My Hope Next Door (14 page)

CHAPTER 25

H
ow’s it going over there?” Katie called out from her cushy chair on Asher’s front porch. He’d insisted that moving her car to his house would be easier than hauling his tools over to hers. She didn’t mind. His porch wasn’t rotting—and he actually had furniture a person could sit on.

“Just fine,” he said with a strangled grunt as he pulled again on his wrench. The final bolt was practically cemented in place, and he’d been struggling for the last ten minutes to loosen it.

With a frustrated jolt, he detangled himself from the car and threw the wrench on the ground. Katie was impressed that she didn’t hear a curse word fly out, although she was pretty certain a few had flashed through his mind.

He lifted one grease-covered arm and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He’d changed into a thin T-shirt with the sleeves cut off at the shoulders. She hoped it wasn’t a sin to admire the cut of his arms on a Sunday, because she’d barely noticed anything else since he started his work. Well, that and his backside when he leaned over—but she was pretty sure that wasn’t allowed either.

Katie lifted the glass of tea she’d poured for him and shook it. The few melting ice cubes that were left rattled against the glass. “I have iced tea, and it’s still cold.”

As if taking a drink was the same as giving up, he shook his head. “Not till I beat this bolt. I need more torque.” He glanced down at his toolbox as if it held the answer.

She didn’t think it did. Asher had already tried the staring-for-answers bit earlier, with no grand epiphany.

He gave up after only a few seconds this time. “Would your dad happen to have an old pipe? Something metal with a small diameter?”

“I have no idea, but we can check. The shed is packed with who knows what.” She bounced down his steps and flashed him a smile that was all sass and attitude. “Betcha wish you hadn’t committed me to a lunch date with your parents.”

He leaned in close, as if he were going to say something to her, but instead wiped his sweaty, greasy forehead on her exposed shoulder.

“Oh my gosh! Gross!” She pushed him off and used the strap of her tank top to try and wipe off the sweat. Asher bent over, laughing. “You’re disgusting,” she said once she’d finally removed the last of the slimy mess from her arm. But she didn’t really mean it.

In fact, as she watched his face beam and his eyes dance with mocking pleasure, she felt a twinge of something she couldn’t identify. It felt like drinking hot chocolate while snuggled in front of the fire, yet also like swooping down a roller coaster. She wanted to laugh, but also to cry, because neither reaction alone felt exactly right. She wanted to hug him for making her feel such peace, yet hit him for bringing on a whirl of confusing emotions.

“What?” he asked when she continued to gape at him. He wiped at his face like he’d missed something that needed to be cleaned and in the process left a grease smudge that hadn’t been there before.

She shook off her whole train of thought. “Nothing. Just wanted to see if you’d blink first.” She shrugged. “You did, so I win.” She took off toward the shed, hoping the escape could also shrug off her unexpected reaction to him. Well,
unexpected
wasn’t exactly the right word. Her reactions to him were getting more predictable and less platonic every day.

Footsteps pounded behind her. “Hey, you don’t win. I didn’t even know we were playing a game.”

Oh, they were playing a game all right, and it was called
See How Fast Katie Can Get Her Heart Crushed by a Man Who, Even on a Bad Day, Is Ten Times the Person She Could Ever Hope to Be
. Sure, Asher liked to flirt. He might even enjoy her company now and then, but that was only because he didn’t know the truth. He didn’t know she’d ruined four people’s lives in one twenty-four-hour period.

He caught up quickly and fell into step next to her. She jammed her hands in her pockets and wished for the millionth time that she could go back to that night and change the course of her future.

“Is your dad gonna throw a fit that I’m digging through his stuff?” Asher asked when they reached the metal building.

“He shouldn’t. I’ve been doing it every day since coming home.” She rolled the numbers on the combination and then tugged on the lock. “Got it.”

Asher pulled open the door, and heat billowed out like a wave of steam. “Yikes. When’s the last time he was in here?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

He cleared away a few cobwebs and stepped into the shed. Katie waited outside, not just because she hated all things creepy-crawly. She also had no intention of getting shoved into a small space with her handsome neighbor. Her self-control had limits, and she was already approaching the top of the scale.

When she heard banging and what sounded like several items hitting the floor, she called out: “Find anything?”

“Yeah. A little too much of everything.”

“Welcome to my world,” she mumbled to herself.

He emerged a few minutes later, beaming as if he’d just conquered the jungle, a foot-long metal pipe in his hand. “Yep. This should do the trick.”

“I know I’m mechanically inept, but how is a pipe going to solve your problem?”

His lips curled in a way that caused Katie’s cheeks to overheat. “Leverage. Sometimes it just takes a little distance and an extra dose of force to make a stubborn object move.”

Maybe it was the way his eyes never left hers or the way his stare turned from humorous to deadly serious. But she felt sure he was talking about more than just her car’s alternator bolt.

He’d done it. He’d conquered the blasted drive belt, with only minor cuts to his hands and a few hits to his pride. The job had taken twice as long as he’d anticipated, but getting to spend the day with Katie had made every agonizing minute worth it.

She’d fallen asleep about ten minutes earlier and was now curled up in the outdoor love seat, still clutching her empty glass.

Asher washed his hands under the water spigot at the side of the house, not wanting to wake her. It felt right having her there, just hanging out, talking. She was interesting and funny and way smarter than he’d ever realized in high school. He knew her choice to drop out of college had nothing to do with capability. Maybe one day he could convince her to give it another shot.

He splashed water on his face and over his head and neck. It helped, but he was still hot, sweaty, and in serious need of a shower. With a quick whip of a towel, his face and hands were dry and only a little bit stained from the oil.

And still she slept, her breath coming in steady streams through slightly parted lips.

He approached quietly, wanting to watch her just a minute more, and crouched in front of the love seat. For all her references to being the queen of darkness, to him she embodied only peace and light.

With a gentle brush of his fingers, Asher traced a trail along her cheek, pushing aside the piece of hair that had fallen over her face. Smooth, silky soft. Just as he’d imagined.

She awoke slowly, her eyes fluttering open. If he leaned just the slightest bit closer, his mouth would be on hers. And the thought of it shot a jolt straight to his abdomen. But despite his desperate need to touch her, he wouldn’t do that. He’d give her the choice.

“Hey,” he whispered when she began to sit up. “You fell asleep.”

She rubbed her eyes and blinked twice as if to focus. “How long was I out?”

“Only about fifteen minutes. But you missed my grand celebration.”

“You did it?” A smile crept through her sleepy disorientation. “Well, congrats. You officially can do it all: build fences, create gorgeous outdoor kitchens, plant weird-named flowers for your mom, and now fix cars.”

She stood and he followed suit, determined to take his moment now, while he had the courage. “If I’m so impressive, go out with me.”

Katie froze in midstretch, her hands high in the air. Her arms dropped back to her side. “What?”

He stepped closer, grabbed one of her hands in his. “On a real date. Go out with me.” His thumb pressed into her palm, caressing it.

She wiped her eyes again. “I must be still half asleep. Either that, or I’m totally hallucinating.”

His pinched brow made it clear she wasn’t, but that knowledge didn’t bring the smile he’d longed for. Instead, her eyes were cast in shadow, troubled and intense.

“Don’t do this,” she said, pulling her hand from his.

“Do what? Take action on what we’re both feeling? I know I’m rusty with the whole wooing-a-woman thing, but I think I’ve been pretty clear about my feelings for you.”

Her shoulders remained stiff as she stomped down the steps. “Just the fact that you used the word ‘wooing’ should tell you exactly how crazy this is. I’m not the wooing type, Asher. I’m the bad girl.”

He jumped off the porch and moved in front of her to keep her from bolting. “Don’t be a cliché, Katie. This isn’t about who you used to be. It’s about who you are now. Who we are together.”

“You don’t know me.” Her lips trembled, which surprised Asher enough that Katie managed to slip past him. He’d seen tears in her eyes. Real, live tears on a girl who never cried. A good sign. She wanted more than friendship too. He just had to convince her that he was worth the risk.

He took off after her again. “I want to know you. The good and the bad. It’s never been about pretense with us.” The faintest brush of his hand on her arm stopped her. “I overheard you the other day. With Cooper. I heard about drugs, and I know there’s still history there. I don’t care. I just want you to trust me. I’m asking for you to give us a real chance.”

She shifted. It was only the slightest movement, but it put distance between them, and she made her point. His admission to eavesdropping hadn’t helped his cause any.

But this was Katie’s default. Building walls, pushing him away. He was tired of climbing them, just to find another one. He wanted a bulldozer, anything to finally break through.

Frustrated, Asher ran a hand through his wet hair. “Just think about it, okay? Later, when you’re not so mad at me for listening. When it’s quiet and you don’t have a million reasons not to date me going through your head, stop for one second and think about what it could be like. A real relationship. One based on honesty and trust and friendship. One based on a shared faith.”

“I don’t have to think about it. What we have now works, and you’re ruining it.” She flung out her hands in exasperation, but Asher didn’t need the dramatics to tell she was angry. Her tone said it all.

He let his shoulders drop, realizing for the first time that she really might refuse him. “I’m done pretending. It’s the one lesson I learned this year: I am who I am. And I like you. I want us to be more than we are now. I think about it every time we’re together.”

He stared at the V in her neckline, the way it flexed every time she took an angry, shallow breath; the edge of her jaw, straight and determined; the planes of her face, all downcast and mournful.

Her mouth. Her eyes. Her mouth again.

He waited for that mouth to make the words she was too afraid to say.

I care about you.

I’m willing to try.

She stared at her feet, and he fought every urge to take her in his arms and show her how amazing they would be together. But it had to be her choice.

“Take some time and then come talk to me. I’m right next door.” He forced himself to walk away. He wouldn’t play games, and he wouldn’t lie to himself.

If that meant losing her, then it wasn’t meant to be in the first place.

CHAPTER 26

K
atie stared out the upstairs window. It’d been four days, and Asher had never called. Or texted. He’d hardly even stepped outside. She knew because she’d been watching for him like a lovesick puppy. The space he’d promised didn’t feel like breathing room. It felt stifling, like a rope closing around her windpipe. She’d broken her own rule. She’d come to depend on him. Cared about him. Too much.

She tried to focus on the house. The upstairs was half finished now. Only her parents’ room remained, and half the drawers in her dresser, but Katie knew the last stretch of work would be significant. She couldn’t think about it now. At this point, the house was decent enough that she could talk to a real estate agent. Get an idea of its value. The kitchen was clean, the living room functional, and the yard . . . ? Well, the yard might be a problem.

With a sigh, Katie forced herself to stand and stretch.
One task at a time.
She’d focus on what was in front of her. What she could control. Not the looming unknown.

“Katie,” her mom called from downstairs.

She was glad to have a reason to move. Maybe her mother would even come up with an errand or two for her to run.

“I need the boxes from the top shelf,” her mother said when she entered the dining room-turned-office. Though her voice was dismissive and cool, Katie could feel the frustration behind it. Her mom could no longer stand with just the cane alone, yet she still refused to use the walker Katie had picked up from the medical supply store.

“I’ve got them.” She pulled down five flattened cardboard Priority Mail boxes and quickly assembled them so her mother wouldn’t have to.

“I’m going to be closing out all my listings today,” her mom said absently. “Your father and I will be in and out of town for the next couple of weeks. Do you think you can handle the house?”

“Of course, but what’s going on?”

Her mom took the boxes from her and stacked them on her desk. “None of your business. Here’s our schedule. Some trips will be more than a day.”

Overnighters? Her parents? Katie studied her mother’s sour expression. Wherever they were going, it didn’t sound like her father was taking time off work so they could rekindle their romance. She took the paper her mother offered. They were leaving tonight for two days, then traveling again next week and the week after.

“Mom, I want to be—”

Her mom put up a hand. “Katie, when you’re ready to spill all your secrets, then you can come sniffing around mine. Until then, keep your questions to yourself.”

Katie’s fingers tightened on the paper. “Fine. Have fun on your little trip, then. I’ll try not to screw up everything while you’re gone.”

“Well, that’ll be a first.”

Katie grabbed her keys and slammed out the front door. She had promised herself she wouldn’t fire back anymore. Was determined to be the one to stay calm and not tumble into their constant hateful exchanges. But her patience was dangerously close to running out.

Asher’s SUV was in the driveway. She’d normally go over there, knock on his door, come up with some excuse to lure him outside. If he wanted her to miss him, then he’d succeeded, but it didn’t change anything. Just as six weeks with her parents hadn’t fixed the resentment between her and them.

She gripped the porch rail, ready to fling herself down the front steps and away from a situation that seemed to only get worse with time, but as she tightened her fingers around the wood, it splintered under them. A
crack
, and then she was tumbling. It happened so fast, she could only register the sharp pain in her back when she slammed to the ground and the mangled hole where the stairs used to be. The house blurred in front of her, then came back into focus.

She tested her arms and legs. They all worked. But the damage in front of her was irreparable.

“Aaarrrgh!” she screamed into the air as she scrambled to her feet. Couldn’t anything go right? The stairs were hanging at an angle, their weathered strips of wood torn right in two, their jagged edges sticking straight in the air.

The front door swung open and her mom stood in the entry, using her walker for the first time. “What the he—” She stopped when she saw the splintered gaping hole in front of her. “Crap, Katie. How am I supposed to get out of here now? You know those back steps are too steep.”

Katie scowled at the neglected, blackened destruction in front of her. This was her life. Filthy, rotting, disgusting debris that only pretended to be functional. When it mattered, when it needed to be strong, what did it do? It broke into tiny, mangled pieces.

Her mom slammed the wheels of the walker against the wood. “Well? How are you going to fix this?”

“I don’t know. Okay?” Katie hadn’t meant to shout, but the words simply wouldn’t stop flowing from her mouth. “I don’t have any answers for you. I’m trying my hardest. Every day, I’m trying to make things right, but you don’t see it!”

She had to go. Had to get away from that horrible house. From every vicious memory that wouldn’t disappear. And from Asher and his dangling carrot of a new beginning she knew wasn’t possible for someone like her.

Another dead end. That was Katie’s life: one dead end after another. The second pawnshop was a complete waste of time. They didn’t even buy jewelry, only firearms and electronics.

She’d been gone for hours, driving aimlessly down deserted roads until her gas gauge was almost at empty. But she couldn’t bring herself to go back to that place where there was so much work to do and no answers. She tried praying, even listening to some local Christian radio, but she kept struggling with the same questions: How was she supposed to move forward when her past felt like a weight dragging her under? How could God give her the same future as people who’d loved Him their entire life? The checks and balances just didn’t add up. She hadn’t been given the consequences she deserved.

A familiar ballad crackled through her Camry’s old speakers, and Katie let the words fall over her like a warm blanket in the cold. With them came the memory of that moment when her life had completely changed.

She’d been unceremoniously kicked out of her boyfriend’s apartment. He’d left her duffel on the top step along with a note that said he’d grown tired of her. It was January and freezing, and after spending two nights in her car, she swallowed her pride and sought refuge at the Tallahassee women’s shelter.

Katie had thought the night she’d left Fairfield was her darkest moment, but this one beat them all. She was homeless, friendless, jobless, and so full of regret it was making her life rot.

It was at the shelter that Katie met Reverend Snow and he told her God’s love was for the broken and lost. She had been both. And through trembling lips, she’d turned her heart over to the God of the universe.

She believed in new beginnings. She did. But Asher didn’t know her. Didn’t understand how deep her scars ran. He’d known her in high school where, sure, she was a punk kid with a quick lip and a pattern of continuous detention. But as an adult, she’d become something far worse.

He only thought he wanted to know the truth. But Katie knew that once he did, the sweet words and heated stares would all dissolve. In their place would be left disappointment and grief. She couldn’t bear either.

Katie made the familiar right turn into her driveway. The sun was setting, which meant her parents were likely gone. It was a relief and, in some ways, the very reason she’d stayed absent for so long. Her dad would have come home a couple of hours ago. Maybe he’d figured out a solution to a problem for once?

Her question was answered when she parked the car. There, in front of the sagging porch and chipping front door, were three new steps and a handrail. The wood was raw and unstained, but Katie knew from the quality and precision that it hadn’t been her father who’d fixed her mess.

She slammed her car door and walked closer to the new wood. Sawdust lay near the structure, evidence that Asher had used his favorite handsaw. Her fingers slid over the surface. The wood needed to be sanded, but it was sturdy and reliable, just like the man who’d spent his afternoon building it.

Katie wanted to curse but couldn’t speak. Her sinuses were full, her eyes stung, and her throat ached as if she’d swallowed burning coal.

She would not cry. Katie Stone did not cry.

But even she couldn’t deny the moisture spilling down her cheeks as she touched another thing he’d unselfishly done for her.

Ignoring him wasn’t working. As much as she wanted to push Asher away, as she’d been able to do with every other person in her life, she couldn’t. He’d infiltrated and claimed some part of her soul.

She hadn’t wanted this. Hadn’t asked him to come to her rescue time and time again. Yet he’d known her need, and he’d met it even after she told him clearly that she wasn’t ready or willing to trust him. Why? It didn’t make sense.

She wiped at the tears and stormed next door, more angry than sad. He wanted to know her? Wanted the bad along with the good? Well, fine. He was about to get a heaping dose of the old Katie.

Her fist pounded his door. She had no idea what she’d say to him, but this swirling, confusing, tear-causing sensation had to end. She jammed her hands into her pockets and paced back and forth in front of this door like a caged tiger.

Slowly, it opened.

“Hey,” he said, surprise coloring his features.

He’d recently showered. It wasn’t just the wet hair and freshly shaven face that gave it away, but also the smell of minty soap and spicy aftershave. His scent. The scent she’d come to rely on.

He was right. They weren’t just friends. There was respect and admiration between them, that was true. But there was also chemistry and attraction. Their touches had become more intimate, more meaningful. Their conversations, more important.

“Why?” she demanded, feeling that ache in her throat again. She’d come to yell at him, yet her voice sounded strangled and weak.

He stepped forward with an expression she’d seen a hundred times. The one that made her believe she could actually be worthy one day. “You’re crying. What happened?”

“
You
happened!” Her stomach hurt, her hands were shaking, and her instincts urged her to walk away fast. “Why couldn’t you just leave it be?”

His mouth tightened. “Well, for one, your mother was cursing like a sailor when you drove off. Plus, I heard you scream. Sue me, Katie, but I actually care about your well-being.”

“Not the steps, you idiot.
Me!
” She went back to pacing. “I wanted to come home, get my parents in a safe place, and then go on with my life. I can’t do that in Fairfield. Don’t you see that? No matter what I do, my mistakes will always be ten feet from me.”

“Your past exists, whether you live in town or not.”

“Maybe, but it’s not right in my face. It’s not luring me back every time I let my guard down.”

“Yes, it is. Your past is your crutch, Katie. Your excuse to not even try.” He stepped closer, putting two hands on her shoulders to calm her erratic movement. “I spent almost a year hiding away in this house, hoping to avoid the church and Jillian, thinking that would somehow make the pain stop. But it didn’t. Not until you started showing up, asking me questions, challenging me to see past my bitterness, and encouraging me to trust someone again.”

His words sank past her defenses, and just as quick as it had come, all the aggression left her body. Wiping her eyes, she gave him a wobbly smile through her tears. “I didn’t know I was doing that.”

“Well, you were. You did.” His voice was soft, persuasive. His hand began stroking up and down her back, until it landed on the nape of her neck. “Not everything can be planned. Not everything is going to fit into precise, separate piles. You and I: we work. I don’t know why, but we do.”

“I’m not staying in Fairfield.” But her resolve sounded weak, even to her. It was his proximity, the way his thumb caressed her skin, the way his gaze felt intensely focused yet gently intimate.

“I’m just asking for a chance.” His lips grazed her forehead, and the feathery touch made her skin tingle as if little fireflies were dancing over the surface.

She closed her eyes when his lips traveled down to her temple. Her hands moved on their own, first to his hips, then to grip the T-shirt he wore.

“May I kiss you, Katie?” His lips were at her cheeks now, barely making contact. “I’ve wanted to for so long now.”

She didn’t want him to ask. Didn’t want to have to be the one to make that decision. But she knew he needed her to agree. She also knew doing so with a man like Asher meant that she was committing to more than a moment of contact. It meant she would trust him. It meant she would allow him access to her heart and her soul. It meant a plunge into something different and unknown.

“Yes,” she whispered, unable to answer any other way. It felt wrong to feel so much. To want his touch so fiercely.

He moved with a gentleness she didn’t expect, not when the tightness in her chest felt like a raging mesh of heat and passion and need. She pulled at his back, pressed closer, demanded more. But his control didn’t falter.