Mrs. Jafee Is Daffy! (5 page)

“Quick!” Andrea shouted. “Take her legs, Arlo!”

We picked up the sack with Mrs. Jafee in it and rushed back through the woods.

“Help!” Mrs. Jafee shouted. “Put me down, doggone it! I’m your vice principal!”

“No,” I said, “you’re a prisoner of war!
And in the words of Abraham Lincoln, ‘Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.’”

“Arlo, I don’t think Abraham Lincoln ever said that,” Andrea told me.

“Well, he should have.”

Andrea and I finally made it back to our side of the playground. We dumped the sack on the ground in front of Stonewall Jackson.

“Great work!” Stonewall said. “Put a gag in her mouth to keep her quiet. I mean
him
.”

Ryan and Michael wrapped a rag around Mrs. Jafee’s mouth and tied it in the back.

“What do we do now?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“Tie her up with this rope!” Stonewall Jackson said.

Neil tied up Mrs. Jafee. Everybody started yelling and cheering as word got around that our side had captured General Grant.

“We won!” kids were shouting. “We won the war!”

We were all yelling and screaming and celebrating when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened.

A plane flew overhead.

Well, that wasn’t the strange part, because planes fly overhead all the time. The strange part was that something was falling out of the plane.

“What’s that?” Emily yelled.

“It’s a parachute!” yelled Stonewall Jackson.

“They didn’t have parachutes during the Civil War,” Andrea said. “They didn’t have planes either.”

It didn’t matter what they had during the Civil War because the parachute was coming down right over our heads.

“It’s a man!” Ryan shouted.

“It’s a man with no hair!” Michael shouted.

“It’s Mr. Klutz!” Neil shouted.

“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” everybody started shouting. “He’s back!”

Everybody was happy to see Mr. Klutz again. But there was just one problem. His parachute was heading straight for the swimming pool at the side of the playground.

SPLASH!

It was a real Kodak moment. We saw it live and in person. Everybody ran over to the swimming pool.

“Help!” Mr. Klutz yelled. “I can’t swim! Glub glub glub glub!”

Stonewall Jackson jumped into the pool and fished out Mr. Klutz before he drowned.

“Why didn’t you go to the airport?” Ryan asked him.

“Well,” Mr. Klutz said, “I saw the school out the window of the plane; and since I learned parachuting at Principal Camp,
I thought that jumping out of the plane would be a lot faster than going to the airport.”

Mr. Klutz is nuts.

“We missed you so much!” said Andrea, the big brownnoser.

“I missed you all too,” Mr. Klutz said. “Where did this swimming pool come from?”

“Rent-A-Pool,” I said. “You can rent anything.”

“But why is it in the playground?” he asked. “I nearly drowned.”

“It was Mrs. Jafee’s idea,” Ryan said. “She said studies show kids learn better underwater.”

“Where
is
Mrs. Jafee?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“She’s, uh…tied up,” I said.

That’s when Mrs. Jafee came hopping out of the woods. She was still tied up in the sack. It was hilarious.

“What’s the meaning of all this, Mrs. Jafee?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“Arurahruhmrah,” said Mrs. Jafee.

Or at least I
think
that’s what she said. It was hard to tell because she had a gag in her mouth.

“I thought I told you I wanted everything to be nice and calm while I was away,” Mr. Klutz said. “It looks like there’s a
war
going on out here.”

“Arurahruhmrah,” Mrs. Jafee replied.

Well, that was pretty much the end of Civil War Week. Mr. Klutz helped us untie Mrs. Jafee and take the gag out of her mouth. Maybe she’ll stop trying to teach us her weird ways to learn. Maybe Mr. Klutz will learn how to swim. Maybe Swami Havabanana will get a job as a fizz
ed teacher in India. Maybe Miss Small will get her job back. Maybe Mrs. Jafee will stop saying weird stuff like “You betcha!” and “okeydokey.” Maybe I’ll get to eat more cake, cookies, ice cream, and candy. Maybe we’ll be able to talk Mr. Klutz into going to the airport like a normal person instead of jumping out of planes.

But it won’t be easy!

#1: Miss Daisy Is Crazy!

The first book in the hilarious series stars A.J., a second grader who hates school—and can’t believe his teacher hates it too!

#2: Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!

A.J. can’t believe his crazy principal wants to climb to the top of the flagpole!

#3: Mrs. Roopy Is Loopy!

The new librarian thinks she’s George Washington one day and Little Bo Peep the next!

#4: Ms. Hannah Is Bananas!

The art teacher wears clothes made from pot holders. Worse than that, she’s trying to make A.J. be partners with yucky Andrea!

#5: Miss Small Is off the Wall!

The gym teacher is teaching A.J.’s class to juggle scarves, balance feathers, and do everything
but
play sports!

#6: Mr. Hynde Is Out of His Mind!

The music teacher plays bongo drums on the principal’s bald head! But does he have what it takes to be a real rock-and-roll star?

#7: Mrs. Cooney Is Loony!

The school nurse is everybody’s favorite—but is she hiding a secret identity?

#8: Ms. LaGrange Is Strange!

The new lunch lady talks funny—and why is she writing secret messages in the mashed potatoes?

#9: Miss Lazar Is Bizarre!

What kind of grown-up
likes
cleaning throw-up? Miss Lazar is the weirdest custodian in the world!

#10: Mr. Docker Is off His Rocker!

The science teacher alarms and amuses A.J.’s class with his wacky experiments and nutty inventions.

#11: Mrs. Kormel Is Not Normal!

A.J.’s school bus gets a flat tire, then becomes hopelessly lost at the hands of the wacky bus driver.

#12: Ms. Todd Is Odd!

Ms. Todd is subbing, and A.J. and his friends are sure she kidnapped Miss Daisy so she could take over her job.

#13: Mrs. Patty Is Batty!

A little bit of spookiness and a lot of humor add up to the best trick-or-treating adventure ever!

#14: Miss Holly Is Too Jolly!

Mistletoe means kissletoe, the worst tradition in the history of the world!

#15: Mr. Macky Is Wacky!

Mr. Macky expects A.J. and his friends to read stuff about the presidents…and even dress up like them! He’s taking Presidents’ Day way too far!

#16: Ms. Coco Is Loco!

It’s Poetry Month and the whole school is poetry crazy, thanks to Ms. Coco. She talks in rhyme! She thinks boys should have feelings! Is she crazy?

#17: Miss Suki Is Kooky!

Miss Suki is a very famous author who writes about endangered animals. But when her pet raptor gets loose during a school visit, it’s the kids who are endangered!

#18: Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!

Mrs. Yonkers builds a robot substitute teacher to take her place for a day!

#19: Dr. Carbles Is Losing His Marbles!

Dr. Carbles, the president of the board of education, is fed up with Mr. Klutz and wants to fire him. Will A.J. and his friends be able to save their principal’s job?

#20: Mr. Louie Is Screwy!

When the hippie crossing guard, Mr. Louie, puts a love potion in the water fountain, everyone at Ella Mentry School falls in love!

#21: Ms. Krup Cracks Me Up!

A.J. thinks that nothing can possibly be as boring as a sleepover in the natural history museum. But anything can happen when Ms. Krup is in charge.