My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (55 page)

But hearing my asshole was rebelling against me wasn’t nearly as disquieting as the info the doc imparted regarding the creams he’d prescribed: “In a few weeks,” he said. “You’ll feel fifty percent better.”

I was quietly outraged. Was this the best modern medicine could offer? Fifty percent better
in a few weeks
?! I don’t wanna hear about anything less than one hundred percent better in a few hours, if not “After I tap you with this magic wand, your asshole will not only be instantly healed, but from now on, it’ll periodically release a pleasant scent that’s a natural aphrodisiac.” And failing magical cures, where are all the
Star Trek
healing lasers and shit? We’re in the 21st fucking century, people! I wanna walk into a doctor’s office, lay on the table, and say “Bones, run that light-thingee over my bung-hole and high-tech my fissure shut, post-haste!” And then I want to shoot a fucking Klingon.

In the midst of this, I did, however, learn some fascinating trivia about anal hygiene. My biggest concern about my condition (outside of when it would heal) was the idea of toxic waste traveling along a path that sported an open wound. How could this
NOT
lead to infection, I asked the ass-doc, to which he replied “Your anus isn’t nearly as virile as your mouth. The bacteria that lives in your mouth thrives on oxygen, so it’s much worse than any of the bacteria in your stool. If you had an open wound on each arm, and you rubbed shit into one and
your saliva into the other, the saliva-treated wound has a much higher chance of becoming infected.” This doc, it seemed, really relied heavily on the cut-arm metaphors to get his points across, but it was effective, as he was able to make me understand a concept my conservative critics have been trying to unsuccessfully impart to me for over a decade now...

I’ve got a dirty mouth.

And apparently, it’s dirtier than my asshole.

But this all begs the question that if a dog’s mouth is supposedly cleaner than a human’s mouth, would that put a dog’s mouth on the same hygienic level as your asshole? And is that because dogs eat shit, and shit’s apparently cleaner than saliva? The mind reels.

Regardless, that’s where I’ve been for the last month: in varying states of little brown starfish distress. The moral of the story: drink lots of water (it’s a natural stool softener, apparently), spend as little time sitting on the bowl as possible (stop, drop, and go), never “bear down” (if the shit ain’t ready to come out by itself, don’t force it out by straining; just wait), and don’t lick cuts on your body — you’d be better off rubbing shit into them instead (though don’t do that either).

Without good rectal health, you have nothing.

The
Clerks II
Teaser

Monday 9 January 2006 @ 7:31 a.m.

Over the last week or so, I’ve been cutting together a teaser for the new flick, and this morning, we post it over at the
Clerks II
website. Cruise on over there and peep it when you get a chance.

For those who’re trying to avoid spoilers, don’t worry: it’s not a very
revealing
two minutes, as it gives away precious little about the movie’s plot. It’s merely a sneak peek at what
Clerks II
looks and feels like, set to one of my favorite tunes of all time: ‘Among the Living’, by Anthrax (for the curious, this isn’t the original recording of ‘Among’; this is a re-recording of the song from the excellent album
The Greater of Two Evils
).

Some folks have asked why I’m even bothering to put any footage of the flick out there, eight months before it’ll hit theaters. The only reason I can cite is that I’m proud of the flick; I fucking love it, and I can’t wait to share it with the world. Just as
Clerks
was a film about what I felt it was like to be in my twenties,
Clerks II
is a film about how I feel it’s like to be in my thirties, and for the audience which has made that trans-generational journey along with us over the last decade, I think it’s gonna really connect in a big way. But chuck that aside: after the great test run of the flick last month, as well as the enthusiastic response from Quentin and Robert, this just felt like the right time to put up some footage for the fan-base.

But to do a full trailer this far in advance of our theatrical release would be akin to us getting into a sixty nine with the viewer, blowing (or licking) them while hovering our sopping wet pussy/throbbing hard cock within an inch of their face, and then quickly dismounting before any spasms of release and euphoria could occur, getting dressed, and telling them we’ll see ’em in August, while heading out the door. Rather than subject folks to that, we present, instead, the cinematic equivalent of a genital flash: just a quick enough glimpse of what we have in store for you to give you something to think about while you’re tugging/rubbing one out over the next few months, with the added promise of three-hole input down the road (sorry ladies: I couldn’t think of the male equivalent of three-hole input... except maybe the utter and complete lack of
request
for three-hole input).

So without further adieu, I give you a little whiff of
Clerks II
...

http://www.clerks2.com/teaser/

Wednesday 18 January 2006 @ 1:26 p.m.

In an effort to fill out my Academy Awards ballot (due tomorrow), I went over the handy booklet AMPAS included with their mailer that catalogs all the 2005 releases and came up with a list of what flicks I’d seen from the last calendar year. To wit...

White Noise
Assault on Precinct 13
Boogey Man
Inside Deep Throat
Constantine
Cursed
Be Cool
The Jacket
Hostage
Sin City
The Amityville Horror
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Crash
House of Wax
Kingdom of Heaven
Monster-in-Law
Revenge of the Sith
Dominion: Prequel to Exorcist
The Longest Yard
Madagascar
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Batman Begins
Herbie: Fully Loaded
Bewitched
Land of the Dead
War of the Worlds
Dark Water
Fantastic Four
Murderball
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The Island
Sky High
Pretty Persuasion
Skeleton Key
Valiant
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Corpse Bride
A History of Violence
Capote
Good Night and Good Luck
In Her Shoes
The Squid and the Whale
Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Dreamer
Jarhead
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Walk the Line
Rent
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Syriana
King Kong
Munich
Match Point
Brokeback Mountain
Cinderella Man
Wedding Crashers
The Constant Gardener
The Cave
Upside of Anger
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Transporter 2
November
Cry Wolf
Junebug

Of that entire list, I’m kind of ashamed to admit only sixteen were viewed theatrically (and most of those were the kid flicks I saw with Harley). Granted, I was working on
Catch & Release
and
Clerks II
for most of the year, but still — why didn’t I make the time to see stuff at the movies instead of in my bedroom?

I blame the shrinking theatrical-to-DVD window, myself. Once upon a time, at the dawn of the VCR, you’d have to wait upwards of a year for a flick to wind up on home video after its initial theatrical release. Now? Sometimes, the window is as small as three months. Folks looking for a reason for the Great Box Office Slump of ‘05 need look no further than this factor. When given a choice, most folks will opt to watch movies in the comfort of their own home, on their DVD players. By rushing these flicks from their theatrical run to their home video run (in an effort to capitalize on the marketing dollars spent opening a flick theatrically), the studios are muffling the siren’s call that tempts most of us from our flat-screen cocoons and into the multiplexes. Why leave the house when you can peep the same flick in less than six months while laying on your couch? Nude, if you want, to boot.

I can recall a specific example of this kinda “Let’s wait” attitude: the wife and I were thinking about going out to see
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
when it was in theaters. We started to throw the face-the-world clothes on, when both of us started backpedaling with “Do we
really
wanna get dressed, get in the car, head down to the Arclight, park, buy snacks, watch the flick, get back in the car, and drive home when this flick’ll be on DVD a few months from now?” The answer was no, and we wound up watching some other flick at home instead, catching up with
Emily
less than a year later. Fuck the alleged rampant piracy that’s supposedly crippling the movie industry;
this
is what’s hurting the box office.

But fuck my politics. Since I got the list of what I bought, how about a list of what I thought? At least in regards to my favorite flicks of the year.

My Faves of 2005

The One I’ll Take Shit For, Part 1:
War of the Worlds

Fuck you, I dug it. It was my favorite movie of last year, hands-down.
War
is a well-made, edge-of-your-seat thriller, and Dakota Fanning is awesome in it. Even though we all knew the ending, Mr Spielberg somehow made this a gripping watch.

The One Everybody Likes:
Brokeback Mountain

This ain’t just the gay cowboy movie: it’s the saddest flick I’ve seen all year. And I love sad flicks — particularly well-made/well-acted ones about people not living their lives the way they really want to. Heath Ledger didn’t give a performance in this flick: his Ennis
exists
— that’s how genius his non-performance was. Not since Billy Bob Thornton in Raimi’s underrated
A Simple Plan
has an actor been buried so deep in a character that you forget there’s acting going on. Ang Lee, whose film directorial choices are always all over the place in a great way (
Wedding Banquet
to
Sense and Sensibility
to
Hulk
to
Brokeback
) made a great, great film.

The One I’ll Take Shit For, Part 2:
Revenge of the Sith

Fuck you, I dug it. I thought it was a great way to end the
Star Wars
saga. Dismiss me all you want, but c’mon: that was a fantastic opening half hour. And at the end of it all, we got Vader back in black.

The One That Made Me Happy:
Crash

Such a good flick. And no unhappy endings (well, mostly).

The One That Made Me Feel Dumb:
Syriana

I loved
Traffic
, so it was no stretch to love this flick, too. Great script, great performances. And it confirmed my worst fears about pool lights.

The One I’ll Take Shit For, Part 3:
Dreamer

Fuck you, I dug it. The trailer made me cry more than the movie, but I felt it was still a great watch. Once again, that Dakota kid’s awesome. And why didn’t anyone else ever think to pair up Kris Kristofferson and Kurt Russell as father and son before? “I love the stupid King” too.

The One That Surprised Me:
Cinderella Man

Alright, there were one too many instances of “People were so poor during the Depression...” (“How poor were they?”., but the second half of the flick more than made up for it. Great performances all around (especially Russell Crowe and Paul Giamatti), and an unusually good job by Ron Howard. And not being well-versed in sports lore, I was so glad to not know how it was gonna end.

The One That Made Me Feel Guilty for Not Doing More:
The Constant Gardener

Strong, well-made flick, with great performances, but fuck, did it leave me feeling like I’m not doing enough for the world outside my own.

The One That Did the Impossible:
Sin City

Robert and Frank Miller somehow managed to take the
Sin City
graphic novels and put ’em up on screen as... the
Sin City
graphic novels. This flick was, visually, an amazing achievement, and fun as fuck to watch.

The One That Reminded Me of Why I Got Into Film in the First Place:
Junebug

It’s out on DVD now. Pick it up and give it a watch — not just for Amy Adams’ performance, but because it’s a really wonderfully drawn, quiet portrait of small town life and manners. This flick really stuck with me.

Honorable Mentions

A History of Violence
: Yay, Cronenberg and his great cast.

Capote
: For Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s performance alone.

Wedding Crashers
: Vince Vaughn made this flick for me.

The 40 Year Old Virgin
: Two words: Seth motherfuckin’ Rogen.

Inside Deep Throat
: My second favorite documentary of the year.

Sky High
: It was a Kurt Russell kinda year for me, and this clever flick was another reason why.

Good Night and Good Luck
: David Strathairn, an actor I’ve always dug, in another impressive, Clooney-helmed flick.

Mrs. Henderson Presents
: What can I say? I’m a Judy Dench-whore.

Batman Begins
: For Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine alone (not to mention Christian Bale, Liam Neeson, and Cillian Murphy).

And last, but certainly not least, my favorite documentary of the year,
Reel Paradise
. Yes, I was an exec-producer on this flick, and some may say it’s kinda gauche to champion your own shit, but fuck you, I dug it. It’s a doc about some
of my favorite subjects on the planet: movies and John Pierson. It’s coming to DVD in a few months, so keep an eye out for it.

Friday 20 January 2006 @ 11:14 a.m.

Professionally speaking, 2004 was a pretty bad year for me. It was the year of
Jersey Girl
— a film that I loved dearly, but will forever be remembered as “that other Bennifer movie” to most. After wrapping the flick in November of 2002, we embarked on what turned out to be a far longer post-production journey than we ever imagined traveling. Delivering that flick to theaters was akin to the loooooong-ass, three-flick walk of the Hobbit movies to Mount Doom. However, whereas Frodo got to complete his quest by pitching the One Ring into molten lava, thus saving Middle Earth, and Peter Jackson ended his chautauqua with a fist full of Oscar and box office gold, the end result of our
Jersey Girl
march of death saw me and Mos watching our flick engulfed in a swirling maelstrom of lava like the Ring itself. And then, a big bird carried us off, where our story continued for another twenty minutes.