My Body-His Marcello (23 page)

In the dream I
had been tied to a circular plank of wood, face down. Men
surrounded it, each one holding a different whip and paddle for my
punishment. They easily rotated the table so each man had a go at
abusing my legs, buttocks and back. They circled the table again
and I saw an enormous man standing beside my face. His huge cock
stuck straight out, and he jammed it into my throat, forcing the
colossal phallus deeper and deeper until I could no longer
breathe.

I felt death
approaching and in the dream I was relieved to be released from my
torment.

Marcello burst
through the door of my room and came to me, enfolding me in his
arms. “I heard you scream,” he said.

I tried to wiggle
away from him at first, but instead a violent storm of tears
shattered me. Sobbing as he held me, I wished I had the strength to
pummel his chest. Although the thought wreaked havoc on my psyche,
it occurred to me that yet again the instigator of my hell had
morphed into my savior.

“
Sarà bene
,” he murmured to me in Italian. “Everything
is going to be okay. You’re not alone.”

I wept over the
loss of the life Luke and I had forged together. Although part of
me knew that getting back there again would probably require black
magic, my soul could accept no other option.

Marcello smoothed
my hair as I bawled in his arms. I felt small and young against his
large body. As my tears slowed I thought of my father. Resting my
head against Marcello’s chest I wondered if my father had ever held
me like that when I was a young child
and upset
. I couldn’t recall one memory of either of
my parents nurturing me in that way. The flow of my tears increased
at the thought.

I felt crushed by
the gravity of recent events but I had to pull myself together so I
could get back to Luke. I was pretty certain Marcello would not
help; I had to figure out how to make it happen on my own. But
first my body needed to heal enough so I could make the trek back
to the beach.

Pushing away from
Marcello, I pulled up the sheet to cover my nakedness and dry my
eyes.

“
What
can I do for you?” he asked. His eyes and voice were soft with
compassion but I didn’t trust it.

“
Fix
things between Luke and me.” I said, crossing my arms over the
sheet.

“
Even
if I wanted to—and honestly, I don’t think it would be the best
thing for either of you—there is nothing I could do to change his
mind. Once he makes a decision, it’s final.”

“
You
have no fathomable clue what’s best for me. Get out,” I said,
pointing to the door.

“
Jane,
I know you’re hurting, which is to be expected, and that you blame
me, but the truth is, I care deeply for you and I’m here to help
when you are ready for it.”

I scrutinized his
face and could see he believed what he had said. “I guess we all
have our delusions. Don’t we?”

“
I
regret how things happened last night and my part in it. There is
no delusion in that. I feel badly that you are hurting.” He rose
from the bed and towered over me. “Please meet me in the dining
room in fifteen minutes.”

Glaring up at
him, I said, “I couldn’t possibly eat a thing.”

“
Maybe
not, but come anyway. Janice says you are interested in knowing
more about Luke.”

“
Are
you baiting me?” I said, pulling my head back, wondering what kind
of game he was playing.

“
I see
it as a win/win situation. Maybe you will take a few bites of food
and
get some of the information you want.”

“
Fine,” I said as he left the room.

Extracting my
laptop from my bag, I considered writing in my journal but decided
to check my email again instead. Nothing. I felt discouraged by
hadn’t yet given up hope.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: Please
…

Dearest
Luke,

I had hoped to
get an email back from you by now. I do so desperately need some
reassurance from you. I feel like I’m losing my mind and it’s
sometimes hard to tell between my fantasies, dreams and
reality.

Both Marcello and
Janice say you will never take me back, but I know that can’t be
true. We can’t live without each other. We both know
that.

Please come get
me. I’d come to you on my own if I could, but my body is still
healing. Please, love, I need to hear from you.

If you are still
wanting space, please at least email me back. I need something to
keep me going.

I love you, want
you, and need you so much,

Jane

I swam in a pool
of depression. Trying to get back to the surface
,
I opened my journal and wrote the three
most important questions:
Would Luke ever forgive me for staying
at Marcello’s house? Will he take me back after the words I spoke?
Could I be forever locked out of his life?
The last thought
made my breath catch in my throat and I slammed my computer
shut.

Carefully making
my way to the bathroom, I dry-heaved over the sink. My empty
stomach saved me from really retching.

I rinsed my mouth
and looked at myself in the mirror. My wavy brown hair was a dark,
kinky mess and my right swollen cheekbone was tender to the touch.
Having not the strength or the desire to shower, I retrieved a hair
tie from my backpack along with a pair of shorts and a
t-shirt.

Trudging toward
the dining room, I passed two kitchen staff who stared at me
wide-eyed. I sullenly tottered by and made my way to the far end of
the table where Marcello waited.

“
Where
is Janice?” I said as I lowered myself in the chair to the right of
him.

“
She
will not be joining us,” he said.

“
Starving her again?” I said, hoping to get a rise out of
him.

Ignoring my jab
he said, “I assumed you’d prefer us to be alone. What can I offer
you in the way of food? An egg? A glass of orange
juice?”

“
Orange juice. Thanks,” I said I didn’t really want to be nice
but being a bitch exhausted me.

He waved over the
woman standing by the door, who took two steps into the dining
room. “Orange juice and water for Jane and coffee for me,
please.”

“
Aren’t you going to eat?” I asked
.

“
I
will eat with Janice
later
,” he said, lightly smiling as though
giving a
retort to my
earlier comment about starving her.

“
So
how long have you known Luke?” I asked. A frisson of excitement
penetrated the wall of anxiety. I was about to learn something
about Luke that might help me fix our marriage.

“
A
long time,” he said, fingering his mustache.

“
How
old was he when you met? Did you meet in New York?”

“
He
was just seventeen and struggling, and yes, it was when I still
lived in New York,” he said. His eyes shifted as if he were
recalling the past.

“
How
old were you?”

“
Twenty-seven.”

“
I
didn’t realize that you are ten years older,” I said. Marcello
certainly didn’t look fifty-five. “How did you meet?”

Our coffee and
juice arrived, and he waited until the server left to answer. “We
met at a party.”

“
Seventeen and twenty-seven is a rather large gap for
friendship don’t you think?” I took a small sip of the orange juice
and washed it down with water.

“
Never
having had a brother, I took him under my wing. He got mixed up
with the wrong sort of people so I let him live at my place until
he could make his own way.”

Although pretty
sure that I knew the answer, I said, “What kind of party?” I must
have realized in that moment how he would respond, but I held my
breath waiting.

“
There
is only so much I can share because this story involves other
people—”

“
You
mean Luke—” I said.

He took a sip of
his coffee and said, “Yes. I will not betray his
confidence.”

“
There
must be more you can say,” I said. “So it was an S & M party? I
am having a hard time seeing how you would strike up a conversation
there.”

“
I
will say this: he was patently out of his element and I felt that
some coercion might be involved.”

“
So
you rescued him? Is that why he is so loyal to you?”

“
I’m
not sure if it’s loyalty or respect, but we are like brothers. As
with me, his parents were not there for him but I had my
grandparents, and they gave me the parenting I needed.”

“
I
see.” For a moment I was lost in thought. I felt incredible sadness
for Luke.
He needs love as badly as I do.
Why couldn’t two
souls who so desperately needed a family and a connection make it
work?

“
I can
see your wheels spinning, Jane. None of this information
makes any difference
. If
anything you should see it as proof that he never ever goes back. I
have known Luke for twenty-eight years and have seen him in many
different relationships.
Bella
, I have to tell you, never
before have I seen him strike a woman across her face and never
before
have
I
seen this volatile side of him.
Please listen to me …
You
and Luke are a toxic mix. For the love of
yourself you should find a new life … a new love.”

Lowering my head
into my hands I said, “Marcello, you’re breaking my
heart.”

“
Jane
...” he said, his voice filled with angst.

I looked up at
him with tears in my eyes.

He stood to
embrace me but I said, “Please don’t.” I dragged myself back to my
room.

Checking my
phone, I found nothing from Luke. I had only one email in my
inbox:

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject:
Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender

Your e-mail is
being returned to you because there was a problem with its
delivery. The reason your mail is being returned to you is listed
in the section labeled: “----- The delivery status notification
errors -----.”

----- The
delivery status notification errors -----

: host mail.
controlme.com said: 550 5.1.1 User
blocked; rejecting (in reply to RCPT TO command)

I crawled under
the covers, my heart racing, in full panic mode. He had blocked me?
Anger began to surface, and then panic swamped me again. I could
not wrap my mind around this new rejection. He had never even read
my second email. My stomach roiled. I
had
to get back to
Luke; I
had
to convince him we were meant to be.

Together we could
heal our pasts.

“
Jane,
wake up. WAKE UP!” I opened my eyes to find Janice jostling my
shoulder.

I touched my
cheek, which was wet with tears.

“
You
were crying in your sleep,” she said, sitting next to me on the
bed.

“
Luke
had died … and we were all at his funeral. They were lowering ...”
I choked on a sob. Fresh tears spilled out as I managed to
continue, “… the casket, and they asked us to throw dirt onto
it.”

Janice gently
hugged me and I relaxed against her. “Oh, how horrible,” she
moaned.

I cried in her
arms as if the dream was real. She let me exhaust myself and when
the raggedy breathing stopped, she said, “No offense, but you
stink.”

Her words made me
laugh.

“
Marcello left for the gym, but he asked me to check on you
before I went to work. I have a few hours to kill. Let’s take a
bath and we can talk about whatever you’d like.”

I shrugged. “I
don’t much feel like moving,” I said.

“
You
can just sit there and I’ll clean you. Plus it will loosen you up.
You must be sore from being strung up.”

I had to pass the
time some way and maybe I could learn even more about Luke. I said,
“Okay.”

“
I
thought you might say that,” she said, reaching out to help me off
the bed.

She led me
through her bedroom to her bathroom. The tub was already filled
with lots of foamy bubbles. On a tray next to it was orange juice,
fruit, and bagels.

“
You
have to eat if you want to heal,” she said. She undressed and
stepped into the tub, holding her arms out to me.

“
I
think I can get in myself.”

Sitting down in
the warm water I could finally smell myself in contrast to the
fragrance of the bubbles.
Eww
, I thought.