My Friend Leonard (30 page)

 

F
irst month second month I pretend he's away on one of his trips, that he's busy, that our conversation at the diner didn't take place. That life is as it has been for the last three years, that he's going to call or start banging on my door or just appear in my living room. I pretend that life is as it has been.

 

I
fail upward, only in Hollywood is failure rewarded. Often the bigger the failure, the bigger the reward. In my case, I wrote an awful movie made worse by a lame television star and his dumbass director best friend that was produced by a big studio and released in several thousand theaters all over America to resoundingly awful reviews and huge numbers of empty seats. I wrote, produced and directed a second movie that was so bad that it was deemed unreleasable by every distributor in America. I wrote a children's movie for a studio and the first draft was so awful that it immediately got me fired. Somehow, I keep getting work, and I keep getting work that pays me more and more money.

I re-write a thriller script. The script is terrible when I start, and is only slightly less terrible when I finish. I get fired again.

Danny meets an incredibly wealthy guy about the same age as us he's from an incredibly wealthy family. The guy wants to get into the movie business. Danny convinces him to fund a company for us. We open an office, hire a staff. I laugh every time I walk through the front door.

 

T
hree months nothing, four months nothing. I wonder where he is what he's doing, if he's running from someone, if he's in jail, if he's alive. I wonder if he's happy and laughing I doubt it, if he's pissed maybe, if he's scared yes, I think he's scared. I wonder if he's safe I don't know, I doubt it. Part of me clings to the notion that this is some sort of joke, that he's going to come through my door in a minute and yell my son, My Son, MY SON, that we'll laugh and laugh and laugh about how he fooled me. Part of me knows it's a defense mechanism, that I lost Lilly and though I've moved on, I've never recovered from it, and may never recover from it. I don't want to lose my friend Leonard. I don't want to lose him.

 

I
decide to buy a house I want to live near the ocean. My mom comes to town to help me look for a house, Allison helps me look for a house. We find an old bungalow in Venice half a block from the beach. I take Cassius and Bella out to see the house they approve, Cassius asks if he can take surfing lessons, Bella wants a bikini. I buy the house move in. I hardly have any furniture so the house is almost entirely empty.

Allison and I keep fighting every fucking day there's a new fucking fight. She's mad at me because she wants to move into my house and I want her to move into my house but her parents won't approve of her moving in until we're engaged and I'm not ready to be engaged. All we do is fucking fight. I hate the fights. Hate myself for engaging in them. I try to stop, try to get her to stop, and for whatever reason, we can't stop.

Cassius and Bella have two more altercations. They hurt each other badly each time. I have their vet help me, I hire a trainer to help me, I hire an animal behavior specialist to help me. I love my dogs and I want them to be happy, I do everything I can to try to solve the problem. I talk to everyone I can who might be able to help me.

 

F
ive six seven eight. Nine months. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I check my mail nothing, voicemails nothing. I drive down to his house in Laguna someone else is living there. I call the customer service number on the back of one of his phonecards. I ask if he's available or if there is a contact number, they say they've never heard of him, I speak to a supervisor, they say they've never heard of him. I have no way of reaching Snapper. I know his first name is Dominic, I don't know his last name. I have no way of reaching Olivia, I know she works at a casino, I don't know which casino. I go to the steakhouse where we used to eat lunch, the Maitre d' greets me, says hello I haven't seen you in a while, I ask him if he's seen Leonard, he says no.

 

A
llison and I break up. It isn't her fault and it isn't my fault. We still love each other but we can't get along and we're tired of fighting and we're tired of hurting each other and we need to be apart. I miss her. I miss everything about her. My life my heart my house my bed is empty without her, I'm empty without her. I cry myself to sleep at night. She's on the other side of town it might as well be the other side of the earth. I cry myself to sleep at night.

 

T
en months, eleven months, a year I haven't heard from him. I start to wonder if I ever will. I start to wonder if he's dead. If he is, I assume someone killed him. If someone killed him, I hope they did it quickly.

 

I
want to get out of Los Angeles. I think it will be good for me to get out of town, get away from my memories of Allison and Leonard, away from my unhappiness, away from my emptiness. Danny and I decide to make a movie in Seattle. After my previous failures as a writer and a director, I decide that on this movie I'll function only as a producer. I move up there, bring the doggies with me, we live in a hotel.

Two days after we arrive it starts raining. It rains for sixty-three straight days. I hate it. The dogs hate it. We walk outside it's cold and gray we're immediately wet it fucking sucks. I made a mistake coming up here. I shouldn't have run away from my loss, I should have known it would run with me. If I could, I would go back. Go back to Los Angeles to Venice to my house to my life to whatever else I have and have to deal with, be it good, be it bad. I have to stay here for this movie there is too much of someone else's money involved to leave, I have to stay here for five or six months.

The movie is an absolute disaster. The actors are difficult, the crew hates each other, one of the cameramen gets hit by a truck and breaks his arm, leg, jaw and cheekbone, one of our RV's gets stolen, we total a Seattle City Police cruiser, and, after a week, we're over-budget and behind-schedule.

 

T
hirteen fourteen, fifteen sixteen. I assume he's gone, not coming back, dead, killed by someone for something in his past. I would have heard something by now. I would have heard something.

 

C
assius and Bella get in another fight. It's in the hotel room there's no rhyme or reason for it they just start fighting. Bella gets her throat torn I get my finger bitten. Bella ends up in the vet hospital my fingers swell they look like sausages I end up in the human hospital. When I get out I take Cassius to another vet who is also a behavioral specialist and a pitbull breeder. I just want my little boy, my mister big man, my best buddy to be better and to be happy.

The vet asks me about Cassius' history, his breeding, his life. He examines Cassius, takes him to his home for two days, brings him back, we meet in his office.

Cassius is three years old. He tells me that three is the age where male dogs reach full maturity. Cassius, the Son of Cholo, comes from a gene line of fighting dogs. Not all pitbulls are fighting dogs but Cassius is absolutely a fighting dog. He is genetically pre-programmed to be aggressive, to want to fight, to seek out fights. He will not change, and there is no way to change him, and the older he gets, the more aggressive he will become. Cassius has grown to be almost one hundred pounds. He is all muscle, he is incredibly strong. The vet tells me I can try to micromanage his life, and keep him in the situations where he will not have outlets for his aggression, but that he will be unhappy and frustrated because he will not be allowed to do what his instincts are telling him he should do. I look at Cassius, who is sitting at my feet wagging his tail looking up at me.

I ask the vet what he thinks I should do, he tells me that he thinks I should put Cassius down, that it will be best for him, for me, for Bella. I don't want to accept the vet's opinion, but I know he's right. I look down at Cassius he's still sitting at my feet, I start to cry. He senses something is wrong he wants to make me feel better he jumps up starts licking my
face. I put my arms around him and I cry and I tell him I love him, I love him so much, I tell him I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

The vet tells me it will be painless, that I can be with him. We walk into an operating room Cassius jumps up on a steel table. The vet prepares the needle. I hold Cassius and I tell him over and over that I love him and that I'm sorry and that I'll miss him and he kisses me, kisses me, kisses me, he tries to make me feel better he has no idea. The vet inserts the needle, depresses the plunger. Cassius yelps like a little puppy, my big tough pitbull feels the sting, I hold him as his blood courses through his veins I hold him as he stumbles, as he falls, I hold him as he dies. I look into his eyes and I tell him I love him and I'll miss him and I'm so so so sorry. He dies in my arms and I hold him and I cry, I cry, I cry.

 

I
am lonely and I am lost and I hate what I'm doing and I hate my life. I miss Lilly I still miss her. I miss Leonard I'm allowing myself to mourn him. I miss Allison I wish it could have worked with her I still love her. I miss Cassius and I hate myself for what happened with him. I am lonely and I am lost and I want to go home. I've spent my whole life moving, running, trying to escape, it doesn't fucking work. I want to go back to Los Angeles, I want to go home.

 

W
e finish shooting the movie. I have a week or two of work before I can leave, we have to shut everything down, return all of the equipment, clear the payroll, clear the bills. At the end of another long, shitty day I go back to the hotel to go to sleep. Bella and I walk in there's a stack of mail, most of it forwarded to me from Los Angeles. I start going through it bill, offer for a credit card, bill, another offer for another credit card. There's a postcard. It's a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. I look at it, I don't know anyone in San Francisco who would be sending me this postcard, I look at it.

I have an idea maybe he's alive, maybe he's alive. I smile, you motherfucker Leonard, why did you wait so long, I smile.

I turn it over. It has my name on it, the address of the hotel where I'm staying, there is no note, just another address in the section where a note would be, an address in San Francisco.

I smile.

You motherfucker.

Why'd you wait so long.

I smile.

 

I
pack my shit there isn't much. I'm leaving Seattle as soon as I can. Danny can handle the rest of the work without me.

I drive south through Washington, Oregon, Northern California. Bella rides shotgun, we stop for food, coffee, cigarettes, a walk every few hours, a bathroom break every few hours.

I cross the Bay Bridge into San Francisco. I'm staying with a friend from Paris, a woman named Colleen. Colleen has black hair, black eyes, always wears black clothes, looks like a movie star from the forties. She's seven years older than me, works at an Internet company during the day, makes paintings and collages at night. In Paris she made hats, shoes, clothes, worked at an advertising agency, and she was my only friend who wasn't a degenerate.

I find her house, which is in one of San Francisco's valleys. She gives me a hug, a big kiss, says James is in San Francisco, I'm so happy to see him. I laugh give her a hug, a big kiss. I drop my bags in her place, she wants to take me to lunch I tell her I need to go somewhere first, I give her the address. We get in my truck I bring Bella with us she'll be happy to see Leonard he'll be happy to see her. The address is on the other side of town, Colleen knows the general area. We drive up hills and down hills, up and down up a hill. We're on the street I look at the numbers on the houses. We're two blocks away, a block away. I see a white Mercedes sitting in a driveway I laugh. It's an old Mercedes, from sometime in the fifties or sixties, it's a small convertible in perfect condition. Colleen asks me why I'm laughing I just smile.

I pull over. I tell Colleen we may have to delay lunch, or at least switch the venue, I tell her I'll know in a minute. I get out of the car, Bella comes with me.

We walk toward the front door. The house is a small, two-story, white
frame house with black shutters. The lawn is well-tended, there are flower beds on both sides of the front door. It is a nice, clean house, it's inconspicuous, there's no reason to give it a second look.

I step to the door, ring the bell. I'm excited to see my friend, my old friend Leonard. I wait for someone to answer, push the bell again. I wait, wait, no one comes to the door. I wonder if the bell is broken. I close my fist and I knock. I wait, nothing, knock again, nothing. I think about leaving a note, decide against it, I don't know the details of this situation. Bella and I walk back to the car. I'm not disappointed, I know he's here because of the Mercedes. I'll come back until someone answers the door. I'll keep coming back.

We go to lunch. I try again after lunch, there's no one home.

I try again before dinner, there's no one home.

I try again after dinner.

No one home.