Mr Nice: an autobiography (37 page)

‘I bring everything, Marks. See you.’

‘Ahh, Marks, why you stay in this hotel, and in Room 526? This number bad luck for you,’ said Selena.

‘
Fenshui
all fucked up,’ agreed April.

‘What’s
fenshui
?’ I asked.

‘It’s what
gwailu
professor call “geometric omen”,’ said April. ‘What you get depend on what you look at.’

‘What’s
gwailu
?’

‘You are
gwailu
, Marks. It mean White devil.’

‘So if the view sucks, you say the
fenshui
is not up to standard.’

‘Not just view, Marks, orientation, too. This hotel very bad. Why you don’t stay Shangri-La? It’s very good hotel. My friend works there as assistant manager. I get you good deal. Cost same money as here. I arrange for you.’

‘Okay. I just have to wait here until my friend comes from London tomorrow. Then I’ll check into the Shangri-La.’

‘Who is your friend, Marks?’ asked Selena.

‘He’s called Jim Hobbs. He is coming to Hong Kong to get married.’

‘Is he marrying
gwailu
or banana?’

‘What’s a banana?’

‘Yellow outside, White inside. Like ABC, American Born Chinese.’

‘Jim’s not marrying a
gwailu
or a banana. He’s marrying a real Chinese.’

‘Who?’ asked Selena.

‘You tell me. Maybe you or maybe April.’

‘Ah, Marks, you good man; you bring us husbands,’ said April.

‘Well, so far, only one, and he hasn’t got here yet. But there’ll be more.’

‘Is Hobbs handsome?’ Selena enquired.

‘No.’

‘Is he rich?’

‘No.’

‘Is he young?’

‘No.’

‘Is he sexy?’

‘I don’t know. He’s gay.’

‘I’ll marry him. How much will he cost?’

The million-odd dollars in the wardrobe had put me in a magnanimous mood.

‘Selena, I won’t charge you. And soon, I will bring you a husband, April, and I won’t charge you either. This is to show good faith. I would like the three of us to start a business. You find the wives and charge them. I’ll find the husbands and pay them. We three split the profits between us.’

‘This is good business, Marks,’ agreed Selena, ‘but to save face with you, I must pay for Hobbs. What do you want?’

‘No money. Just help me when I’m in Hong Kong. Show me around. Take me to places where no other
gwailus
go. Let me know all the secrets.’

‘Are you a spy, Marks?’ asked Selena.

‘No. I’m a hashish smuggler.’

‘I told you,’ shrieked April. ‘I knew it. Marks, like I say before, we can get you whatever you want, anything under the sun. You want apartment, car, sex, dope, or go to private club, no problem. We can do. But each time you must pay
us what it cost and some commission. Same for you. Charge me and Selena for husband. Make commission. This Hong Kong business style. Between friends, too.’

‘Okay, then pay me 100,000 Hong Kong dollars for a husband for each of you, but keep the money yourselves, and take out of it your charges for whatever I ask you to do for me. Then I can telephone you from abroad and still ask you for help.’

‘Yes, Marks, this is good plan. I’ve made some joints. No tobacco. Cambodian grass. We smoke?’

A few joints and a few hours went by. Selena and April divulged details of their private lives. Selena was the mistress of a number of Japanese tycoons. April was the mistress of a senior British diplomat. They were high-class hookers who only had sex when paid to do so.

Dawn came. The girls left. I fell asleep.

Sometime in the evening, Hobbs arrived. I explained the problem with the money. I told him to whom he was getting married and why. He thought the idea amusing and was convinced he could recruit for the cause some more men of his orientation. I asked him to stay in the room and look after the money while I dashed around to sort things out.

First I went to Cable and Wireless to telephone the LAPD number.

‘LAPD. Can I help you?’

‘Is that you, Flash?’

‘Sure is, buddy. You want our friend?’

Flash put me through. Ernie had been worried and was glad I called. There was more money for me to pick up in Hong Kong. Bill was still at the Mandarin. He had $250,000 ready for me. Richard Shurman’s son Steve was in the Peninsula Hotel. He was holding about $150,000. Bruce Aitken was holding about the same amount in his office in Edinburgh Towers. Steve had the full and detailed instructions for the scam, but Ernie, indiscreetly lapsing a bit into a worrying junkie-like slur, made it clear that with the
money he was wishing to do two scams: two tons by sea from Bangkok and five tons by air from Karachi. Ernie might be a bit incoherent, but he was still capable of getting it on.

With no baggage, I checked into the Shangri-La Hotel on the waterfront in Tsim Tsa Shui East. April had done the business. The management were expecting me and had upgraded my room to a penthouse suite. The sights of Hong Kong harbour were spellbinding. I guess the
fenshui
was up to par.

The hotel had safe-deposit boxes for the use of clients. None was big enough to accommodate all the money being guarded by Hobbs in the Park Hotel, let alone that to come, but the largest would take about half. I rented it.

From a phone box I called Bill at the Mandarin and said I’d see him there late the next morning. I called Steve at the Peninsula and arranged to meet him in the lobby at midnight.

A young, blond-haired, Californian surfer type was waiting for me when I arrived. Next to him was a Panosonic videorecorder cardboard box.

‘Hi, man. I guess you must be Howard. The money is in this box. This letter’s for you. By the way, I think we’re hot.’

‘What do you mean, Steve?’

‘The Customs searched me at Hong Kong airport. They found the money and asked a bunch of dumb questions. I just said the money was mine, all $150,000 of it. All mine. I’ve come to do some big spending. My dad said it was completely legal to bring money into here.’

‘Money is legal enough here, but for sure the Hong Kong Customs will let the DEA know about it. And it’s kind of dumb bringing videorecorders from the US to here. Did the Customs find this letter?’

‘No. They didn’t search my pockets. And I bought this videorecorder here this morning.’

‘You left the money in the room unattended?’

‘Yeah. I kinda hid it. And I put the “Do Not Disturb” notice on the door.’

‘From where did you make the booking for this hotel, Steve?’

‘From Los Angeles.’

‘So we can assume that your telephone is now tapped, there’s a bug in your room, and at least one of the guys watching us in this lobby is a DEA agent. Thanks, Steve.’

‘Hey, I’m sorry, man. What else could I do?’

‘Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. When you finish your drink, take the box back up to your room. Empty the money into a suitcase. Put the videorecorder back into its box. Stay in your room. Sometime tomorrow morning, a girl called Suzy Wong will come to your room.’

‘Great!’

‘What make is your suitcase, Steve?’

‘It’s a Louis Vuitton. It’s real neat.’

‘Suzy Wong will bring you a new one and take away yours with all the money. A few minutes after that, I’ll call you from the lobby here. Then bring the videorecorder in its box, and give it to me. You won’t see it again.’

‘Hey, man, that cost me $400.’

‘I’ll give you $500 tomorrow morning.’

‘Sounds good to me.’

Steve went back up to his room. There were now just three people in the lobby: an expensive hooker, an Indian, and a crew-cutted occidental, who to my mind was clearly a DEA agent. I stared at the heavily waxed floor. A huge cockroach ran out from under a seat.

‘My goodness. Would you believe it? A cockroach in the Peninsula! This would never have happened a few years ago. We’ll see more of this sort of thing when Hong Kong goes back to China. May I join you? I am Sam Tailor.’

I stood up and shook his hand. I had heard of this man. He was Hong Kong’s best-known tailor. His clients included Dennis Thatcher and David Bowie.

We talked. Sam explained how his family had lived in Hong Kong for several generations. They were brought over
by the British. The Empire’s divide-and-rule strategy had not worked: Chinese wouldn’t bust other Chinese, so Indians were imported to police the unruly Hong Kong natives. They had stayed on. Those who weren’t police or security guards tended to have thriving businesses. He was worried about 1997. Communist China would not be too kind to the Indians. He gave me his business card. I said I’d visit him next day and order some clothes.

It was almost 2 a.m. I left the Peninsula. I didn’t appear to be followed, but I ducked through some alleyways just in case, and I went to Bottoms Up.

Selena and April were both still on duty. We made arrangements for Hobbs and Selena to meet tomorrow afternoon at the Hong Kong Registry Office and for April (using the name Suzy Wong) to pick up the money from Steve at 11 a.m. and take it to her apartment in Tai Koo Shing on Hong Kong Island.

After a few drinks, I called in the Park Hotel, explained the arrangement to Hobbs, picked up everything of mine except the huge suitcase of money, and returned to the Shangri-La.

I read the letter from Ernie. The instructions for Pakistan were to get five tons of the finest commercial hashish and air-freight it to John F. Kennedy Airport, New York. The consignment must be labelled as ‘telephone components’, the consignor’s name must be KAA, the Japanese national telephone company, and the consignee’s name must be AT&T, the huge American telephone company. The air waybill must show the origin to be Tokyo.

The instructions for Thailand were to get two tons of the finest commercial marijuana and send it by container sea-freight to Long Beach, California. The consignment must be labelled ‘oil exploration gear’ and addressed to ‘Long Beach Petroil’. Any sensible Indonesian consignor could be used. The origin had to be Jakarta.

More money was coming, another $450,000. I had to keep the Pakistani up-front costs down to $1.5 million, the
Thai up-front costs down to $500,000. I had to ensure that at the end of the day Ernie was due 60% of the gross returns. If I could do all this, then $250,000 of the $2,250,000 Ernie was now sending could be regarded as an advance against the scams’ successes. Should the scams both fail, I should regard the $250,000 as my overdue coming-out-of-prison, thanks-for-not-snitching money.

If all went well, I would make a couple of million dollars. If it didn’t, I still had $250,000. I felt rich. I was looking forward to a busy day.

Early the next morning, I caught the Star Ferry and went to the Wing On building to see Armando Chung. Drinkbridge Hong Kong Limited had been incorporated. Address, telephone, telex, and secretarial services could be provided by Armando’s office staff. Suitable notepaper and business cards were immediately available for use. An account had been opened at Hong Kong & Shanghai Bank. I should present myself to them. After completing some formalities, I rented the biggest safe they had, and I took the Star Ferry back to Tsim Sha Tsui.

Just outside the Star Ferry is the best fresh fruit-juice bar in the world. Sipping a concoction of guava juice and yoghurt, I could see the entrance of the Peninsula Hotel. April emerged with a Louis Vuitton bag. She wasn’t followed. I went into the lobby and telephoned Steve’s room. He came down with the videorecorder and joined me for a quick cup of coffee.

Sam Tailor’s establishment is in Burlington Arcade, about half a mile from the Peninsula. Carrying the videorecorder, I took a cab there, hoping and believing I was being followed. The shop was full of Europeans being measured up for clothes. Sam was at the back and singled me out for his special attention. I paid for several suits and shirts, and asked if I could leave the videorecorder there while I did some more shopping, I walked swiftly out of the arcade and down the steps of Tsim Sha Tsui underground station.
Jumping on and off trains, I took a circuitous route to Central Station to see Bill at the Mandarin. If the DEA were following the videorecorder box, they’d be completely confused. If they were following me, I’d lost them.

Bill gave me a large red leather briefcase containing $250,000. I took it by cab to the Shangri-La and emptied the contents into my safe-deposit box. I rented a hotel limousine, went to the Park Hotel, and in three journeys took a million dollars to the Hong Kong & Shanghai Bank and placed it in the safe I’d just rented. On the third return journey, I called in to pick up the $150,000 from Bruce Aitken in Edinburgh Towers and took it to the Shangri-La safe-deposit before getting to the Park Hotel. I picked up Hobbs and the remainder of the money, $250,000 from the big suitcase. After leaving Hobbs with some generous expenses and a description of Selena, I dropped him off at the Hong Kong Registry Office and went back to the Shangri-La. After locking the money securely away, I walked to Cable and Wireless and called Malik. He’d come to Hong Kong the next day. He would stay in the Miramar Hotel. I rang Phil in Bangkok and told him I’d visit him there in seven to ten days. I rang the LAPD number. Flash put me through to Ernie, who wanted to send the remaining $450,000 as a wire transfer to a bank account. It would be sent from an impeccable source. I gave him the details of my account in Crédit Suisse at the Far East Financial Centre in Admiralty, Hong Kong. I walked back to the Shangri-La and telexed Roy Webborn of the Welsh Water Authority saying that the initial reaction to his proposal was favourable. Got to keep the front going. I rang up April and told her to bring round the Louis Vuitton bag. There was enough room in the Shangri-La safe-deposit box for another $150,000. I rang up Sam Tailor and asked him to please deliver the videorecorder and clothes to the room I’d still kept on in my name for Hobbs at the Park Hotel. I lay down on the bed, and had a joint. Everything was under control.