Moving On Without You (8 page)

Semester II

As the year moved along,
Tracy found herself spending more time with John than anyone else. She had
completely abandoned Chloe's lunch table and did not see her much outside of
class. Chloe asked Tracy if she had done something wrong,
Are you sure you
aren't mad at me?,
but Tracy was not mad at all. The two of them had grown
in different directions and Tracy was glad to use her chemistry tutor as an
excuse to avoid Chloe's empty conversations.

"How you been?" John asked.

"Fine. I know we just got back, but I'm tired
already," Tracy said.

"The semester is just getting started."

He sat in his usual spot across the lunch table
from her. They talked and Tracy laughed for the entire period. John stared into
her eyes, studying her every move. He was always calm and when he spoke she
listened.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked.

Tracy looked up from the book and nodded. John was
always asking her something. He wanted to know everything about her and she did
not mind answering his inquiries.

"Why are you with Mohammed?"

She couldn't help but laugh. John was never shy.
He did not look away or laugh when he asked ridiculously bold questions. He did
not apologize for offending her. He just stared at her and waited for an honest
response.

Tracy thought carefully before answering because
MD's friends sat relatively close to their table and she did not want to insult
him. The truth was she had been asked this question at least a dozen times in
the past couple months, but she still had not thought of a passable
explanation.

"I like him."

"Do you really? Because you don't seem like
you would go for a guy like that at all."

"He is weird, but I have gotten to know a
different side of him."

This was a suitable comeback. She leaned into her
book waiting for her friend to approve of her answer, but he refused to
confirm. He looked skeptical. Tracy felt her heart thumping which indicated
that she had been telling lies again. If that was not good enough what was the
right answer?

"He says things about you in gym class."

"What kinds of things?"

"He says he slept with you. . . .and other
things."

Tracy was annoyed at the idea of MD spreading
their personal business around to all his friends. It was undeniable though.
They had slept together. She was not sure what he meant by other things, but
she was also too afraid to ask. Plus, there was no way to even know if John was
telling the truth. He had never liked MD which didn't do much for his
credibility, but what could he gain from lying?

"You heard him say that?"

"Yeah, he told a few people. I didn't want to
say anything at first, but he keeps bringing it up. I figured you might want to
know."

She wondered if anyone believed MD. He could have
told a handful of people, but did they care enough to tell anyone else? She had
managed to keep to herself for the past year. There were a few classmates she
spoke to infrequently, but her personal life had always been off limits. Tracy
did not talk about her family and she never spoke about who she was dating. It
was his word against hers because not many people were even aware that they had
a relationship.

"Did he say anything else?"

"Not really. It just seemed like he was bragging."

"I don't know why anyone would brag about
that but whatever."

"I might be tempted to brag about you if you
were my girlfriend."

"Yeah, I guess it's harmless."

The bell came quicker than Tracy expected. She
stuffed her folder and book back into the top compartment and hurried to her
next course.

Tracy sat next to Chloe in Global Studies and
copied down every word from the overhead projector. Their teacher recited the
words from the screen, flipping from one laminated sheet to the next. The
classroom was still other than the wrists flicking the characters down on the
sheets.

It was hard to stay awake, but Tracy managed to
keep her eyes open. Chloe poked her in the shoulder just when Tracy began to
nod off to sleep. Feeling the foreign object touch her body made her jump back
upright. Chloe giggled in silence to keep from disturbing the surrounding
students.

"Hey," Chloe said.

"What?"

"What are you doing after school today?"

"Nothing."

"You want to go to the mall?"

Tracy shot her friend a confused glance. The two
of them had not hung out in months, but now Chloe was inviting her out on a
Tuesday. The whole thing was suspicious. She wondered if this was some kind of
ambush Chloe was luring her into.

"For what?"

"To hang out."

"We don't even have any way to get
there."

"My friend said he would take me, but I don't
want to go alone with him."

That explained it. Chloe was still shielding her
virginity like the national treasure and she could not be alone with a guy for
too long. Tracy just wondered why she was not asking one of her cheer buddies
to tag along.

"Please?"

Chloe sat there with her lips poked out like a
five year old. Tracy did not owe Chloe any favors, but she had not been
shopping in a while. It was a better idea than going home to sit and watch television.

"Fine."

"Thanks. Meet me out front after the last
bell?"

"Okay."

Pulling the giant bomber out of her locker Tracy remembered
she had to meet Chloe downstairs. Now, she regretted telling her friend she
would go shopping with her. The only reason Chloe had invited Tracy was to use
her anyway. Tracy tried to think of a decent excuse of why she could not play
the third wheel while she trotted down the steps.

I could tell her my mom needs help with
something. Or I have a lot of Spanish homework. Or I'm not feeling well.

Chloe would see through any of those excuses and
worse they had just about every class together. So if things did get awkward,
Tracy would have to deal with the tension all day Wednesday until Chloe decided
to forgive her. The truth was Tracy was tired, but Chloe would not care to hear
that.

Chloe was in their usual spot waiting on Tracy to
meet her. The front of the building cleared quickly. It was too cold to stand
around lollygagging.

"You ready?" Chloe asked.

"Yeah. Where's the car?"

"I don't know. Mike had to run to his
locker."

"Mike who?"

"Tall Mike, with the dimples."

Tracy stared at her friend blankly. Chloe had
never mentioned any Mike and the generic name did nothing to jog her memory.

"He plays basketball. . . .He always wears
jerseys."

Chloe stomped to show her impatience, but Tracy
had no idea who the guy was. She decided to redirect the conversation.

"Right. . . .How long have you two been
seeing each other?"

"A month. He's so nice and cute! I can't be
alone with him though."

"You've never been alone?"

"Not really. I used to talk to him after
practice. Then, on the phone but we just started going out on dates. Each time
I always bring my sister along, but she has band today. So I'm stuck."

"Oh well thanks!"

"You know what I mean. I would have asked you,
but I didn't want him to have to drop us off at two different places and you're
so busy with MD lately. I didn't want to bug you."

It had never occurred to Tracy that Chloe believed
they were growing apart due to MD's presence. That had nothing to do with why
Tracy hadn't been paying much attention to Chloe. Tracy had distanced herself
from Chloe because of her betrayal.

"I didn't realize. . . .So you kiss this guy
in front of your little sister?" Tracy asked.

"No! I haven't really kissed him yet."

"Wow."

"We're never alone."

Talking to Chloe made Tracy feel like a slut. They
had been virginal twins less than a year ago, but now Tracy felt like the bad
seed. Looking at their track records, nobody would have ever guessed Tracy would
lose her virginity first, but life had crept up on her. She had grown faster
than she anticipated.

"What is it like to. . . .you know,"
Chloe said.

"It's good. . . .sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

Tracy shrugged and looked down at the ground. It
felt strange to talk about sex with Chloe because she had known MD before Tracy
had ever met him. She did not want to ruin her view of him or deter Chloe from
enjoying her relationship just because Tracy's was based on false hope.

"It's good."

"Here he is!"

Tracy turned to see Mike walking down the path
toward them. He was tall and good looking. His smile showed the dimples Chloe
had referenced. Tracy remembered seeing him wandering around the halls, but
they had never spoken to each other.

Mike hugged Chloe for what seemed like forever.
Tracy diverted her eyes, but Chloe still had her head pressed to his chest when
Tracy turned back around. It was annoying how smitten they were with each
other. Tracy couldn't help but wonder why she could not have that.

"I parked on the side street."

He held onto Chloe's hand and Tracy followed
behind them. She traced the jacket letters with her eyes over and over again.
VARSITY. He must have been a senior because juniors did not play varsity—or did
they? The titles bopped around in her head, but she gave up trying to make
sense of them. At least he was on the better team of the two.

Mike was impossibly tall. She had to lean her head
back every time he spoke which got annoying after a while. Tracy wondered how
Chloe dealt with the height difference, considering her and Tracy were very
close in height. In fact, Chloe was slightly shorter than Tracy. No wonder they
had not kissed. She was nowhere near his face. If he did try to kiss her, it
would probably look like a crane dipping its head down to drink from a pond.

Tracy followed them from store to store. Inside
each shop the girls would split because they had totally different ideas
regarding style. Tracy wore sweaters and blouses while her friend collected
crop tops and graphic t-shirts. It didn't take long for Tracy to blow through the
fifty dollars in her wallet.

When Chloe was done spending her allowance the
three of them went to the food court. They sat at a tiny table barely large
enough for Mike to fit his knees under. Tracy tried not to look annoyed when
Chloe giggled at all his jokes. She munched on her burger and stared out
through the glass doors into the dark parking lot.

A cute bohemian girl with curly hair came up to
the door and yanked it back. Tracy watched her thinking how much she reminded
Tracy of Sabrina. When the girl took down her hood Tracy smiled. It was
Sabrina.

"I'll be right back," Tracy said.

She walked over to the other side of the food
court and cut in front of the girl so she could face her.

"You remember me?"

Sabrina screamed and wrapped her arms around Tracy
to embrace her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came with my friend and her boyfriend.
What are you doing here?"

"I came to return this dress my aunt bought
me. It's gross. Where have you been?"

"You dumped me remember?"

"You didn't want me after I started seeing my
ex. He dumped me anyway."

Tracy was not sure if it was an invitation or not,
but she was too excited to lose her confidence now.

"That sucks. You think you're gonna get back
together?" Tracy asked.

"Not this time. I'm over him."

"I hope so."

The line moved forward and Sabrina stepped up to
place her milkshake order. Tracy looked over and saw Mike and Chloe getting up
to throw their trash away and knew she had run out of time.

"I gotta get out of here but I'll call you
later?"

"Yeah, you better."

Tracy left the girl smiling at the register and
rejoined her group. Seeing Sabrina made her remember how much fun she used to
have, but Chloe was not aware of their friendship. It was one of the many
things that Tracy kept to herself which made it that much more exciting.

Running into Sabrina had lit a fire in Tracy. She
wanted to see her again as soon as she could. Their relationship had ended
against her will, but she did not feel entitled to a fight with Sabrina. Tracy
knew what she was getting into when her and Sabrina hooked up. Trying to hold
her down was like trying to catch a bird. Tracy wasn't ready to let go, but she
did because she didn't want to force Sabrina to stay somewhere she did not want
to be.

There were times when Tracy envied Sabrina for her
strength and willingness to be different. She walked proudly not caring what
anyone thought about her clothes or her hair. Sabrina spoke from the heart. She
had passion and it was electrifying to be in her presence.

As soon as Tracy got into the house after school
she dropped her bookbag in her room and ran back out the door. She was not sure
if Sabrina would be happy to see her pop up on her front doorstep, but Tracy
had to see her again. Sabrina looked excited when Tracy had left her the night
before, but that did not mean she wanted her to stop by her house. When Tracy
reached Via Street she began to feel silly. It may have been a better idea to
call first, but that would ruin the surprise. Tracy hadn't been to Sabrina's
home in months. She could have moved by now. Tracy tried to put the negative
thoughts out of her head and continued down the street.

The houses alternated from blue to yellow to red
as Tracy made her way down the block. Her heart began to race thinking about
how Sabrina may react to her showing up uninvited. The idea of being rejected
and having to walk back home made Tracy's stomach twist into a knot. She
thought it might be a good idea to turn and go back now before Sabrina found
out she was ever there but it was freezing cold. Tracy had to know how Sabrina
really felt before she got too wound up thinking they had some kind of future
together.