My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding (10 page)

“Boss lady!” Anika is talking to an officer. “The rendQrség do not believe me when I tell of the robot’s rampage!”

The rendQrség? Oh! I think that’s Hungarian for police. Or maybe it’s a word to describe the uncooperative. I for one second don’t doubt that a robot did the damage I can see through the cafe widows.

My darling personally owned cafe is in tatters. I’m surprised none of the windows were smashed because even from here I can see that every table and chair inside has been over turned.

Similarly, as I stand here dressed like an out of place bride, my whole world feels over turned.

***

I spend the next thirty minutes talking with the police. I know they don’t believe Anika’s story about the rampaging oven robot, I can see the distrust in their beady eyes. Okay so admittedly not all of the officers have beady eyes, but there’s definitely one lackey who’s eyes are much too close together for my liking.

The opposite of Oliver’s bulging eyes.

Damn that Oliver and his malfunctioning robots. I don’t know how he’s gotten funding from CoTechnic to make so many of his disastrous machines!

Finally, Beady Eyes lets me go and I immediately call Callum. He’s here in a matter of minutes and together we all trudge inside my cafe to inspect the damage.

I’m overwhelmed with despair. Chaos reigns inside my once quaint tea shop and deli. Kicking my way through the rubble that has become the kitchen floor, I try not to snap mentally. Actually, I don’t know whether to shout in anger or cry my eyes out. It’s as though I’m emotionally numb.

“You look beautiful, honey.” Callum is the only one with me in the kitchen. Anika, Fiona and Lara are trying to turn all the tables upright in the dining area.

“I’m glad you like the dress.” I reply to my fiancé. “Because apparently I’m going to be stuck wearing it for the rest my life.”

Callum frowns questioningly just as Lara bursts into the kitchen. “I’m so sorry, Emily!” She gushes again and again. Frantically, she searches the countertop with her hands. When she comes up gripping a pair of meat cutting scissors I back away slowly.

“Chill out, Lolz,” I tell her. “I was only joking. You can cut me out of this dress later.”

“You seem to be taking this all very well, boss lady.” Anika has joined us. She’s standing in the door way. Tears are streaming down her cheeks.

“Oh, Anika come here!” Dropping my billowing bridal skirts I go to her and squash her into my overflowing bosom. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that monster robot tearing up the place.” Putting her at arm’s length, I turn to Callum. “Did you manage to find, Oliver?”

My fiancé shakes his head. “No, but I’m going to hunt him down tomorrow… I mean… I’ll find him after we’ve sorted out your cafe, darling.”

And that does me in. There isn’t a joke in the world that could numb the pain I’m feeling. It’s always Callum and his bloody sympathy that ends up breaking my inner damn of built up tears. I collapse into Anika’s arms and the two of us sob into the night. Well, we would have done if Fiona, Callum and Lara hadn’t intervened.

Eventually I end up at Lara’s bridal shop once again, with Callum this time. I never would have expected that my groom-to-be would enter such a place, after all, the man isn’t supposed to see the bride before the wedding. Considering the circumstances of being physically sewn into a dress though, my fiancé’s presence is most welcome.

At first I’m thinking I’ll be here for hours while Lara carefully unstitches all the thread her robot sewed onto the dress I’m wearing, but I’m shocked out of my mind when Lara grabs a huge pair of gleaming sharp scissors from a drawer. She tells me to hold still as she enters the dress with the shears from just under my armpit.

“Are you mad?” I mumble to her.

“Don’t worry, if I slice this baby just right I’ll be able to sew it back up along the seam.” Lara frowns in concentration. “The most important thing is to get you out of this bloody dress right now!”

I’m not going to argue with her. I know it will cost her thousands of pounds if she’s unable to sew this dress back up, but I have every confidence in her skills as a seamstress. Besides, after the day I’ve had I’m in no mood to sit here for hours just to be unstitched from a dress.

A matter of minutes later and Callum and I have pulled our respective cars into our driveway. “Don’t worry, babe,” Callum says, opening my driver door. “We’ll sort out your cafe in the morning, everything’s going to be fine.”

He’s been reassuring me like this since he showed up at the disaster scene. He’s right. Nothing imperative was broken at the cafe, it’s just needs quite a bit of tidying up and everything will be sorted.

“You shouldn’t think for a minute that the wedding needs to be postponed.”

I wasn’t thinking that at all actually and as I hop out of the car I’m wondering where such a statement came from. When he offers to carry me inside again though, I’m relieved he’s managed to retain such a jovial attitude.

Sighing loudly I head upstairs once we’re inside. I snort a laugh as Callum follows me. “You’d think after sleeping for a week I’d never be tired again,” I yawn. “I’m knackered though.”

“You’ve been through a lot, honey, I don’t blame you.” Callum nuzzles my neck after we head into the bedroom. I take one look at the bed that I did indeed just spend a solid week lying in, and I head right back out the door.

Pounding down the stairs Callum once again follows me. I plop onto the sofa in the front room and lay on my side. “I’m sleeping here tonight.”

I don’t even hear my fiancé’s reply, even though I’m sure he said something. I’m too worn out mentally. I zonk out in the blink of an eye and I’m hoping my dreams bring me some sense of relief from an unbelievably catastrophic day.

Chapter 7

Oof, ugh, toss and turn. Why the bloody hell am I so uncomfortable? Blinking open my eyelids I stare up at an unfamiliar ceiling. Oh. Right. I’d slept on the sofa last night. Well, I suppose that was a bad idea. As squidgy as our couch is, it’s not comfortable enough to rest on for the entire night. I think I’m going to crawl upstairs and into my flat bed where I can spread my limbs.

Tossing my legs over the side of the sofa causes someone extreme pain, and that person isn’t me.

“Ouch!” Callum grumbles.

I sit straight up and start feeling around with my toes. Looking down I see him lying on the floor next to the couch with his pillow and blanket.

“What are you doing down there?” I ask him, my feet still planted into his stomach area.

“Well I was sleeping next to you until you decided to give me such a painful awakening.”

Aw. What a sweetheart my fiancé is. “You slept there all night?”

Removing my feet from his abdomen, Callum slides up onto the sofa with me. “Of course I did, darling. I would have missed you too much in that big empty bed otherwise.”

Despite soreness from waking up on a cramped sofa, my betrothed and I make better use of the couch. We have morning sex and it really helps to work out all the kinks in my bunched up muscles. So that’s a bonus.

Alas, not even hot and heavy love making can push away all thoughts of yesterday. “I guess I’d better get on over to the cafe.” I grumble, still lying next to a spent Callum.

“Correction,” he does his neck nuzzling thing on me again. “We will both go to your cafe.”

Oh yes. I’d forgotten my wonderful man had said he’d take the day off work to help with the disaster clean up. “You’re so sweet, honey.” I drag my fingers through his dark hair. “But you have to go to work today and find Oliver.”

Sighing loudly, I think my affianced is in agreement. “If you’re sure you’ll be all right on your own.”

I am sure, and I won’t be on my own thanks to Anika who text me this morning saying she’ll help with the cafe clean up.

By the time I actually get up off the sofa I’m fearing it’s already late in the morning. It’s still only 7am though, so I’m guessing my body woke me early due to uncomfy sofa squashedness.

Despite the early hour, I run upstairs, shower and get dressed quickly. I’m in a hurry to get to the cafe and when I reach the halfway point of running back down the stairs, my jeans slip all the way down to my ankles, I trip and I tumble and roll, falling all the way to the ground floor landing.

***

I have never been so happy to fall halfway down the stairs in all my life.

Callum comes bursting into the hallway. “Are you all right?” He asks, bending to help me to my feet.

“I’m perfectly wonderful actually, look!” Once I’m upright I point at my jeans that have pooled around my ankles. “My jeans are too big, Cal. I’ve lost weight!”

Callum frowns and shakes his head. “Are you sure you didn’t bang your head? Em, you just tumbled down the bloody steps.”

“It’s okay… honest… I’m fine!” I’m more than fine. I’m positively ecstatic. Not even the prospect of having to clear up my trashed cafe could bring me down now. Bending, I scoop up my jeans and head into the kitchen. Callum follows. “I’m going to have to cut a tighter hole in my belt, honey!”

And that’s exactly what I do. Grabbing a knife from a drawer, I stab and work a new hole into the black leather of my belt. When I tighten up my jeans I have to admit that it does look a bit silly all bunched up around my waist.

“Hang on.” Fluttering the loose fabric of my blue t-shirt, a smile burst across my face. “I think I’m finally losing mass in my breasts too, Cal!”

Flinging his head back in mock outrage, my fiancé’s reaction to my boob shrinkage is way over the top. “Noooooooo!” He cries like a war torn film actor.

“Oh quit it.” I slap him playfully on his arm.

He frowns like a pouty baby. “I demand you stop whatever dieting and exercising you’re doing. I don’t want to lose these.” Leaning, he puts his head on my chest and gently rubs one of my breasts as though it’s a treasured object.

I bat his hands away. “You’re such a brat.” I laugh and run away quickly.

Ten minutes later I’m driving up to the back entrance of my cafe. I park my car in the one allotted space and hop out. Pushing open the cafe door I chuck my handbag onto an over turned office desk and get to work tidying up. After only thirty minutes of clearing away things I’m starting to sweat. Well, that’s good. At least I can gain some benefit from this disaster if it means that cleaning up gives me added exercise.

“Hello, boss lady!”

Ah. Anika has just come in through the rear entrance. I look up to find she’s not alone.

“Paige?” I question the frizzy haired lady from the health food store. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to help, of course.” Paige smiles at me, but I don’t return the grin because of the thing that’s floating next to her.

I see red for a second and my hand starts to shake the broom I’m holding. “What’s that thing doing here though?”

Anika notices the panic in my eyes. “Do not worry, boss lady!” She extends her hands and runs over to me. “Paige’s robot is normal.”

Normal? “Are you sure, Anika?” I ask, thinking the girl must be bloody brave. “Fiona couldn’t even bring herself to come in today after being traumatized by the robot yesterday!”

“This robot is small and okay.” She points at the ladder shaped robot. Paige is talking to the thing and soon it springs into action. It’s as though the little bot knows exactly where everything goes. I watch in amazement as the thing practically clears everything up all on its own.

“Hang on!” I shout to Paige as her robot heads towards my back offices. “I’d like to do that clearing up myself please.”

Paige shrugs her shoulders. “Suit yourself,” she says to me before ordering her bot to cease and desist in its clean-up efforts. “By the way, Emily.” Paige wanders towards me again with her floating ladder bot in tow. “I wanted to help you out with your wedding menu, okay? Especially after the supermarket horse meat scandal, you don’t want any of that grocery store crap at your wedding, now do you?”

What’s all this then? “Are you being serious, Paige? You’re going to supply me with food for my guests?”

“Why sound so surprised, Emily?” Paige gives me a manly slap on the back, exacerbating her lumberjack, plaid shirt appearance. “After everything you’ve been through, I wouldn’t want you thinking you had to push your wedding date back or anything.”