Bit embarrassing today for Britain.

Firstly the Poles thrashed and I mean THRASHED us at football. Then we went into the gym and they showed us all these wonderful folk dances. They have real meaning. They are the way the people courted and the way that people met and fell in love. Some were even about rebelling against the Russians. They were beautiful and intricate.

Then they asked us if we could show them our folk dances.

What could we do? After a mad conflab we showed them the Hokey Cokey and the The Conga by Black Lace.

The Poles loved it but bloody hell did Britain look piss poor!

Monday 5.8.91

5.12 p.m.

I’m sat in the middle of a Polish field. It’s so quiet it’s totally brilliant.

I love Poland it’s amazing. I do feel the mad bits but I’m managing them.

I had a lovely conversation with Chris last night. He said that at the meeting in London I had made loads of unfunny jokes that bombed and he went home to his mum and said ‘I can’t spend weeks with her.’ But then he said ‘you are really funny and sweet.’ Then Mark said ‘I think you are the most sensitive person on this camp.’ I am transparent. Then he hugged me and when I tried to shrug him off he went ‘Fucking just give me a hug’ and I did.

I am the host of ‘Polish Blind Date’ night tomorrow.

Tuesday 6.8.91

11.34 p.m.

I am Cilla Black in
Œ
widnica. That’s all you need to know.

Plus I can’t write anymore because of that vodka. It’s lethal. I think it’s got a buffalo on the front or something.

Thursday 8.8.91

8.45 p.m.

Hilarious turn of events! I have suspected concussion and it’s all because of a Bagpuss impression. Me and Laura were weeing ourselves at Mark’s Bagpuss yawn and we bumped heads and then my eye swelled up. Then I sort of fainted. Actually I think it was being pissed and a bit of panic. Anyway because we are their ‘guests’ the Poles didn’t want to take any chances and this morning I was sent in a Polish ambulance to hospital. It was a Volvo estate sort of car with a stretcher in the back! I got more injuries on the way! I was rolling all over the place. Anyway NO JOKE there were BATS in the waiting room of casualty. The doctor spoke perfect English and prescribed bed rest for a day. He told us he’d been up for 24 hours. Polish doctors work bloody HARD. He’d probably been trying to get the bats out of casualty. That’s the weird thing – no-one seemed that bothered.

Friday 9.8.91

11.30 p.m.

I’m in bed listening to my Victoria Wood tape ‘resting’. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’d prefer to be teaching. We are doing a fashion show next week. Angela says it’s a great way to learn verbs and colours if you’re learning English. Plus there’s a fancy dress party tomorrow night. I don’t want to miss that.

The scary nurse is going to assess me later.

7.34 p.m.

The scary nurse says I’m fine to resume activities tomorrow. Well I think she did. She said ‘You OK.’ Then I pointed at the scales and she weighed me again. I was the same. I’m wondering if her scales say 70 kilos for everyone but I am not going to argue with her! She is like a Bond villain with knives in her shoes.

Saturday 10.8.91

11.22 p.m.

The fancy dress party was fantastic. Maria went as the Statue of Liberty. Mark actually painted himself blue and went as a Smurf. He looked brilliant. I just zipped myself slightly in my suitcase and went as a suitcase. The highlight of the night though was ‘Rush Rush’ doing ‘Rush Rush’ again.

I am glad Haddock is not here to see me as a piece of luggage.

Haddock.

In any nation he’s a lovely thought. I have to say I haven’t thought about him quite so much since I’ve been here.

Sunday 11.8.91

4.56 p.m.

Mark can’t get the blue paint off himself. He is worried he is going to look like a Smurf forever.

I’ve moved on to Polish sangria stuff. The vodka was actually in danger of killing me.

Monday 12.8.91

8.55 p.m.

We are pausing for a word from OTTO!

Rae dear friend!

Thanks God I met you at this camp. You’re incredibly good at taking it easy and I’ll never forget you.

When I met people from Britain I always got the impression thet they pretend all the time but after I met you I’m no longer sure about it. You’ve really natural! Keep it up!

What you told me gave me some stuff to think about!

You are good table tennis but you should work on your backhand – you haven’t quite got it yet.

If there is anything you’d like to have (that you haven’t got yet, which is not much I’m sure) don’t hesitate to tell me about it. I’d even jump up to the sky to get one of the stars and give it to you. You’re really worth it!

My English may be not the best yet but I’m able to speak my mind almost fully so I won’t take this advice of yours (as to changing to Polish in my diary).

As anything else you wrote me goes – I’ll seriously think about it.

And believe me, your head should be decorated with real stars.

Otto X

I have no idea what I said to him or told him what to do – I was pissed.

Tuesday 13.8.91

10.45 p.m.

We did the fashion show today. Angela is FAB at her job. Britain should send her everywhere in the world to teach. Everyone would love us.

It’s the end of school on Thursday (I can’t believe it – it feels like I’ve always been here, in a good way). Anyway we have to do a show. We are doing the Time Warp – mainly because it’s easy to create Rocky Horror costumes with bin bags. Plus we all know the words!

Wednesday 14.8.91

11.35 p.m.

I walked past the nurse’s office today and she dragged me in. She put me on the scales and it was 68! I’ve lost 2 pounds. God knows how. I’ve been eating a lot of cucumber and onion and dancing a lot. Perhaps that’s it. Anyway she SMILED and said ‘Dobry’ which means good in Polish. MAJOR victory for Polish/British relations!

Thursday 15.8.91

11.24 p.m.

We did the Rocky Horror.
The Poles seemed to like it. They like everything though. They are the loveliest, friendliest bunch of people in the world. It’s an amazing place. Seriously, I feel quite emotional about saying goodbye to people tomorrow. REALLY emotional. I know that sounds daft because I’ve only known them for days but it’s all been so intense and – shit – I’m crying – it’s been the thing I’ve sort of needed. Bloody Poland. Whoever would have thought it. And I’ve made it and not fucked it up. Yet. No but I won’t. Mort has been amazing. Just right like she always is and I’ve done something WELL.