My Dog's a Scaredy-Cat (13 page)

From inside the haunted house, Ashley suddenly let out a bloodcurdling shriek. We hadn't even rehearsed that, but it couldn't have come at a better time. McKelty jumped three feet off the ground.

I held the door flap open and McKelty walked in. The first thing he saw was the skeleton, glowing in the corner.

“Nick McKelty! I've been waiting to meet you,” the skeleton said in a deep voice, breathing heavily. “Shake my hand.”

That was Frankie, doing his Darth Vader impersonation. This wasn't rehearsed either, but again, an excellent idea.

McKelty approached the skeleton and reached for his hand. As soon as he touched it . . .

Plop!
The arm fell off and rolled to the floor.

McKelty jumped four feet in the air this time. I could hear him gasp. When he saw me looking at him, he tried to act like he hadn't just done that.

“Big deal,” he said to me. “It's just a fake hand.”

But I saw his eye twitch.

I guided him over to the table with the grape eyes and spaghetti brains.

“The monster Frankenstein has lost his eyes,” I whispered. “He asks that you help find them.”

Quickly, I grabbed McKelty's hand and pushed it into the bowl of slimy grapes Emily was holding. Just as his hand touched the grapes, Katherine let out a huge hiss. Again, unrehearsed, but another brilliant addition, if I do say so myself.

“What was that?” McKelty said, pulling his hand away from the grapes as fast as you could say “iguana breath.”

“The eyes saw you,” I whispered. “They're following you now.”

“Those eyes are alive?” McKelty asked, his voice shaking.

“The eyes see all,” Emily hissed, sounding so much like Katherine it sort of scared me, too.

Katherine hissed again and Emily joined in, then Robert. It was a regular hissfest, coming at McKelty from every direction. He backed away really fast—and as he did, he bumped into Robert, who was holding the brains. I snatched McKelty's hand and plunged it into the goopy hat.

“Dracula's brains,” I whispered in his ear. “They are alive and thinking of ways to harm you.”

“Why me?” said McKelty. “I didn't do anything!” I could hear his voice cracking.

Then came the moment I had been waiting for!

I gave Frankie a sign, and he lowered the spiders, fast this time. They plunged down and landed smack on the back of McKelty's neck. Bull's-eye! As he turned around to bat them off, I pulled the napkin off of Ashley's blood-streaked face.

“The tarantulas!” she screamed. “They're eating my flesh!”

I thought McKelty was going to pee in his pants right there. Maybe he even did. It was too dark to see. The only thing I can tell you is that he screamed like a baby who wants his bottle.

And then, something else happened. Something unexpected. Something truly terrifying.

We heard thundering footsteps coming across the room.

Boom, boom, boom,
they went.

I looked around the haunted house. We were all in there. Who could this be? Talk about unrehearsed! This was totally unexpected!

The footsteps were followed by a voice. It was soft and low, which made it even scarier.

“I vant to suck your blood!” it said. “Who will be my next victim?”

I swear to you, I was sure there was a real vampire in the room with us. I looked up, and there, peering over the top of the sheet was an actual vampire! I'm not kidding. He was tall with black slicked-back hair and a black velvet cape. His face was white and ugly. Dark red blood was dribbling out of his mouth.

He reached out his huge hand and grabbed at us. I screamed so loud, you could probably hear me from where you are now. Cheerio bolted from my arms and took off to parts unknown. Ashley and Frankie and Emily and Robert all screamed, too.

And McKelty, well, I thought he was going to collapse.

“I'm getting out of here!” he yelled. “That guy's real!”

McKelty was so panicked, he started to run in circles. When he couldn't find the door flap, he just barreled into the wall of the haunted house and brought the whole bedspread down in a heap. The vampire reached out and grabbed his collar.

“Don't suck my blood!” McKelty yelled. “Pleeasse!!!”

He wriggled free from the vampire's hand and took off, screaming down the hall. He ran into my bedroom and slammed the door. He thought it was the front door of the apartment. A second later, my bedroom door flung open and Nick the Tick ran down the front hall with his mouth wide open, trying to scream. He was so scared, no sound came out. The vampire chased him, but McKelty got out of the apartment just in time. He must have finally got his voice back, because we could hear him screaming “Don't hurt me!” all the way down the elevator.

As for me, I had only one thought. Where was Cheerio? I raced around the living room looking for him. Even if there was a bloodsucking vampire in my house, I had promised to protect Cheerio, and that's just what I was going to do.

But the vampire had beat me to it. He was bending down by the couch, trying to convince Cheerio to come out from his hiding place.

“Get away!” I shouted at the vampire. “That's my dog!”

“I don't vant to scare him,” the vampire said. “I love animals. Like my cow, Olga, back in Poltava. She was good friend to me.”

“Vlady!” I said.

He peeled off his rubber mask. The vampire face disappeared and there he was, our lovable sandwich maker.

“Yes, it's me, Hank,” he said.

When Cheerio saw Vlady's face, he came scurrying out from under the couch and jumped in his lap. He loves Vlady because Vlady always gives him the leftover meat from his sandwiches.

When the kids saw it was Vlady, they all came over and gathered around.

“You were stupendous, man,” Frankie said to Vlady.

“Awesome,” Ashley agreed.

“Did you see McKelty run?” Emily laughed.

“He looked like a scared rabbit,” Robert said. “Actually, a hare to be more precise. Hares run faster than rabbits.”

We all took a minute to just enjoy the thought of McKelty screaming out of the house. Let's face it, the guy deserved it.

Then a thought occurred to me.

“Let me ask you something, Vlady,” I said. “How did you know that McKelty would be here?”

“I could smell his blood,” he said.

His blue eyes were twinkling again.

“Come on. Tell us the truth. How'd you know when to come?”

“Vampires don't tell their secrets.”

“Vlady, enough of the kidding.”

“Are you sure I am kidding?” he said.

Vlady yawned. I noticed his lips looked awfully red from the fake blood. It was fake blood, wasn't it? It had to be.

“I am tired,” he said. “Now I must go sleep in my coffin.”

“Vlady, you don't really sleep in a coffin,” I laughed.

“It belonged to my grandfather Boris,” Vlady said.

It occurred to me that I had never seen Vlady's apartment. I was sure he didn't really have a coffin there.

I mean, he couldn't. Right?

Because there's no such thing as a vampire.

Right?

Right?

Absolutely right.

WE NEVER GOT TO TRICK-OR-TREAT. But I'm telling you, what we got that night was sweeter than two hundred bags of Halloween candy. The picture of Nick the Tick McKelty streaking out of our apartment like his pants were on fire is a picture I'm going to hold in my mind for ever and ever. Even as I think of it right now, it makes me feel like I want to stand up and shout “yes” at the top of my lungs.

As a matter of fact, I think I will. Care to join me?

“YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!”