Museums and Women (25 page)
Authors: John Updike
By now, I had adjusted my tape recorder to the immense volume and curious woofing timbre of his voice, so his remaining statements are not at the mercy of my memory. His accent, I should say, was Oxonian, though his specialized upper lip and modified incisors played havoc with some of our labials and fricatives, and he quaintly pronounced all silent consonants and even the terminal
e
of words. To my natural query as to his own time sense, he replied, with a blithe wave, “If you are able from a few crusty chips of calcium to posit an entire phylum of creature, why should not I, with a brain so much greater, be able, by a glance at my surroundings, to reconstruct, as it were, the future? The formation of your pelvis, the manner of your speech, even the moment of your visit are transparent in the anatomy of yon single scuttling insectivore.” He gestured toward what my lower perspective
would have missed—a tiny gray plesiadipid miserably cowering high in a primitive magnolia.
The baluchitherium brandished the printed sheet in his hand; it rattled like thunder. “In here, for instance,” he said, “one may read of numerous future events—the mammoth’s epic circumambulation of the globe, the drastic shrinkage of the Tethys Sea, the impudent and hapless attempt of the bird kingdom, in the person of the running giant diatryma, to forsake the air and compete on land. Hah! One may even find”—he turned the sheet, to what seemed to be its lesser side—“news of
Homo sapiens
. I see here, for example, that your wheat-growing cultures will make war upon your rice-growers, having earlier defeated the maize-growers. And one also finds,” he continued, “horoscopes and comic strips and a lively correspondence discussing whether God is, as I firmly believe, odd-toed or, as the artiodactyls vainly hold, even-toed.”
“B-but,” I said, stammering in my anxiety to utter this, the crucial question, “given, then, such a height of prescience and civilized feeling, why did you make the evolutionary error—the gross, if I may so put it, miscalculation—of brute size? That is, with the catastrophic example of the dinosaurs still echoing down the silted corridors of geologic time—”
Imperiously he cut me short. “The past,” he said, “is bunk. The future”—and he trumpeted—“is our element.”
“But,” I protested, “the very grasses under my feet spell doom for large leaf-browsers, presaging an epoch of mobile plains-grazers.” As if to illustrate my point, a rabbit darted from the underbrush, chased by a dainty eohippus. “As you must know,” I said, “the artiodactyls, in the form of swine, camels, deer, cattle, sheep, goats, and hippopotami, will flourish, whereas the perissodactyls, dwindled to a few tapirs and myopic rhinoceri in my own era, will meet extinct—”
“Size,” he bellowed, pronouncing it “siz-eh,” “is not a matter of choice but of destiny. Largeness was thrust upon us. We bear it—bore it, bear it, will bear it—as our share of the universal heaviness. We bear it gratefully, and gratefully will restore it to the heaviness of the earth.” And he fixed me with a squint so rhinoceroid I involuntarily backed a step, tripping the computer’s reverse mechanism. All my nerves began humming. The baluchitherium, as he faded, stretched himself toward the leaf-clouded sky; the reddish-blue fur on his throat shimmered white. Ravenously he resumed what I saw to be, under one form or another, an endless, unthinkable meal.
The Invention of the Horse CollarI
N THE DARKEST
D
ARK
A
GES
, the horse collar appeared. A Frankish manuscript of the tenth century first depicts it, along with the concomitantly epochal shafts and traces
attached to the middle of the collar
. In antiquity, from primitive Egypt to decadent Rome, horse harness consisted of a yoke
attached at the withers
by a double girth passing under the chest and around the throat of the animal. When the horse pulled at his load, the throat girth rode up, cutting into his windpipe, compressing his vein walls, and slowing his heartbeat. The loss of tractive power was three- or fourfold.
Yet antiquity, which sentimental humanism so much encourages us to admire, did little to remedy this strangling, but for ineffectual measures like passing a strap between the forelegs to keep the throat band low (observable on a Greek vase
c. 500
B.C
.) or tying the two bands at the horse’s sides, as illustrated in a bone carving of a war chariot on the side of a Byzantine casket.
No, it fell to some obscure fellow in the Dark Ages, a
villein
no doubt, to invent the horse collar. His name, I imagine, was Canus—an odd name, meaning “gray,” though our hero is young; but name-giving, like everything else in this ill-lit and anarchic period, is in a muddled, transitive condition. Canus sits in his thatched hut pondering. Beside him, on a bench of hewn planks and dowels, lies a sheaf of sketches, an array of crude tools both blunt and sharp, an ox yoke for purposes of comparison, and a whitened fragment of equine scapula with the stress lines marked in charcoal. Outside, darkness reigns
unrelieved; even noon, in this year of (say) 906, has about it something murky, something slanting and askew. Roman ruins dot the landscape. Blind eyes gaze from the gargantuan heads of marble emperors half buried in the earth. Aqueducts begin and halt in midair. Forested valleys seclude mazelike monasteries where quill-wielding clerics copy Vergil over and over, having mistaken him for a magician. Slit-windowed castles perch fantastically on unscalable outcroppings and lift villages upward toward themselves like ladies gathering their skirts while crossing a stretch of mud. In the spaces between these tentative islands of order, guttural chieftains, thugs not yet knights, thunder back and forth, bellowing in a corrupt Latin not yet French, trampling underfoot the delicate strip-work of a creeping agriculture. Canus is one of those who work these precarious fields, urging forward the gagging, staggering plow-horse. He has been troubled, piqued. There must be … something better.… Now, under his hands, the mock-up of the first horse collar, executed in straw and flour paste, has taken shape!
The door of the hut wrenches open. Enter Ablatus, Canus’s brother. Though they are twins, born in the last year of the nonexistent reign of Charles the Fat, they are not identical. Canus in his eyes and hair shows the scaly brilliance of burnished metal and of the hardened peat called coal; Ablatus, the more elusive lambency of clouds, of water running over quartz, of fire sinking in the hearth. Canus tends toward the swarthy, Ablatus toward the fair. Both are clad in the era’s style of shapelessness, between toga and cloak, bunches of colorless cloth such as a poor child would use to wrap a doll of sticks. On his head Ablatus wears a hat like a beanbag. He takes it off. He stares at the bright hoop of straw. “What is that?” he asks, in a language whose archaic music is forever lost to human ears.
Triumphantly Canus explains his invention. He describes new worlds: the fourfold tractive increase, the improved deep plowing, the more rapid transportation, the ever more tightly knit and well-fed Christendom. Cathedrals shall arise; the Viking and the Mohammedan will be repulsed. Crusades can be financed. Out of prosperity will arise city-states, usury, and a middle class—all these blessings pouring from this coarse circlet of glued straw. He concludes, “The real collars, of course, will be leather, padded, with increasing ingenuity, to eliminate chafing and to render the horse’s pulling all the more pleasurable.”
Toward the end of his twin’s long recital, Ablatus betrays agitation. He flings down his scythe, scarcely changed in design since the Egyptians first lopped maize. His pallid eyes throw sparks. “My own brother,” he utters at last, “a devil!”
“Nay,” says Canus, rising from his bench in surprise, “an angel, rather, to relieve both beasts and men by the means of an insensate and efficient”—and here, groping for the Latin
“mechina,”
he slurs into creation a new word—“machine. I have created”—and again he must coin the word—“horsepower.”
