My Dear Stranger (10 page)

CHAPTER 9

My Dear Stranger X
Last night my dear stranger came to me again.  It had only been a month since His last visit, but as i woke to His beautiful eyes, my longing seemed unbearable.
Suddenly, i remembered our last visit together lacked the physical and emotional commitment which we had built over the years, due to my own resentment and sadness.  However, when i looked at His face i knew He had forgiven my previous hostility, just as i had forgiven His absence throughout the brutality i had endured.
Running across my room i greeted my stranger with a hug so tight i could barely breathe.  Being held tightly in return, i realized my love had grown stronger than i could've ever imagined.
Kissing my forehead, my stranger came alive with happiness.  i could see the pleasure on His face at my forgiveness.  And i could see the pleasure my forgiveness gave through the embrace that followed.
We were together again.  And though my own recent brutality still threatened, in my dear stranger’s arms, the torture eased while He remained with me.
My dear stranger took my body into His arms and gently carried me to my bed.  He lay underneath me, allowing my body to fit neatly into His embrace. 

Initially, i felt a slight uneasiness at this intimacy because of the recent savagery i had endured.
  However, just as quickly as it came, my uneasiness faded into the night because i was with my dear stranger and nothing could have made me feel more peaceful or secure.
My stranger held me, caressing my face and hair, so soothing and calm.  He made my body feel light as i fought my mind for sleep.  Inevitably, my body won the battle and sleep claimed me.
But the nightmares struck and the brutality tortured.  i was alive but unable to stop the pain.  Crying and screaming i tried to fight it but i couldn't.  i was powerless against him.  Again.
Suddenly, i found myself awake fighting my dear stranger for seconds until i realized the pain had all been another nightmare memory to torture.  My newest brutality had been dreamed memories, but this time He was there for me.
He was there! 

i was safe and alone no longer.
  He would alleviate my pain and wipe away all my tears.  He would make the pain distant, at least until He left me again.
And i just couldn't help myself.  i couldn't contain my desperation.
‘‘Please don't leave me again.  i’m begging you!  Please don't leave me this time because i can't cope with all of this alone!’  i screamed these words surprising us both.  And with no reply, He took me back into His arms for another tight embrace.
And we lay together for hours while all the horrific felt afar.  No words were spoken though i knew one day soon i would tell my dear stranger all that had occurred.  i would tell Him all that had happened to me.  i would tell Him how hard i fought.  i would tell Him how i had screamed for Him to take me away from the pain.  One day i would show Him my scars just as i showed Him my tears.  But not last night.  Last night was left only for security and devotion.
 

As the hours passed and daylight approached, again my eyes begged for sleep.
  Again, i tried desperately to fight it but sleep had become such a luxury in the past months my body couldn't resist the newly found security it felt within my stranger’s presence.  And as my eyes grew heavy, and my stranger kissed my eyelids so softly, i was no longer able to fight.  Quietly, i fell into unconsciousness holding my dear stranger tight.
When i woke this morning i was astonished to find my stranger still awake next to me.  He had stayed for me.  He had stayed all night.  He had heard my pleas, and he had stayed just for me!
For the first time since the attack He was here when i awoke.  For the first time i could kiss His sweet lips good morning.  For the first time there was no morning sadness nor sunrise loneliness.  For the first time i could breathe after sleep because He was here for me completely.
As i turned to kiss my stranger's lips i saw His eyes of pain, and i instantly wondered what i had screamed in my sleep.  i wondered what secrets of brutality i had told.
But before i could panic at my unintentional confessions my stranger kissed my lips and smiled a smile so beautiful for me, my anxiety rested.  All my questions didn't matter because He was still here and He had stayed for me.
Sadly, my stranger stood and bent to kiss my forehead.  He walked slowly to my bedroom door.  But wanting to scream 'Don't leave me!' i didn't speak.  i remained silent as tears fell down my cheeks and my heart cried.  He was leaving me.  And even though i believed He would return to me again, my sadness was overwhelming.
i watched His body walk from my room and down the hall.  i watched my dear stranger turn and blow one final kiss.  i watched... until I couldn’t see His body anymore.
Desperate and motionless, my mind raced and my body ached.  i couldn't control my stream of tears from falling.  i couldn't control my thoughts of finality and panic from surfacing.
What if He left me forever?  What if He never returned to me?  How could i live without the love shared with my dear stranger?  How could i continue...?
Minutes after His departure i let the fear and desperation take me as I fell asleep once again.  i knew what horrors were about to abuse me, and i knew the pain that was about to destroy me, but i simply didn't have the strength to fight any longer.
i allowed the exhaustion to take me.  And just as I fell into the darkness, I suddenly exhaled as i realized He would return to me and He would return for us.

November 1999
19 years old

My Dear Stranger
XI
Last night my dear stranger came to me.
i had awoke from a light, haunted sleep to find His beautiful eyes watching my body in agony, as He too looked agonized.  My heart broke when i saw His horrified face, but my love grew even greater when i watched His horror turn into a beautiful smile for me.  In that one moment i wanted to be held so tightly, i could barely contain my excitement.  God, my stranger is so amazing, and He loves me wholly!
Once i was fully awake and no longer suffering my nightmares, my stranger slowly walked across my room as He greeted my longing with a warm embrace.  In His arms i was filled with happiness, as tears fell down my cheeks when He kissed my lips and breathed deep into my body.
Again, we were together.  Again, i wanted only my stranger to take me away from all my pain.  Again, i wanted His sweet lips to caress my sorrow away.  And again, i was comforted by His love so great and so amazingly rare, i often lost my breath when He was near.
While embracing, i pressed my lips so firmly against my stranger's that from His lips escaped a little moan.  Slightly pleased by my own aggression i smiled and held Him even tighter.  Grabbing His body, i squeezed and groped until finally He broke our embrace seemingly confused and frustrated by my sexual aggression.
And staring into my stranger's eyes i questioned His actions, but there was no reply.
I remember wondering why He looked so unimpressed with me.  Was this physical pleasure not what He desired?  Did He no longer desire me?  And as my heart began to race i wondered was He finally leaving me?
Every insecurity of every year we had been together surfaced.  Every inhibition screamed.  Every memory of past brutality cut deep into my soul.  Every single peaceful moment between us ceased.  Every shared kiss suddenly faded away.
The pain of His rejection had become so great that my heart died in that very moment inside my chest.  My mind became shattered with thoughts, fears and memories.  My body simply couldn’t stand the pain.  My breath left me empty.
And suddenly i collapsed, watching my dear stranger's face fade away...
When i became conscious my stranger smiled so beautifully, i had forgotten why i had become so stricken.  But just as quickly as i woke, the memory returned.
Sobbing uncontrollably, i looked to my stranger for answers- for a reason as to His distance.  And as He wiped my tears, my stranger began a horrendous journey of unforgiving thoughts, desperation, and regrets with me.
Crying Himself, my stranger told me of His own broken, bleeding heart.  A heart filled with angst over the brutality i had endured He thought it was impossible to recover from.  He spoke of the great pain within His own soul and of the intense need to avenge my life- my life taken from us and shattered by another.
My stranger screamed in agony and He cried with remorse.  And throughout i tried desperately to accept His words without feeling for my own pain as i wiped His tears and held Him softly.  But again He became distant toward me.
 

When i questioned Him again, my stranger shook and suddenly apologized for needing me when it was i who should be depending on Him.
  When I understood, i smiled for him.  i suddenly understood His distress clearly, as i battled my own resentments and hostility toward all around us.  In that moment I knew my stranger was weak and completely dependent on me for release and understanding.  And it was an amazing feeling in that moment to know He truly needed me as well.  It was a moment in which i was the strength for us.
Sometime later, my dear stranger asked the questions i had been dreading for months.  He wanted to know what happened.  He wanted to hear from my very lips the horrific truth.  He wanted to sit and hear my words relay to Him all which i could possibly bare- all that my heart would allow.  He wanted every detail i could detail and He wanted to bleed just as i uncovered all that had caused my own blood and humiliation to flow.
Suddenly, my body ached and my mind raced.  My tears flowed and my heart pounded.  My soul screamed and my throat tightened.  My insanity retrieved what my sanity had fought for.
i did want my stranger to know everything.  i did want Him to fully understand my new sadness.  i did want to give Him all the answers He craved.  i did want Him to hear each word fall from my lips as i held back the wretched screams of slaughter... But i was unable to speak.
So silently we sat together.  Silently, we both fought the pain and anguish.  Silently, we each waited for my words.
And when finally my words surfaced i was surprised by my own restraint and eloquence.  i spoke clearly and as delicately as possible, wanting no added pain for my stranger or for myself.  Hours passed as i told my tale but time stood still between us.  Both my stranger and i breathed deep and fought so strongly.
When i had told all that memory and personal suffering would allow, i looked to my stranger for some meaningful words.  But instead of words, He held me so tightly my strength subsided and a mental collapse beckoned me home.
Tears and wails.  Shaking and vomiting.  Hysteria and fatigue.  Silence and wordiness... All surfaced in my mania.
My breakdown, my release, my homecoming was complete.  Where i was going to end up was unknown and unquestioned.  What was to become of me was also unknown.  What was to become of us was feared, but undecided.
The truth was known.  The story had been told.  The brutality now had a living audience.  And my dear strange delved into silence.
Together, He and i would never be the same.  Together, we would have demons and nightmares.  Together, promises of safety and security were rendered invalid.  We would either recover or we would surrender to the pain.
The silence that followed was overwhelming and yet completely expected.  Neither my stranger nor i could find words to release the demons and nightmares inside, nor could we distinguish between our new reality and the reality of our past pleasure and loving naïveté.
We were together and now we carried each other through the nightmares.  The demons which slaughtered now had the two of us to fight.
Hours faded away and sunrise glory climbed.  My dear stranger was alive for me as i am living only for Him.
When i awoke this morning alone my heart broke, but then I remembered our night together.  My dear stranger has been given my life just as i cherish His life within my heart.
i know He will again visit just as i know He has not left me.  i know, but i’m a little frightened by the demons and the effects they will have on my dear stranger and i.
But until He returns i will dream of only His beautiful eyes watching me in my darkness.

November 1999
19 years old

*****

 
Looking around my garage, I’m disgusted again.  I haven’t slept or eaten in a long time, and I feel weak with the physical neglect of my body.

  Why do I feel like a really good mother but crazy at the same time?
Aren't those two concepts truly mutually exclusive of each other? How can a good mother be crazy as well?  I don't know.  And if I wasn't me, I would think it wasn't possible.  But I am me, and I do think it’s possible.  I KNOW I'm a good mother, just as I know I'm not normal, or okay, or really, even truly sane anymore.  I know that but somehow where Jamie is concerned, I am a terrifically together, loving, supportive mother.  
 It's like my personality shifts, or I just lose myself completely in loving and caring for my son.  I look at him, and I forget everything
but
him.  He is my world, and I love him, and because of my love for him, I'm able to put all my insanity and neurosis and insecurities, if not completely away, I can at least hide them so they don't affect Jamie in any way.
 At least that's what I tell myself.  And I think I'm right.  I think I do a great job mothering my son with little to none of my crazy past around him.
 Sure, I can be a little obsessive with his health, and yes I panic about any potential danger he may suffer from time to time, but overall, I think I hide my real true intense panic from him quite well.
 Jamie seems very well adjusted and happy.  He knows his mommy loves him, and he knows he is very special to his mom. He knows he is loved and cared for, so I think I've done a good job.  Actually, I
know
I have.  
 From the day he was placed in my arms I put all my stuff aside so I could focus on being an amazing mother to him.
 That's what I think, honestly.  And completely objectively, I'm pretty sure I'm right, too.