Mummy, Make It Stop (7 page)

It’s far more likely that his lawyer advised him that the evidence against him was damning and told him he would get a lighter sentence if he pleaded guilty. And making us sit on his knee in the prison was her attempt to show the authorities that he was really a loving dad who’d just made a slip-up.

It all left me very confused. I didn’t know who was actually in the wrong. Was it me, because I didn’t say no to George and fight him off, and because I told on him? Or was it him? I didn’t know, and having to write to him, and then sit on his knee as Mum smiled and chatted with him only confused me more. But our visits came to an abrupt end after several months, when George went to court. He was given a four-year sentence and sent to a prison at the other end of the country.

Chapter Five

Mum took it badly when George was sent down. She had really believed he would be let off, and had told us he would be coming home.

After he was sentenced, she cried a lot and said she wouldn’t be able to go and see him, as the prison he’d been sent to was too far away. Then, one day, while we were at school, she slashed her wrists.

We didn’t know about it until we got in from school. Nanna was there and she told us Mum was in hospital and had nearly died. I was terrified. What would I do if Mum died? And why would she want to die? I knew it must be because she wanted George back, and it was my and Tanya’s fault that he was gone. I felt so bad and guilty and worried that I couldn’t sleep that night, even though Nanna had said that Mum would be all right and would be coming home in the morning. I didn’t know then that Mum’s cuts were only superficial, and she had phoned for help as soon as she’d cut herself.

Mum did come home, and we stayed off school so that we could see her. She looked pale and lay on the sofa with big white bandages over her wrists. We made her cups of tea and rubbed her feet and tried to make her feel better.

Mum did seem to feel better, very quickly, because after that day she hardly ever mentioned George again and she began to behave as though he had never existed. She started asking her eldest sister, Auntie Carol, over a lot. Nanna came too, and the three of them would sit for hours playing card games like crash and cribbage. They ignored us, except when they wanted a cup of tea or a buttie - then they’d ask me to make it.

They got so engrossed in their card games that they often told us to make our own tea, or go to the fish shop and get some chips. They’d tell us to get out of the house and go outside and play. Tanya would run off with her friends and I would wander about looking for someone to hang about with. Carol’s house was nearby and she had three children, but they were all younger than me and they were told to stay in their garden. So sometimes I’d stand outside their gate and talk to them. But mostly I was alone.

After George had gone to prison, some of the neighbours had jeered at Mum, saying that he’d got what he deserved and calling her names. Mum would go round to their houses brandishing a stick and stand outside shouting, ‘Come on then!’ We used to be so embarrassed we’d stay indoors, giggling nervously and hoping she’d give up and come back home. It got so bad that other kids on the estate would pick on us because of Mum. They said she was mad, and we must be mad too.

Even though I knew he’d been locked away, it took a long time before I began to believe that George really was gone. At first I didn’t dare to believe it. I thought Mum would still make us visit him, or write. And I was afraid that he would find a way to get out of prison and come back, and then punish me for telling. But as the weeks went past and there was no sign of him, I gradually stopped watching out for him.

One thing made me very sad. Soon after George went to prison, his mum, Nanna Gladice, died. I missed her - she’d been one of the very few people who were kind to me, and I was sorry that she was gone.

I was still quiet in school, often daydreaming my way through classes and retreating to the wall in the playground. And at home things were better without George, but Mum wasn’t an easy parent. Jamie, who was plump and dark-haired, and Tanya, who was slim and pretty with shiny brown hair and blue eyes, were her favourites. I got shouted at and hit far more often than them - though Mum didn’t use a leather belt like George had, so it didn’t hurt nearly as much. But for Paul, especially, life was still very tough. Blond-haired and skinny as a whippet, he slunk around the house, trying to avoid Mum’s wrath, and stayed away as often as he could. She used to trap him in the gap at the end of the bunk-beds in his room, and she beat him so hard and so often that I once heard him begging for his life. She kept a pool cue in the house, even though none of us ever played pool. It was what she used to beat Paul with.

All the rules George had imposed went out of the window with Mum in charge. She couldn’t be bothered with any of them. We had tea when she felt like making it and the house became a total tip, with mess everywhere. Every now and then she’d decide to have a big clean-up, then she’d let it go again and the mess would pile up. We didn’t have set bedtimes any more; we stayed up until we were tired. Mum would let us stay up late and watch adult films like
A Nightmare on Elm Street
, which had an 18 certificate. I was seven when it first came out on video. Of course, it scared me witless. Afterwards, Jamie played tricks on me when I was going to bed, jumping out from behind doors in the dark, with clothes pegs on his fingers to make them look long and scary. I screamed my head off, but they all just thought it was funny.

There were bonuses though. In the mornings before school we were allowed to have the radio on - we loved that, because George had never permitted it. Mum used to make a big pan of porridge every morning, and every single day she burned it.

We all had problems. Jamie was still wetting the bed, and although it happened less often after George left, he still stank of urine all the time, and so did his bed.

Tanya had a nervous habit of biting the knuckle of her first finger - it was always in her mouth. And she would repeat things people said to her, but silently, mouthing the words. As for me, I constantly played with my hair, running it between my fingers, while going off into a world of my own, so that I didn’t notice anything going on around me.

With Mum not working and George gone, money was tight. Mum went to social services almost every week, begging for handouts. We dressed in tatty, sometimes ragged and usually grubby clothes. There was no money for extras and we lived on a diet of egg and chips. Mum did make an effort sometimes - she knitted us all big chunky jumpers in the winter. We had a picture taken of the four of us wearing them - mine had a pink and white spotted pattern and was a bit tight. Paul’s was spotted too, while Jamie and Tanya had green jumpers with a pattern of stripes on them. In the picture, we’re standing in a row and Tanya and I have our hair tied back so tightly that we look as though it hurts.

There was another change after George went - social services became part of our lives. The person who came most often was Anna Smithson, who would visit us about once a month. I grew to like Anna. She had soft hands and kind-looking eyes, and she was always nicely dressed and had a smile for all of us.

Mum’s reaction to the visits varied, depending on her mood. Occasionally she was all smiles, and we’d sit around the table and chat and Mum would say how well we were all doing.

But more often Mum would lose it, shouting and swearing at Anna, yelling a stream of obscenities, while us children cringed in the next room.

Sometimes Anna couldn’t even get in through the door. Mum would ignore the bell and tell us all to hide, or we would all go out when she was due to come round. Or Mum would shout at her from the living room to ‘Fuck off and leave us alone’. Anna would leave, but she always came back, and despite Mum’s appalling behaviour, she was always nice to us and polite.

As well as Anna’s visits to us, we had to go to the social services offices once a month for family therapy sessions. We’d all have to sit and talk with Anna or another social worker, and sometimes they talked to each of us alone for a few minutes, just to ask if everything was OK. We always said it was.

Life seemed to be settling down, and if it wasn’t great, then it was certainly better than it had been.

And then Terry arrived.

I didn’t notice him move in across the road, but it wasn’t long after George was sent to prison. He was in his late forties, stocky, with a shaved head. He wore grubby jumpers and a big belt tied round his trousers, which were pulled up high over his hips.

Terry lived alone, so it was odd that he’d been given a three-bedroom house. He did have a grown-up son who visited from time to time, so perhaps that was why. He also had a dog that went everywhere with him - an old mongrel called Barney. I loved Barney; he would always come up to me to be petted when he saw me in the street. I would stroke him gently under his chin and he loved it when I tickled him.

I never knew what Terry’s job was, but he seemed to work funny hours and was often around during the day, usually walking Barney. He seemed to be a bit of a loner, because apart from his son no-one ever visited his house. But he was always very friendly when he saw us playing outside. He would smile and let me play with Barney for a while before he went back home.

Mum soon got talking to Terry. She had alienated so many neighbours that there weren’t many people who would pass the time of day with her, so she homed in on someone new. She asked him over, and before long Terry was round at our house most days. He would bring cans of beer for Mum and she would make his tea for him after work. He was a bit of a replacement for George, although he and Mum were just friends. They would sit and chat together over cups of tea and when he offered to babysit for us while Mum went to bingo or round to see one of her sisters, she was delighted.

Terry made us all feel special by talking to us and taking a real interest. We kids all liked him and we were glad that he seemed to make Mum happy, because if she was in a good mood we wouldn’t bear the brunt of her bad temper. So when he offered to have me and Tanya over at his house for a bit, we all thought it was a good idea. Mum jumped at the chance to let someone else have us. We often seemed to irritate her and she was always looking for ways to get rid of us, so she didn’t ask too many questions.

Terry’s house was pretty horrible. There was no carpet on the floor or the stairs, and the walls were bare and undecorated. The kitchen was filthy and stank because Barney peed on the floor. And the battered furniture was covered in dog hairs. On top of the dirt, the place stank of the Old Spice aftershave that he wore all the time. But Tanya and I didn’t really mind any of this, because we had fun with Terry. He’d buy us treats and get videos for us to watch and we had a much better time than we had at home.

It seemed a bit odd that Terry used to lock the front door once we got inside, putting the key on a shelf out of our reach, but we weren’t worried, because he was our friend.

Before long, the two of us began going over to Terry’s almost every day, while Mum played cards with Nanna and Auntie Carol or one of her other sisters, Auntie Colleen or Auntie Claire. I was glad to be out of the house, because when I was there Mum was forever ordering me to make cups of tea and chip butties for everyone. I cooked and cleaned and ran around doing all the housework, while they made jokes about me being slow or ugly or stupid. I never felt wanted or included, so going to Terry’s house was a bit of a treat.

For some reason, Tanya didn’t have to do as much as I did at home. Probably because she wasn’t too afraid to say no, and she would walk out of the house and go and play rather than cook and clean. But she was still glad to get away. Mum made it clear that she didn’t want any of us around, so when Paul and Jamie went off with their mates, Tanya and I headed over to Terry’s.

Mum would tell us to make his tea so it would be ready for when he got home. We would go and put on the chips, eggs and peas and when Terry got back he would often have a present for us. He would bring back teddy bears and toys and even though he didn’t go over to Mum’s that much any more, he would still buy her food and even clothes. It seemed as if all she needed to do was snap her fingers and he would do whatever she wanted.

I thought Mum must have some magic hold over Terry. I didn’t understand that Terry was currying favour with Mum to get to us girls, and buying affection from me and Tanya with his gifts.

Then Mum threatened to kill herself again. This time she locked the doors, so no-one could get into the house. Tanya and I were playing outside when Paul came running to tell us that Mum was locked in the house with a razor blade, threatening to slash her wrists again. He had seen the blade before Mum closed the curtains, so that no-one could tell if she’d used it or not. We didn’t know what to do - so we ran over to Terry’s house. He was in bed after a night shift, but he got up and came over. We were all hysterical and crying, but Terry managed to get the back door open and went in and found Mum, who hadn’t cut herself and was fine.

After that, we thought Terry was a hero, and we relied on him more than ever. Soon Tanya and I were spending more time with him than we were at home, so when he suggested that next time Mum went to bingo Tanya and I stay the night at his house, instead of him coming over to us, Mum readily agreed.

Tanya and I were only too happy. We thought it would be an adventure and we ran to get our nightdresses and toothbrushes. We went over as usual, just before tea time, and Terry brought us fish and chips, which was a real treat. We all sat in the front room together eating them, and Terry told us we were going to have a great time and if we wanted we could make it a regular thing.