My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (45 page)

I head back to my room to grab some sleep. I’m supposed to have a meeting about the
Degrassi
feature script in two hours, but I push the meeting ‘til eleven so I can get some sleep.

I wake up close to eleven, shower, and head downstairs to meet with Linda, Aaron and his co-writer, Tassie. We jaw about the direction of the feature, breaking storylines, until it’s time for me to head to the airport. But since we’re not done tying up a third of the flick, I opt to take a flight that leaves two hours later, and continue with the meeting.

At meeting’s end, I run upstairs, grab my gear, wake up Mewes, and head to the airport with Jim. Mewes opts to hang out in Toronto for another day and then shoot down to Jersey, so I’m heading back solo.

The guys drop me off at the airport, I check in, and head for the first class lounge, where I check email and IM Gail and Ming. I’m shooting on
Joey
in the morning, so I ask Gail to fax Ming the pages of the script, so he can scan ’em and email ’em my way for the flight home.

I board the plane and sleep for the first three-and-a-half hours of the five-hour flight home. When I wake up, I go over the
Joey
pages and rewrite all my dialogue, before I have to pack up for landing.

Byron and Jimmy pick me up at the airport, and we talk about being married the whole ride home. I get home around nine, where Jen’s waiting for me. I jump into woobs, then email the rewrites to Scott, the
Joey
writer/producer, to make sure they’re cool with my revisions. He calls back and jokingly offers me a job, before filling me in on the morning’s shoot schedule.

Jen and I bone for an hour, then kick back with some TiVo ‘til we fall asleep.

Thursday 25 August 2005 @ 3:00 p.m.

Wake up, shower, and head over to the Warner Bros. lot, for the
Joey
shoot.

Dave Mandel’s friends with Scott Silveri, one of the creators of the show, who passed along an invitation to do a few scenes in one of this season’s new episodes. Being a whore for seeing myself on TV, I said yes. To sweeten the pot, I’m playing myself — though not the unmarried, Quinnster-less version I play on
Degrassi
.

Before I left, I got a call from another producer on the show who asked me to bring some artwork from home for the show’s version of my home office. I’ve brought along some of the framed, foreign editions of the
Clerks
posters. And when I get to the stage, the set dec folks load them out of my car while I’m led to my dressing room, and then makeup.

In makeup, I meet Matt LeBlanc, who seems like a really nice guy. He gives me a heads-up that the writers rewrote our scene last night. I tell him I rewrote the scene last night, to which he responds: “So that’s why you have all the jokes now.”

I smoke in my dressing room, going over my lines, until I’m brought down to the set for blocking. With a little time to kill, I head outside to smoke and run my lines. I’m joined by Matt and we chit-chat for a bit about the show and life on a sitcom in general, until Kevin Bright (the director, and co-creator of
Friends
) comes out to let us know we’re gonna start blocking.

Stage-based sitcoms are great, because it’s all about speed. There are usually four cameras shooting, so there’s no wait between set-ups. Matt, Miguel (the other guy in the scene) and I blow through our two scenes in about two hours, and then I say g’bye to everyone and head out. On the way to my car, I run into Jennifer Coolidge, who I met during the poetry event we hosted at our house back in the spring, as she’s a very cool person, we bullshit for a bit before I get going.

When I get home, I check out the sides for
Southland Tales
that Gail’s left at the bedroom door. It’s been about two years since I read the script, but even so, I don’t recognize any of what’s going on. Based on that, I start reading the new draft of the script.

Turns out Richard’s given the script a complete overhaul. What was once a film that played like a cross between
Pulp Fiction
and
Short Cuts
is now a quasi-sci-fi epic that plays like a cross between
Dr. Strangelove
and
Donnie Darko
. Whereas the previous draft was set in a recognizable world, this version’s set in the not-too-distant future, after a second terrorist attack on the US. Neither film is better than the other; both are pretty brilliant. This version, however, is more inscrutable — more
Darko
.

When I finish the script, I chit-chat with Jen in the bathroom as she gets ready for the
Reel Paradise
LA première. I get dressed as Scott arrives, and the three of us pick up Chay and head over to the Laemmle Music Hall, on Wilshire.

The line for the show is wrapped around the building, so I drop Jen and Chay off out front and go park. Scott and I hang out around the corner, talking about
Clerks 2
until Malcolm shows up — driving, no less (Malcolm never drives). With the crowd seated, I head inside, meet the Wellspring rep in attendance, and do the pre-flick intro.

We all hang out and watch the first ten minutes of the flick with the audience, then cross the street to Kate Mantellini’s for appetizers and drinks. The Piersons meet us at the restaurant (they just flew in from San Francisco with Steve James, the director), and we all hang out, ‘til it’s time to head over to the theater for the Q&A.

Chay, Jen and I watch the Q&A, then head home with Scott, dropping off Chay on the way. We get back to the house, Mos heads home, and Jen and I go to sleep to TiVo.

Friday 26 August 2005 @ 3:01 p.m.

Wake up, get dressed, and work out with Larry.

Afterwards, I take a shower, get dressed, then toss Mulder into the Hate Tank and shoot over to Scott’s in Echo Park. We then head over to the
Clerks 2
location, where we meet Ratface and James, the locations guy. Rat, Scott and I go over the set design.

Two hours later, I fight the traffic back to our neck of the woods and drop Scott and Rat off. I’m running so late, I have to skip the weigh-in at the Weight Control Center. I head home, chill for a half hour with Jen and Harley, then head out to Beverly Hills for the
Southland Tales
shoot.

I throw my gear into the trailer and grab a smoke outside, before going into the makeup trailer, where makeup artist Louis Lazzara tells me they’re going to change my look entirely. He asks if I can shave my beard off, but I tell him it’s out of the question, as I’m gonna need it for
Clerks 2
in a month and change. I start shaving it down a bit, then figure it’ll grow back in time for the flick, and shave it to the skin, at which point I look like I’m sixteen.

That’s when Louis starts with the prosthetics.

Three hours later, he has changed my look, entirely. Looking in the mirror, I see a sixty year-old version of myself, with a long, gray beard, and wrinkled, war-torn skin. Louis is pretty amazing at what he does.

I’m driven up to set, where I chit-chat with Richard a bit, who’s happy with the makeup job. He helps me get a bead on my paramilitary, paraplegic character, Simon Thiery, before I climb into my motorized wheelchair to get a feel for the controls. Richard’s cool with me ad-libbing, but my dialogue is so plot-specific, I don’t alter it much — just flavor it up.

And, at 10 p.m., I start my day-long
Southland
shoot aboard the mega-zeppelin set.

Saturday 27 August 2005 @ 3:01 p.m.

We shoot
Southland Tales
‘til nine in the morning, during which I share dialogue with a non-present Janeane Garofalo (who’s shooting her corresponding scenes weeks later), The Rock, Curtis Armstrong (Herbert Viola, from
Moonlighting
, and of course, Booger from
Revenge of the Nerds
), and Zelda Rubinstein (“This house is cleeeeaaannn...” from
Poltergeist
) — all three really sweet people. To write any more would spoil the flick.

After wrap, I spend forty-five minutes getting my makeup taken off, then head home to Jen and Harley at ten in the morning.

I get home and present the clean-shaven Daddy-Man to Harley, who Jen reported — via phone, last night — was in tears at the notion of a beardless father. Jen, too, isn’t thrilled with the notion, offering: “You know you’re not getting laid ‘til the beard comes back, right?” Both agree that they’ll learn to live with it for the time being.

Jen and Harley go out shopping, and I go to bed.

I wake up around five, and hang out with Jen before she has to go to her girls’ night pot-luck at Scott and Cookie’s. She’s in the midst of her period, so we wind up getting into no less than two rather large arguments before it’s time to go.

Harley and I drop Jen off at Scott and Alex’s around seven, and go inside to hang out for a few minutes, at which time Scott gives me a belated birthday present: a framed blowup of a photo of the two of us that’d been taken for a
New York Magazine
story, circa
Clerks
.

I say g’bye to Jen and Alex, Harley and I head back to the house with Scott, where we’re met by Malcolm, Andre and their roommate Jason. I put Harley to bed in my room with a bowl of popcorn and
SpongeBob
to fall asleep to, then head upstairs to play poker with the boys. We roll with cards and laugh all night, ‘til we’re joined around twelve by Jen, Chay, Fanshen and Julie Plec. Scott takes the Hate Tank home, and the rest of us play ‘til four in the morning, with the only disruption being Malcolm throwing a hissy at Andre’s betting strategy and storming off.

I head to bed around four thirty, cuddling up to Schwalbach, with Harley riding the couch.

Sunday 28 August 2005 @ 3:02 p.m.

Harley wakes me up around ten and I take her upstairs to get some grub, letting Jen sleep in. We try to decide what to do with our day, while we eat breakfast across from one another at the kitchen table: hummus and pitta bread for her, a drink box for me.

We make a game out of cleaning up all the empty beer cans and wine bottles in the living room. I burn a cork and draw a fake beard on, after which we put all the poker chips away, and play three hands of Go Fish. Finally, we opt to hit La Luz de Jesus — a notions store on Hollywood. We get dressed, careful not to wake Jen up, then head out.

We shop at Luz for two hours, buying a ton of books and rubber duckies of various shapes, sizes, and designs. While checking out, I get a card about a Shag gallery show next week, which reminds me how much I love my The Sun Also Rises print in the bathroom. I make a mental note to call about reserving a place at the show.

En route home, Jen calls, finally waking at two in the afternoon. Quinnster and I stop at In-N-Out and grab some hangover junk food for Jen and Chay, then go home, laying out all the swag for the girls to see and food for the girls to eat. I head to my office, and dig out this EA Sports plug&play combo game of Madden Football/NHL ‘95. I jam in some batteries, plug the game into the office T V, and start playing. I’m immediately taken back to ‘95, when Mos and I would play this same game (or NHL ‘93 — with the fights and blood — or NHL ‘94) constantly, during the
Rats
shoot.

EA Sports NHL series was not only the fav-rave game of me and Mos, but of our entire Jersey Mafia, from 1993 to 1998. Every Christmas, me, Walt, Bry, Ed, Mewes and later Mos would go out to the Marina Diner, exchange gifts, then come back to the condo and have a tournament, at the end of which the winner would take home a small Stanley Cup replica we passed around. The cup currently sits on my awards shelf, beside the Sundance Filmmaker’s Trophy, the Prix de la Jeunesse, my DVD Visionary Award, my Independent Spirit Award, my Harvey Award, a Humanitas, and sundry others. I’m as proud of it as I am of the other tin I’ve collected over the years.

Hours later, I work on the online journal, as Jen puts Harley to bed. Afterwards, we kick back, bone, and watch TiVo ‘til we go to sleep.

Monday 29 August 2005 @ 3:02 p.m.

I wake up, check email, then play NHL ‘95 all morning, stopping only to order a print off the ShagMart website.

With Larry out of town for the week, I spend most of the day playing NHL ‘95, stopping only to post the updated My Boring-Ass Life.

Around 4:30 p.m., I head out to the Weight Control Center for my weigh-in, where I discover I’ve lost another nine pounds, bringing my total weight loss to thirty pounds in three weeks. I pick up a new supply of drink boxes and head home, just in time for Malcolm’s Going Away Party.

After spending all summer in LA, working on the edit of his doc
Small Town/Gay Bar
with Scott, Malcolm’s heading back to Toronto. The film’s been
submitted to Sundance early with a strong recommendation from Bob Hawk, so there’s not much left to do except wait to hear yes or no, so Mitch is making his way home to TO to see about getting a job. I chill on the deck with the crew of guests (including Sam Jaeger, who I haven’t seen since we wrapped
Catch & Release
in Boulder) while they eat the Chay-prepared Mexican feast, then set up for poker.

We all play poker ‘til two in the morning. When everybody leaves, I lock up the house and head downstairs to find Jen curled up on the couch in our bedroom. I try to wake her, but she’s out cold, so I put a blanket on her and go to bed, watching TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Tuesday 30 August 2005 @ 3:03 p.m.

I wake up, hit the bathroom with my Tetris, and then head to the bedroom office, doing three hours of phoners for
Mallrats X
.

Afterwards, I pick up Harley from camp, with Hans in tow, and we head to the Coffee Bean on Beverly and Robson, followed by a trip to Laser Blazer, where I somehow spend $850 on two weeks’ worth of DVDs.

I come home and chill with Jen for a while, then check email, watching the new
New Jack City
DVD.

After Jen puts Harley to bed, we watch
Witness
and play Rummy. After
Witness
, we pop in
The Truman Show
, and I fall asleep ten minutes before it ends.