Muse (Tales of Silver Downs Book 1) (32 page)

Fiachra didn't speak again until I had eaten my fill. "I can teach you how to deal with Ida once she is back inside your head. It will be different this time, for now she knows what it is to be alive. She will resist, and you must be prepared."

"But once she is back in my head, she won't be able to resist any more, will she?" Fear clenched my stomach and already I regretted having eaten.

"She has power now that she didn't have before. She may continue to fight and you need to learn how to fight back. Now, close your eyes. Picture a box. Can you see it? It need only be small but you must see it clearly."

I concentrated on the blackness inside my mind and, slowly, a wooden box formed. I focused, ensuring all of its edges and corners were clearly defined.

"I see it."

"Good, hold the box there. You need to be able to see it, even when you open your eyes. This is where you will put Ida. As soon as you see her in your mind, open the box and push her inside."

"How do I push her?"

"With the force of your mind. It may help to exhale, quickly and strongly, at the same time. Push her into the box and replace the lid. Then you must hold the lid in place."

"How long do I hold it?" I looked into his dark eyes and he stared back at me, waiting for me to find the answer for myself. "For ever. I will always have to hold down the lid so she can't escape."

"It will be hard at first but, after a while, you will hardly need to think about it."

"What will happen if she gets out of the box?"

"I can't answer that. She may have the power to influence what you say and do. She might even be strong enough to take over your body. To make it hers."

"Could she force me into the box?"

"Perhaps."

My head swam. I realised I was holding my breath and slowly let it out. I had always known I might not survive my quest but I had never anticipated living with Ida in control of my body, watching helpless and trapped while she carried out her terrible deeds.

"I don't think I can do this."
 

"This is your decision, Diarmuid, and yours alone. I cannot tell you what you must do. I can only advise you to listen to your heart. What does it say?"

I didn't want to answer but he waited patiently, his face calm and his hands relaxed.

"I have no choice," I said at length. "She is my fault."

"Be strong, Diarmuid. As soon as Ida is back inside your head, you must get her into the box. She will be confused and disorientated for a few seconds and that is your chance. Once she regains her senses, she will fight you."

"I guess I should go then."

Bramble immediately stood. I looked down at her, a scruffy terrier not even as high as my knees. "Are you sure you want to come with me? It will be dangerous."

She glared but didn't deign to huff.

"I know you want to help, but I… I might not be coming back again. I can't promise to look after you."

She stalked over to the door and waited. Somehow, the knowledge that I wouldn't be alone eased my fear the tiniest bit, even if my sole companion was a small terrier who may or may not turn out to be one of the fey.

Soon Bramble and I stood yet again on the doorstep of Ida's stone cottage. I carried no weapon except for the dagger in my boot, yet I felt strangely calm. I looked up at the bright blue sky. A single cloud drifted lazily. This might be my last view of the sky. I took a deep breath, letting the cool air fill my lungs. Perhaps my last taste of the air outside of Ida's house. This was it. I would find a way to force Ida into the box, or die trying. I had my tales and, if that failed, I had my dagger. I would not live with her controlling my body. I would kill myself first.

I knew better than to ask Bramble again whether she was sure she wanted to accompany me but there was something else I needed to say. I crouched down beside her.
 

"Thank you." I stretched out a hand to stroke her ever so gently on the silky hair on her chest. I wanted to touch the torn ear and run my fingers over the red scar on her shoulder and flank, but I didn't. Hair was already growing over the wounds and in a few weeks they would no longer be visible, except for the damage to her ear. "You've been a good friend to me. I had hoped you might come back to Silver Downs once this is all over. But if something happens to me in there, get out straight away. Go and find Owain. He'll look after you if I can't."

She blinked at me, just once.

"I know you understand me, even if I don't know what sort of creature you are."

Bramble extended a paw and touched me gently on the cheek.
 

"I hope I get a chance to find out who you really are."

She looked towards the door.

"You're right. Let's get this over with."

I stood, wincing slightly at the pressure on my injured ankle. The door had been mended since Owain broke it down and it didn't resist us this time. The hallway was dim and silent, a memory of days spent in a fey tunnel. Nothing existed outside of this moment, just Bramble and I walking along the dimly-lit hallway, past a rack of coats and scarves. Past a pair of men's boots standing tidily against the wall. Past closed doors that led to other rooms. Lonely accoutrements of someone else's life. I took a deep breath. The house smelled of herbs and furniture wax and fresh bread.
 

I could feel Ida. She was in the back room where we had found her on our first visit. I had feared she might be in the kitchen with Davin's body still lying there, his blood staining the wooden floor, his limbs stiff and eyes blank.

Doubt started as a quiver in my stomach. I hesitated and Bramble looked up at me, a question in her eyes.

"Perhaps I shouldn't do this," I said. "She's happy here. Free."

I turned back towards the front door.

"She won't hurt anyone else if I leave her alone. She just wants to live, in a real body, in the real world."

My feet already carried me back through the doorway.

"It was a mistake to come here. I see now that things aren't as bad as I thought."

Bramble barked once, short and sharp, and Ida's influence drained away. Anger and shame warred within me. Anger that she would try again to control me and shame I had allowed it so easily. This was what it felt like to be one of her victims. I hadn't even recognised what she was doing. Her thoughts had seemed as natural as if they were my own.

I clenched my fists and strode back down the hallway, Bramble at my side. I would not let Ida send me away. This would be our final confrontation. The culmination of my quest. One way or another, this meeting between us today would decide both of our futures.

Ida sat in the back room, in the same wooden chair as on our first visit. She wore a plain white dress, the skirt covered with a white apron. She looked innocent. Harmless.

I caught myself this time before the thoughts could control me. Now that I knew she sought to influence me, it was easier to recognise when my thoughts were not my own.
 

Ida and I stared at each other in silence. It was still somewhat strange to see her sitting in front of me. A figment of my imagination made real. She didn't look quite as I had imagined. I hadn't given such a hard glint to her eyes or such a cruel twist to her mouth. Those features were hers alone.

I fidgeted, growing impatient as the silence lengthened, and finally it was I who spoke first.
 

"You know why I am here."
 

"Of course, Diarmuid." Ida's tone was entirely pleasant, as if we were discussing something of no more consequence than the weather or what I ate for breakfast. "And you know I won't allow it."

"I can't let you continue doing this. You're my responsibility. I brought you into this world, even if I didn't mean to."

"Poor Diarmuid," she said. "Such a burden on you, isn't it, these terrible powers. Such responsibility for one so young."

Her words wormed into my brain. They burrowed, trying to elicit self-pity. At my feet, Bramble growled softly. I clung to the sound, letting it too seep into my mind, and it eased Ida's hold.

"I didn't ask for this ability." My voice sounded strong. "I didn't know what I was doing when I created you. I didn't know I could do such a thing. But I did it, and I take responsibility for it."

"What do you intend to do about it, Diarmuid? How strong are you? And where are your companions? They seem to be deserting you, one by one. Look at you now, standing there with nothing but that creature at your side."

"My companions have been through much for me. They have travelled a long way, even through the realm of the fey, because they believed in what I intended to do."

"They never believed in your quest, Diarmuid. Each chose to accompany you for their own selfish reasons. You were a way for them to achieve what
they
wanted, not what you wanted."

"That's not true."

"Isn't it? Think about it. The girl is running away from the father of her child. You provided a disguise for her escape. Who would think to look for one such as she amongst a small party of friends travelling together? And the man, he flees his own demons. A wife who hates him, a career that allows him to indulge in his desire for murder. We all saw what happened yesterday. He could barely stop himself from bathing in poor Davin's blood."

"Stop it. You're twisting it all. Everything you say is only part of the truth. They are my friends."
 

Ida's stare flickered down to Bramble and my breath caught in my throat.
 

Not her,
I thought before I remembered that I must not think anything I wouldn't want Ida to know.
My mind is an ocean. Restless waves. Impatient currents.

"You know this creature is not what she seems." Ida's voice was light and her eyes sparkled as if she was sharing a joke. "But do you know exactly what she is? Have you ever wondered how she came to be in such a form? It is a punishment, surely, and a grave punishment indeed to be taken from your own form and forced into another. What secrets does this creature, the last of your companions, hold?"

"Leave her alone." My voice was less steady now. "She's done nothing to you."

"Oh but she has. She's comforted you, aided you. Look at her now. She desperately wants to speak, doesn't she? But she can't, except with barks and whines and growls. Do you wonder what she might say, this fiery little companion of yours, if she could speak? Shall we find out?"

My heart stumbled and my eyes locked with Bramble's. I saw fear in them, but also hope.

"Please," I said. "Don't do anything to her."

I didn't need to look at Ida to know she smiled. "Oh I'm not going to do anything to her. I'm going to undo what has already been done."

A rushing wind filled my ears. The world blurred, fading and twisting as I fell. My body felt wrong. Stretched. Contorted. Too big. I wanted to tuck my tail between my legs and howl.

The scents were gone. I couldn't smell Diarmuid or Ida or the lingering traces of Davin's death. The only odours left to me were bread and furniture polish. Without my sense of smell, I was blind.

I whined but the noise sounded wrong. My mouth didn't work properly and my teeth were the wrong shape. My tongue was too small in my mouth. And my tail, where was my tail?

I crouched on the wooden floor, confused and shaken. When I tried to speak, actual words came out. My voice was croaky and my mouth numb. "Diarmuid?"

I reached for him as I stumbled to my feet. Hands. Long fingers, a scar on my wrist where I had burnt myself through carelessness in the kitchen. My own hands. I looked down. Legs, feet shod in boots. I stood on human legs. I wore the same work dress as the day the fey girl took my form from me. With shaking hands, I touched my face, my hair. My heart leapt. I touched my injured ear. It felt misshapen, twisted.

Diarmuid backed away from me, bumping into the wall.
 

"D-Diarmuid?" Words felt wrong. I had become so accustomed to Bramble's barks and whines, whimpers and growls. A dog can express such a variety of emotion within the limits of its speech.

"What are you?" Diarmuid whispered.

I took a step towards him and stumbled. My legs shook but slowly I remembered how to walk without the certainty of four legs. I moved closer to Diarmuid, wanting to be near him. I wanted his arms around me. I wanted him to pick me up and hold me to his chest, where I could feel his heart and smell his scent.

"Don't," he said. "Don't come near me."

I stopped, confused. "Diarmuid? What's wrong?"

His mouth twisted and his face was a furious red. "I don't know who, or what, you are, but don't come any closer."

My heart shattered. My chin wobbled and tears seeped into my eyes. I blinked them away. I would not cry in front of him.

Ida laughed, a soft, tinkling like wind chimes. "Oh my, Diarmuid. Look at your little dog now."

Diarmuid glared at her. "Are you satisfied? You've taken all of my friends from me, one by one. What's next?"

Ida smiled coldly and her hands gripped the arms of the chair so hard that her knuckles were white. "What did you expect from me? Gratitude? You kept me locked inside your head for all those years. You owe me something for that."

"I owe you? I created you. Without me, you wouldn't exist."

"And what a fine existence it was. Trapped in your head, witness to your every thought and emotion."
 

Ida looked at me and I froze.
Please don't turn me back into a dog.
Had I still been Bramble, I might have whimpered. As Brigit, I stayed silent and looked her in the eyes. I was strong. My mother raised me to be confident, capable, a wise woman.

"My dear, you would be horrified if you knew even a tiny bit of what goes on inside his head," Ida said. "I've seen his true nature. You might think you know him but you see only as much as he wants you to. He won't show you the darkness inside."

"I know a little more than you think," I said and although my voice was hoarse and scratchy, the words were even enough. "Who do you think he confided to night after night? Why, the dog, of course. The dog knows everything."