Mr. Jack Is a Maniac! (5 page)

“Why would you want to do
that
, Mr. Jack?” asked Alexia.

“Yeah,” I said. “What did that big block of ice ever do to
you
?”

But Mr. Jack wasn't listening. He was concentrating on the big block of ice.

“Kids, don't try this at home,” he told us. “I'm a professional. I just hope I don't mess up my hair.”

Mr. Jack took a few deep breaths. Then he closed his eyes.

“Don't do it!” Andrea shouted. “You'll get hurt!”

“Yes, don't do it, Mr. Jack!” shouted Emily.

“Do you all want me to do it?” asked Mr. Jack.

“No!” shouted all the girls.

“Yes!” shouted all the boys. Breaking stuff is cool. Especially when you break stuff with your head.

It was exciting. There was electricity in the air.

Well, not really. If there had been electricity in the air, we all would have been electrocuted. But we were all glued to our seats.

Well, not exactly. It would be weird to be glued to a seat. Why would anybody do a dumb thing like that? How would you get the glue off?

“Okay, I'm going to do it,” Mr. Jack said. “One . . . two . . .”

But Mr. Jack didn't get the chance to break the big block of ice with his head. Because the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

We got called down to the gym.

Well, that's not the amazing part, because we get called down to the gym all the time. The amazing part was what happened when we were in the gym.

But I'm not going to tell you what it was.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

We had to walk a million hundred miles with Mr. Jack. I didn't have to be the line leader or the door holder because Mr. Klutz had already named me door closer of the day.

The whole school was in the gym. Mr. Granite made us sit boy-girl-boy-girl. So I had to sit between annoying Andrea and crybaby Emily. Ugh, disgusting!

Mr. Jack went up to the front of the gym, where Mr. Klutz, Dr. Brad, and our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee, were standing. They all held up their hands and made shut-up peace signs. We all stopped talking.

“Mr. Jack told me you kids did a great job today,” Mr. Klutz announced. “So each of you will receive this self-defense certificate. Remember, the skills you learned are
only
to be used in case of an emergency.”

“Zat's right,” said Dr. Brad. “Vee try to avoid fighting and talk zings out venever possible.”

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

A big, black bear walked into the gym!

Everybody started laughing, because we figured the bear was just a couple of teachers wearing a bear suit.

“Very funny,” said Mrs. Jafee. “Okay, which of the teachers dressed up like a bear?”

That's when the bear got up on its hind legs.

“Rooooaaaarrrr!” roared the bear.

It wasn't some teachers wearing a bear suit. It was a
real
bear! The thing must have been ten feet tall, and it had razor-sharp claws and killer jaws!

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
everybody screamed.

I thought I was gonna die. We
all
thought we were gonna die.

Andrea and Emily and I were all holding on to each other. There was no place to go. The bear was in front of the door.

“Somebody call nine-one-one!” a teacher shouted.

“Run for your lives!” yelled Neil the nude kid.

“No!” shouted Dr. Brad. “Everyvun remain calm! If vee leave it alone, zuh bear von't bother us! Don't make any sudden moves!”

Everybody stopped moving. Everybody stopped talking. We all stared at the bear. The bear stared back at us. You could have heard a pin drop.

Actually, I wish I'd had a pin. I could have used it against the bear.

“Hey,” Mrs. Jafee said. “The bear walked right through the door. Who was door closer for the day?”

Everybody looked at me. I tried to make myself as small as possible.

“Let's not play zuh blame game,” said Dr. Brad. “Let me handle zis. At Ella Mentry School, vee alvays try to talk zings out. I vill try to reason vis zuh bear.”

Dr. Brad went over to the bear.

“Now, let's be reasonable, bear,” he said. “Zees is our school. You live in zuh voods. So zuh logical zing vould be for you to go back to zuh voods and us to—”

But Dr. Brad didn't get the chance to finish his sentence, because the bear suddenly picked him up and threw him across the gym!

Wow, that was the second time in a day that somebody had picked up Dr. Brad and thrown him. That had to be a record.

It was amazing! You should have been there. We got to see it live and in person.

“Ooof!” said Dr. Brad when he landed on some foam pads near the bleachers. He seemed to be okay.

The bear was looking around, like he was trying to decide who to mess with next.

“What are we going to do
now
?” somebody yelled.

“Mr. Klutz, you should take care of it,” said Ryan. “You're the principal.”

“What am I supposed to do?” asked Mr. Klutz, who looked as scared as anybody. “Send the bear to the principal's office?”

“You could give the bear detention,” I said.

“Wave a red cloth in front of the bear,” suggested Alexia. “I saw that on TV once.”

“They do that with
bulls
, dumbhead,” said Andrea. “Not bears!”

That's when we realized we had a real black-belt self-defense expert right there in front of us.

“Get him, Mr. Jack!” shouted Michael. “This is just the kind of emergency you were telling us about.”

“Yeah, you know karate and stuff,” I said. “You can break a block of ice with your head. Show him how tough you are, Mr. Jack!”

“Yeah!” everybody yelled. “Get him, Mr. Jack!”

“Who, me?” asked Mr. Jack, taking a step backward. “I don't know how to . . . I . . . uh . . . it's a
bear
!”

Mr. Jack looked like he was going to cry.

“You told us to expect the unexpected!” shouted Andrea. “Well, this is unexpected!
Do
something!”

“Yeah,” said Mr. Jack, “but when I told you to expect the unexpected, I wasn't expecting
this
.”

“Too bad the bear doesn't have a glue stick,” I said. “Then Mr. Jack would know what to do.”

“Why don't you break a big block of ice over the
bear's
head?” Ryan shouted.

“I'm afraid of bears!” Mr. Jack was whimpering and sobbing.

“Come on, Mr. Jack!” said Mr. Klutz. “Man up! Go get him! You're our only hope!”

“I can't,” Mr. Jack said, blubbering. “The bear will mess up my hair!”

The bear got up on its hind legs and let out another roar. Everybody was frozen.

Well, everybody wasn't
really
frozen. If everybody had been frozen, we would have been made out of ice cubes.

“We're all going to die!” whispered Emily. I'm sure she would have run out of the gym if the bear wasn't blocking the door.

That's when Andrea whispered in my ear.

“We've got to
do
something, Arlo!”

“We? Like
what
?” I whispered back. “What are we going to do? Leave me out of this.”

“Come on!”

Andrea grabbed my hand and pulled me up. We went running over to the bear.

“We've got to intimidate the bear,” Andrea told me.

“How are we gonna do
that
?”

“Eeee-yah!”
she screamed. Then Andrea jumped up and karate-chopped the bear right in his stomach!

Well, the bear must not have expected
that
. He turned around angrily and took a swipe at me with his razor-sharp claws. I dove out of the way. He missed me by inches!

“We've got to make ourselves look bigger!” shouted Andrea.

She raised her hands in the air and spread her legs apart. Then she started stomping around and waving her jacket and whistling.