Motherhood, The Second OldestProfession (9 page)

What kind of a mother would...

go in search of her daughter's “real mother”?

Pat

So you're Joanie's “real mother.”

I've made a million speeches to you in the bathroom mirror. They were all brilliant.

I thought you'd be taller. You always seemed taller when we talked about you. And you always looked like Barbara Stanwyck to me. Don't ask why.

We've talked about you a lot. As soon as Joanie— that's your daughter's name now—was able to focus, we told her she was adopted. We told her her real mother loved her so much that she was unselfish enough to give her up to someone who could give her all the things she couldn't. That's true, isn't it? No, never mind. I don't want to know.

Forgive me for staring. It's just that all my life, I've wanted to see what a “real” mother really looks like. Joanie always seemed to know you better than we did. You know, “My real mother wouldn't have done that” or “My real mother wouldn't have said that.” That kind of thing.

I guess first off I should thank you for giving birth to our child. I don't know how we would have gotten through life without Joanie. Children make your life important.

There's probably a lot of things you want to know about Joanie. Is she beautiful? Is she smart? Is she happy? Does she play the piano? I guess I owe you that.

It's funny. I've always wondered about my debt to you. Things like how much do I owe you? When is the debt paid? And when do I become “real”?

It's only fair that if you hear all the good stuff, maybe you have to hear the bad stuff. There were bad times, you know. Did you know that our—your—daughter almost died from an asthma attack when she was eight? I thought about you that night as both of us gasped for every breath together under that vaporizing tent. I said to myself, “Where in the hell are you now, real mother?”

Why am I doing this? Why am I so angry at you? I've always known you did what you thought was best. I can tell by the look on your face that you honestly don't know what you did that I think is so terrible.

I'm not sure myself. I only know that when you went away you took a part of our child with you that we can't give her. You took away her history!

Without a past, she's been adrift on a sea of frustration, sometimes afloat and sometimes sinking, and she doesn't even know what port is home. Is she allergic to penicillin? Did her grandfather have red hair? Is she part Irish? Was she conceived in love? Was she really wanted? Is there someone out there who bears her likeness?

It's been difficult for all of us. How can any of us go forward until we know what is behind us?

Love? People talk about it like it's the universal Band-Aid for all physical and emotional ailments. Well, there's one thing it can't cure. The rejection by a woman who gave her life.

We tried. The photo albums, the birthday parties, the instant set of grandparents, but in her heart she stands like a waif on the outside of a family, never feeling like she really belongs on the inside.

I look at you and I don't know why all these years I've felt threatened by the ghost of a “real mother.”

You want to know what “real” is?

Real is what gets a part-time job to pay for a baton that lights up.

Real is what hears, “I hate you” and still says, “No.”

Real is what sits up until 3 am when she has the car out and it's raining.

Real is hurting when she's in pain and laughing when she's happy.

Real is emergency rooms, pta's, music that deafens, lies, defiance, and slammed doors.

Real is what shows up every day!

I'm shouting and I don't know why.

I do know why. All these years, you have been the object of my love and gratitude, frustration and pain, blame and compassion. But mostly you have been the object of my envy. You had that wonderful experience that I would have given anything to have. The movement inside me of a girl child who would one day look at me and see me as “real.”

No one can give it to me. No one can take it away from you.

It is there.

Five Classic Motherhood Speeches

Written, choreographed, and staged for amateur presentation

(* Advanced Mothers)

1. “Why you cannot have a snake for a pet.”

2. “So you've decided to pierce your ears.”

3. “Do you know what time it is?”

4. “You want to borrow my WHAT?”

*5. “Don't pretend you don't know what this is all about. YOU know!”

1. “Why you cannot have a snake for a pet.”

Scene: Kitchen table, where a large mound of cookies sits on a plate next to a pitcher of cold milk. Mother exudes love throughout monologue.

Mother: "Sweetheart, you know that Mommy and Daddy love you very much. We would certainly never say no to your having a snake. After all, we love animals as much as you do. We just want to talk about it first.

"Have a cookie.

"Our first concern, of course, is for the snake. You know how prejudice and ignorance haunt them wherever they go. Could you stand to walk into a crowded room with your little friend and watch it empty out in three seconds? Of course not. It would break your heart.

"And they're so small. What if someone stepped on one of them with a large rake or accidentally dropped a boulder on him? It wouldn't have a chance, now would it? Sometimes, snakes have been known to give Mommy a start. Remember the one in the back yard last year that was thirty-five feet long, had fangs that dripped human blood, was pregnant, and had the capacity to open doors with a passkey?

"You may remember it as smaller, but Mommy doesn't forget things like that. Have another cookie.

"He'd be difficult to paper-train, and the poor little thing couldn't bark when he wanted to be let out or walk on a leash at the shopping center. He couldn't even chase a ball and pant.

"Sweetheart, we want a snake just as much as you do, but what kind of people would we be to deprive him of a normal life, if you get my drift. Don't you think he'd want to date and have a family and do all those things you can't do in a hermetically sealed Mason jar?

"Have all the cookies you want, dear.

"I wish serpents had a better image. You know and I know that they are just as afraid of us as we are of them. I mean just because we never saw a snake spot a human being in the grass and hyperventilate and sink into a coma doesn't mean they don't have feelings.

"Then it's settled. You tell ____ (name of playmate) it's nice of him to think of you and to want to give you his snake, but a snake needs the stability of a family unit.

“I know. It may seem like we are a stable family unit, dear, but tell him if that snake comes into this house, your mother is running away from home and never coming back!”

2. “So you've decided to pierce your ears.”

Scene: Mother is seated at center stage, engaged in something domestic like reading the American Journal of Tooth Decay and making notes in the margins.

Daughter enters stage left.

Daughter: "What would you say if I told you I was

going to pierce my ears?"

Mother (putting book down and marking spot): "My feeling is that your body is your own and if a girl wants to punch holes in her earlobes with an ice pick, it's strictly her own business. After all, darling, we don't live in a Victorian age anymore. This is ____(current year). Every woman is a human being in her own right and it is her decision to make and if you are thinking of piercing your ears it will be over my dead body! I did not pump you full of vitamins and fix your feet to have some bungling butcher perform back-street surgery on my only daughter.

"I suppose ____ (name of daughter's best friend) is going to do it. I know she's your best friend and you'll hate me for saying this, but(name of daughter's best

friend) seems to have cast a spell over you. Don't misunderstand me. She's a nice girl, but I don't relish the idea of your going under the needle with a girl who plays with her gum and never washes her hands after she plays with the *")g. The next thing she'll have you tattooing butterflies on your shoulder blades.

"I wasn't going to tell you about ____ (name of person she doesn't know) but she pierced her ears and suffered a concussion. She'll never be right. Had her ears 'done' in the main aisle of ____ (leading department store), passed out, and hit her head on a footstool in Better Shoes.

“You do what you want with my blessing. Why not? I'll be dead soon anyway.”

3. “Do you know what time it is?”

Scene: Mother is alone on stage with television set flashing test pattern. A clock with large face is located on table next to her. She is facing the door when son or daughter walks in.

Mother: "I don't want to know where you've been, what you've been doing, or who you've been doing it with. It's late and we'll discuss it in the morning. (Turns off TV set and all the lights except one.)

"Do you honestly think that by not talking about it it's going to go away? (Son opens mouth to speak.)

"Don't lie to me! I would rather you go to bed and say nothing than to stand there and tell me you r.m cut ol gas or the car broke down. I don't want to talk about it tonight or I'll say something I'll be sorry for. Go to bed. (Races him to landing of stairs/hallway, blocking entrance to stairs.)

"Do you have any idea what it is like to be a mother and sit here half-crazed for seven hours, hoping against hope that you were in an accident and had amnesia and that when the ambulance passed the house you heard your dog barking and it triggered your memory? I cannot believe you had the nerve to walk in here without a scratch on you and expect me to understand.

"Please, not another word. I'm exhausted. (Turns off light and follows him upstairs.)

"You know what really hurts? I've been sitting in that chair for seven hours making myself sick and you don't even have the courtesy to phone and say, Tm all right. Go to bed.' If you didn't want to talk to me, you could have paid someone to do it for you. Go ahead, say it. You didn't ask me to wait up. I wondered when you'd get around to that. I'm supposed to have a little switch that clicks on and off? On, when it's fun to be a mother. Off, when it's five o'clock in the morning? (Bathroom door slams and she stands outside it.)

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to bed. The doctor says I need at least eight hours of sleep a night. Easy for him to say. He's never had an ungrateful son. Never sat there for seven hours trying to figure out what two people could possibly do at five in the morning. (Bathroom door opens and son goes to bedroom door and closes it.)

"I know you want me to hear your story—if you have

one. I personally think we'll be a little more rational in the morning. If you want to apologize, I could heat up the chili."

4. “You want to borrow my WHAT?”

Scene: Mother is busy while child hovers nearby, uncertain. Mother has a distinct advantage and is in charge of this situation.

Mother: "I know that look. You're standing there because you want to borrow something. If it's my hair dryer, you've already got it, unless it grew legs and walked back into my bathroom. I'm not a selfish person. You know that. I don't mind if you borrow something as long as you return it in the same condition as I loaned it to you.

"Take my luggage. Which you did, literally. What did you carry in it? Scrap iron? The whole frame is bent. And my camera will never be the same since you dropped it in the sand. Every picture we develop comes out looking like a puzzle.

"Remember my tennis racket you borrowed three years ago? You never did replace the string you broke. Lucky it's the one in the middle and I never hit the ball there.

(Refrain: I'm-not-a-selfish-person speech.)

"I wouldn't mind lending you things if you took care of them. I guess I don't have to remind you of my good white blouse that you promised not to sweat in and did. The only place I can wear it now is to funerals where I don't have to raise my arms.

"The trouble with kids is they don't know the value of what they're borrowing and don't have respect for it.

"Do you remember how you returned my car the last time you borrowed it? It had trash all over the back, mud on the tires, catsup on the steering wheel, and 1 don't have proof, but I know the clutch had been violated.

“You want to borrow my WHAT? Sit down! Let me tell you why I'm going to say no.”

*5. “Don't pretend you don't know what this is all about. YOU know!”

Scene: Anywhere. Mother's face is a mask that reveals nothing and reacts to nothing that is said. This is important, lest the child know what you are talking about. Keep clues broad. Interest is sustained by slamming doors, dropping plates on the table, and kicking the dog.

Mother: "Well, I hope you're satisfied. You've done it again. Don't pretend you don't know what this is all about. You know. How long before you were going to tell me about it?

"Did it ever occur to you to check with me first? That's it, play dumb. You're dumb like a fox. You knew what this would do to your ____ (person, place, or thing). You've done it before.

"I'd like to say it doesn't matter, but it does. Well, no use crying over spilled milk.

"And don't play Miss (Mr.) Innocence with me. You know very well what I'm talking about. It's not the first time you've disappointed me and I'm sure it won't be the last. If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. If you don't, tough biscuits.

"I'd like to think you'd promise not to do it again, but I know you won't, so forget it. You want a hint as to what I'm talking about? That's a joke. Do you mean to stand there and tell me you haven't the foggiest notion of why I'm angry? That's rich. Really rich.

"Okay, I'll play your little game. Tuesday! Is that enough of a hint? You know you should be an actress (actor). I am looking at an Academy Award performance here. You can make your eyes as big as a spare tire, but you won't convince me you don't know what I'm talking about.

"I'm going to say this once and only once. If you ever do it again, you're going to have to answer to a lot more people than me.

"You have anything to say? Any apologies to make? Any promises?

“You know something? I'll never understand you.”

*Speech for Advanced Mothers with years of experience.