Mr. Hollywood (Celebrity #1) (27 page)

“
Tell
me what happened.
”

Not even pausing, my confession spilled out of me all
over again, describing every single vile moment I could remember in vivid
detail. After it was all out, I continued even further, telling him of the
repeated nightmares I
’
d been having for years, where I
was involved in a sexual relationship with this man, Andy. I didn
’
t know if the dreams were
suppressed memories of that night, or if they were caused by my guilt from
beating him, or even if it was my subconscious telling me I was attracted to
him.

Sometimes the dreams ended badly, either with me succeeding
in killing Andy, or watching as he suddenly pulled out a gun and shot himself
in front of me. No matter what happened in the dream though, I woke the same
every single time, gasping for air and feeling an incredible amount of terror
accompanied by the need to run as far and as fast as my legs could carry me.

Often times I did go running after the nightmares, all
the while contemplating if I was brave enough to just slit my own throat. I was
that desperate to stop the pain. Yet in the same breath I didn
’
t understand why I felt so angry
and violated. It was just a dream, wasn
’
t it? Yes, it was based on reality,
but no one had actually died.

Dr. Wilson listened to me as I rolled along, almost
without pausing to take a breath. It was as if I was cleansing my soul,
eradicating every terrible thing I could think of. After I finished, I slumped
in a heap against the couch, feeling completely drained as the doctor stared at
the massive amount of notes he
’
d made, lightly tapping his pencil
eraser against the paper.

“
Have
you ever done hypnosis before?
”
he finally asked, glancing up
at me.

“
No.
Why?
”
I was surprised by his question.

“
I
think I
’
d like to try some with you. With
the dreams and the night terrors you describe, I want to see if your
subconscious is holding some of the answers for you. This altercation with Andy
happened years ago, yet it still affects you so deeply. While I can understand
your guilt, I feel there may be more than meets the eye. How would you feel
about trying something like this to see if we can uncover anything else that
might help you?
”

I shrugged, dragging a shaky hand through my hair.
“
At this point, I
’
m game to try anything you want. I
just need to find some relief from the voices in my head. They
’
re killing me, Doc. One piece at a
time.
”

“
I
promise I will do all in my power to help you through this.
”

“
Thank
you. I appreciate it.
”
Drawing in a steadying
breath, I blew it out slowly, attempting to relax, my head pounding.
“
So do you want to try hypnosis
right now?
”

Shaking his head, he laid his notepad and pencil on
the table beside his chair.
“
No. I think you
’
ve had enough trauma for one night.
You should try to get some sleep for now, if you can. If you think you might
need something to help you rest, I can prescribe a sleep aid, too. But I don
’
t want to give you anything if you
feel that might set you back.
”

“
I
’
ll go without. Thanks, though.
”
Glancing at the clock, I was
surprised to find that two hours had slipped away since Dr. Wilson had arrived.
I hadn
’
t realized how bottled up things
had been inside me. It was as if confessing things to Aubrey had done a whole
lot more than let off a little steam. It had caused the pressure cooker inside
me to explode.

 
“
Good.
”
Dr.
Wilson seemed pleased by my refusal to accept any medications. 
“
I
’
ll
come back in tomorrow and we can try the hypnosis in the afternoon. That way
you can participate in the morning group, prior.
”

“
Isn
’
t Sunday your day off?
”
I asked, already feeling guilty for
having called him in here twice today.
“
I can wait until Monday.
”

“
I
don
’
t want to do that to you. I think
we should get it over with soon, so you can start your recovery in the best
place possible. There
’
s no point in dragging this pain
and torment inside you out any longer than necessary. Let
’
s get it dealt with so you can move
on and begin healing.
”

“
Thank
you. I appreciate it.
”
His generosity overwhelmed
me.

“
I
know things seem dark and difficult for you right now and that you
’
re experiencing a lot of confusion.
But I promise you I
’
ll do my absolute best to help you
get to a place where you can adequately deal with things. The goal is to get to
a spot where you can move forward with peace and confidence, while feeling like
you
’
re in complete control.
”

“
Control.
”
I chuckled wryly.
“
I like the sound of that.
”
I hadn
’
t had control in ages. Even though
I loved acting, I
’
d become a puppet in the hands of
other people. They pulled the strings and I danced however they wanted me to. I
was tired of it.

“
So
do I.
”
Dr. Wilson smiled and stood, moving
through an adjacent door before quickly reappearing with two bottles of water.
He extended one to me and I took it, thanking him.

“
Is
there anything else I can help you with before we go?
”
he added.

“
Actually,
there is. I made the decision to check back in tonight on a spur of the moment
fluke. No one knows I
’
m here and I was too upset to talk
to anyone when I came in. I
’
ve already surrendered my phone.
Would it be possible for you to let Aubrey and Penelope know I came back? My
suitcase is still packed and sitting on my bed at the penthouse. Aubrey and I
stopped by there so I could drop off my things and get some video games for my
son before I went to meet him.
”

“
I
can do that for you, no problem. How
’
d meeting your son go, by the way?
”

Smiling widely, my heart filled with a sweet,
beautiful feeling just thinking about him.
“
It
was incredible.
He
’
s
incredible. I
’
ve never felt such pride
—
or love, I guess
—
over anything I
’
ve ever done. I know Aubrey
deserves all the credit for how she raised him, but I can
’
t get over how a part of me helped
to create Dustin. He
’
s perfect. He
’
s
my
son, and he
’
s still perfect.
”
I looked up.
“
I can
’
t
believe how quickly I bonded with him. Help me fix this so I can be a good dad
to him. I can
’
t touch his life with all this
darkness. I can
’
t destroy him, too. That would kill
me.
”

“
You
won
’
t. We won
’
t allow this darkness to destroy
you, either. We want all of you to walk away from this experience better for
it.
”

I considered his words for a moment, feeling like that
would be a miraculous event, if it could ever actually happen.
“
I hope that will be the case, Doc.
I really do.
”

Something inside me had already changed. For the first
time in years, I felt hope.

“Is Z McCartney Keeping a Big Secret?”

~
The Inquisitor
~

Chapter Twenty-One

Z

After my early group session, I spent the remainder of
the morning reading several pamphlets on hypnotherapy, as well as a flyer that
shared Dr. Wilson
’
s credentials and past success with
using hypnosis in a psychotherapeutic setting.

After I was finished reading everything he had
delivered to me, I had to sign a bunch of release forms, giving my consent for
this particular treatment to occur. My nurse, Chelle, came in to check my
vitals when the orderly brought my tray to my room.

I hated that Aubrey wasn
’
t
involved in my care anymore, but recognized it was for the best. Hopefully Dr.
Wilson would be able to tell me how his phone call with her had gone.

While I was concerned about what she was going through
right now, I had no doubt I was in the right place. It was time to start fixing
things. Ignoring them clearly wasn
’
t working. And whether or not she
was going to be able to get past my confession, I needed to do what was best
for me, at the moment. There could be no future for any of us, if I didn
’
t repair myself first.

Glancing at my watch, I realized it was later than I
thought and I was going to be late for my session if I didn
’
t hurry.

“
Any
chance you can hold my lunch for me? I have a session with Dr. Wilson in the
next five minutes,
”
I asked Chelle. I
’
d seen her around campus prior to
this, visiting with Aubrey, and I wondered how close they were away from work,
but felt it would be rude to ask. I didn
’
t want to put her in an
uncomfortable situation.

“
Sure
thing,
”
she answered with a smile.
“
Not a problem at all. Just ring for
it when you get back to your room and someone will be right over with it.
”

“
Thanks,
I appreciate it.
”
My thoughts continued to
center around Aubrey, and I wondered how she was doing today. That was the only
thing I hated about checking myself back in as an inpatient. I couldn
’
t speak with her. But she had asked
for time, so as far as I was concerned, she had at least ten days to come to
terms with what I
’
d confessed. Hopefully by the time
my confinement was complete she
’
d be willing to join me for some
sessions with Dr. Wilson
—
if she still wanted anything to do
with me, that is. A pang shot through my heart with that, but I couldn
’
t dwell on this right now, or it
would drive me bat shit crazy. When the time came to address it, then I would.
Until then I planned on doing whatever was needed to help get me into a better
place.

As soon as Chelle was finished, I left my room and
headed to Dr. Wilson
’
s office, knocking when I arrived.

“
It
’
s open,
”
he replied and I entered, finding
him sitting behind his desk.
“
Hi, Zane. Good to see you again.
How are you feeling today?
”

“
I
’
m all right
—
anxious to get this going.
”

“
So
am I.
”
He smiled warmly, but there was
concern in his eyes.
“
I want you to remember every person
is different though, and no one person will respond to hypnosis in exactly the
same way as another. It works really well for some and not so much for others.
”

“
I
get it. Don
’
t hold unrealistic expectations,
right?
”

He nodded.
“
Why don
’
t you have a seat and we can
discuss it some more. Feel free to lie or sit, whatever you find most
comfortable.
”

I did as he asked, sitting at one end of the couch,
wiping my sweaty palms restlessly against my jeans, and waited for him to join
me, in his traditional seat.

“
Do
you have any questions you
’
d like to ask me?
”
he asked once settled.

“
Not
really. I read all the material you sent and it sounds good to me. I did notice
that this treatment could be used both for emotional issues and aid in the
quitting of substance abuse. Is it possible to try both of those things?
”

“
Certainly.
That can all be worked into this session, dependent on how tolerant you are of
it. If we need to do more than one session, we certainly can. It all depends on
how you feel about it. You
’
re the one in control. I
’
m just the guide for the ride.
”

Giving a slight laugh, I nodded.
“
Got it.
”

“
Before
we start I need to ask you a couple questions for safety reasons. Is there
anything you particularly dislike or have any kind of aversion to, for
instance, a fear of falling, or drowning?
”

I considered his words carefully.
“
Not that I can think of right off
the top of my head.
”
I chuckled.
“
I don
’
t
care much for snakes, but I can deal with one if needed. We used to stumble
across them on the farm occasionally and they always scared the shit out of me,
at first anyway.
”

“
That
’
s good to know. Now along the same
vein, is there anything you find particularly peaceful? What do you find
relaxing and soothing?
”

“
Sunsets
at the beach or on the ocean.
”
I didn
’
t even hesitate.
“
I own a small boat and I love
taking it out on the water whenever I can. It
’
s
incredible. Of course, I loved sunsets when I lived in Montana as well. I like
nature and being outside.
”

“
Perfect.
That helps me a lot.
”
He jotted down several notes
before staring at me again.
“
So if you feel resistant to
anything I say, you have the power to reject that. Hypnosis can
’
t make you do anything you wouldn
’
t normally do. Since you seem to
respond well to visual stimulation, judging from your answers to my questions,
I will attempt to guide you into a trance state using visual cues. At times I
will ask you questions. You will answer as best as you can. There
’
s no right or wrong answer. If we
hit a wall that you can
’
t seem to break through, we
’
ll stop the session and try again
later, if we find it necessary, or go around it altogether.

“
Despite
all the Hollywood shows, which I have no doubt you
’
ve seen, I will not be putting you
to sleep. You will be awake the entire time. You don
’
t have to close your eyes unless
you want to.

“
Also,
I need to know if you want to remember everything you experience or if you want
to forget and have me break things to you later in a gentler manner.
”

I pondered this briefly.
“
I want to remember. No more trying
to hide or ignore things. Let
’
s get it all out on the table.
”

“
All
right. Please be aware that you might feel strange when you
’
re brought back to a normal level
of consciousness. People react in all manners, from disbelief, to feeling like
the session never happened. As you know, since you signed the waiver, I record
all my sessions like these so you as the patient can view it later if you so
desire.
”
He pointed across the room to a
camera set up on a tripod. I was used to being in front of cameras, so it didn
’
t bother me in the least.
“
Since you want to know everything,
all my notes and questions will be available to you afterward, as well. You can
even request a transcript if you
’
d like, so you can continue to
review it.
”

“
Thanks,
Doc.
”

“
Are
you ready to get started?
”

Immediately my pulse rate increased.
“
I am.
”

“
Good,
”
he replied.
“
Right now I want you to take
several cleansing breaths. Breathe in as if you were drawing the air up from
your toes and filling your body as well as your lungs. Concentrate only on
breathing and how it feels going in and out. In and out.
”

Naturally closing my eyes, I did as he asked, taking
in slow, steady breaths. Body responding, I felt the tension in my neck and
shoulders beginning to relax.

“
Now,
as you
’
re breathing, I want you to go to a
safe place. Perhaps you are sitting on your boat, watching the dying rays of
sunlight casting color across the vast waters of the Pacific Ocean as your
vessel bobs gently up and down, lulling and rocking, lulling and rocking.
”

Zeroing in only on the sound of his voice, I let him
paint the pictures for me.

He continued.
“
You have no worries or cares at
all, feeling completely at peace as you stare out at the beautiful sunset,
breathing deeply, over and over, again and again.
”

His voice was soothing to me and I could feel more
tension leaving. I continued to listen, visualizing the amazing sunset in my
mind
—
the feel of the boat beneath me,
the smell of the salt water in the air, and the way the breeze softly rippled
the sails.

“
Now,
as if you
’
re floating, you find yourself
drifting to a new location. Slowly, gently, you glance around and find yourself
on the family farm you grew up on. A soft breeze is blowing, causing the tall
natural grasses to sway, back and forth. Back and forth.
”

It was mind-blowing. I was standing in the middle of
the dirt driveway that led past the house toward the large barn in the back.
Beyond that, fields of corn stood tall and proud, swaying gently in the breeze.

Dr. Wilson
’
s voice continued speaking.
“
In the background are the sounds of
animals. Cows are mooing, chickens are clucking, geese are gobbling, but you
’
re not worried about them, you
’
re simply enjoying the sunset and
the way it washes the land and any buildings with golden color.
”

Everything was like I remembered it, but better
somehow, as if things hadn
’
t yet been touched by the death of
my mother. Casually, I moved forward toward the barn, glancing inside and
finding everything in an orderly fashion. All the animals were in their correct
pens for the night.

Puzzled, I frowned. This couldn
’
t be right. I was at home, not on
the Hart
’
s farm. We didn
’
t have any animals. Brent Hart
rented our pastures from us. Whose animals were these?