Mr. Hollywood (Celebrity #1) (9 page)

There was no point trying to hide the truth anymore.
Seeing her again had forced me to admit my feelings for her. I
’
d never loved anyone the way I
loved Aubrey Hart. She was perfection as far as I was concerned. There wasn
’
t a woman on the planet that could
measure up to her
—
at least not that I
’
d ever met.

“
Why
did you break up?
”
Dr. Wilson asked, continuing
to probe for answers to my damaged psyche.

“
Actually,
we never did
—
at least not officially. I had
hoped to bring her to LA with me when I first moved out here, but I got drunk
one night and cheated. After that, I couldn
’
t
bring myself to face her. Instead, I waited for her to get ahold of me again,
but she never did. I
’
ve since discovered that she walked
in on me while I was with someone else. She just left
—
didn
’
t
confront me about it. I never knew why she disappeared, only my own part in it.
”

“
So
this happened a long time ago? Haven
’
t you been in Hollywood for quite a
while?
”

“
Yeah,
ten years. She was my high school girlfriend.
”
There
he went with that damn pen of his again. I sure wished I could see what he was
writing.

“
Was
sex with her also your first time?
”

That was funny.
“
Oh, hell no. I
’
ve been sexually active since I was
fourteen.
”

“
And
have you had any other meaningful relationships before or since then?
”

Quickly, I thought back over the last several years
and the people I
’
d been with.
“
I
’
ve
dated one woman more seriously than others, but never with the intent that the
relationship was going anywhere. Mostly it was just because I liked to pass the
time with her. She was comfortable
—
easy to talk to
—
most of the time.
”

“
So
you
’
ve never met anyone else who meant
as much to you as your old girlfriend?
”

“
Not
even close.
”
It was incredible how much
pain those words revealed. Regret laced through me, making me feel tied up in
knots. I wanted to suppress the feelings inside me and make them go away.

“
How
do you feel about this girl now when you think about her?
”
The questions were getting harder,
but I was up for it. Somehow, talking about Aubrey was easing some of the
frustration from our encounter.

“
Honestly,
she turns me inside out. I feel terrible about hurting her, but there
’
s no way for me to make it up to
her. How do you take back being unfaithful to someone you love?
”

“
Are
you still in love with her?
”

“
I
am.
”
Wow. I didn
’
t even hesitate.

“
Have
you seen her since you split?
”

“
Not
really. I just barely discovered
—
like two days ago
—
she
’
s
living here in LA. I had no idea.
”

“
If
you had the chance to make things square with her as part of your recovery,
would you want to?
”

“
Absolutely!
One hundred percent
—
no question.
”
I
’
d
do anything to not see the pain in her beautiful hazel eyes staring at me from
her lovely face.

“
What
was your substance abuse history like while you were with her?
”

“
Pretty
much nonexistent, except for alcohol at parties on weekends and maybe some
marijuana occasionally. Normal teenage party behavior.
”

“
When
did you start getting more involved with substances, then?
”

“
Not
too long after I cheated on her. Someone at a photo shoot offered me something.
I was feeling guilty and wanted to numb the pain, so I took it. I didn
’
t use super often in the beginning,
but it slowly escalated from there.
”

“
So
would you say your guilt from cheating on her was one of your initial triggers
to use?
”
He was writing like a fiend now. I
tried not to let it bother me.

“
I
guess I would.
”
It was kind of ironic that
this might actually all lead back to my initial mistake. Had I really been self-medicating
all this time as a way to forget about Aubrey? If so, I was seriously messed in
the head, and a complete jerk to boot.

“
I
think you may need to try to make things right with this girl. While I
’
m not necessarily advocating a
rekindling of the relationship right now, since we don
’
t encourage that for people who are
in rehab, I do think maybe clearing the air with her would help you with one of
your triggers. How do you feel about that?
”

“
Actually,
I completely agree and had already made up my mind to do so.
”

“
Good.
Later on, when we get you more squared away, we can even invite people in for
sessions with you. If you think she
’
d be receptive, we can even ask her
to come sit in on one of our visits.
”

“
Okay.
I don
’
t know if she will, but we can ask.
”
Just the thought of having a chance
to sit down and really explain things to her excited me. Would she listen?
Would she care? Or would she tell me to fuck off, like I deserved?

“
Perfect.
We
’
ll see how things progress from
here. For now, I just have one more question for you.
”

“
Shoot,
”
I replied, feeling pretty
comfortable with what we
’
d talked about so far today.

“
I
want to know if you think you
’
re an addict?
”

Sucker punch out of nowhere. Point goes to the sneaky
doctor. Pondering his question for a moment, I didn
’
t really know what to say.
“
I don
’
t
know. I
’
ve always felt like I could stop
whenever I wanted to. I just haven
’
t wanted to.
”

There went the pen, scribbling more notes. After a
moment he set it down and interlaced his fingers, staring at me.
“
I have to tell you, Zane. Treatment
here will be totally pointless unless you can admit you have a problem.
”
I opened my mouth to reply, but he
quickly raised his hand, stopping me.
“
No, I don
’
t want to argue with you about
this, and I don
’
t want you to change your answer.
Right now I want you to spend the next day contemplating your life. I
’
m going to give you a homework
assignment.
”

Yay. Homework. Just what I didn
’
t need.

He continued.
“
I want you to write down all the
times you
’
ve had problems in your life
—
just the things that really stand
out to you
—
and then I want you to note whether
or not those problems were caused or worsened by using any kind of drugs or
alcohol. Be as honest about it as you can. When we meet tomorrow, I
’
ll ask you this question again and
we
’
ll see where we stand then. Can you
do that for me?
”

Nodding, I wiped my hands against my jeans, not caring
for this idea at all.
“
Sure. No problem.
”

“
Wonderful.
Until then, you
’
re free to go.
”
He stood and held out his hand.
“
I really enjoyed getting to visit
with you today. I feel like you are very open and up front, and I think that
will aid you a lot in your stay here. I
’
m confident this will be very
successful for you if you
’
re willing to put in the effort.
”

Rising, I shook his hand.
“
Thanks for your help. You
’
ve given me a lot to think about.
”
He really was good. I
’
d walked in here with a chip on my
shoulder and feeling more than sulky. I didn
’
t
want to talk; yet that was all I
’
d done. Of course, I hadn
’
t told him anything about that one
particular incident
—
and I never would.

“
If
you need me for any reason, just dial extension 210 on the phone in your room.
You need a special line to dial outside the facility, but you can call anywhere
inside.
”

“
All
right. Thanks for the info.
”

He walked me to the door and held it open.
“
Have a great day. Good luck with
everything. I
’
ll see you tomorrow.
”

“
Same
time, same place,
”
I replied as I stepped
outside.

My head was already buzzing as I slowly walked back
toward my room. I wasn
’
t looking forward to this assignment.
I didn
’
t need to actually complete it to
know what it was going to tell me I already knew.

“Sources Close
to Z McCartney are Staying Tight Lipped Over His Whereabouts.”

~
The
Gossiper
~

Chapter Six

Z

Sitting in my room, I picked absently at my lunch tray
that had been delivered by one of the orderlies. It actually tasted pretty
good, but my thoughts kept wandering back to my session with Dr. Wilson and how
my past with Aubrey, among other things, was a trigger for my drug use.

Not that it was her fault at all. No, that was all me.
I
’
d really fucked everything up, on
several occasions.

It was true what they said, about hindsight being
everything. I
’
d been doing the assignment I
’
d been given, my paper of misdeeds
sitting on the table next to my tray. Looking back over the past ten years, it
was easy to see every bad choice and mistake I
’
d
made. Instead of trying to fix anything, I simply immersed myself deeper and
deeper into the party scene, convincing myself I wasn
’
t hurting anyone and that I was
simply trying to forget those hidden secrets inside me.

Where had that gotten me? Sure, I was currently the
most sought after star in Hollywood, but at what cost? The people closest to me
these days were all paid employees who were relying on me for a paycheck, and
the rest of my
“
friends
”
were all people I partied with who
were out looking for a good time. It made me wonder if all the money and fame
disappeared, if everyone else would disappear with them.

Which brought me back to Aubrey. Had I really ditched
the one person who cared about me
—
the real me
—
and abandoned her because I was too
weak to face my own guilt? I should
’
ve run to her immediately and
begged her forgiveness. I should
’
ve not relented until she found a
way to let me back into her heart. I should
’
ve
brought her back here with me. Would things have ended up differently if I had?
Would going to her have stopped the other awful things I was hiding?

A soft knock at my door interrupted my thoughts.
“
It
’
s
open,
”
I said, not bothering to get up.

The door opened a crack, revealing Aubrey standing
there. She obviously was hesitant to even step inside.
“
I just came to check on you before
I go to lunch. I need to get your vitals again.
”

“
Come
in,
”
I replied, dropping my fork and
wiping my mouth with my napkin.
“
I was just having some lunch
myself. Would you like to join me?
”
I hoped the invitation
sounded casual enough, but alarm instantly appeared on her face.

“
I
.
 
.
 
. I can
’
t. I have lunch plans with some
other people. Besides, it
’
s unethical.
”

Man, I hadn
’
t even been here twenty-four hours
and I was already getting sick of that word.
“
I
don
’
t care if it is unethical. You and
I have a lot to talk about.
”

Mouth set in a firm line she anchored the blood
pressure cuff around my bicep.
“
We have nothing to talk about. You
lost your right to talk to me years ago.
”

Damn, she was still pissed from earlier it seemed
like. I watched as she popped her stethoscope in her ears and began inflating
the cuff. I was pretty sure she was enjoying torturing me as she inflated it
extremely high again, much like she did earlier. That was okay with me though,
I deserved it. If she wanted to lash out and hurt me, I
’
d let her.

As soon as she was finished, she took the cuff off and
checked my pulse.
“
How are you feeling, physically?
”

I shrugged.
“
Still a little out of sorts, but I
think part of that
’
s because I haven
’
t had a chance to hit the gym yet
today.
”
Working out had always been a good
stress release for me, and was a great way to stay in shape for my job
—
and all the ladies. I
’
d worked hard to hone my body
—
well, except for when I was using.
Regardless of that, I didn
’
t want to lose it while I was here.

“
The
keycard for your room will get you into all the facilities. The card readers
keep a record of all the places you
’
ve been. It helps the doctors keep
track of your activities.
”

“
I
know. They told me about it last night. Is the gym nice?
”

“
Yes.
It
’
s over in the Health and Fitness
building across the courtyard. I think you
’
ll be pleased with it. It
’
s a state of the art facility and
there are trainers on staff to help you with anything, if needed. There
’
s also an indoor swimming pool
adjacent, if you like to swim to work out. A smaller outdoor pool, as well as a
hot tub, is just outside the building, if you feel like sitting out and getting
a little sun.
”
Her voice was cold, with no
emotion. It was like she was reading me a damn brochure about the place. Still,
hearing her voice was better than not hearing it at all.
“
A lot of our patients like to go
check books out from the library and sit out there and tan and read.
”

“
Where
’
s the library?
”
I asked, not that I really cared to
read, I simply enjoyed hearing the sound of her voice and wanted to keep her
here as long as possible. If I could be around her a little more, maybe I could
convince her I wasn
’
t a threat.

She continued speaking, spouting off the accolades of
the amazing library, but I just watched her, taking in her long, brown hair
that was pulled back in a ponytail. She was wearing pale yellow scrubs with the
name Sunnybrook Haven Center for Wellness embroidered above the pocket, and I
thought the color looked amazing on her. I
’
d never considered scrubs as being
sexy before, but she made them look like the best in fashion.

Her figure was still as gorgeous as ever. She
’
d filled out a little more from the
girl I
’
d known, with more of a soft flare
in her hips and her breasts were a little bigger
—
fuller.
I liked the changes. The curves just made her even hotter and more womanly.
There was no doubt about it; I was just as attracted to her as I ever had been.

Suddenly I realized she
’
d
stopped speaking and was staring at me.
“
I
’
ll
be sure to check it out,
”
I said casually.
“
Thanks for the info.
”

Nodding, her eyes drifted toward the tattoos on my
arm.
“
That
’
s
new. I never pegged you as a guy who would get the Virgin Mary tattooed on him.
You used to complain about going to church when we were kids.
”

Normally, I didn
’
t talk to people about my tattoos.
They were private and had special meaning to me. But this was Aubrey. I used to
share everything with her and found I still wanted to.

“
I
got it after my dad passed away.
”
I pointed to where three
butterflies rested in the design.
“
Each
of these represents someone close to me that I
’
ve
lost. This one is for my dad, and this one is for my mom.
”

“
And
the third one?
”
she asked, obviously
intrigued and it made me feel good that she was interested.

Sighing, I reached out and gripped her hand.
“
The third one represents you.
”

Immediately she pulled her hand from mine.
“
I
’
m
not dead.
”
The hardness was back in her
voice.

“
I
didn
’
t say you were. I said they
represent people I
’
ve lost, and I
’
ve definitely lost you. I miss you,
Aubrey. I always have.
”

She stiffened, backing away.
“
I
’
ve
got to go. If you need anything medical, call the house line and they will page
me.
”
Picking up her charts, she headed
out the door and I didn
’
t try to stop her. She was angry
and she had every right to be.

Glancing back at my food, I didn
’
t feel like eating anymore. Maybe I
’
d just save it for later. For now I
needed to go work out some of the aggression I was feeling in the gym before it
was time for my group session later today.

Three days had passed. While I felt my treatment was
coming along nicely, I had yet to get Aubrey to loosen up around me, not even
the tiniest bit. Every morning she reappeared, looking like a vision, as she
did her rounds. Any attempt to speak about our past together was immediately
shot down. I hated making her feel so uncomfortable, so I just gave up trying
to speak to her entirely and it was eating me up from the inside out. There
were so many things I wanted to tell her.

After a restless night filled with extremely hot sex
dreams that all starred Aubrey, I was feeling antsy today. The gym had become
my favorite place to expel all my restless energy. I
’
d wolfed down my breakfast this
morning and immediately came for a hard work out. When I was finished, I
quickly rinsed off in one of the showers and jumped into the pool to swim
several laps, too.

Pounding my body into exhaustion was nice, but it didn
’
t seem to relieve the restlessness
in my mind. I knew I was supposed to be concentrating on working the steps I
’
d been learning, but I was consumed
with thoughts of setting things straight with Aubrey. I
needed
to fix things if I was going to
have any hope of moving on.