Motherless Daughters (54 page)

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86 When a daughter’s assumptions . . . : Rando,
Treatment of Complicated Mourning,
542.
88 Losing a parent to . . . : Ibid., 523.
88 A mother’s suicide leaves . . . : Ibid., 524.
88 Therapists have observed . . . : Karen Dunne-Maxim, Edward J. Dunne, and Marilyn J. Hauser, “When Children Are Suicide Survivors,” in
Suicide and Its Aftermath,
ed. Edward J. Dunne, John L. McIntosh, and Karen Dunne-Maxim (New York: Norton, 1987), 243.
88 Child survivors also may . . . : Ibid., 234-240.
89 When the psychologists Albert Cain and Irene Fast . . . : Albert C. Cain and Irene Fast, “Children’s Disturbed Reactions to Parent Suicide: Distortions of Guilt, Communication, and Identification,” in
Survivors of Suicide,
ed. Albert C. Cain (Springfield, Ill.: Thomas, 1972), 93-111.
89 Other daughters develop . . . : Ibid., 106-107.
89 The violence or mutilation often involved . . . : Rando,
Treatment of Complicated Mourning,
512.
90 Lenore Terr, M.D., a specialist . . . : Lenore Terr,
Too Scared to Cry
(New York: Basic Books, 1990), 44-45.
90 The psychologist Lula Redmond . . . : Lula Redmond,
Surviving: When Someone You Love Was Murdered
(Clearwater, Fla.: Psychological Consultation and Education Services, 1989), cited in Rando,
Treatment of Complicated Mourning,
536-537.
91 In 43 percent of all homicides . . . : Federal Bureau of Investigation,
Crime in the United States 2003: Uniform Crime Reports,
Table 2.11, Murder Circumstances, by Relationship, 2003,
http://www.fbi.gov/filelink.html?file=/ucr/cius_03/xl/03tbl2-11.xls
.
91 One need look no farther . . . : Marilyn Johnson, “A Place to Heal,”
Life,
June 1995, 44.
91 Because homicides are sometimes . . . : Rando,
Treatment of Complicated Mourning,
541.
92 Counselors at the Dougy Center . . . :
After a Murder
(Portland, Ore.: The Dougy Center for Grieving Children, 2002), 17.
92 Perhaps nowhere has this been . . . : Elliot, “Growing Up Grieving, With Constant Reminders of 9/11, B6.
92 For the “9/11 kids” . . . : Ibid., B6.
92 Children who lost parents in Oklahoma City and on September 11 have the difficult task . . . sum of its parts . . . : Rando,
Clinical Dimensions of Anticipatory Mourning,
171-173.
93 ”Why hadn’t I heard her . . . ”: Leslie Pietrzyk,
A Year and a Day
(New York: William Morrow, 2004), 166.
95 Death has a finality to it . . . : Mishne, ”Parental Abandonment,” 15.
96 Judith Mishne, in her article . . . : Ibid., 15-32.
99 Victoria Secunda, the author . . . : Victoria Secunda,
When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends
(New York: Delta, 1991), 145.
99- “Because acknowledging that one . . . ”: Bassoff,
Mothers and
100
Daughters
, 240.
101 “Feeling and talking through . . . ”: Ibid., 241-242.
Chapter Four: Later Loss
105 Nobody knows for sure . . . : Rutter, “Resilience,” 600; Therese Rando, personal communication, January 29, 1993.
105 Most therapists agree . . . : Sidney Moss and Miriam Moss, “Separation as a Death Experience,”
Child Psychiatry and Human Development
3
(1972-1973); Furman,
A Child’s Parent Dies,
182; Therese Rando, personal communication, January 29, 1993.
105 In her audiotape . . . : Clarissa Pinkola Estés,
Warming the Stone Child: Myths and Stories About Abandonment and the Unmothered Child,
Sounds True Catalog, A104, 1990.
105 The British psychiatrist . . . : John Bowlby,
A Secure Base
(New York: Basic Books, 1988), 172-173.
 
106 A daughter who perceives herself . . . : Rutter, “Resilience,” 606-608.
106 When she believes she has acted . . . : Ibid.
 
107 Erna Furman, who studied . . . : Furman,
A Child’s Parent Dies,
178-183.
 
107 Later loss reactivates . . . : Ibid.
108 Six percent of . . . : Motherless Daughters survey, question 8 (see Appendix A).
 
109 It’s part of what . . . : Harris,
The Loss That Is Forever,
6.
109 “For these individuals . . . ”: Ibid., 260.
 
109 People don’t usually . . . : Gina Mireault and Lynne Bond, “Parental Death in Childhood: Perceived Vulnerability and Adult Depression and Anxiety,”
American Journal of Orthopsychiatry
62 (October 1992), 522.
 
109 A sense of inner fragility . . . : Granot,
Without You
, 103.
110 “Often, adults do not understand . . . ”: Ibid., 133
 
110 As the child matures . . . : Jennie Long Dilworth, and Gladys J. Hildreth, “Long-term Unresolved Grief: Applying Bowlby’s Variants to Adult Survivors of Early Parental Death,”
Omega
36 (1997-1998), 153.
 
113 “They’re highly intuitive . . . ”: Estés,
Warming the Stone Child.
114 Although
orphan
is defined as . . . : UNAIDS 2004 Report on the Global AIDS Epidemic, July 2004,
www.unaids.org/bangkok2004/GAR2004_html/GAR2004_05_en.htm#P599_122278
.
114 In 2003, 29,140 U.S. children . . . : personal communication, Felicitie Bell, actuary, U.S. Social Security Administration, Baltimore, Md., August 2, 2005.
114 “double orphans . . . ”: UNAIDS 2004 Report.
114 And about another 32,000 were between the ages of nineteen and thirty-six . . . : U.S. Bureau of the Census,
Statistical Abstract of the United States: 1990
, chart 613 (Washington, D.C.: GPO, 1990), 370.
 
114 For such a child . . . : Granot,
Without You,
135.
115 Outsiders intrude on . . . : Ibid.
 
115 Multiple losses within . . . : Kenneth Kaufman and Nathaniel Kaufman, “Childhood Mourning: Prospective Case Analysis of Multiple Losses,”
Death Studies
29 (2005): 238.
 
115 Instead of mourning for . . . to process it: Granot,
Without You,
136.
116 The alchemists originally . . . : Rothenberg, “The Orphan Archetype,” 182.
 
116 They compared the orphan . . . : Ibid.
117 In her essay . . . : Lila J. Kalinich, “The Normal Losses of Being Female,” in
Women and Loss,
ed. William F. Finn (New York: Praeger, 1985), 3-7.
118 “After the first death . . . ”: Dylan Thomas, “A Refusal to Mourn the Death, by Fire, of a Child in London,”
The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas 1934-1952
(New York: New Directions, 1971), 112.
Part II: Change
119 “Sophie stared at the pans . . . ”: Susan Minot,
Monkeys
(New York: Washington Square Press, 1987), 130-131.
Chapter Five: Daddy’s Little Girl
124 When the author Victoria Secunda . . . : Victoria Secunda,
Women and Their Fathers
(New York: Delacorte, 1992), 4.
124 “One man, two fathers . . . ”: Letty Cottin Pogrebin,
Deborah, Golda, and Me
(New York: Crown, 1991), 38.
125 I’ve heard that . . . : Bassoff,
Mothers and Daughters,
148.
126 Only 13 percent . . . : Motherless Daughters survey, question 14 (see Appendix A).
126 A good deal of research . . . after the loss: Granot,
Without You,
12; Worden,
Children and Grief,
78; Dilworth and Hildreth, “Long-Term Unresolved Grief,” 149; Linda Leucken, “Parental Caring and Loss During Childhood and Adult Cortisol Reponses to Stress,”
Psychology and Health
15 (2000), 841-851.
126 ”Without a doubt . . . ”: Granot,
Without You
, 12.
127 When they compared . . . : Kathrin Boerner and Phyllis Silverman, “Gender Specific Coping Patterns in Widowed Parents With Dependent Children,”
Omega
43 (2001), 201-202; J. William Worden and Phyllis Silverman, “Grief and Depression in Newly Widowed Parents With School-Age Children,”
Omega
27 (1993), 252-258.
127 In 2002, approximately 840,000 American girls . . . : U.S. Bureau of the Census, Current Population Report, P20-547, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, Table C3: Living Arrangements of Children Under 18 Years and Marital Status of Parents, by Age, Gender, Race, and Hispanic Origin of the Child for All Children: March 2002,
www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2002/tabC3-all.pdf
.
127 Fn: According to U.S. Census data, about 63,000 . . . : Ibid.
127 According to Richard A. Warshak . . . : Richard A. Warshak,
The Custody Revolution
(New York: Poseidon/Simon & Schuster, 1992), 142.
127 This is partly . . . : Ibid., 157-160, 168.
129 In a 1993 University of Detroit-Mercy study . . . : Bette Diane Glickfield, “Adult Attachment and Utilization of Social Provisions as a Function of Perceived Mourning Behavior and Perceived Parental Bonding after Early Parent Loss” Ph.D. diss., University of Detroit Mercy, 1993, 49.
129 “Being able to talk . . . ”: Ibid., 50.
130 Though it may sound . . . : Alfred B. Heilbrun, Jr., “Identification with the Father and Sex-Role Development of the Daughter,”
Family Coordinator
25 (October 1976): 411-416.
 
130 Fathers also tend to reinforce . . . : Miriam Johnson, “Fathers and ‘Femininity’ in Daughters: A Review of the Research,”
Sociology and Social Research
67 (October 1982-July 1983): 1-17.
 
130 Husbands don’t expect . . . : Scott Campbell and Phyllis Silverman,
Widower.
(Amityville, N.Y.: Baywood Publishing Company, 1996), 18.
131 Right when children . . . : Ibid., 64.
 
132 He rarely speaks about . . . : Lenhardt and McCourt, “Adolescent Unresolved Grief in Response to the Death of a Mother,” 192.
132 (Fifty-two percent of all widowers . . . ): Ibid., 20.
132 Because children often mimic . . . : George Krupp, “Maladaptive Reactions to the Death of a Family Member,”
Social Casework
(July 1972): 431.
 
134 When Oedipus discovered . . . : Sophocles,
The Complete Plays of Sophocles,
ed. Moses Hadas (New York: Bantam, 1982).
137 Whereas mothers tend to think . . . : Boerner and Silverman, “Gender Specific Coping Patterns in Widowed Parents With Dependent Children,” 203.
137 Adolescence is such a tricky time . . . : Helen A. Mendes, “Single Fathers,”
Family Coordinator
25 (October 1976): 443; Nan Birnbaum, personal communication, October 25, 1991.
139 A 1983 study of seventy-two . . . : John M. Musser and J. Roland Fleck, “The Relationship of Paternal Acceptance and Control to College Females’ Personality Adjustment,”
Adolescence
18 (Winter 1983): 907-916.
144 Seventy-six percent of the women . . . : Motherless Daughters survey, questions 9 and 14 (see Appendix A).
 
147 Although some degree of . . . : Secunda,
Women and Their Fathers,
16-17.
147 These sexual feelings . . . : Ibid.
148 “surrogate goddess . . . ”: Signe Hammer,
By Her Own Hand
(New York: Vintage, 1992), 175.
149 Ginny Smith, the narrator . . . : Jane Smiley,
A Thousand Acres
(New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992).
150 As Therese Rando explains . . . : Therese Rando,
How to Go on Living,
65-69.
150 “As the only parent . . . ”: Harris,
The Loss that Is Forever
, 49.
Chapter Six: Sister and Brother, Sister and Sister
155 Eighty-five percent of the . . . : Motherless Daughters survey, question 7 (see Appendix).
155 But those of us who have siblings . . . : Esme Fuller-Thompson, “Loss of the Kin-Keeper?: Sibling Conflict Following Parental Death,”
Omega
40 (1999-2000): 548.
155 Instead, as in my family . . . : Margaret M. Hoopes and James M. Harper,
Birth Order Roles and Sibling Patterns in Individual and Family Therapy
(Rockville, Md.: Aspen, 1987), 144; Esme Fuller-Thomson, “Loss of the Kin-Keeper?” 549.
156 Children as young as three . . . : Robert B. Stewart and Robert S. Marvin, “Sibling Relations: The Role of Conceptual Perspective-Taking in the Ontogeny of Sibling Caregiving,” Child Development 55 (1984): 1322-1332; Robert B. Stewart, “Sibling Attachment Relationships: Child-Infant Interactions in the Strange Situation,”
Developmental Psychology
19 (1983): 192-199.
156 About half of all preschool age . . . : Elizabeth M. O’Laughlin, Elizabeth C. Meeker, and Lisa G. Bischoff, “Predictors of Children’s Emotional Distress in a Mother-Absent Situation: Implications for Caregiving Research,”
Journal of Genetic Psychology
161 (2000): 235.
156 In a 2002 study . . . later in life: Russell C. Hurd, “Sibling Support Systems in Childhood After a Parent Dies,”
Omega
45 (2002): 299-320.
158 ”Just go away . . . : Jennifer Lauck,
Blackbird
(New York: Pocket Books, 2000), 165-166.
161 After a death in the family . . . : Froma Walsh and Monica McGoldrick, eds.,
Living beyond Loss
(New York: Norton, 1991), 34.
 
161 Sons are usually expected . . . : Ibid.
161 Daughters typically are . . . : Ibid.
162 Although taking on the role . . . : Rutter, “Resilience in the Face of Adversity,” 605; James H. S. Bossard,
The Large Family System
(Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 1956), 155.
162 When the psychologist Mary Ainsworth . . . : Ainsworth and Eichberg, “Effects on Infant-Mother Attachment of Mother’s Unresolved Loss of an Attachment Figure, or Other Traumatic Experience,” 165.

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