My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (5 page)

Sacked out on the bed, in front of the T V, I watch the rest of
The Final Cut
while posting and checking email.

Gail serves up family dinner and following the meal, Harley heads to Nan and Pop’s room for Movie Night (
SpongeBob
and
The Wind in the Willows
). Jen and I watch Sayles’ latest,
Silver City
, during which Jen starts to get sick from some bad cheese she thinks she’s eaten. She lays down, and I pack for the early morning airport run. We fall asleep watching TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Saturday 2 April 2005 @ 12:05 p.m.

I wake up before the dogs and jump in the shower. I check the board while I’m drying, get dressed, and kiss the sleeping Schwalbach goodbye.

Byron drops me at the airport and I jump on the plane for N.J. I’m ticked to discover the United flight I’m on doesn’t have power-ports in the seats, so at a certain point, I’m gonna run out of juice for the laptop. The in-flight flick’s
Ocean’s Twelve
(which I’d never seen but wind up really liking), so that’s two hours during which I’m not depleting the laptop battery. When the movie’s over, I watch some
Degrassi
episodes from the current season that I’d missed. On the fourth ep, the battery dies, so I go back to reading the treatment for the ****** movie before I fall asleep.

We land at Newark. The weather’s insanely shitty. I pick up a rental SUV and drive through the downpour to the MotherLand. Instead of taking the Red Bank exit, I get off at 117 and take Rt. 36 — the scenic route. It’s always a roll down memory lane when I get back into town and drive past places like Bethany Rd. and Dante Tuxedos. I wouldn’t be who I am or do what I do today without a lifetime of inspirado, courtesy of Monmouth County.

I get to the Molly Pitcher and check in. Thank Christ — they’ve finally upgraded and installed the ethernet. In fact, they’ve gone WiFi. I check the board and email and order some room service.

I head to the Basie, park at the loading dock, and head inside. After a few pics for and with Mark Voger (of the Asbury Park Press), I head outside, grab some fresh air before the long haul that’s to come, then head out onstage for the Q&A.

Seven hours later, post-Q&A, I hit the store for a late-night signing. Walt, Mike Z (HelperMonkee to you folks) Ming and Xtian help out. By the time we wrap up, it’s light outside. At 6:20 a.m., I head back to the Molly Pitcher for some sleep.

Sunday 3 April 2005 @ 12:05 p.m.

I get up at 11:00 a.m., take a shower, and head over to the store. Walt and Jeff lay out what’s left of the
Silent Bob Speaks
books for me to sign, as well as a pile of
Evening With
s. The guy who runs the River’s Edge Café next door sends over some breakfast which I down while chit-chatting with some board-ers who roll by.

I’m off to Newark where I turn the car in and jump on the plane to Chicago’s O’Hare.

I sleep most of the flight, which winds up being extended because we’re circling at O’Hare for a while, and when we land, we don’t have a gate. I finally get off the plane and outside where I’m met by my brother Donald who’s in town for the show. Mom was supposed to be there as well, but she’s come down with a
heavy-duty flu that’s prevented her from attending.

Don and I drive out to Crystal Lake and we chit-chat about the gig, the online store (which he runs), Jen’s impending birthday (7 April), and a bunch of other stuff. We stop at Quizno’s so I can grab a Steakhouse Beef Dip on low carb flat-bread before we hit the Raue.

We get to the Raue and a dude is waiting for me out back with some DVD covers and a Sharpie. My hands are full of my bags so I shrug and hustle inside, say hi to Judy Irwin and Co., and duck into my dressing room to change the shirt I’ve dripped some Quizno’s onto earlier. Fifteen minutes after I get to the gig, I’m being introduced and rolling out onstage.

The gig goes swimmingly. Great house, great crowd, great questions. Before I know it, six hours have gone by. I say my g’nights, sign a few things for the Raue folks backstage, sign a few things for the guy who was waiting for me outside when I got to the Raue, then collapse into the car and go. On the ride back, I fight to stay awake by talking to Don.

We get to the Hilton at the airport (Don’s staying elsewhere), and Don has me sign about twenty
Marvels, Mutants, and Monsters
DVDs before I hug him goodbye and stumble toward check-in.

I get to my room and open the computer. I check my email to see that Gail’s changed my return flight to LA, which allows me to sleep in an extra two hours. I fall asleep watching a Spectravision-rented
Ocean’s Twelve
.

Monday 4 April 2005 @ 11:56 a.m.

Because there are no dogs, I wake up at the Hilton Airport at O’Hare around ten o’clock. Ah, sweet no-dog sleep.

Rockin’ the morning wood, and I’ve got a few minutes, so I tug one out to pics of Jen and head to the shower.

As I dry, I take a peek at the board to gauge reaction to this weekend’s Q&As. I get dressed and walk to the airport.

At the gate, I’m told that I’m not on the 11:30, but on the 12:40 instead. I head to the other gate where I’m told I was, indeed, on the 11:30, but it’s now locked out, and I’m currently on standby for the 12:40, but they can put me on the 3:00 p.m. I stare, dead-eyed, at the attendant and opt for the 3:00 p.m. to LAX.

Rather than bitch and moan, I head for the Admiral’s Club lounge and, with over three hours to kill, order up a beer. Then another. Then another.

By two o’clock, I’ve got a good buzz going on. I’m checking the board, checking email, walking the LA-based Jenny through iTunes and iChat as I dirty talk her from my booth in the Admiral’s Club. Even though I’ve snapped one off this a.m., I’m more than ready to be ravished by her when I get home. I contemplate getting flat-out sloppy drunk on the plane during the four-hour flight home, but decide instead to sleep the time away. In an effort to aid this, I order my fourth and final Michelob Ultra.

My brother Don rolls into the Admiral’s Club and we talk about the gig the night before, as well as the friend of the poster in the Midwest Q&A thread who called me a jerk for not signing after the show. He drops me off at my gate before heading to his gate for his Orlando departure.

Prior to takeoff, I read some
Boondocks
until I fall asleep. I wake up during the food service to find that the two options for dinner are now one: all the chicken strips are gone, so all they have left is pizza. I pass on the pizza and crack open the laptop, plug in to the seat, and watch
My Own Private Idaho
for the first time in about a decade (it still holds up). Following that, I get through about half a doc called
The Secret Lives of Adult Stars
before it’s time to land.

Jen’s stuck in traffic, so I’m waiting at the arrivals level for a half hour. During that time, I talk to Mos on the cell, and he informs me that we’ve started getting some cashflow on
Clerks 2
. Jen shows up and we head back to the house.

I hit the bathroom, and then we hit the bedroom. After a quickie, we head upstairs for family dinner with Byron, Gail, and Harley. Quinnster’s feverish — so much so that they sent her home from school today. She barely touches her food, so Jen sends me to the Ralph’s for a thermometer, Pedialyte stuff (popsicles and fever reducer) and ice cream for the Sicko Chicko.

I get home, hand out the goods, and dig into some low carb ice cream in the kitchen. Jen appears and after we make out a little, she whips up a pair of strawberry milkshakes for Harley. I give the dogs some Milkbones and head down to the room.

I throw on the loungin’ wear and catch up with Sunday night’s
Simpsons
and
Arrested Development
. Jen brings Harley up to our couch where she’ll be planted for the night. Harley shows me her third loose tooth and I kiss her g’night. As she falls asleep, I’m in the bed, updating my diary-thing, while Jen’s upstairs smoking and watching TV.

Jen joins me in bed and I close up the laptop for the night, as we nestle ourselves in the sweet-yet-just embrace of Jack McCoy and
Law & Order
, during which we fall asleep.

Tuesday 5 April 2005 @ 11:58 a.m.

The dogs start getting restless at 7:20. Jen and I play the “You let ’em out” / ”No, you are the one who should let the dogs out...” game for a minute or two before I lose and hoof it up the stairs to let the dogs out.

I head to the bathroom to shit, check email, and update the diary.

I switch from laptop to desk-top and continue with the email and board stuff. Over on iChat, Walt and I go over some light Stash East refurbishments I wanna do.

Jen gets up late and we hang out with Harley for a bit. She’s still feeling under the weather, so she’s gonna rest up today. I shower and Jen and I head to Quizno’s for lunch.

Afterwards, I drop Jen off at the doctor’s and I cruise over to Laser Blazer for the new DVDs. Following that, I stop by a newsstand and pick up the latest
Empire
magazine.

I pick up Jen and we head back to the house. She runs in and grabs a dress she wants to have tailored, and we head over to the Valley to the cleaners. While Jen’s inside, I talk to Ernie O’Donnell on the cell about the Stash East refurbishments. Jen grabs some Coffee Bean and we head back home.

I sack out in front of the TiVo and do some iChat biz while watching Jack McCoy bust some ass on
Law & Order
. Jen has a meeting about our poetry event in the living room with Daniella and Russell Milton, as dinner begins in the kitchen for me, Harley, Byron and Gail.

I inhale a chicken breast and a cheeseburger while we all chit-chat about our respective days. At the tail end of the meal, Malcolm and Andre come over. They grab some barbecue as well, while I take Harley in to Jen to say goodnight. Quinnster heads downstairs with Nan and Pop while me, Malcolm and Andre head to my room to watch a new cut of their documentary,
Small Town/Gay Bar
. It’s some excellent, excellent stuff and we talk about the possible involvement of Norman Lear and the Sundance Channel.

During the screening, Mewes comes home after a long day on the set of the new flick he’s doing. We talk about maybe going to the Bicycle Casino in Long Beach, but opt instead to get him some In-N-Out so he can crash with a DVD full of
Murder, She Wrote
s. Malcolm and Andre head off, and me and Mewes take a ride down to Sunset for a Double-Double, Animal Style. He tells me about the shoot and how it’s going on the flick, ‘til we get home. He heads to his room and I head upstairs with some In-N-Out for Jen, whose meeting has ended. We fall asleep watching TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Wednesday 6 April 2005 @ 11:58 a.m.

6:30. Fucking 6:30. Why can’t these dogs sleep ‘til ten? I let ’em out of the room but, mercifully, Byron’s upstairs to let ’em out-out. I head to the bathroom, take a leak, then retire to my office to update the diary.

Mewes wakes up, and I take him to get some smokes. We head down to the Ford dealer to pick up Byron (who dropped his truck off for some work), and I call Jen and ask her if she wants to get dressed and head to breakfast with me and Mewes, to celebrate his two years of sobriety.

I drop off Byron and pick up Jen, and her, Mewes and I hit the Griddle. We chit-chat about Mewes’s new flick, and try to figure out whether or not we’ve got enough time to hit the Bicycle Casino near Long Beach before Mewes’s call time. It would seem not, so we decide to scrap the Bike for today and do it this weekend instead.

When I get home, there’s a situation heating up — a situation which could wind up pushing the
Clerks 2
shoot by a month and change. The producer Jenno Topping (who, aside from being a producer is also the main squeeze of Project Greenlight’s Chris Moore) has sent me a script, not to direct (smart lady), but to act in. It’s this movie Susanah Grant (writer of
Erin Brokovich
) wrote and is directing called
Catch & Release
, which stars Jennifer Garner and Timothy Olyphant. I’d be playing Sam, who’s in the flick quite a bit. Somehow, off of
An Evening With Kevin Smith
, Susanah thinks I’m right for the role, and Jenno’s not doing the smart thing and trying to convince her otherwise. So Jenno and I talk about it, and she says that Phil (Raskind, my agent) insists it can’t happen, because we’re due to shoot
C2
in June. However, that schedule’s not set yet, and we’re talking about pushing maybe a month and a half here (maybe two) to do something I’ve never been offered before: a big part in a big movie.

I call Phil about it, and we hash it out, and talk about whether it’s even a possibility. By call’s end, I decide I should talk to Harvey about it.

I call Harvey and tell him about the flick. Harvey says that I should probably read the script (I haven’t, at this point; meant to take it with me to NJ and Ill last weekend, but my carry-on was overpacked already). He says: “If it’s gonna make you Tom Cruise, then do it.” I tell him it’s not gonna make me Tom Cruise, but that nothing short of a deal with Lucifer is ever gonna do that anyway. He says: “My first instinct is to say you should keep your powder dry, because you’ve got
The Passion
coming up. But if they’re gonna pay you a lot to do it...” I tell him I don’t know what I’d be getting paid, and he says to call him back once I’ve read the script — as that’s the key factor in deciding to make/be in any movie. He also tells me that Fox Searchlight might be coming in with New Co. on
Clerks 2
and handling the foreign side. Since Searchlight’s had such a killer few years lately, and since both Harvey and Searchlight previously worked together on (and did so well with their respective releases of)
Garden State
, this is awesome news.

Jen comes home from a mani/pedi/brow, and I hit her with all of this. She’s kinda floored. She says, “You never cease to amaze me.” I say, “When I’m all kinds of terrible in this flick, you’ll cease to be amazed.” She says, “If I were you, I’d be really flattered that somebody thought of you to do this at all,” to which I agree, but counter with: “But I’m not an actor. I don’t wanna be an actor. I’ve never wanted to be an actor.” She says, “Maybe that’s why they thought of you.” Regardless, she thinks I should at least give it a shot, inasmuch as I should read the script and meet with the director. I tell her I can’t read the script ‘til tonight, because I’m gonna be in the office all day working on the
Mallrats
re-cut, so she says she’s gonna give the script a read in my absence.