Mother Be The Judge (6 page)

Chapter 9

'The wicked envy and hate
; it is their way of admiring.'

Emo Philips

December 2000

Adrian woke up after his anaesthetic. A sudden nausea overcame him and he leant over the bed to be sick.

"It's ok darling." His ever present mum was there. She held a paper bowl under his mouth as he vomited and rubbed his back with the other hand.

"How are you feeling now?" she asked him, "Has the pain gone?"

Adrian still felt very groggy, his brain was not working properly but he tried to focus on his penis to see if it still hurt. He did feel sore but the excruciating pain he had felt before the operations had dissipated.

"I think its ok mummy." Adrian said, "It doesn't hurt like before."

"That's good." His mum didn't seem herself; Adrian noticed that she had been crying as her eyes were very red. That was strange to him as she had just said he was going to be ok.

"What's wrong mummy, why are you crying?"

"I was worried about you."

"I thought I was going to be ok?"

"Yes but the doctors told me they had to take away the bit that was hurting." His mother soothed him.

"My willy?" Adrian asked. He was abhorred by the notion.

"No, no don't worry, it's not that. You had the bits below them taken away."

His mother went on to explain everything the doctors had told her, Adrian didn't really understand what had happened to him. He was only ten so didn't comprehend what his testicles were actually used for. His mum told him he would never be able to have children, this was another thing lost on Adrian, he couldn't imagine being an adult so being a father was way beyond his grasp.

"Don't worry mummy, that's ok, I'm feeling much better now." Mother and son sat on the bed hugging each other, Adrian was just glad that the pain had gone away.

-x-

October 2003

Over the next three years it became apparent to Adrian just what he had lost in the operation. As he had started to get older and move towards his teen years, he saw the boys at school enter into puberty at various ages. Adrian saw his classmates; some as early as ten years old, begin to get much taller. Almost overnight one lad called Ben had gone from David to Goliath. Voices were beginning to break, much to the delight of the girls in the school who would mimic their sing song voices. Hair grew in the strangest of places and the boys would show each other their thickening penises and pubic hair.

Adrian could not be party to any of this; the removal of his testicles had meant that when he was ready for puberty he should begin to receive testosterone injections to aid his growth. His mother was very much in charge of this destiny and didn't seem to want Adrian to grow; rather than taking him for his injections immediately after he had recovered from his operation she had continued with day to day life and had never mentioned the doctors or injections of any kind. Adrian had badgered her daily and told her that he didn't feel right and wanted to be like all the other boys. She finally accepted Adrian's point of view and began to take him on his twelfth birthday.

It wasn't too late in the grand scheme of boys in puberty as there were a few other boys who hadn't started by twelve, but Adrian felt like he should have been given the opportunity earlier rather than later. He began to resent his mother's involvement in his life; this was a new feeling for him, as a younger boy he had nothing but love for his mum. She was there to catch him every time he fell and he knew she would do anything he asked of her.

After the op, however, he began to wonder why his mum had allowed the doctors to mutilate him in such a horrible way. He had seen hospital programmes on the television and no one had ever had their testicles taken away. Moving on into his teens and wanting to become independent, his mother's love became suffocating.

When his mother had finally taken him to the doctors and the testosterone injections had begun, Adrian could feel the difference to his body almost immediately. The biggest change was the uncontrollable erection that had surprised him the next morning. He tingled from the tips of his toes all the way up to the top of his head. His body, where once was skinny and slightly hairy was now starting to thicken and hair was sprouting from every pore. It didn't happen overnight of course but Adrian felt empowered by his new manhood. He felt whole again.

Adrian then grew and matched the other lads in the class. This pleased him but he was still very aware that something was missing anatomically. After P.E. he would not shower, preferring to be castigated for his smell rather than his lack of bollocks. He would look down at himself each morning and curse the mother that put him in this position.

-x-

Another overwhelming feeling Adrian experienced was a desire for women. Actually, women was not the right word. He definitely preferred younger girls; he liked the fact that they didn't have hair like his hirsute mother. The young girls also seemed to see past his ugliness because they were innocent enough to only seek friendship without any thought of sexual coupling. His looks were irrelevant to them; they only wanted to be his friend. He hoped that he could maybe change their minds as they got older and perhaps start a relationship one day with a nice girl.

One particular girl Adrian liked was Charmaine; she was still very young, looking even younger than her eleven years. He liked her curly blond hair and would dream of putting his fingers inside her ringlets so he could feel how silky they were. She had very bright blue eyes and pale white skin, which was the complete opposite of his mother. She also had a very slender body with no ugly protrusions; just how he liked it. His mother had bits sticking out everywhere and he considered this the epitome of ugliness.

Adrian had tried to speak to her in the playgrounds at break times and lunch hours but Charmaine would never look in his direction, not exchange even a "Hello," with him. Continuous daily advances were spurned and Adrian became increasingly frustrated. He would masturbate furiously at home thinking about how Charmaine may look naked or if she had her mouth around his penis. Adrian felt like the egg timer in his mother's kitchen; it would tick, tick, tick until it finally erupted when the time was right.

The time
was
right for Adrian on the 10
th
October. He saw Charmaine sitting in her usual spot on the stairs and as he walked towards her he decided just to go for it. He thought Charmaine would enjoy him touching her as he had imagined and anyway she was too stupid to tell even if she didn't like it.

Adrian reached Charmaine and immediately kissed her lips, grabbing at her pubic area at the same time. She had bucked like a frightened rabbit and pulled away from Adrian. Being fearful that Charmaine would run and get a teacher, Adrian had grabbed at her top but it ripped in his hands. Charmaine ran away and Adrian sat on the stairs for the remainder of the break waiting for the inevitable hand on his
shoulder which would take him to the headmaster's office.

-x-

Things had taken a different route to what Adrian had expected. Instead of a telling off in the head master's office as had happened the last time he had messed with a girl, police were called and he was now sitting on a wooden bench in the custody suite of Olinsbury police station. Fear permeated every pore of Adrian's body; he had not considered the true consequences of his actions towards Charmaine. His mother had been called and he thought she would be so angry and disappointed with him that he wouldn't blame her if she meted out a very severe punishment. He felt like he deserved it, he had been stupid to think that Charmaine would accept him just like that. He realised he needed to
speak
to her first, get her to like him and
then
he would have been able to kiss her.

Once his mother and solicitor arrived and the police conducted their preliminary procedures, it became clear to Adrian that his mother was going to defend his actions. She had arrived and pulled Adrian into her arms, smothering him with her chest and forcing him to smell her vile stench of sweat and hair. She had told him everything was going to be ok and at every opportunity told the police there was no way Adrian could be responsible.

Rather than be proud of his mother's love, her actions caused him to despise her. Didn't she realise he had done wrong?

Didn't she know how much he wanted to do it again?

Couldn't she see that he needed to be punished?

It was her job to discipline and guide Adrian; she shouldn't let him get away with
everything.
Adrian thought all these things but didn't voice them to his mother.

Adrian met his solicitor and when they spoke he could see and feel the contempt coming from him, but when he looked towards his mother she wore the same pathetic look which said, 'Everything's fine, I love you.' Her stupid eyebrow sat atop her piggy eyes. It was one feature which made her so ugly; Adrian had inherited it from her, another reason for him to hate the bloody woman.

He followed the solicitor's instructions and made no comment when asked any questions. He wasn't really listening to the police officer and said, "No comment," where he thought there was a big enough gap between the officer's mutterings.

As Adrian sat looking at his feet he wondered what life would be like with his dad. He knew that his dad lived in Greece and that his name was Avram. His dad didn't know about Adrian because his mum didn't have any contact details for him. Adrian often dreamed about getting on a plane and landing in Greece, his dad waiting on the runway with his arms open ready to embrace his long lost son. Adrian would become a swan in Greece, after being such an ugly duckling in England. He would have never lost his testicles because his dad would have told the doctors to do anything they could to save his son rather than just sign the first form offered to him. Avram and Adrian would live out their days in Greece, dating women and running a bar.

This train of thought continued until the buzzer blasted into Adrian's ears, breaking him out of his day dream.

"No comment." He added, just for good measure.

-x-

Coming out of the police station Adrian waited once again for his mother's onslaught, believing that she may have been acting for the sake of the policemen in her display of unquestioning love for him. He turned to his mother and looked deep into her dull brown eyes.

"What happened Adrian?" she asked of him, "Whatever happened we can work through it."

Rage bubbled up in Adrian's stomach. What was wrong with this dumb cunt? He had hurt a girl for fucks sake. Why wasn't she telling him what a miserable despicable person he was? He decided then to treat her like the mug she was making of herself.

"It's your fault mum."

He could see the look of confusion in his mother's eyes.

"How is it my fault darling? I know you didn't do this, you just wouldn't."

Adrian couldn't believe he hadn't realised what a foolish woman his mother was.

"I just wanted to know what it felt like." And there it was, Adrian could see the pain hit his mother when she heard his admittance. He could almost hear her struggling to come up with yet another excuse for his behaviour. Any minute now he expected her face to change into anger and a punishment to be laid on him.

Adrian couldn't suppress a grin when nothing came. He decided then that he would use his mother's blind love to his advantage and get some compensation for being stuck with such a repugnant mother who had seen fit to butcher him and prevent him from leading a normal life.

Adrian began to whine at his mother about how he never got anything; he thought throwing in a bit about never having a birthday party was a stroke of genius on his part. The ultimate goal here was to get a computer. If he wasn't allowed to touch girls then he knew the computer would at least allow him to look at them. His classmates had told him all sorts of stories about things they had seen online. Knowing their financial situation Adrian had never bothered to ask his mother about the possibility of getting a computer but her display of tolerance today made him believe it possible to get
anything
out of the silly cow.

He had been right. Instead of a punishment his mother apologised to him and took him straight up High Street to buy him the computer he had asked for. Adrian smirked to himself; he was going to enjoy looking at porn, he couldn't wait to start his new life, this was going to be great.

'Remorse for what? You people have done everything in the world to me; do
esn't that give me equal right?

Charles Bronson

August 2008

"Happy birthday Adrian, you're an adult now." A light knock on Adrian's door hailed the arrival of the Pig, also known as his mother. Adrian's class had been introduced to a thesaurus in lessons one day and after looking up fuck, shit, bollocks and wanker as
had
to be done with any dictionary offered to a young teen, Adrian had perused the book and happened upon 'pig'. The words which followed he believed described his mother perfectly; beastie, creature, fiend, glutton, monstrosity, gorger. All words he could easily associate with that thing he had to live with.

Pig stayed at the door a little while longer, he didn't bother to reply. He had spent the past five years in self-confinement which suited him well. The computer was his mother now. Adrian enjoyed playing Holmes on the machine, working out who committed a crime based on the evidence available. He would spend hours planning the perfect murder, a past time he found others enjoyed also as there were chat rooms dedicated to the pursuit of the perfect crime - bank robbery, murder etc. Adrian liked to imagine that one day his mother would become perfectly murdered, but grudgingly spent time with her to be fed and to get the testosterone injections which were so important to him.

The internet had opened a whole new world to Adrian, not only did he have unlimited access to porn but he had access to porn where girls were 'barely legal' and easily looked young enough to still be in primary school. Adrian also had access to thousands of chat rooms and social networking sites. On the internet he could be whomever or whatever he wanted to be. What also excited Adrian was the fact that every chat room was filled with young girls all desperate to play out their own sexual fantasies. The anonymity of the internet broke through barriers of self-consciousness; no one seemed embarrassed to write dirty things to each other; it was all good harmless fun.

He had seen girls on the webcam taking off their tops and jiggling their tiny boobs at him via the World Wide Web. Adrian had even seen a vagina - not a porn vagina which was obviously over-used and tainted but the virginal vagina of Lacey, a girl who lived on the same estate as him. He knew that in reality she probably wouldn't want to even let him kiss her, but was content with her shenanigans on his computer...... for now.

Pig knocked on the door again, "Just popping out to the shops Adrian, will get you something nice for your birthday dinner."

"Blah, blah, fucking blah." Adrian muttered to himself. "Go on then, fuck off Pig." He said it quietly as he never let his mother see the real Adrian; that would ruin his manipulation of her. In her presence he was just a moody misunderstood Adrian, persecuted by his peers and in need of his mother's love and protection.

-x-

"Adri-an." A shout came from below his bedroom window. Adrian opened the window and looked down to see Lacey and her friend Savannah standing in the playground below. Lacey was wearing a tiny top and a denim miniskirt. It made her look a lot older than eleven and Adrian didn't like that. He much preferred the dress Savannah had on; it was just long enough for her age but short enough to imagine what was underneath. Adrian quickly drew a love heart on a piece of paper with 'A4L' written inside the confines of the crudely drawn heart. He folded the paper into a paper plane and flew it out of the window and down in Lacey's direction. Lacey picked up the plane, opened out the paper and showed the sketch to Savannah; both girls giggled and then ran off away from the view of Adrian. He glanced up to see his mother gazing up at him from the other side of the children's playground and ducked away quickly so he didn't have to acknowledge her presence there. Adrian hoped Lacey would go online later and give him another look at her fanny.

He decided to go and see what Pig had bought him for his eighteenth. It would be better to open his present while she was out so he didn't have to have her fawning all over him. Adrian went into the living room and looked around for a wrapped gift before noticing the new television on the sideboard. 'And even Sky," he exclaimed in wonder. "Stupid Pig.' He thought, 'As if I'm going to sit here and watch TV with her.' He couldn't resist sitting to watch it though. He was drawn to the dark square and pressed the remote control just to see what the picture was like. Adrian was sucked into an antiques programme with some suited and booted Satsuma gesticulating at him over a piece of crap. Pig walked in and took him off guard.

"What do you think?" she asked him. "It's great isn't it?"

"Mmm." He replied, "Needs Sky Plus." Adrian got up and left the room, he had seen enough old people for one day. The Pig stopped him and showed him a card advertising a job in Big Value. It hadn't occurred to Adrian to get a job before; it was so simple to manipulate the Pig he didn't really need any money. What he did need however, was an excuse to see and talk to Lacey in the flesh. He knew Lacey's mum must go to Big Value and it stood to reason that Lacey must also go there.

Even if Lacey didn't go, it seemed a good way to connect with other young girls. If he could get onto a till then he could even talk to them, get to know them better.

"Yeah actually that's a good idea." He said, "I'll go there now." Adrian grabbed his coat before the Pig could offer to go with him. He rushed off to the supermarket and asked to see the manager there. He was led through to a back room and introduced to a Mr Sprout, an aptly named man for the manager of a supermarket Adrian though. Adrian put on his best behaviour when he spoke to Mr Sprout; unlike his mother, Adrian was able to interact with people. He was quite charming and likeable when he wanted to be; it was his choice to be a loner. It didn't take long for Adrian to convince the manager he was the best person for the job and he was offered a position in Big Value on the shop floor, unpacking groceries.

Adrian walked home sorry that Lacey had left the playground already because he would have liked to have told her about his job. When he got home Adrian yelled, "I got the job." He was feeling in a jubilant mood and decided it was time to give Pig a bone. He would have dinner with her; pasta bake by the smell of it; and eat her stupid cake, then go back to the haven of his bedroom and continue his non-stop trawling of the internet. Life was good, but it was going to get better he thought.