Most of Me (10 page)

I judged him, and asked with scepticism, “why didn’t you follow them?”

He took time to think. “Because…I was needed here,” he clarified. He turned his attention back to the mirror. “And besides, I’d already had a taste of it. It was too late for me, but not for them. You do believe me, don't you?” But as he confessed this, he didn’t look at me. “Its important that you do. I don’t want you to think I’m a bad man. The things I have done, the things I do, I do for a reason. I don’t want you to hate me.”

But I did hate him. No words would change that. Whether he was telling the truth or not, there was something not quite right about him, about what he said. It was deeper. And although there was probably a good guy trying to escape, trying hard to convince the world that he was still here, I feared that whatever was in this house had already taken him. He was a carcass filled with evil, overflowing, so what was left was deceit and lies. I wondered if he was aware of what he had become; was this an act to soften my heart. And then it made me think whether he
was
in control more than I thought. Was he conniving, and had learnt to take advantage and control the entity in this house?

I thought about pulling the pistol, get it over with before he said another word. He did sound sincere, but I was far from convinced. I readied my hand over the weapon. But before I could take grip of the handle, Carl punched the ground with a muted thud.

He said, “Anyway, Daniel. Lets get this over with.” And he stood, brushed the dirt off his trousers, and stood away from the mirror. He invited me to take his position, which hesitantly, I did.

I reminded myself of the pistol; I felt I was getting too close to stick to the plan, and the chance to use it was slipping away. I regarded the mirror with an awkwardness I feared Carl would notice. Then over my shoulder, I glanced at him. “What should I do?” I asked.

He grinned and whispered, “Just look. Get on you knees and explore its soul. I don't know what you’ll see; I suppose its different for everyone.”

“What did you see?” I asked him.

“You, Daniel,” he revealed. “I saw you.”

“You knew it would be this way? End like this?” With this announcement I was fill with a sense of failure. If he knew, then he would know everything. He would know why I’m here, that I was going to kill him.

“I knew that you would proceed me, but that it all.”

I swallowed hard and sighed into my chest. “But how does what you see effect the protection of the mirror.”

“It doesn’t,” he spat. His voice was annoyed as though I had offended him. “It’s the vision, Daniel, the fact that the mirror has accepted you and has opened up to you,” he expressed with his arms. “It just means that the power it holds has been unlocked to
you!
”

“I see.” I looked down at the mirror and fell to my knees, and I stared into its abyss. I touched the cold surface; it was way too cold to hold any contact. The skin from my fingers tips peeled away as I pulled them off the mirror. I grimaced, sucking the pain through my teeth. “Its like damn ice!” I grimaced.

Carl didn’t reply.

I inspected my skin, but there was no damage. I still felt the tingling in my fingers. I said, “So, I just stare into it, right?”

The mirror must be destroyed.

Will he weaken to its power?

Can Daniel be trusted?

I removed the pistol from my belt and aimed it at the mirror. I stood, and holding the pistol in both hands, extended both arms towards the mirror. My hands shook and I felt as though I would drop the pistol to the ground. But I swiftly turned and pointed the gun at Carl. Nervous and my voice unsteady, I said, “It needs to be destroyed!”

Carl stared at the gun with no surprise. In fact, he seemed slightly amused. He said, “And I suppose Father Thomas told you that?”

“
He did!
”
I nodded. “And he’s right. It needs to end.”

“And is that what you truly believe?” he asked, taking a cautious step closer. He held out his hand.

I raised the gun higher, my actions telling him to
back the hell off
.

He raised his eyebrows, although any surprise on his face was redundant. “And are you actually going to use that?” he inquired.

I nodded, nervous, but certain that I was going to shoot. I could feel the side of my head getting warm, the other side cold and numb, and my hands trembled even more.

“You see, I’m only a frail old man, Daniel. I’m sure if you really wanted to break the mirror, then all you needed to do was to pick up any rock lying around and smash it with it. The same goes for me.” He indicated the rear of his head. “Strike it right here; I’d go down quite easily. I don’t suppose I’d put up much of a fight, either.”

“I doubt that,” I said, knowing that he was stronger that he looked. “I’ve felt your strength.”

Carl shrugged, then grinned. “No, I think the gun was for you. You’ve given up, Daniel, and can’t take it anymore. So, you’re going to aim the gun at your head and blow out your brains.”

I laughed, shaking my head in denial. “You’re crazy. I’ll tell you how it’s going to be. I’m going to blow your brains out, then destroy the mirror. Or destroy the mirror, then kill you! Either way, doesn’t matter.” But I could feel something was happening. My head was becoming hot and cold. The blood flowing through the veins in my arms felt painful; they were burning.

He drew a target cross on his forehead.
“
Go on then. Do it. I dare you,
” he said, and let out a
pff
!
“B
ut, this is how it started, isn’t it. A dare! Just one stupid game for a stupid little boy!
”

I grab the gun tighter with both hands, finger over the trigger. I tried to control the pain creeping through my blood like an infection cursing my skin with razor blades.

“
Careful with that thing,
”
he taunts.
“
You might just pull the trigger.
”

“
Yes, I might just do that.
”
I compose myself, shifting from foot to foot. I felt clammy and my heart thumped rapidly. I swallowed hard and fired the gun.
“
Shit!
” I cursed, grimacing through the pain that was creeping through my blood and etching its way onto my skin.

Carl chuckles,
“
Ah…the safety catch! Such a ridiculing part of a gun for a novice who likes to think himself Clint Eastwood,
”
and laughs loudly.

I released the catch, face reddened by this small error, and aimed the gun again.

He took a step closer.

“Stop!” I blasted, waving the gun to warn him away.

“
But you’re going to fire any way, aren't you? So I think I’ll keep on walking, if it’s all the same to you.
”

I made a back step, caught the mirror with the back of my heel, and stopped. I looked down on it.
Hopefully I cracked it!
I thought. But I’d just kicked a little dirt over the frame.

“
Trying to put a bullet in my head, are you?
”
he mocked.
“
My word, Dan. Haven’t you learned by now? Hasn’t it become obvious, yet? You’re not going to pull the trigger, are you? In fact, you’re going to put that gun inside your mouth. Or even to your head. Either way, your brains are going to paint the hole you’re in. It’s almost like a grave…how convenient.” He nodded in agreement with himself. “Yes, I think that’s what you’re going to do.
” And it was as if Carl Winters was willing it to happen, for me to place the gun in my mouth.

“
Think again, Gramps,
”
and I jabbed the gun at him. But I knew I was fighting against something else, too…something I couldn’t see.

“
No, that is what you’re going to do,” he assured. “Because I’m in your head, Dan. I have most of you. How much of Daniel do you think is inside of you now? The real Daniel, I mean, not this shell I see before me.
”

I faltered, lowered the gun to waist height and processed what he was telling me. I said,
“
No! I
will
kill you!
”
I raise the gun, aimed it straight at his head. But he was still walking towards me as though death wasn’t as issue, and he stopped as the barrel of the gun prodded at his chest.
“
Its over Carl! Who or whatever you are, it’s all over!
” And then
I chuckled. I didn’t know why I found it so funny but it was uncontrollable. And it became painful, too. I stopped smiling but still laughing inside as if I had no choice but to do so. With my head burning hot and old, I could feel the muscles in my arms reacting without my control. Eventually, I turned the gun on myself, pointed it to my head, pressing hard against my right temple.
“
It’s going...to end...right...now,
”
I stammered.

“
Yes, it is, Dan. It’s going to end for you.
”
He turned around and laboriously climbed the ladders. “And to think, if only we hadn’t come to Jacobs Woods all those years ago, we’d all be friends. Good careers, drinks at the weekend. Sharing the girls.” Carl reached the top of the ladder, brushed down his trousers. “If only you had come back for me, Dan. Why did you let me come in here?”

“What?” I said, battling to remove the pistol from my head. “But that was…not you.” I couldn’t understand what Carl was telling me. But also, this pain. I couldn’t control it; the impulse to jam a bullet into my skull was too strong. I was loosing.
This is it.
I thought.
I’m going to pop the bullet reserved for Carl into my own frickin head, and there’s not a thing I can do about it! Absolutely Nothing! I am going to die!
“What did you do with Jack?” I screamed.

I squeeze my eyes tight to shut out the pain. I can feel he is laughing, although I can’t hear him, but he is there, in my head. I fight against the gun pressed deeply into my against my skull, this hollow barrel that shouts death at me in such a ridiculing way. I fight against my body, my finger, but I really have no control. Against my will, my hand tightens around the guns’ handle, and my finger, steady and confident, awaits further instruction from its controller. But still, I wonder why he talked about Jack as if it was
him
. As though this man who controlled my every move wasn’t Carl Winters, my Grandfather, but Jack.

“I did nothing with him, Dan. But Carl Winters? The old man?” He grinned. “Well, he’s gone now. I killed your him a long time ago!”

“But…but how? I mean…” The words didn’t come from my mouth freely.

“He needed me, just as you thought I needed you.” He squatted, dangling his hands between his groin.

I said, “He wanted you to protect the mirror, didn’t he? And thats why you disappeared?”

He shot up, his body rigid, and he clapped the once. “
Yes! And you didn’t God Damn come back for me, Dan!!!!
” he blasted. “I was left here; left here for
him!
” His fist were clenched tight.

“No…no…no! The police checked out the house. They found nothing!” I shook my head. “You can’t be Jack. You just can’t be.”

“Oh…but I can.”

“We did everything we could. The police were here.”

“
I
was
here!” He waved a single fist at me, and I could see the rage manifesting within the protruded veins in his neck.

“We came looking, Jack.”
Or was this another trick?
“I promise you,” I told him.

“But I
was
here. He put me in the walls. Locked me up. But he put something in my arm, and I think I fell asleep.” He wiped away tears from his cheeks and rubbed his eyes, rubbing with his palm like a child would.

“Why do you look like Carl if you’re not him?” I asked him.

“The mirror? The power I told you about? I changed the way I look. I needed to get you here, so I thought that if I pretend to be Carl, then you would come.”

“Can you change back?” Still, I struggled with the pain ripping through my blood, controlling my own actions. I had no idea how I was holding on for so long. I was paralysed. My only guess is that he was in control, and I would pull the trigger when he told me to.

Jack shook his head. “That body died when I killed Mr Winters.” He stood and started ascending the steps.

“He took your body, too?”

He confirmed with a nod, and glanced back.

“And you
know
that you killed him?”

“How do you mean?” I continued to climb the step, but slower, listening.

“You know he’s dead?” I said.

“I put a knife through his heart, Dan. That pretty much confirms it to me.”

I sighed. “Well, I’m not so sure.”

“You’re an idiot, then,” Jack said.

“But why did you want
me
here?”

Jack said, “
To kill you!
” He watched and winked at me as if he was saying, ‘you’re mine now, Dan. You’re all mine’.

The loathing boiled through my blood like a surging river. But its all too late because my finger twitches over the trigger. My body isn’t mine anymore. My greatest fear has been realised. He doesn’t have most of me any more. He has all of me!

He turned away and I hear an eerie sickly sound. The mirror is still touching my heels, but this sound is from the moist walls around me. Something scurrying through the dirt, like rats!