Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris & Mrs. Harris Goes to New York (25 page)

‘Lord Partington, who is on holiday here from Eton, where he is reported to be an Honour Student, said, “I have brought a message from the youth of England to the youth of America - us kids must stick together. If we do not swim together we will sink. Everyone ought to learn to swim.” He said the thing he wanted to see most in America was a baseball game, and will attend the Yankee–Red Sox game at the Yankee Stadium this afternoon.’

In the penthouse at number 650 Park Avenue, Mrs Schreiber (and in the kitchen Mrs Harris and Mrs Butterfield too) looked at these photographs and read the stories with her eyes popping.

‘My goodness,’ she said, ‘so young, and a real Lord al ready. And it says here he’s a relation of the Queen. And we were on the same ship. What a nice-looking little boy - and what beautiful eyes. He’s a real little gentleman, isn’t he? You can take one look and tell he’s an aristocrat. When the family’s good, everything’s good.’ Then her eyes met those of her husband, and they were caught there for a moment, and each knew of what the other was thinking.

To break the spell Mr Schreiber said quickly, ‘I don’t remember seeing him on the ship. That’s a good picture of you, Henrietta - but I look like my own grandfather,’ for they too had been photographed by the press and appeared among the arrivals of importance in the s.s.
Ville de Paris.

And in the vast kitchen of the penthouse, surrounded by the newspapers, from the front pages of which the promoted little Henry stared up at them, Mrs Butterfield dithered and blubbered. ‘What are you going to do now? I told yer somefink was going to ’appen.’

For once Mrs Harris did not have an answer. She said, ‘I’m blowed if I know, Vi. And you might as well know, I forgot to give Mr Bayswater our address.’

650 Park Avenue, New York 21,
N.Y
.
15 April

D
EAR
M
ARQUIS
,

I hope this letter reaches you, as I forgot to give our address to Mr Bayswater, and so you could not know where we are.

Mrs Butterfield and I saw you going on to the little boat that took you off our steamer, which neither you nor I thought of and did not expect. We waved to you, but I do not think you saw us, but Mr Bayswater and little Henry did.

We were very sorry we got you into this trouble with Henry. It was very good of you to say he was your grandson. I suppose you could not say anything else, and the pictures in the paper look very good. Ha ha, I guess it was not such a lark after all, and we are very sorry if we caused you any trouble.

You are a very kind man and I will come and get little Henry on Saturday when Mrs Schreiber has given me the day off. I will come on the train in the morning.

Mrs Schreiber has a very large flat and our rooms at the back are very nice. There are five of them with two bathrooms, and we will have no trouble in keeping little Henry out of sight when I bring him back, so you do not need to worry.

I have not had much time for sightseeing yet, though I have managed to visit Woodlawn Cemetery and it is a very nice one, with very many people buried there. Mrs Butterfield is still very nervous crossing the streets with the traffic all going the wrong side, and policemen blowing whistles at her, but the other day she went to a supermarket on Lexington Avenue to buy a few things for dinner and before she came away she had spent $187 of Mrs Schreiber’s money, for she had never been in one before and she could not stop putting things in the little basket and wheeling them away.

Mrs Butterfield joins me in sending you her kindest regards and thanking you for your kindness and wishes me to say how sorry she is you have had all this trouble and hopes that little Henry has behaved himself like a little gentleman.

If Saturday is alright, I will be there to collect him at 1 o’clock.

Please give my regards to Mr Bayswater and tell him I will write to him and thank him myself.

How are you getting on in the new job?

Hoping this leaves you in the pink as it does me,

Yours sincerely,       
A. H
ARRIS

French Embassy, 18 G. Street, Washington
N
10,
D.C
.
17 April

D
EAR
M
RS
H
ARRIS
,

Your welcome letter arrived here this morning, and although nothing would give me greater pleasure than
seeing you again next Saturday, I am afraid that collecting little Henry, unfortunately, now that I have been compelled to claim him as a blood relative, will not be quite that simple or instantaneous. The fact is that Henry has been an immediate success here, not only due to the social position with which I was led to endow him when questioned by reporters on board the ship, but also because of his own personal magnetism. He has charmed an ever-growing circle of acquaintances in the Corps Diplomatique by not only his ability to hold his tongue, but the quaint expressions which emerge when he loosens it. He is also, I am happy to note, extremely handy with his mitts, as the British would say, and has already endeared himself to our little community by hitting the son of the Krasnodarian Minister - a child quite as unattractive as his father - one on the nose for making disparaging remarks about Great Britain, France, and the United States.

The truth is that little Henry has been the recipient of so many invitations which we have been compelled to accept due to the identity which he has assumed, that he will not be free to return to you until a week from Thursday, or possibly the following Monday. I shall write and let you know. In the meantime, this will leave you free to pursue your search for the boy’s father, and perhaps bring this little adventure of yours to a rapid and happy conclusion.

I must confess that I await with some trepidation word from my son-in-law about this newest addition to his family. I have not heard from him as yet, but have no doubt that I shall.

As for myself, I am surely not as important as I am being made to feel by the hospitable Americans, but the sensation is a pleasant one. Is this not a wonderful and
warm-hearted people? We English and French must cement an enduring friendship with them if the world is not to be lost.

As soon as I can extricate Henry from the social whirl into which circumstances have forced him I will notify you. In the meantime, let me know how the search for his father proceeds.

Yours,             
C
HASSAGNE

NIGHT LETTER TELEGRAM FROM STOWE-ON-DART, DEVONSHIRE
.
18 April

MY DEAR HYPOLITE HAVE JUST SEEN WIRE PHOTO AND STORIES IN AMERICAN PRESS ON CHILD YOU HAVE SO BLITHELY KISSED OFF AS MINE STOP ARE YOU NOT A LITTLE ASHAMED AT YOUR AGE QUESTION MARK NEVER MIND THOUGH THESE WORDS ARE DICTATED OUT OF ENVY IN THE HOPE WHEN I REACH YOUR YEARS I SHALL BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE THE SAME STOP THE AMERICAN PRESS HAS OUTDONE ITSELF AND SOCIAL CIRCLES HERE ARE STIRRED BY THIS NEW CANDIDATE FOR THE PEERAGE STOP STILL HE LOOKS A PROPER LAD AND I AM GLAD TO HAVE HIM IN THE FAMILY STOP IF QUESTIONED I WILL CORROBORATE YOUR UNBLUSHING WHOPPER BY SAYING HE IS ONE OF MINE ON HOLIDAY IN THE U.S. STOP MARIETTE JOINS ME IN SENDING CONGRATULATIONS AND THANKS FOR A MOST PAINLESS BIRTH STOP YOURS AFFECTIONATELY DARTINGTON

650 Park Avenue, New York 21,
N.Y
.
19 April

D
EAR
M
R
B
AYSWATER
,

Well here I am at last, and hope you had no trouble getting to Washington with the Rolls and everything is going well.

I guess you are surprised what happened to little Henry. But it was not your fault, and I wish to thank you for your kindness in suggesting it. I have not written to say thanks before because there is a great deal of work to do in Mrs Schreiber’s flat. The last person to live here, or whoever cleaned up, was a proper pig, or did not know anything, and what it needs is a thorough scrubbing, which we are doing.

New York is a most interesting city once you get used to the tall buildings and everyone rushing about, and they have the most wonderful cleansers in the supermarket. One is called Zip. You only put a few drops in water and it will take the paint off anything. They also have a most superior dish powder, it is called Swoosh and is better than anything we have over there. They also have a very good floor polish. It is called Swizz. You just put it on and then everything is like a skating rink. Mrs Butterfield nearly went A. over tip after I had put some on the kitchen floor and does not think much of it.

Everything is done by electricity here, but if you want to clean a house good and proper there is nothing like bucket and soap and getting down on your hands and knees, which we are doing.

I think America is very interesting, but I am working hard and sometimes wish I was back with you all having a port and lemon on the good old
Ville de Paris.
Have you heard from the Tidders? I had a postcard from them from Dayton, Ohio, and have written to them to keep an eye out for George Brown, little Henry’s father. The Marquis says
Henry is fine, but I am glad that you are there to keep an eye on him too until I come to get him.

Well cheerio and hoping this leaves you in the pink as it does me.

I am your friend,   
A. H
ARRIS

French Embassy, 18 G. Street, Washington,
N
10,
D.C
.
22 April

D
EAR
M
RS
H
ARRIS
,

I thank you for yours of 19th inst. and hasten to assure you that I encountered no difficulties whatsoever on the trip down from New York to Washington, nor, might I add, had I anticipated any in a Rolls of my own selection. I am, however, not quite certain that American air is quite as salubrious for the carburettors as British air, for which they were intended, and I may have to make some adjustments later to compensate for this. You will be interested to learn, however, as I was, that the engine thermostat has not been at all affected by the American atmosphere and maintains its proper minimum coolant temperature of approximately 78 degrees centigrade. I am forced to confess that American road surfaces are far superior to ours, and I am wondering whether the front suspension springs and rear hydraulic shock dampers cannot be somewhat released.

As it deserves, the car attracts a good deal of attention on the road, and when I stopped for petrol in the vicinity of Baltimore, a large crowd gathered to admire it and there were many exclamations of admiration. One gentleman stepped up to the car, thumped its side and exclaimed in the American vernacular ‘Boy, they know how to build ’em over there.’ Outside of finger-marks the car came to no harm through this, and it was encouraging to me to find
at least one American aware of the superiority of British craftsmanship.

I have indeed heard from Mr and Mrs Tidder - a letter in fact containing a photograph of their grandchild, an infant whose finer points are bound to escape one who has been a bachelor all his life.

The days aboard the s.s.
Ville de Paris
were, as you say, most pleasant, and I look back upon them with pleasure.

I regret the unexpected turn taken by our little scheme, but can assure you that the boy is flourishing. He has made many friends among the younger members of the diplomatic colony here and I will add that so far, for reasons which we will not discuss, but which are known to us both, I have managed to keep him away from the children of the British Embassy, thus preserving his incognito.

Please remember me kindly to Mrs Butterfield, and with regards to your goodself,

I remain,                   
Yours faithfully,  
J
OHN
B
AYSWATER

Hotel Slade, Kenosha, Wisconsin.
1 May

D
EAR
M
ARQUIS
,

I guess you will be surprised to receive a letter from me here where I have come to find the father of little Henry.

Kenosha is a beautiful city with many factories of all kinds and many parks and nice streets and houses on the shore of Lake Michigan. Mrs Schreiber was very kind and advanced me the money to fly here when I told her I had a
relative, which is only half a fib because it almost would have been wouldn’t it?

I had no trouble finding Mr George Brown and his wife here, the one from the newspaper cutting I told you about, and they were very nice to me and gave me tea, which Mr Brown learned to drink when he was in England stationed quite close to London, and was glad when I showed him how to make it the proper English way. He had some friends who lived in Battersea so we had a good time talking over all the old places. He and his wife very kindly showed me around Kenosha in their car.

Kenosha seems to have almost as many factories as London, but Mr Brown said it was only a small city compared to some others like Chicago and Milwaukee. The Captain of the aeroplane pointed out those cities when we flew over them. They are very large.