Museum of the Weird (12 page)

“Nothing can be done,” she cried.

I turned up the volume on the TV, thinking
that rug must look like a miracle.

THE PIT

EXT. A GRAVEL PIT - DAY

The sun rises over what looks to be a gravel quarry. The bleak landscape stretches as far as the eye can see, dotted occasionally by a few wandering people dressed in slightly mussed business attire.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

In the near future, increasing global

tensions sparked a war among

nations spanning years. The

worldwide destruction multiplied,

spreading until the world and most

of its inhabitants were

annihilated, ground into dust by a

faceless war machine.

Close in on two men, DAVE and SAM, standing in the gravel pit. They appear to be disheveled but healthy. In different circumstances, it would look like they were waiting for a bus.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Years passed. Those that survived

had to be strong of heart and mind,

tougher than the friends and

neighbors they left gasping in the

dust. These brave men and women

found a way to survive against all

odds and emerged as the unlikely

authors of their own existence.

The men fidget, bored. DAVE checks his watch, examines it, flicks at it.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Years and years passed. With the

threat of global-nuclear conflict

gone, life regained a sense of

normalcy, of peace. The very life

which had always been so difficult

became commonplace.

DAVE

Damn.

SAM

Hmm?

DAVE

My watch broke.

He presents it to SAM, who leans over to examine.

SAM

Bummer.

DAVE

I had that watch for years. Found it on a guy.

SAM

Nice watch.

DAVE

Dead guy.

SAM

That a Rolex?

DAVE

You know, that’s what I thought, but I don’t think it is.

SAM

Did the guy seem like the kind of

guy that would wear a Rolex?

DAVE

He was wearing a suit, you know,

nice suit. Too small. But it was a

nice suit, looked authentic.

SAM

Maybe it was a Rolex.

DAVE

I know suits better than watches,

and all I know about this watch is

it crapped out on me. Supposed to

be one of those self-winding

things.

SAM

Probably got sand in it.

DAVE

I don’t even remember what it’s

like to not have sand in a thing.

Sand everywhere.

SAM

Everywhere. Hey, is that Linda?

DAVE

Where?

SAM

(
pointing
)

Just over the horizon.

A figure approaches from far away. It is impossible at first to see if the figure is a man or a woman.

SAM (CONT’D)

Looks like she’s headed towards us.

DAVE

I haven’t seen Linda in weeks. She

never comes around here. Are you

sure that’s her?

The men watch the figure make slow progress towards them.

SAM

No.

DAVE

Yes, it is her.

SAM

I’m not sure.

DAVE

Man, it has been forever since

we’ve seen Linda. Remember hooking

up with her during that year-long

sex orgy?

SAM

Yes. Yes I do.

DAVE

Crazy times.

SAM

Guess so.

DAVE

Linda. She was a fox and a half,

man. She found that hairbrush, and

she would brush everyone’s hair.

Everyone just sitting around in a

circle, remember? She’d circle

around and brush everybody’s hair.

SAM

I remember.

DAVE

She’s headed this way. That is definitely Linda.

The figure, LINDA, grows larger, waves.

SAM

I am in love with Linda.

DAVE turns to SAM, surprised.

DAVE

No you’re not, Sam.

SAM

Yes I am. I am in love with Linda

and I want to marry her. Is that

what people do when they’re in

love?

DAVE

Yeah, I think so.

SAM

Then that’s what I want to do.

DAVE

Dude, we haven’t seen Linda in a

year and a half. I haven’t seen her

since the sex orgy thing. Oh man,

is that weird now, that I was in a

sex orgy with Linda, and you’re in

love with her?

SAM

Yeah, that’s kind of weird.

DAVE

Man, I’m sorry. I had no idea you

were in love with her. You know I

wouldn’t have done that if I had any

idea.

SAM

That’s fine. Let’s maybe just not

mention it.

The two watch LINDA approach.

DAVE

Linda, huh.

SAM

Linda.

DAVE

Good old Linda. Pretty girl.

SAM

Yes.

DAVE

You have no idea what you’re

talking about. You don’t know who

this person is.

SAM

What? Of course I do.

DAVE

You are shitting me. You are full

of shit. I can’t believe how much

shit can be inside one man. This is

the first woman we see in weeks and

all of a sudden you’re in love with

her? I don’t think so. No, I know

what’s going on here.

SAM

What are you talking about?

LINDA steps into the scene, startling them both.

LINDA

Hi, guys.

DAVE

Hi, Linda.

LINDA

Dave, right?

DAVE

Yeah, hey, you remembered!

LINDA

I never forget. How have you been?

DAVE

Oh, you know. I live in a pit.

All three laugh, and stop laughing. LINDA turns to SAM.

LINDA

And you must be—

SAM

I’m Sam.

LINDA

Have we met?

SAM

Yeah. I think so.

DAVE

You don’t remember Sam?

LINDA

(drawing a blank)

Sure I do, I remember Sam. From,

uh, the sex orgy?

SAM

Yes. From that.

LINDA

Crazy times. There had to have been

a hundred fifty people there. Now

that was a party.

SAM

Certainly it was.

LINDA

Now Dave, I remember you from that.

You had these pasties on, right?

DAVE

I forgot all about those!

LINDA

That was hilarious. You kept

swinging them around and around—

LINDA does an impression of the man wearing pasties.

DAVE laughs and joins in.

DAVE

Hey everybody, look what I

can do!

LINDA

Wasn’t all you could do, as

I recall.

DAVE

Oh, you.

LINDA

That’s all I’m saying.

They smile at each other. SAM’s presence becomes conspicuous.

LINDA (CONT’D)

How’s tricks, Sam? Still doing your

thing?

SAM

For sure. Yeah.

LINDA

So, guys. I’ve been walking for

days.

DAVE

Yeah, what’s it like over there?

LINDA

What, back there? More of the same.

Really it’s just a big gravel pit

as far as the eye can see. Pretty

depressing. I feel like I’m going

insane, you know? Really, truly

insane, for the last time. I

thought I’d pass the time by

chewing all the skin off my arm, right?

DAVE

Gross.

LINDA

Well, yeah. I mean, it grew back, see?

She displays her arm. The men jump back but then lean in, examining.

DAVE

Oh yeah, that’s not bad.

LINDA

Your friend doesn’t say much, does he?

DAVE

He’s a thoughtful kind of guy.

LINDA

Oh yeah?

DAVE

Sure. You’d really like him if you got to know him.

LINDA

I usually don’t go for the strong, silent type, so much.

DAVE

He looks strong?

SAM

I’m right here, guys.

LINDA

Looks like a nice guy, though. You look like a nice man, Sam.

SAM

Thanks, Linda.

LINDA

Play it again, Sam!

SAM

Right.

LINDA

You ever hear that?

SAM

Maybe once.

LINDA

I always loved that movie.

Casablanca
.

SAM

Hmm.

LINDA

They were so in love.

SAM

That’s actually a misquotation.

LINDA

What? No it’s not.

SAM

It is. A common misquotation, you know. Bogart says, “Play it once, Sam, for old times’ sake.”

DAVE

Come on.

LINDA

Sure, but later—

SAM

Later, he says: “Play it, Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes By.’” That’s what he says later.

LINDA
(impatient)

But after that.

SAM is getting worked up, a function of a bad Bogart impression mixed with heartbreak.

SAM

“You played it for her and you can play it for me!”

LINDA

Are we talking about the same movie?

DAVE

I’m not sure.

SAM

“If she can stand it, I can! Play it!”

LINDA is clearly disturbed.

DAVE

Sam, I think that’s enough.

SAM
(stricken)

Play it!!

LINDA

(to DAVE)

It’s all right.

I didn’t know anyone cared that much about one little quotation.

SAM

I’ve heard it a lot, is all.

LINDA

I hadn’t even seen that movie since the war, you know?

DAVE

It was a great movie.

LINDA

Yeah. Listen, I should go.

This statement takes a moment to sink in — leaving means walking many days without direction in a gravel pit.

SAM

Don’t go, Linda. I was just having a little fun.

DAVE

Come on. You just got here.

LINDA

No, it’s okay. I have this

appointment in a couple weeks. I

should really start heading in that

direction.

SAM (desperate)

Linda, I’m sorry.

LINDA

Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry.

DAVE

I am also sorry.

LINDA

We are all sorry, then.

She regards the two men with disappointment before turning and walking in the direction from which she came. They watch her go. After a minute, DAVE turns to look at SAM, his expression unclear.

THE END

THE PICTURE WINDOW

There once was a woman who lived on the far edge of town, where the houses had courtyards and vegetable gardens. The woman grew a small amount of flowers and vegetables in her garden, a small plot behind her house. The picture window in her bedroom faced the garden, and she spent many happy weekend hours watching the scene.

One day, she turned away from the window and noticed that the rest of her room looked darker than usual. She assumed that her eyes had gotten too used to the brightness of the window but the room grew darker and darker by the hour and finally vanished into blackness. The window, however, was bright with sunshine and color. She looked out at the beautiful garden for a long while, frightened to look away, and when she finally did look away again she was confronted with total darkness, and she cried and touched the walls and found her telephone and called her doctor.

The woman’s doctor and his colleagues were entirely baffled. They traveled to the woman’s house, tested her sight, and found it to be entirely disintegrated. At the window, she seemed to recognize the plants and flowers by general color and shape, but when one of the doctors stood in the garden, waving to her through the open space, she continued describing geraniums and the leafy tops of the carrots as if they were all she saw.

Baffled, the doctors stood in the kitchen and discussed the ethics of their situation. It was only right to tell her the truth: the tests on her corneas and pupils had revealed no reaction, and it was total blindness. They were drinking coffee, which they had made for themselves. Certainly, the doctors reasoned, they would tell her to be prepared for the worst while they did some final tests.

When they told the woman that her selective blindness was focused on her window, and perhaps the condition was permanent, the woman looked out the memory of her window and nodded, though she didn’t entirely understand. Sunlight filtered in through the tall trees and lit the grass and the garden in shades of green and brown. Soft breezes rustled the leaves and gave her a comforting sense of the wide, changing world. The doctors quietly washed their coffee cups and left them to dry next to the sink.

The woman passed many satisfactory days at her picture window. When she opened her eyes in the morning, she was always briefly afraid of the darkness, but out of the corner of her eye she was comforted by the sight of the glowing window. She stumbled and touched the walls and found her shower, and then dressed herself for the day and dug in her pantry for breakfast. In those first days, she was ashamed to call her friends, so instead she worked through the canned foods in the pantry for basic sustenance. She spooned up pieces of tuna while watching the wind work through the leaves of her summer squash. She tried to go outside, was disturbed by the blindness that remained, and headed back inside.